SOME JOKES TO CHEER US ALL UP(none of these were made up by me so dont complain if you dont like them.some are racist,sexist,fattist, irish,scots(even jokes about my lot!),etc etc so if your offended then dont read them !!!!!):- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why parents drink.... A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: .............."ME." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering With fear." Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire Planet shits itself." -------------------------------------------------------------------- One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter. After a while, he takes a walk and finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all: NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you like." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?" "No sir... replied the bobby, "...that is what we call the French Embassy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Cows -- Politically Incorrect! DEMOCRATS You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANS You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? SOCIALISTS You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNISTS You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Your cows demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production. You use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send audio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English, most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!" Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your arse didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again. Brave guy --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A filthy rich “United Footballer” decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours including “Big Mick”. He held the party around the pool in the grounds of his mansion.” Big Mick” was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the Footballer wives and girlfriends. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million pounds to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw “Big Mick” in the pool! “Big Mick” was fighting the alligator and kicking its ass! “Big Mick” was jabbing the alligator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the alligator on the tail and flipping the alligator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both “Big Mick” and the alligator were screaming and raising hell. Finally “Big Mick” strangled the alligator and let it float to the top like a Fair Ground goldfish. “Big Mick” then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, “Big Mick”, I reckon I owe you a million pounds." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said “Big Mick”. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered “Big Mick”. The host said,”Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again “Big Mick” said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, “Big Mick”, then what do you want?" “Big Mick” said, "I want the name of the bitch who pushed me in the pool. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal he asks? Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk. Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE CHEMISTRY EXAM The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear pants don't you? He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. " I do not" Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." #1 Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" #2 Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....) Q. But do you know what 6.9 is? A. A good thing screwed up by a period. Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their blood type. Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? A. Come in eight flavors. Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up. Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. Q. What's six inches long that women love? A. Folding money. Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries. Q. What is the new gay website address? A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound). Q. What is the new O.J. website address? A. slash slash backslash escape. Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? A. Speed bumps. Q. What's got four legs and one arm? A. A Rottweiler. Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? A. When you open her legs the lights go on. Q. When does a cub become a boy scout? A. When he eats his first Brownie. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? A. He was half nuts!!! Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air? A. Collecting her thoughts. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mom. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike? A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling. Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? A: Odor eaters Q: Why do men name their penis? A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: Why do women have vaginas? A: So men will talk to them. Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven? A: If it were more, it would be Hell. Q: What is the new gay website address? A: c : enter # # # Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy? A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? A: About three inches. Q: Why don't women have any brains? A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in. Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant? A: Her feet! Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist? A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush. Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69. Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: So he could run his fingers through his hair. Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman. A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it. Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A: A speech impediment. Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A: They're hiring. Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? A: He walks around saying, "Yo". Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp. Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Q: What's the Cuban national anthem? A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick." Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat. Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. #3 One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruits and vegetables. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" #4 It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Double Martinis & Fertility! While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- General Motors V's MICROSOFT For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part) 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate!" Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud!" Hans steps up next "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers!" Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin' real beer, then neither am I!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police have raided Michael Jackson's home again today, they found Class A drugs in the kitchen, Class B drugs in the bathroom, and Class 4c in the bedroom. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals were eating a comedian, when one said to the other. Does this taste funny to you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" Actual signs from hotels and such found around the world ======================================================== In a Tokyo Hotel Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Bangkok dry cleaners Drop your trousers here for best results. In a Paris hotel elevator Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Japanese hotel You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension. In a Yugoslavian hotel The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Outside a Paris dress shop Dresses for street walking ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MORTICIAN'S APPRENTICE These two old guys, Harry and Ted, are in the workers rest room of the local mortuary when one of the young apprentice morticians comes running in and says very excitedly, "I think you ought to come and have a look at the old woman in room three, drawer twenty one." "Oh yeah," replies Harry, "and why is that then?" "I know this sounds really strange but she's got a whelk up her fanny" said the young lad excitedly. "Look, we'll come and have a look after we've finished our coffee break," said Harry, "but I don't think we'll find a whelk up her fanny. I don't think you know what the bloody hell you're talking about young man!" Having finished their coffees Harry and Ted go into room three with the young lad and pull out drawer twenty one. Harry takes off the white sheet covering the old woman's naked body and asks the young lad and old Ted to hold and part a leg each while he investigates with his torch. "There it is," cried the young lad excitedly, "There's the whelk. I told you she had a whelk up her fanny but you wouldn't believe me." "That's not a whelk, you pratt," growled old Harry, "That's her clitoris. They get like that when they're this old" "Well, it sure tastes like a whelk," said the young lad. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Billy Conolly - his own words Things I hate about everybody.... 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I Know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my Crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give Me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, Then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the Longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus Come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots? 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just 'a Chicken Burger' gets blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser. 14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright? Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Spaniard who just had his car stolen.? Carlos. In Iraq, I am told, the women have started to walk in front of the Men after centuries of walking behind them. Is it some form of re-representation of their religion ? NOPE !!!!!! MINES............! --------------------------------------------------------- Two Blacks , Rastus and Leroy have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Rastus, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Rastus. "We's sergeants now, " says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Rastus, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Rastus. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants, now. So, they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Rastus, go look in a dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So, Rastus goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Rastus," he says, "why did you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY DO YOU GET MORE FOR SPERM AT A SPERM BANK THAN YOU DO FOR BLOOD AT A BLOOD BANK? BECAUSE SPERM IS HAND MADE --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did u get the one about the two queer ghosts!!! They tried to put the willies up each other! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Conclusive Proof It has recently been scientifically proved that traces of female hormones are generated in the fermentation process of beer making. In 2002, tests were carried out at Leicester University 100 males were each given 12 pints beer to drink over a three-hour period. At the end of this arduous task they were all tested and it was found that all 100 participants talked complete and utter nonsense and none of them could drive properly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Postman Pat's Last Day It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by the lady of the house - an attractive young blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most amazing sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words,"he said, "but what's the fiver for? "Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Three Scots and three English are travelling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scots buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the English. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Scots. They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scots (like always!) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip... To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks perplexed English. "Watch and learn..." says one Scottish lad. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots lads leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two statues, a man and a woman and one day an angel comes down and grants them the wish to be human for half an hour. So the angel does this and the 2 run of in to a bush and theres lots of rustling and after 15 minutes they hop out. The angel says theyve still got 15 minuets left so the female statue says to the male statue 'This time u hold the pigeon and i'll shit on its head'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Australian went into Fortnum and Masons and asked if they sold avocados/ "Certainly, sr," said the tailcoated attendant. "That's good," said the Australian. "I'll have one. How much is it?" "£3.50, sir," replied the attendant. "£3.50 for one avocado, you can stick it up...." "Unfortunately, I'm afraid that will not be possible, sir," replied the attendant, "because I am already accommodating a pineapple at £6.95." Excellent.... the "tailcoated" makes it! ------------------------------------- Whilst on an aeroplane I got talking to a stewardess - she was wearing a badge - it had the initials SM. I enquired whether it was her name ? She replied no my name is Sandy and the initials stand for Sex Maniac. I had always wanted to know which males were the best endowed so I asked which nationalities had the largest manhood's. She replied that Italians had the biggest girth and the red Indians had the longest. Happy in my knowledge I thanked her - by the way she said you know my name - whets yours "TONTO GABIADINI" I replied !! ------------------------------------- A hippy gets onto a bus, and sits down at the front, next to a nun. This particular hippy has a whole list of fetishes and fantasies, and one of them is to have sexual intercourse with a nun. A few minutes pass, and then he turns to her and bluntly asks, "Would you shag me, sista?" The very embarrassed nun politefully declines and gets off at the next stop. A few more minutes passed, and then the bus driver, who had overheard the episode, turns to the hippy and says, "Hey mate, I know how you can get the nun to have sex with you". Intrigued the Hippy begs him to tell him. "Okay," says the driver, "All you have to do is go to the cemetary at 2am and wait for her there. She prays there every night. Just dress up as God, and she will do your bidding!" The Hippy excitedly thanks him and gets off the bus. That evening, he arrives at the cemetary, dressed in a robe, with a mask on and glitter everywhere. He hides behind a tombstone. The nun woddles along at exactly 2am and starts praying. The Hippy immediately jumps out and says (in deep voice), "I am God... I will answer your every prayer, but first you gotta let me fuck you". The nun accepts, but asks that they only have anal sex, so as to preserve her virginity. 'God' agrees. The hippy starts pumping away, with all the usual noises. When he has finished unloading himself into the nun, he whips off the mask and says "Haha! I'm the hippy!!!"... so the nun whips off her mask and says, "Haha! I'm the busdriver!!!". -------------------------------------- Two sperms swimming along... one turns to the other and asks, "How long 'til we get to these eggs then, mate?"... the other turns back to him and says "I dunno mate... but we just passed the tonsils!" --------------------------------------- Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to make some calls. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others,"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes convertible, fully loaded." The third man bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes. The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio. -------------------------------------- The Bear and the Rabbit Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell. ---------------------------------------- Once there were a chicken and a horse playing together in a barnyard. Suddenly the horse fell into a mud-pit! He yelled out to the chicken: "HELP, HELP!!! Go get the farmer, save me, save me!!!" The chicken went looking for the farmer but couldn't find him. So he got the farmer's BMW and drove it over to the mud-pit, lasso's the horse, tied it to the car and pulled him out. The horse said "Thank you! Thank you! You saved my life, chicken..." A couple of days later they were playing there again. But this time the chicken fell into the mud-pit and called out to the horse: "Help me, help me!!!! Go get the farmer!!!" But the horse said: "There's no time!!! But I think I can reach you, hold on!" The horse stretched it's 4 legs across the mud-pit and yelled at the chicken: "Grab onto my dick!!!!!" The chicken grabbed on, the horse stretched back and saved the chickens life. So!!!!! What's the moral of the story?...... If you have a dick the size of a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks! ----------------------------------- Now, there were three Chinese guys, who all wanted to get into heaven, however, before they could be allowed in, god wanted them to perform a short of test of strength, to prove their worthiness to enter heaven. To prove this, each in turn had to lift up a large heavy stone, and the test began. The first chinese guy lifted the stone up with just one hand no problem, and god said "very well done my son, you are very strong, so you can come into heaven with my all my blessing". The second chinese guy huffed and puffed for about 20 minutes, and finally managed to lift the stone, and god granted him safe sanitary in heaven for ever with his blessing. However, when it came to the third chinese guy, he huffed, puffed, and sweated buckets trying to lift the stone, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not lift the stone. So god said "Your The Weakest Chink, Goodbye!!!" ------------------------------------------ 25 Things Never To Say During Sex 1) is it in? 2) that's it? 3) you've got to be kidding me. 4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? 5) do I have to pay for this? 6) do I have to call you tomorrow? 7) oh momma, momma! 8) oh daddy, daddy! 9) you look better in the dark. 10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. 11) I thought that goes in the other hole.... 12) don't tell my husband/wife. 13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). 14) this sucks. 15) can you finish now? I have a meeting... 16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this... 17) I think you might get the job for this. 18) damn! is that all you know what to do. 19) did I tell you, I have herpes? 20) now we must get married. 21) hurry up, the games about to start. 22) I'm hungry. 23) I'm thirsty. 24) zzzzzzzzzzzz. 25) are you trying to be funny? --------------------- A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and sinks, but the guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way over to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks at him, wide eyed and grateful and says, "You saved my life, I'm so grateful, and you're my hero." He suddenly realises the woman is Cameron Diaz. Days and weeks go by. Cameron and the guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's plenty of fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cameron's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cameron, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my trousers?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Mate! You'll never believe who I'm shagging!!" -------------------------- two juice cartons were hanging around a sewer when carton 1 sees two tampons floating by. Carton 1 says "hey you two .,., how you doin??", the tampons totally ignore the carton and float by. Carton 1 looks a bit depressed, and says "why are they like this???" At that carton 2 says "Don't worry about it .. they are stuck up cunts" ---------------------------- An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost! --------------------------- Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "I hope you know how to drive this thing !!" ----------------------------- One morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me, I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it". The friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" The girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she heads on over the girl's house. The girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box, and then she looks at the pieces again for a bit. The friend then turns to the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." -------------------------- We often hear of the government approving of new scientific experimentation long after the experiments have already been performed in secret for many years. Case in point recent cloning information that has appeared in several publications worldwide. It seems the federal government in the US has done these experiments for over two decades now. Recently it has been reported that there were cloned twins done nearly twenty years ago in a secret facility in Portland, Oregon. It was only discovered when one of them went mad and escaped and climbed to the top of the Freemont bridge where he was making quite a commotion turning the upper deck into a parking lot during rush hour traffic. He was yelling an unending stream of obscenities and gesturing to match his verbal tirade. One of the workers from the secret facility was appointed to climb to the top to silence him and try to keep anyone from discovering their activities. Having reached the top, the physically endowed worker easily made it look like he was attempting to rescue the insane clone and succeeded in letting him "accidentally" slip from his grasp. Authorities after a thorough investigation later arrested the secret facilities worker. They charged him with... Making an obscene clone fall. ------------------------- "The Amish Elevator" An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother." ----------------------------- I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent." He said "To camp?" I said butchly¨ "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan." He said "Camper?" I said camply¨ "Make your mind up.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are." "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from." "So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you." --------------------------- Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." ------------------- The Miraculous Toilet Paper Treatment Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. --------------------- Right, there was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walking across the desert. The Englishman had an umbella, the Scotsman has a hand gun, and the Irishman had a lorry door. They had walked about 50 miles, when they made camp, and whilst sitting round their camp fire, the Englishman asked the Scotsman, so what's with the hand gun. He replied, well, I thought it would be useful if we came across savage tribes, or hunting food. The Engishman and Irishman agreed, what a great idea. Then the Scotsman suggested the same to the Englishman, so jimmy, what's with the umbrella. I say, said the Englishman, if it rains lads, we can turn it upside down, and catch rain water in it, and drink fresh water. We can also shelter from the bad winds and sand storms. Both the Scotsman and Irishman agreed, what a great idea. Now, by this time, both the Englishman and Scotsman were puzzeled to say the least as why paddy was carrying a lorry door. So they asked paddy, so what's with the lorry door then paddy, where he replied, "thought you would never ask lads". You might have an umbrella for shelter, and a gun for hunting, but what if it get's too hot for us under that desert sun, what then. So I thought if I had a lorry door with me, we could all run along really fast, and wind the window down. ------------------------- joke: what's wrinkled and hangs out your underpants? your mum woman came up to me the other day says why do you have L and R on your shoes? its for left and right i explained. ah she said that explains the C&A on my pants how can you spot the blind guy in the nudist colony? IT'S NOT HARD Woman walks into a bar asks the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one ----------------------------- A Scottish bird goes into a bar in the Australian Outback on a Monday night and orders up ten Voddies and Ten Pints of Lager. She downs the lot, staggers outside, goes down the lane to have a slash and falls down unconscious. Eight Aborigines find her and shaft her prone body til the wallabies come home! The next night, the same thing&Ten Voddies, ten pints of Four Exx, outside for a widdle, then out for the count and an aboriginal gang bang. This goes on all week, much to the amazement of the bar-staff. Come Saturday night, they re waiting for her to make an appearance. The door opens and in she comes, slowly waddling up to the bar. She orders up ten whiskeys and ten pints of lager. Hey, shiela, what about the Voddies? asks the confused barman. Naw, she replies. ah cannae go them any merr: they were really beginning to make mah fanny ache! ---------------------------------- A wumman fancies a boob enlargement so she says to her man: Hey alex, ah really want breast enlargements. How much ll that cost like? he sez. Oh, about £5000 Get tae fuck! he snorts. Five grand?? No chance. Howzabout ye try the Toilet Paper trick? The toilet paper trick? she asks, Whits that aboot? Well, you get a big wad of toilet paper and you rub it between your boobs every night. She looks at him quizzically. An that ll make mah boobs nice and big, will it? Well, he smiles, It worked fine fur your arse! ---------------------- A hunter goes to the Canadian Rockies to hunt Grizzly bear. He treks for three days into the snowy wilderness and then sees his first bear. He whips out the rifle, takes aim and fires. He rushes down to where the bear should be breathing its last only to find¬hing. He feels a tap on his shoulder and there, snout dripping and teeth bared is the biggest fucken bear on the planet! The bear uncurls a claw the size of a bread knife and studies it intently. Right, you prick! the bear begins, Fire yer gun at me, eh? Ah ll gie you two choices. Ah can either take this claw and slit your belly open or you can get yer kecks aff and bend ower fur me. Whit ll be then? The Hunter leaves the forest with a very sore arse. The next season, the Hunter s back with a gun like the turret of a Sherman tank. Same again. He sees the bear, he takes aim and BANG! He slides down the snow to admire his kill but it ain t there. Another tap on the shoulder. The hunter turns to see two bears this time. Well, let me introduce you to my cousin, begins the bear, Its either your life or your arse, take your pick. Once again, the hunter leaves clutching snow to his behind. The next year, and the Hunter returns to the same spot only this time he s got a Surface to Air Heat seeking missile on his sledge! Again, the bear falls within the electronic sights and WHOOSH! The rocket belts down the slope and takes out fourteen Fir trees and a huge swathe of mountainside. The Hunter yelps with excitement and tumbles down the slope. But&Another tap on the shoulder and the hunter is confronted by the Bear, the Cousin and 28 other assorted relatives. The Bear smiles, lips curling back to reveal fangs like piano keys and winks at the Hunter: Your no really here fur the huntin , urr ye? sez the bear& ---------------------- An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are in the final stage of the SAS training program and there is one task left to do. The task given is for each man's wife to be put in a room and then they have to enter with a gun and shoot her. So the General sends the Englishman in first and within 3 minutes he returns in floods of tears saying that he cannot do it. The General sends him away and says well done better luck next time mate. The Scotsman does exactly the same - In and out within three minutes crying like a baby. He gets sent away too. So now the Irishman is given the gun and told to enter the room. Within 1 minute the General hears 4 gunshots. The Irishman returns and the General says to him 'Well done you have passed, you are in mate - lucky we used blanks in that gun though wasn't it?' The Irishman says 'Yeah that bloody gun!! I had to beat the bitch to death instead'.!!!!!! ---------------------- TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: ? Yes = No ? No = Yes ? Maybe = No ? We need = I want ? I'm sorry = You'll be sorry ? We need to talk = I need to complain ? Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to ? Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful ? Do what you want = You'll pay for this later ? I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! ? Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead ? You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me ? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs ? You're so manly = You need a shave and you stink of beer and stale sweat! ? Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive ? It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now ? You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? ? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV ? How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're not really going to like TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH: ? I'm hungry = I'm hungry ? I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy ? I'm tired = I'm tired ? Nice dress = Nice tits! ? I love you = Let's have sex now ? I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? ? What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question ? I love you, too = Okay, I said it...can we have sex now? ? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you ? Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you ? Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you ? Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you ? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys ? You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes ? Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person ? and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me ? I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay ---------------------------------------------------------------- Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro is....Top of the morning to you etc., etc Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. What are dey Son? says the attendant. They're called tees replies Tiger Woods. What're they for? enquires the Cork man They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving says Tiger Woods. Jaysus, says the Cork man, Dem boys at Volvo tink of fuckin' everyting!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------- There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So........... * * * * * * * * * * * They buried her. ---------------------------------------------------------------- A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred pounds? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred pounds." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be. "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place" "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?" Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" "Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of queens...." ---------------------------------------------------------------- A fabulously wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was just my mistress." The wife says, "That's it! I want a divorce!" "I understand," replies her husband, "but remember our prenuptial agreement... if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Bentley or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife. ---------------------------------------------------------------- One evening, a 17 year old lad turns up at his hot date for the evening's house. She comes to the door, hair freshly washed in a towel and wearing a dressing gown. "I'm really sorry," she said. "I got home late and I haven't had time to finish getting ready yet! Come in though and sit down in the lounge with my parents. Oh, and one thing - their both deaf mutes..." With that, she rushed upstairs and her hairdryer whirred into action. He paused for a moment, knowing how hard it is meeting the parents and then thought - well, they can't talk to me and I can't talk to them. THis shouldn't be too bad. He opens the door and see his date's mom and dad each sat in an armchair. Her mom was knitting and her dad was watching a football match on the TV. They looked up when he entered and he waved at each one and sat down and watched the soccer. After 10 minutes of just sitting there, the girl's mother stood up, pulled her skirt down, bent over and poured a cup of tea down her butt crack. The girl's father then stood up and proceeded to have sex with the mother, then sat back down in his chair placing match sticks under each one of his eyes. Deeply shocked, the lad just sat there, not wanting to look like he thought this was odd. Half an hour later, his date walked in and said I'm ready now. She looked stunning, but the lad was still in a state of shock. He said nothing and they left the house. At 10:30, his date turned to him and asked him if he had enjoyed the evening. He said yes and she asked why he seemed rather uncomfortable. Eventually, she managed to get him to tell her what happened. "Well," she said, "you know my parents are both deaf mutes:". He nodded. "They have to be able to communicate to each other somehow. What my mom was saying to my dad was 'Are you going to get the arsehole a drink?'" "Okay", he said, "but why did your dad do what he did?" "That was his way of saying 'fuck you - I'm watching the match'..." ------------------- A dude was sent to hell and upon arriving was greeted by the devil. He was offered eternity in one of three rooms. In the first room, there were people standing on their heads on woodedn floorboards for as far as he could see, millions and millions of lost souls, forever doing headstands. The dude was like "this sucks! show me the next room!" Satan said "ok, dude" and they moved on. In the next room, it was the same as before but the floor was concrete and the dude was like "balls to this! This is worse than the the first room!" So they moved on to the third and final room. As soon as the devil opened the door the stench of shit hit the dude and he gasped and started to gag. As far as he could see, there were people sitting around on seats floating in the shin-deep shit, eating biscuits, drinking tasty beverages and smoking whatever took their fancy. There were nubile succubi serving them snacks from between tehir breasts. The dude realised that the stench would become less unpleasant eventually and at least he didn't have to stand on his head, so he said "this is the room belzebub!" He entered, sat down and drank some coffee, had some jaffa cakes and chilled out. About ten minutes later, the devil came back in and said "alright arseholes, coffee break over, back on your heads!" --------------------- man walks into a pub and the barman notices that the customer has a shrunken head for the size of the rest of his body and so asks the fella what happened to you he's says and the bloke says well one day i was walking through the forrest and i heard a voice shout help help i looked down and saw a toad it said gives us a kiss and ill grant ya 3 wishes bloke cant believe it never seen a talking toad before so he thought what the hell so he bends down and kisses the toad and -bingo- the toad turns into this beautiful woman the guy is amazed .then the beautiful creatures says ask your wishes so the bloke says firstly iv always wanted to have body like arnold schwartznaegger then all of a sudden -wham- he's got this muscle toned physicue .guys amazed then the beautiful woman says now your second wish the bloke says well you are so beautiful can i make love to you -wham- he wakes from a stupor of passion cant believe his luck she asks again now for your third wish. he says after that fine peformance how about a little head !!!!!! ----------------- A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £100. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." ----------------- One day a young boy goes up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?" His father replies, "Well son, a vagina is soft, pink, and smells nice, kind of like a rose." The son says back to the dad, "What does it look like after sex?" The father a little embaressed says back to him, "Well son, you've seen that bulldog across the street haven't you?" The boy say yes dad? "Well... have you ever seen him eat mayonaise?" -------------- At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 16 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job." ------------------ 1. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. 2. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal. 3. What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sor-ass 4. What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. 5. What is the new O.J. web site address? Slash.slash.backslash.escape 6. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration. 7. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken. 8. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches. 9. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well-hung 10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One... Men will screw anything. 11. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other is used to carry groceries. 12. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? The one that's labeled "IDAHO" 13. Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog. 14. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit-bull 15. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber? A robber snatches watches. ----------- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. ------------ Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" ----------------- A man is delivering 3 monkeys to Edinburgh zoo, and the truck breaks down just a 1/2 mile from it. He gets out and has a look, and sees the radiator has water pissing from it. After thinking about it, he decides to ask someone passing to take the monkeys to the zoo for him, so he decides to ask the first guy that passes. " Excuse me mate, but could you do me favour ? I have to take these three monkeys to the zoo, but my truck has broken down. Will you take them to the zoo for £30 ? " "OK, no problem " said Paddy. Three hours later, and the guy gets his truck sorted, and he's driving down Prince's Street and he sees Paddy, with the three monkey's walking down the road, hand in hand. " Hey, I gave you £30 to take these monkeys to the zoo " " Yes, I know ", say's Paddy. " I've taken them to the zoo, I've got £10 left, I'm taking them to the movies now " !!!! ---------------- Bull Auction This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,"Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!" ----------------- an 80 year old couple are haveing trouble with their memory so they go to the doctor to see if there is a physical problem. After a complete checkup the doctor tells them they are in good physical shape, maybe they should try writing things down to help them remember. That night while watching tv the old man gets up to go to the kitchen, the wife asks where are you going to which he replies the kitchen. She asks, will you get me some ice cream, the husband says sure, she asks do you think you need to write that down, he says no I can remember ice cream and starts to walk off, his wife says but I want some strawberries on it, ok he replies, she says are you sure you don't need to write that down, again he says no I can remember ice cream and strawberries and goes to leave, again she says but... I want some cool whip on it, ok he replies, as he starts to walk off she says you sure you don't need to write that down to which he replies aggrivated NO I can remember ice cream, strawberries and cool whip and proceeds to the kitchen, about 20 minutes later he returns with a plate of bacon and eggs to which she says SEE I told you to write it down you forgot my toast. ----------------- A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to pop, and would have promised anyything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button labelled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he> pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!... He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies room. "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." ---------------- As you are receiving an e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE -------------- A little kid one day goes spying by his sisters room and he happens to catches his sister on her bed naked wiggling around touching herself moaning " i need a man, i need a man". The little kid goes sneeks away is is kind of confused. The next day the kid spies on his sister again in her room and sure enough she is there having sex with a man. The little kid gets really excited runs back to his room rips off all his clothes gets on the bed naked wiggling around and moaning " I need a bicycle, I need a bicycle". Oh well. ------------- Little Tommy is back at school after having the previous day off, the teacher says, "It is good to see you back at school Tommy, have you been ill?", "No miss", replies Tommy, "I was absent because my grandpa got burned yesterday". "Oh dear, I hope he was not burnt too badly" replies the teacher, to which Tommy replies, " Well miss, they don't mess about at these f*!*!*g crematoriums".   Two cannibals, a father & son are walking through the jungle when they come across a beautiful young girl lying asleep on the ground, "let's take her home and eat her" the son says to his father, "I've a better idea" the father replies, "let's take her home and eat your mother!!". -------------- A man is in a hurry to cut the grass in his front lawn and before he can stop himself runs over a frog. But the frog is still sitting there.  Overcome with curiosity he runs the mower back over the frog. But the frog is STILL sitting there.  He can't help himself, he pushes the mower forward and leaves it over the frog. He gets down on his hands and knees and looks under the mower and there he sees the frog.. ..jumping up and down.  --------------- CAMPGROUND TOILET A nice little old lady who was a little bit old fashioned, was planning a week's vacation at a particular campground in Texas. But she wanted to make sure of all the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were the toilet facilities. But she couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in a letter to a stranger. After considerable deliberation, she settled on the words "bathroom commode". And when she wrote her letter to the campground she referred to the bathroom commode as the "BC."  This is what she wrote: Does the campground have it's own BC The campground owner was baffled by this abbreviation, so he showed the letter around to several campers and they couldn't decipher it either. Finally the campground owner figured she must be referring to the location of the local Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote to her: Dear Madam, I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now have the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I must admit it is quite a distance away if you're in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you'll be pleased to know a great number of the people here take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may also interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats and they are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say that it pains me not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we get older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps my wife and I could go along with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community. -------------------- Cookies!! An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "F**k Off," she said, "they're for the funeral." ------------------ Dat's Italian A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." --------------- Three-third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a little longer. Now, not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book..and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Malcolm and Herb pulled out our dicks, and I had the biggest. The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replied: "No, Honey of course not. It's because you're twenty-three." ----------------- A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a bread pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!" ******************************* An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn,there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink,Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" **************************************** ODE TO THE AUSSIE SHEILA OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING, YOU'RE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD, AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS, I MEAN EVERY BLOODY WORD. SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE, I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB, IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY,THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB. SO YOUR BELLY AINT QUITE FLAT NO MORE, I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE, SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA, I CAN GET ME ARMS AROUND THERE. NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE, HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS, THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY, BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST. IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW, I NEVER TELL YA LIES AND I RECKON THAT ITS SEXY, THAT YOU GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS. I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW, THE MOMENT THAT WE MET I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS I, WAS EVER GONNA GET. NO MATTER WOT YA LOOK LIKE, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON, AND GET US ANOTHER BEER! ****************************************** When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" ****************************************** Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.... *************************************** A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that gave you away." **************************************** A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers". ---------------- When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." ------------- G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you." So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Colin Powell says, "It's me!" So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell." And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" -------------- The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM last evening. His feats as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going were the subject of a massive advertising campaign. "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death. An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner,Dora Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he just kept coming, and coming, and coming..... -------------- An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw an 8-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky...... "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The Atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw....brought both paws together....bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful, Amen * * * * * A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" Yo ! ------------ Davo decides to sell up , leave the rat race and move to Greece. Once settled in, he goes about the business of meeting the locals and finding out who's who, then one day while walking in the hills he comes across a man herding goats. Eager to make acquaintances he introduces himself, "Hello, friend, my name is Davo" the pair shake hands and then Davo continues the conversation " And what, may I ask do they call you sir?" Suddenly the Greek becomes very embarrassed and his gaze diverts to the floor, " Sir many years ago there was a fire at the village school. Many of the children were trapped inside the building, screaming and crying. It was terrible. Without any thought for my own safety I beat back the flames and one by one pulled the children free" Davo is amazed by the shepherd's story. " Sir that is quite incredible " "Thank you kind sir" replies the shepherd, " But sir , do they call me Stavros, the hero of our children"? NO. The man looks down and shakes his head. He then points to a chapel sitting high on the hillside opposite. " Sir, you see the chapel? Many years ago the nuns of the village were suddenly removed from the old chapel we once had in the village. They had occupied it for centuries, but evil men came, men who wanted to reclaim the land and build a new motorway- the motorway you see over there runs right where their place of worship once stood. The nuns were destitute, they had nowhere to go, and so with my own bare hands I spent every spare minute, day and night, building a new chapel for them: the chapel you now see on the hill over there. But do the Call Me " Stavros the Builder of the Chapel"? No. Then the man suddenly becomes angry and begins th wave his fist in the direction of the village before announcing, " But I shag one Goat.............." ---------------- 1. Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Jane called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," replied Jane. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T Error 2. Turn about ... When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs, cackle, and tell me, "You're next." ... They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 3. One Big Coincidence While traveling in England, the young American photographer attended a palace ball and was introduced to the Queen. "How extraordinary," her Majesty said, "my brother-in-law is a photographer." "It certainly is a coincidence." he replied. "The man from San Francisco my sister married turned out to be a queen." ---------------- A man walks up to a checkout in a supermarket and places the contents of his trolley on the desk: 1 bar of soap, 1 small tube of toothpaste, 1 Pint of milk 1 microwave meal for one 1 bar of chocolate and 1 'Find a Date' magazine. The young girl behind the till asks "single?" The man looks down and says sarcastically "How did you guess?" She looks back up at him and says "Cos you're fucking ugly!" ------------