On the first day of Christmas,
my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned
my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In
that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her
paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-
balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups
of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter....
Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline
ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe
Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas,
my kitten accompanied me...
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling
ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28.00
for the office visit, $36.00 for anesthesia so the veterinarian
could take $55.00 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any
other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment
when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less
than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas,
my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting
to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error
was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned
sleeping under the tree. How was I to know she was actually
measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs?
$7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise
men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It
was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch
someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do
so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace
the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the
charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain
secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way.
You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this
year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas,
my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two,
really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store,
I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently,
anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma
for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another
roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes,
$1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister, Mary. Actually, it
was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her
nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more
appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a
kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the center
of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so.
And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out
of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't
get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers
for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to
leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday
season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before
I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol
sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of
petroleum jelly: 79¢.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's
delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help
line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the
listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
my kitten hid from me...
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be
such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power
knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including
my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life."
Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2.00; purchase
of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately,
it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with
kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my kitten ate for me...
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this
one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered
those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara.
Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.
On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
*****************************************************
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation for
CAT v. 7.0
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications
User Friendly; Mouse Driven; Self Cleaning; Energy Saving
Standby Mode When Not In Use; Self Portable Operation; Dual
Video; Bi-directional Audio Input/Output, Primary and secondary
output ports: high-speed serial port for streaming data
and standard parallel port for data blocks; Auto search
Routines for Input Data; Autocracy for Output Bin; Instant
Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full
Power Mode
Production Details
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks
of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features
are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local
suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's
quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes
salvage rejected units.
Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
Transportation
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation
to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit
may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury
to the user.
Installation Procedures
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the
unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look
for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative
of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually
remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature
at 20º C (± 3 º tolerance). Use a quiet
room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation
case and let the CAT unit auto exit. Initialize the self
learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins.
These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature,
99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards,
display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed,
it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new
CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self
learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT
will auto switch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU
system will store the new information to permanent memory.
After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating
environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are
operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down.
If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the
CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full
portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never
let the CAT unit auto exit the site. The advantages are
longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT
units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with
untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to
exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal
errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it
should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and
URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to
be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it
correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the
unit to an online state. Many owners give their Cats a secret
password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by
booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged.
Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will
sit across the room with its back to you.
Applications
At present, there are few productivity applications for
CAT.
MOUSE; This is a killer application. It comes pre-installed.
GAME PLAYING ; Many owners use their system for game playing.
Cats play best when they are young. Older units suffer a
system timing decay which leads to reduced response and
flexibility.
Some CAT games are:
CACHE; The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the
K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
JUMP; Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit
will reach new heights of operation.
MIRROR; Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it
attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the
system by calling its name.
CHASE; Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit.
Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts
to parse it.
SING; Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
BUGHUNT; Some CAT units are very efficient bug hunters.
Maintenance
Cats will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour
cycle.
Cats are self cleaning and require little user maintenance.
Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents.
This may lead to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician) for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable
parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds,
it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the rear of the CAT unit to determine if
it has a male or female scuzzy port. Cats with a male port
may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component.
Cats with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems.
The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal
part. Such systems run unix.
In senior CAT units, male scuzzy ports can become blocked,
leading to extensive VET visits and serious performance
limitations.
Warning Notices
CAT systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated
jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment
of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on
a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus
classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit
was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving
at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin spike connectors have
an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer
is not responsible for injuries to the user. These spike
connectors require monthly maintenance to avoid damage to
site furniture.
Do not poke anything into the Cat's I/O ports. CAT may
BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may
build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated
surface.
Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user
damage.
Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
The self-programming feature of the CAT unit may introduce
functions that are not user-friendly. For example, the CAT
will quickly associate display of the transportation case
with a trip to the VET or the offsite storage facility.
In such instances, the CAT will self-initiate the ESCAPE
mode. This requires the user to employ SEEK and CAPTURE
programs to reestablish control of the CAT in order to place
it in the transportation case.
Service Life
As Cats become older, the learn program will recognize
every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own
good.
Cats like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies,
such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years
of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users
don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability
to run complex simulation games.
If the user will be absent from the host site for an extended
period, provision for CAT maintenance must be provided.
Options are:
Offsite Storage
This may cause errors in user-associated CAT programs.
Some reprogramming may be required.
Onsite Maintenance By Contractors
Contractors must have full access to the host site. They
should provide full I/O service to the CAT and not boot
the system.-
User Groups
CAT users can find other users and the FAQ on the Usenet
newsgroup rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure.
Nine coupons are included.
If the unit operates in networks that experience heavy
traffic, some units may use all nine coupons in one confrontation.
This can lead to system failure.
Documented Problems
The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead
to serious performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational
CAT unit. These systems are not compatible. The BIRD unit
may be erased permanently.
The self-cleaning feature that comes standard with CAT
units has a capacity limitation. The unit's recycle bin
eventually fills and then empties without warning.
CAT units have an internal clock. These normally initialize
automatic programs (CLEAN, etc.) These cannot be reset by
the user. The internal alarm clock often goes off 30 minutes
before the user's alarm clock.
System Features
Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest
footprint in the industry).
Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user
friendliness.
Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime = 15 years with ± 72 months (although
20 years are common).
Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting
supertwist technology.
Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white),
64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40
terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip = 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumption = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms
per second.)
Operating Range = -30º to +45º C (-22º to
105º)
Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance
points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As
soon as they wake up from their nap.
Submit Your CAT Bug Report
Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it's not
a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints:
just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention
either.
********************************************************
Some thoughts on cats
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to
pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."
- Lazarus Long,
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a cat."
- Franklin P. Jones
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
- Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
God."
"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and
get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject
to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They
are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
life:
music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
any
harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat...
I miss him sometimes."
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