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"Aiming at the youth market"cartoon

Finn, Juan and Fredo Phatt B'stard, Broadstairs, 2003 - photo

Who are the Phatt B'stards?
A short history of the Phatts
Juan's story
Fredo's story
Finn's story

Phatts video links

Selected discography
Selected link



See you at Broadstairs Festival in August

designNow available - exciting Phatts DVD - We ate all the pies with a cover to match the Phatts T-shirt below. Featuring The pie song and other most requested songs, highlights of the infamous early morning 2002 interview, plus insights by learned academics on the history and significance of the Phatts phenomenon.

"It's a madhouse, it's an outhouse,
it's a sh...ame these blokes aren't locked up".

Email for details

Who are the Phatts?
The Phatt B's are three brothers, Juan (from Barcelona), Fredo (Naples), Finn (aka Skine) (Helsinki). They claim their diverse birthplaces are due to the fact that their father, Juan 2, had a push-bike (see the history below). He was one of a band of itinerant shoemenders who travelled around Europe after the war. Some historians have claimed that this was a load of cobblers.

The only time the three brothers actually meet is every August in Broadstairs, Kent, where they entertain the populace with songs and stories. Says Juan "I am play guitar and a mandola called Nelson and singing especially for the lovely ladies, of which I am Juan big fan.

"My first brother is Fredo. He play guitar and something called a bullring, which is Ireland for a drum and sing Chantease which is yellow girls letting his doodle go (don't worry" I don't understand it as well)!

"Another brother is Finn. We calls him Skine. He play something called the baloos. This is ver' ver' sad music from a fish town in the North of England, where it is called 'Hullabaloos'. He play guitar and sing with a croak because he have a frog up his throat.

"We are playing a mixed of pop and folk, calling it POKE. Every gig is a party and you are invite.

"So if you fancy a poke while we play Rolling Stoves, Richard Tomkins, Elvis Pressler, Dire Tapes or any rolling and rocking, come up and be seeing us.

We are Phatt B's and proud of it. We 8 all the pies."

Time to book The Phatt B's? Email Phatts


A short history of the Phatt B'stards

Little is known about the Phatt-B'Stards prior to the second world war. However, what is known is that at the turning of the 19th/20th century small pockets of nomadic ethnic artisans were to be found scattered all over the European continent. One such group were direct descendents of the medieval Angles & Saxons and were known as Axles (these were the hub of the entire European nomadic culture) and could turn their hands to almost any skill - veritable 'Jacks-of-all-trades'.

Just after the end of WW1 in a lambing shed on the south side of the Urals there was born, to a low peasant girl called Mukki Phatt, a boy child. He was named Friday because his poor mother took one look at the child and decided to call it a day! At his mother's knee, he learned the songs and legends of his forebears (It was tradition that the womenfolk of the Axles had this tattooed on their knees) Friday Phatt grew up learning the skills that his father had learned from his father - How to make things and mend them, how to 'borrow' things he could not make. At the age of 13 he was apprenticed to Warra B'Stard, a mathematics teacher who moonlighted as a carpenter and had built up a small business making school rulers.

Finishing his apprenticeship just in time for WW2 to start he put all of his skills to use in thinking up various ways to avoid being called-up to fight in the war, the best of which was by substituting his own urine sample for that of one of his father's goats and being declined on the grounds of having a diseased hoof. With all of the men of his village away fighting Friday had a rare old time among the women (even with the diseased hoof) and at the end of the war the men came home to find that there were a number of 'little Fridays' running about. If Friday thought that this would go unnoticed he was sadly mistaken and shortly after his tar-and-feathering he decided to search for pastures new, changing his name to Juan and also incorporating the name of his old teacher.

Juan Phatt-B'Stard happened upon a travelling fair and, working for his keep as a general dogsbody, travelled Europe and Scandinavia. During this time he learned two distinct skills - pretending to be a bearded lady and keeping one step ahead of the fathers of the young ladies he attracted. It was during the fair's over-winter in Barcelona that Juan met and fell in love with Maria, the daughter of the mayor Salvatore Nuthersod. From this liaison was born Juan Jr. and a dynasty was begun. Unfortunately Maria's father did not appreciate the founding of such a dynasty in his blood-line and Juan Sr had to beat a hasty departure.

On the open road he chanced upon a troupe of itinerant shoe menders who took him under their wing and with them travelled to Naples where his son Fredo was born to Sophia Sogood. Then during a seminar on metal-tipped heels in Helsinki Juan Sr met Annafried Eigg and their son Finn was born - Unfortunately Annafried was disowned by her parents and Finn was adopted by Sven Andfeivaits and his wife and spent most of his life in Stockholm thinking he was called Skinč.

It wasn't until 1993 that any of the brothers knew the others existed. By chance Juan was invited to appear at a folk festival in England and met up with Fredo - imagine their surprise to find that not only were they related but were, in fact, brothers. This spurred them on to search for more relatives and they were stunned to realise that there was another brother who was also a musician. They got together and - well the rest is history (or will be one day)

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ExCLusIvE!!! Phatts T shirts

available in L, XL, XXL and one size fits all Phatts

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Copyright © John Scott Cree, George Wilson, Geoff Higginbottom: 2002-7

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