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Missing Life Aboard

A Notice Board Dit

Thanks to Martin 'Jimmy' Green for seding in the original from wich this has been taken.


Shipmates - Finding trouble on remembering life aboard, then here's some handy tips - To recapture the atmospher oft hose old days and turn your home into a facsimilie of your old mess.

Choose one room and black out all windows and doors, cut a hole in the ceiling and add a ladder down which you can enter. Make sure the hole is as far away from the bathroom as you can make it.

Replace the overhead lights with small strip lights, make sure at least one doesn't work and another blinks.

Turn your wardrobe on its side and sleep in it, inside a smelly sleeping bag. Make sure you have a pillow case with a picture of a 'Mickey Duck' , Union Jack or Football Team on it. (No Care Bears please)

Switch your Vacuum Cleaner to low power and blow, cut a hole in one corner of your new bunk space and fit the hose. (You will find the noise might help you sleep.

Remove the wardrobe door and hang a curtain thats too small.

Four hours after you go tobed, have your wife whipopen the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes and say - "Sorry Mate - Wrong pit".

Have a lawnmower running 24 7 in your living room toprovide the proper ambience.

Install a small flouresent light under your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

Raise the threshold and lower the tops of any doors to ensure you regularly bang your head and bruise your shins as you move around your house.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the shower head down to chest level. Store beer barrels in one of these two compartments.

When you shower remember to turn off the water as you soap.

Wash your underwear every night in bucket and hang it over the sink to dry.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Get your kids to set the alarm for random times. When it goes off leapout of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and breakout the garden hose. For added realism fill your room with smoke first.

Use 4 sppons of coffee per cup leave to sit for three hours before drinking, hold cup by handle and dunk it in a pail of cold water to wash before putting it on shelf for next bloke. Don't forget to write in the log you have done this.

Invite at least 85 people you dont really like to stay for a couple of months.

Every so often have the cat thrown in the water but and shout 'Man over board' - then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes on the floor , whilst yelling at the wife for nor securing for sea properly. - Muster all the thimbles in the house to make sure one is not missing.

Put on your stereo headphones, do not plug themin and go and stand in front of the dish washer. Sayto nobody in particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready Sir", Stand there for three hours, say onve again to nobody in particular "dishwasher secured " remove headphones, rollup cord and put away.

Nickname your favarite shoe 'steamies' and get your children to kick them around the house on a random basis.