Jokes
Be careful Sandra!
Sandra was driving down the A38 yesterday when her mobile phone vibrates.
See read the text from Steve 'I've just heard a traffic report, there
some idiot driving the wrong way down the A38', be careful."
Sandra text back, 'It's not just one, there's hundreds of them'
BAD NEWS
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after
he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have
some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found
your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the
good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she
had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on
her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great
news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going
to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Cokey"
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in -- and then the
trouble started.
COMRADE RUDOLPH
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other
night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining,"
he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."Well, as these things
go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining
or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask
Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph,
is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course,"
he answered and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear!"
Which Room
This was found on the deaf joke of the month web page, and they claim
it came from a Swedish deaf discussion group.
A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into
their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night,
the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin.
But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still
in the car.
Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him
to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on
his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin
in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room
when he realises something: he can't remember which room was his!
He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and
honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the
motel's windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes
for the room with that window.
THE MAFIA
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the
heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf-mute person for this
job because if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate
to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up over $40,000 and
got greedy and decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place.
The mafia soon realized that their collection was late and sent some
of their gangsters after the deaf collector. When the gangsters found
the deaf collector and asked him where the money was, the deaf collector
couldn't communicate with them. So the mafia guys took the guy to a
sign language interpreter.
The mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money
is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about".
The gangster pulled out a gun and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector.
"NOW, ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signed back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central
Park."
The interpreter's eyes lit up and said to the gangster, "He says
he still doesn't know what you're talking about and he doesn't think
you have the guts to pull the trigger."