Humour

 

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Feeling Low? Need a pick-me-up?

In that case you need to experience the dry wit of Scottish humour! These observations of yesteryear may need your full attention, and they most certainly are not politically correct, but persevere and I think you'll find they're worth the trouble. Enjoy!


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Click to enlarge!

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Anent a Scotsman's self-complacency, it is told that on one occasion an Irishman thus addressed a Scotsman: "Shure ye needn't be thinkin' so much of yirself! Hasn't Mr Darwin tould us that we're all descended from the monkeys?" "Weel, "said the unruffled Scotsman solemnly, "that may be true o' you Irish, but I assure you it's no' true o' us Scotch; for we've a-scended frae the monkeys."

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I once asked a worthy old man how his son was getting on in London. "He's getting on fine!" was the pleased reply. "Ane o' the heids o' s' firm is an American, an' his a great notion o' oor Robert.  Jist the ither day he was sair needin' somebody to clerk for 'm in a hurry, so he rang his bell and shouted oot, 'Sen' me aither the Scotsman or twa Englismen.'"

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Another old man, in telling me about his son, was delightfully fluent: "He's gettin' on fine. He's ower in America. He's mairrit noo, an' we hinna been hearin' sae muckle fae him since. Bit he's gettin' on fine. He's a coachman tae ane o' thae million-aires, an' his a big wage. ye see, thae Americans are awfa' parteekler. Fin they get the hud o' a Scotsman, they like tae keep him."

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An American, being shown things in Scotland by a Glasgow man, hurt him by repeatedly saying that they had bigger and better in the United States. When they came to Loch Katrine, the American  was for the first time impressed and said, "Yes, it's a mighty fine lake: I like it." "Well," said the Scot, gaining some confidence, "do you know that in the year 1886 we put down pipes and laid this water on to Glasgow?" "That gives me and idea," said the American: "I guess we've gat engineers on the other side who could put pipes acrass the Atlantic and lay this water on to Noo Yark: do you think the water would come through?" "Weel," said the Scot, "if you chaps ower there are as guid at sookin' as ye are at blawin', ye'll get the water a'richt."

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An Englisman candidating in a Scottish constituency, when submitting to heckling, was confronted by a voter who said in a rather contemptuous tone, "Ye're and Englishman, aren't ye?" The candidate was stung and replied, with spirit, "Yes, sir, I am an Englishman: I was born and Englishman and I hope to die an Englishman." "Man," said the Scot, "hiv' ye nae ambeetion?"

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A minister, preaching in a strange church, before the morning service asked the beadle, "At what point in the service do I give out the intimations?" "O," said the beadle, "we only give out the intimations at the evening service here." During the singing after the sermon the beadle came up the pulpit steps, handed the minister some papers and whispered, "Ye'd better gie oot the intimations." "But," whispered back the minister, "you said that you only gave out the intimations at the evening service." "Ay," replied the beadle, "but A doot there'll no be much o' an evenin' service the nicht."

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Another story of the crushing of a minister is of a "candidate" who after the first service was anxious to find out what sort of impression he had made and asked the beadle. "Nae yiss ava," (no use at all), was the reply. "Dear me," said the discomfited candidate, "do you mind telling me what was wrong with my sermon?" "Weel, in the furst place, it was read; secondly, it was badly read; and in the thurd place, it wisna worth readin'."

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In the old days ministers did not mince matters. One in the course of a sermon said, "A've kent o' better folk than you, efter they were deed, in the place where the wurm dieth not and the fire is not quenched, callin' out tae the Lord in their agony, 'O Lord, A niver kent it wud be as bad as this.' And the Lord, out of His love and tender mercy vouchsafed the answer, 'Weel, ye ken noo.'

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Hotel Porter, expecting a tip - "Hope you'll have a nice journey, sir."
Tammas McDougal - "Verra sorry, ma laddie, but I've gi'en a' ma' sma' change tae th' chambermaid."
Porter - "She told me you didn't give her anything."
Tammas - "A' weel, if I didna gie yon bonnie lassie onything, fit sort o' chance dae you think ye've got?"

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"Hoo are ye gettin' on wi' the wife?"
"Fine. We're nae speakin'."

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"Michty me, man!" exclaimed MacPherson. "Hoo did ye get that awfu' black e'e?"
"I got it fae a man at whose marriage I wis best man," explained the other, "jist because I kissed th' bride."
"Whit a jealous craitur" cried MacPherson indignantly. "But its th' custom for th' best man tae kiss th' bride."
"Aye, I ken that, bit ye see - this was five 'eers aifter th' marriage!"

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Customer - "Fit dae ye chairge for a haircut?"
Barber - "Eightpence."
Customer - "And foo muckle for a shave?"
Barber - "Fourpence."
Customer - "Weel, gie ma heid a shave."

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Representing an Aberdeen house, a commercial traveller found himself delayed in the Highlands by snow. Local folk said that there was little chance of him getting away for two or three days. Accordingly he wired his firm - "Marooned here by bad weather. Conditions impossible. Wire instructions."
In the shortest time came the reply - "Commence summer holidays as from yesterday."

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The proprietor of a Ross-shire hotel, which was popular with travellers, sent this wire -
"Simpson & Timson, Aberdeen.
Your Traveller, William MacFootes, died here today. What shall we do?"
And the following reply was received - "Search his pockets for orders."

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Landlady - "Mr MacAlister, come out here and look at this marvellous rainbow."
MacAlister - "Hoo much extra is it?"

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You can always tell an Aberdeen motorist. He takes every corner on two wheels to save wear on the tyres.
You can always tell an Aberdonian - but you can't tell him much.
At a fire in an Aberdeen tobacconist's shop the police had great trouble in dispersing the crowd which gathered to inhale the free smoke.
Aberdonians are a very inventive set. They have found a new use for worn-out razor blades - they shave with them.

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A tourist passenger in a train going north, observing Kintore did not seem to be a very busy place, asked (in a way which tourists are apt to do) a porter who was standing on the platform, "Why are we stopping here?"
The porter replied, "ye maun stop here; it's a junction ye ken; and forbye Kintore's a Royal Burgh."
"Indeed," said the tourist, becoming interested, "and is there a Provost and Magistrates?"
"Ay," said the porter.
"And does your Provost go about with a chain?"
"Na, na, he jist gangs aboot louse." [loose]

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It is said that an American, visiting Scotland for the first time, was somewhat puzzled by the dialect of a railway porter, and taking him for a foreigner, asked what country he came from.
"I belong to Scotland, bonnie Scotland," said the porter, and then added, "And far d'ye cam frae?"
To which the American replied, "I come from the greatest country the world has ever known".
On which the porter exclaimed, "Man, what an awfa peety ye've lost your accent."

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A Company of Americans were touring Scotland and lost their way in the north. Presently they found themselves in the outskirts of a large city. Stopping the car they asked a boy the name of the town. "I'll tell ye if ye gie me saxpence," replied the youth. "Drive on!" said the American - "I guess this is Aberdeen."

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An Aberdeen Proverb -

Keep yer auld Flag for the new Flag Day.

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Whilst paying a visit to Dundee recently, an Aberdonian was deeply interested in the number of gulls he saw flying about. "Whit kind o' birds are thae?" he asked his friend. "These are gulls," was the reply. "Gulls!" said the Aberdonian - "Whit dae they live on ?"  "On odds and ends of fish in the river and scraps of food lying about the town."  "That's strange," he replied, "We've nae birds like thae in Aiberdeen!"

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An Aberdonian butcher received a note the other day. It read as follows: "Please don't send the pennyworth of liver today. The cat has caught a mouse."

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A tramp stopping an Aberdonian in Union Street enquired - "Can ye spare a copper?"  "D'ye ken whaur ye are, man? replied the pedestrian, "This is Aiberdeen."

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An Aberdonian told a friend of his intention to pay a visit to London. His friend told him it was very lucky to throw a halfpenny out of the carriage as he crossed the bridges on the way south. On his return he was asked how he got on. "Weel enough," was his reply. "I got on fine crossin' the Dee and managed a' richt at the Tay Bridge, but when I came to the Forth Bridge the string to mixed up with the girders and I lost my ha'penny."

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"Jokin' aside," said the Aberdonian, "How much whusky dae ye think an Aberdonian can drink?"  "Any given quantity!" replied his English friend.

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A keen golfer with an Aberdonian accent who on being asked what he thought of the course, replied "It's no' that bad. I lost four ba's but found six."

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Of course, everybody knows about the great hold-up of traffic in Union Street. It was caused by a horse that wouldn't move and when by gentle coaxing it at last raised one foot a sixpence was found under it.

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An Aberdonian and a Yorkshireman foregathered in Hull. They discovered they were both thirsty, but naturally neither of them had any money. A bright thought struck the Yorkshireman. "I know a barmaid who is very forgetful. If you engage her in conversation, she can't remember being paid or not. I'll go in and see if it'll work." In he went and in a short time he came out to find Jock patiently waiting "Weel, hoo died ye get on?" "Fine, Jock, you try it on." In Jock went, and after ordering his glass of whisky, he engaged the barmaid in an interesting conversation, and after ten minutes had passed he casually remarked, "Ah weel, I'll hae to be going. Whit aboot my change?"

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There was great excitement on Deeside. A boy had fallen into the river and been rescued just in time by a passer by. When things has calmed down a bit, the hero was approached by the boy's father and questioned:- "Are you the man that saved my laddie?"  "Yes!"  "Whaur's his bonnet?"

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A few Aberdonians on their way home for the Christmas holidays changed trains at a certain Railway Junction. Whilst waiting for their train they observed a porter standing about with a wistful and expectant Xmas look on his face. "Come on, boys!" exclaimed one of them - "We must give the Porter something - let's give him three hearty cheers!"

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An Aberdonian went to the Dentist to get a tooth extracted. He got gas and when he came to himself, discovered that all his teeth were out.
"Whit wey did ye dae that?" he asked.
"Oh," replied the Dentist. "I gave ye ower much gas and didna want to waste it."

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On the occasion of a Flag Day in Aberdeen there was a great exodus from the city. Thirteen passengers were in one compartment and, being superstitious, they decided to toss a sixpence in order to determine which one should leave the carriage at the next stop. While tossing the sixpence, it unfortunately fell out of the window, with the result that the thirteen passengers were killed by a train coming in the opposite direction.

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A Question of Brains - An Aberdonian, resident in London, had a conversation with a Londoner regarding the large number of Scotsmen holding responsible positions in the Metropolis.
"Why is it?" asked the Londoner.
"Weel," replied the Aberdonian, "it's a question of brains. The Scotsmen have the brains."
"Yes, yes, but why do they have the brains?"
"Oh, that's easily explained. They live on fish and fish make brains. You could get brains too if you lived on fish. Suppose I send you a pound's worth from Aberdeen!"
"All right," replied the Londoner, "I'll try it." So he handed over the pound. In due course one haddock arrived from Aberdeen. Some days after, the friends met again.
"Weel," asked the Aberdonian, "and how did the fish work - notice any difference?"
"I can't say I do."
"Oh but you must persevere. May I send you another pounds worth?"
"All right, I'll try it."
So another pound passed into the Aberdonian's keeping. Again one haddock arrived at its London destination. The friends met again:
"Weel," asked the Aberdonian, "how are you getting on - notice any difference yet?"
"I can't say that I do."
"Oh, but you mustn't give up now. You must take the whole course. Suppose I send you another pounds worth?"
"Oh, but I say," replied the Londoner, "that's a fearful price for one haddock: surely there's something wrong!"
"Ah, now I've got you," replied the Aberdonian, "the fish are beginning to tell!"

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An Aberdonian on a visit to a friend in London overstayed his welcome. It was getting towards Christmas and his host thought a kindly hint might have the desired result.
"Don't you think," he said, "that your wife and family will want you to be with them at Christmas?"
"Man," replied the Aberdonian, "I believe you're richt. It's rale thochtfu' o' you. I'll just send for them."

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An Aberdonian died and went to Heaven. He could not find the Golden gates; a fellow-townsmen had been there before him.

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Donald hadn't come across his friend Sandy since the Wedding Day, now six months past, and at last they met in Union Street.
"Weel, Sandy," said Donald, "and hoo are ye likin' merried life?"
"No' bad," replied Sandy, "but she's aye ask, ask, askin' for money!"
"Hoo much hae ye gi'en her?"
"Nane as yet."

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An Aberdonian, spying a threepenny bit in Piccadilly, stepped forward to pick it up and was run over by a passing bus.

The coroner's verdict was - "Death through natural causes."

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Lightning Appraisal

"And what happened tae ye, Donald?"

"Weel, it was like this. I wis teachin' the wife tae drive, when we cam' doon the hill and the brakes failed."

"Aye, and what did ye dae then?"

"Keep your heid!" I says tae her, "and try and hit something cheap!"

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Dead Man's Shoes

Daughter: "Faither, noo that yer business partner is deid, could my boyfriend no' tak' his place?"

Father: "Ay, that's a' richt wi' me if you can fix it up wi' the undertaker."

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An American in a London hotel was introduced to a Scotsman who asked him:

"An' what country dae you belang tae?"

"The greatest country in the world!" replied the American.

"Man, so dae I!" answered Sandy, "but ye dinna speak like a Scotsman!"

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"Dae ye ken, Geordie, I'm the happiest man in the world. I've got the best wife in the country."

"Wha wadna be happy wi' his wife in the country?"

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Mrs Macnab rushed into the house in a state of terror.

"John! John!" she cried, "there's a cow in the garden!"

"Weel, dinna stand there wastin' precious time," said John. "Get back to the garden and milk it afore it gets oot."

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"Wad ye love my Jeannie as muckle if she had nae siller?"

"I would that, sir."

"Then ye'd better gang hame - I dinna want anither fool in the family."

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"Mary, my lassie," said an Aberdonian to his daughter. "I've just had a visit fae Tam and I've consented to your weddin'."

"Oh, but faither," she cried out, "I dinna want to leave ma mither!"

"Hoots, lassie," said the father. "Dinna let that worry ye. Ye can tak' her wi' ye."

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Maggie had put "Rest in Peace" on the tombstone of her departed husband's grave; but when she found he had left her nothing, she hastened to the mason and told him to add the words "Till I come."

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A woman and a man from Aberdeen were the only survivors from a shipwreck. By the end of a few weeks on a desert island their clothes were in rags, their provisions finished, - the future looked grim.

"It couldn't be worse!" sighed the woman.

"Och ay it could!" said the Aberdonian. "I micht hae bocht a return ticket!"

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I'll be adding a few more of these from time to time - so keep checking!


Hoot's Maun!