Employee Recruitment
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the 
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for 
ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a 
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, 
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what 
they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in 
Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. 
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to 
Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. 
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to 
Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to 
Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales. 
_______________________________________________________________ 
Company Policy Changes...
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for employees, we are 
forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early 
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent 
our future plans and are paid less.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current 
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately.
The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). 
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look 
for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being
R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before 
actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called 
S.C.R.E.W.  (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an 
appeal with upper management.  This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by 
Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new 
policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but 
may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate. If 
any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to 
get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early 
Severance).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan.  Any employee who has 
received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or  S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by 
the
company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well 
trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.The 
company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We 
have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this
area.  If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. 
on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is 
especially
trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.