by Rachel Halliburton, Sebastian Phillips and Billie Reynolds
Directed 1994, The Bird's Nest Theatre, London, England
The tale of every man's wettest dreams - and darkest nightmares. From
Eve with her Golden Delicious to Sharon Stone and her icepick, the Vamp
is exposed to harsh white lighting and black comedy in a new one-woman
show.
Performed by Billy Reynolds and aided and abetted by God, Freud, Marlene
Dietrich, Germaine Greer, Bram Stoker, Theda Bara, Doris Day and a host
of Vamps, dead and undead.
The full text of Vamp is available on request.
Please note that this text is copyright and ask permission before using
it. Thanks.
Requests to perform Vamp should, in the first case, be directed
to me.
Vamp was the brainchild of Billie Reynolds, actress,
chanteuse, director and occasional handholder at the British Film Awards.
In the winter of 1992, Billie approached me to direct her in a one-woman
showcase for her indisputable talents. Ads in the theatre press brought
new young writers Rachel Halliburton and Seb Phillips into the project.
We workshopping ideas through the next six months, and Vamp
took shape as a kind of themed review, with strands drawn from both
traditional vampire mythology and the more recent, warm-blooded Hollywood
myth.
Vamp ran for a week in the (very hot) summer of 1994, at the
Bird's Nest Pub Theatre in Deptford, South London. Though very
well-received, the short run failed to attract reviewers, and so far we
haven't managed to restage the show.
(SFX: Silky Clarinet - Artie Shaw's "NIGHTMARE")
- SAM
- Molloy. Sham Molloy. Private Investigator is my name.
- Investigating privates is my game. It was a hot
night in the dirty city.
- I was hot, I was dirty and I couldn't shleep.
- The Marshello cayshe had got me shtumped.
- Two bodies, five killers, one murder weapon - it
jusht didn't add up.
- I decided to take a walk. I took a left on
Lexington then a right on Jefferson,
- heading north to the intersection of Broad Street
and Wilshire. Then I went east
- on Main and West on Minor and stopped off at the
junction of North Avenue
- South and West Boulevard East. I needed a beer,
so I went into a bar.
- A bar that sells beer. A beer bar. Behind the bar
was a barman.
- "Barman, a beer."
- BARMAN
- I'm the film noir barman. I tend bar in film noir - that's
what I do.
- Being a film noir barman means you don't gotta do
much. I stand here,
- I polish a glass. Always the same rag, always the
same glass.
- If you drank from it, beer would seep outta the
sides. But that's OK.
- It's what I do. I polish. I don't see nothing. I
don't hear nothing. I don't say nothing.
- Al Capone came in here last week but I didn't see
nothing and I didn't hear nothing
- and ain't gonna say nothing.
- SAM
- Suddenly the door opened.
(SFX: Huge wolf whistles)
- SAM
- I've seen some dolls in my time but nothing like this
one. This doll turned heads.
- Three hunerd an' sixty degrees. It was a mess.
- Watching her walk was like watching puppies
fighting in a sack.
- In a big bowl of jello. Her hips swung like a
pendulum do.
- She settled them on the stool next to me. My
suspicions were aroused
- and there's only one thing you can do with an
aroused suspicion - buy it a drink.
- The babe sure knew how to drink a banana
daiquiri.
- This broad was one hot petooty. I don't really
know what a petooty is, I just
- know they're better hot. I asked her if the cat
had got her tongue.
- She told me that talking's for turkeys. I had no
idea what she meant,
- so I tried my favourite line. "Do you have any
Irish in you?
- Do you want some?"
- VAMP
- Oh, p-lease... CUT CUT CUT... Dolores - please will you
get my agent?
- Murray, I cannot work with this. "Irish"?
"IRISH"?
- That line is not in the goddamm script. Dolores -
get me a margarita!
- Murray, the little jerk is just trying to build
up his part...
- Will you make-up people GET OFF MY GODDAMM FACE!
- Any more lipstick and I'll crash through the
fuckin' floorboards.
- Dolores - get me a contract player. Not from
"Grapes of Wrath" - they're too
- skinny - get over to MGM and get me one that
tap-dances - at least they got
- rhythm and muscle tone.
- I'm telling you right now, Murray, either you get
someone with a modicum of
- talent, or I walk.
- Dolores, have you lost weight?
- Murray, I'll be in my trailer!
- Dolores - you're fired!
(SFX: Spooky fairground music under. The VAMP makes a slow slide
from commentator to demon)
- VAMP:
- (A litany)
- "Kiss me, my fool" ...
- From Theda Bara to Paola Negri -
- From Paola Negri to Gloria -
- From Swanson to Greta - From Garbo to Marlene -
- From Dietrich to Lana - Turner to Veronica -
- Lake to Joan - Crawford to Bardot, Moreau, Signoret -
- Dunaway to Joan - Collins to Kathleen -
- Turner to Madonna and Sharon Stone -
- "Ever fucked on cocaine, Nick?"
- All the fun of the fair!
- See how long you can last on the merry-go-round.
- Born, rise and die, born, rise and die.
- Let us prey.
- I believe in Cecil B. DeMille, the Film-maker Almighty
- I believe in Louis B. Meyer & Daryl F Zanuck....
- Adored and glorified and ruling all things in the celluloid heavens.
- Obey their rules, play their game - be as bad as they like you to be.
- Make them a fortune, and spend one for yourself, live, as living
never was before.
- Then descend into hell, where you are seated at the right hand of
Kenneth Anger,
- who asks you about all your former friends.
- I believe in the life everlasting, I believe in life after death,
again and again and again.
- In retrospective at the National Film Theatre.
- The dead collect no residuals.
- There is a spirit that moves through the generations, sometimes
fast, sometimes slow
- From woman to woman, like plague
- Choosing only the fittest, the greediest, the most voracious
- If you play the Vamp, if you put on the skin - you get the power, the
magic,
- the Money -
- Maybe...
- Anyone can play if they believe in themselves hard enough
- And they open their mouths wide enough, and let in the spirit, and
take the breaks
- But if you play too long - oh, yesss....you become her.
- And that's infection
- And you will live forever in your dreams
- Where the wheel only turns one way
- and the Unreal become the Undead
- Anyone can play...
(The VAMP takes a long, slow pan of the audience.....)
- Mmmmmmm. I'll have.... HER!
(SFX: SHOCK HORROR CHORD. LX Blackout)
THE END
"Kiss me, My Fool!" (Theda Bara in A FOOL THERE WAS, 1917)
"Ever fucked on cocaine, Nick?" (Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT, 1989)
"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily."
(Marlene Dietrich in SHANGHAI EXPRESS)
"Fuck politically correct." (Paul Verhoeven, director of BASIC
INSTINCT)
"I'd rather play cards if I can't have a lady with big tits."
(Producer Russ Meyer, 1984)
"Cinema is just a form of masturbation. Sexual relief for disappointed
people." (Dirk Bogarde, 1965)
"I don't make art. I buy it." (Producer Joel Silver, 1990)
"I don't think my film can be accused of being anti-feminist just
because the woman is relegated to the rôle of an object." (Director Marco
Ferreri, 1986)
"There are many vampires in the world today - you only have to think
of the film business." (Christopher Lee, 1971)
"When I was young all I wanted to be was to be a movie star." (Sharon
Stone, 1993)
"I lost my virginity as a career move." (Madonna, 1989)
"Blondes are the best victims. They're like the virgin snow which
shows up the bloody footprints." (Director Alfred Hitchcock, 1973)
"I started as a dumbe blonde whore. I'll end as one." (Marilyn Monroe)
"Alright - I'm young, I'm beautiful - but you don't have to hate me."
(Sean Young, 1990)
"I never loved another person the way I loved myself." (Mae West,
1970)
"I don't know how many lovers I've had. I was never interested in the
score - only the game. I've been on more laps than a napkin." (Mae West,
1970)
"Strong women only marry weak men." (Bette Davis, 1982)
"There isn't one tight-bottomed twenty-five year-old girl who knows
what I know. I'm sorry my butt has dropped four inches - but, y'know, my
brain is elevated." (Sharon Stone, 1994, aged 36)
"One thing I find since becoming famous is that I get to torture a
higher class of men than I used to." (Sharon Stone, 1993)
"If you have a vagina and an attitude in this town, then that's a
lethal combination." (Sharon Stone, 1992)
"Charm? Like a barracuda." (Bob Evans on Sharon Stone)
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Last updated September 1995
Ivor Benjamin - i.d.benjamin@city.ac.uk
All material © Copyright 1995 Ivor Benjamin unless otherwise specified.