SCENE 1:  Prime Minister’s Office

 

Hacker:  Good morning Humphrey, Bernard

 

Bernard:  Good morning Prime Minister.

 

Humphrey:  Prime Minister

 

Hacker:  Humphrey, I’m not happy.

 

Humphrey:  Oh dear, Prime Minister.  What seems to be the trouble today?

 

Hacker:  I attended a meeting last night of the parliamentary party.  You know, to present our proposals on transport and in particular the results of our review of the high speed rail link to Birmingham and the North before our major policy announcement this afternoon.

 

Humphrey:  And I take it the parliamentary party were none too happy about the results.

 

Hacker:  You take it correctly.  That Ron Jones, called me an uncivilised barbarian.  Me!   A barbarian!  Jumped up little twerp he is.  If he thinks he’s getting a peerage now, he’s got another thing coming.

 

Humphrey:   Hmmm, I see.

 

Hacker:  I just can’t understand it.  I thought they’d all be pleased.  We’re investing billions in a new high-speed rail link to the North to reduce our carbon footprint, take pressure off our airports, reduce the journey time from London, and create tens of thousands of jobs in the process.

 

Humphrey:  You mean save tens of thousands of jobs.

 

Hacker:  No, create them – real, new jobs in delivering real terms upgrades in our national transport infrastructure.

 

Humphrey:  Well that’s good party stuff, but not actually true.

 

Hacker:  What do you mean it’s not true?

 

Humphrey:  Prime Minister, we’re not building High Speed 2 to create new jobs, any more than we’re building it to reduce our carbon footprint or to take pressure off the airports.

 

Hacker:   What are we building it for, then?

 

Humphrey:  To maintain roughly the current levels of employment in the construction industry.  We’ve been doing it for years.  First there was the channel tunnel.  Then, when that was finished, there was High Speed 1.  When High Speed 1 was complete, we started the Heathrow Express.  Then the West Coast mainline.  Once that was finished, we resurrected that hoary old chestnut Crossrail until someone at the Department of Transport came up with the wizard wheeze of High Speed 2.

 

Hacker:  Humphrey, that’s ridiculous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Humphrey:  Prime Minister, how do you think the route for HS2 was arrived at?

 

Hacker:  I don’t know.  I assume a detailed engineering and cost analysis was undertaken by the Department of Transport and having looked at all the engineering challenges, they selected a route that balanced environmental, cost and engineering impact – something like that. 

 

Humphrey:  Oh... Prime Minister

 

Hacker:  Is that not how it was done?

 

Humphrey:  If only...  Well, whilst I can’t possibly comment on what your predecessor may have said or done officially, unofficially, I think what actually happened was that your predecessor and the former minister of transport sat in this very office with a large map of Southern Britain and drew a line through as many of your party’s constituencies as possible so-as not to undermine the core vote in their own constituencies so close to an election.

 

Hacker:  Humphrey, this is awful.  How come I wasn’t told about this?

 

Humphrey:  Well, Prime Minister, I think it was because you never asked.  In any case, I thought it was as blindingly obvious. 

 

Hacker:  Well, it wasn’t blindingly obvious to me.  What else about this ghastly proposal don’t I know?

 

Humphrey:  I’m sorry, what don’t you know?

 

Hacker:  Yes, exactly!  What don’t I know?

 

Humphrey:  Prime Minister... Err, I’m sorry, I don’t know.

 

Hacker:  What do you mean you don’t know?

 

Humphrey:  I don’t know.  I mean, I don’t know what you don’t know.

 

Bernard:  If I may, Sir Humphrey.  I think what Sir Humphrey means, Prime Minister, is that he doesn’t know what you don’t know because there’s no way he can know what you know or don’t know.  So in order to answer your question, he would have to know what you know and don’t know and he doesn’t know it.  If you were able to tell him what you don’t know, then he would be able to tell you what he knows.

 

Hacker:  But I can’t tell him what I don’t know because I don’t know it!   Look, Humphrey, if I ask you a simple question in plain English, can you answer it?

 

Humphrey:  Well, I shall most certainly try, Prime Minister.  What is the question?

 

Hacker:  I DON’T KNOW!  If I knew what questions to ask, I’d be in the know.  But I’m not in the know, I’m in the dark.

 

Bernard:  If I can clarify, Prime Minister?  You're in the dark about what you don't know and as such, you'd like Sir Humphrey to shed some light on what you don't know.  However, Sir Humphrey doesn't know what to shed light onto, because he doesn't know what you don't know, leaving you in the dark.     PTO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, Prime Minister -

High Speed 2

Sorry Ken.  I found this and it is brilliant!