Pies-R-Squared ... THE website for pie lovers
Food
of all kinds, even pies, appears to attract pretentious buggers who
aren’t satisfied calling a dish by its proper name, but instead have to
“embellish” menus, blackboards, bills of fare etc with
all sorts of unnecessary additions.
Words like “jus”, “confit” and “drizzle” are being used when gravy, mixture and pour would do just the same job, with the advantage that most customers would know what they are ordering.
We have launched a
campaign to cut out this sort of bullshit, and we invite you to submit
examples of pretentious descriptions of food you have found. It’s
usually on menus, but it can be found elsewhere … even drink doesn’t escape
this sort of crap. We found the f
ollowing in a leaflet enclosed with a
bottle of malt whisky:
“Nose: exceptional balance and depth … a beguiling mix of toffee and chocolate sweetness, cinnamon spice and medicinal phenols. Fresh citrus and floral notes of white wine are evident, as are melon, pear drops, general creaminess, fresh phenolic aroma of seaspray (iodine) and smoked fish. Hickory and coffee emerge later as the most volatile top notes fade.
"Taste: An initial moderate and clean sweetness is rapidly followed by a mouthful of deep peat notes, with tobacco smoke and strong espresso coffee, which then gives way to treacle sweetness and liquorice.”
See what we mean? What a waste of good whisky letting that prat drink it - whoever wrote that should be horse-whipped.
So come on folks, join the great crusade against pretentious descriptions of food and drink.
(We are having bother with emails at the moment, so our email address is temporarily out of bounds. Watch this space.)
MENU ITEM TRANSLATION
|
Rump of lamb roasted on to a goat’s cheese and apricot mash with a garlic and thyme jus |
Roast lamb, cheese-flavoured fruit and herb gravy |
|
A traditional melange of cured pork with a blend of herbes de jardin, caressed by a delicate aspic and encased in a l'eau d'hote pastry. Served in a plunge of potage de tomate |
Pie floater (we made this one up) |
|
Grilled goat’s cheese served on a walnut croute with gooseberry chutney |
Veggie muck ... cheese, nuts, sweet sauce
|
|
Fillet of pork rolled in Cajun spices, pan-fried on to a spiced cous cous with coconut cream. |
Fried spicy pork, mushy wheat and awful sauce |
|
A platter of roasted vegetables centred around a goat’s cheese and beef tomato mille feuille, sprinkled with a parmesan crumb and drizzled with a basil and garlic dressing. |
Repulsive veggie muck
|
|
Mixed seafood and wild mushroom cassoulet, cooked in a rich butter sauce and topped with crispy cabbage |
Fish pie |
|
Tournedos of Scottish fillet steak with fondant potato, glazed button onion, wild mushrooms and red wine and shallot sauce |
Steak, mash, one onion, mushrooms, onion gravy |
|
Ballantine of quail breast with chicken and wild mushroom mousseline wrapped in spinach and cured ham with red wine sauce |
Bird stew. But doesn’t the sauce make the mousseline go soggy? |
|
Breast of quail with a farce of foie gras and mushrooms on a shallot roesti |
Farce by name … |
|
Noisette of local venison on sweet potato confit with celeriac puree |
Road-kill deer and mash |
|
Julienne of leeks |
Leeks |
|
Medallion of tuna |
Tuna steak, cut up small |
|
Galette of celeriac |
Vegetables you’ve never had before |
| Orkney Salmon Rolls followed by Cannon of Lamb - prime fillet of lamb on a pillow of mash with a port demi-glass, garnished with a mint a redcurrant tartlet, drizzled with balsamic vinegar. Three mini cheesecakes. | Lamb, mash, gravy, mint/vinegar sauce, and cheesecakes (!) |
| Pinache of citrus fruits spiked with Malibu followed by leek and gruyere puff pastry Wellington crown. | Our veggie friends know how to live, don't they? |
