> 
> God would like to thank you for your belief
> and patronage. In order to better serve your
> needs, He asks that you take a few moments
> to answer the following questions.
> 
> Please keep in mind that your responses will
> be kept completely confidential, and that you
> need not disclose your name or address unless
> you prefer a direct response to comments or
> suggestions.
> 
> 1. How did you find out about your deity?
> __ Newspaper
> __ Bible
> __ Torah
> __ Television
> __ Book of Mormon
> __ Divine Inspiration
> __ Dead Sea Scrolls
> __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
> __ Near Death Experience
> __ Near Life Experience
> __ National Public Radio
> __ Tabloid
> __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Other (specify): _____________
> 
> 2. Which model deity did you acquire?
> __ Yahweh
> __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
> __ Jehovah
> __ Jesus
> __ Krishna
> __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
> __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
> __ Allah
> __ Satan
> __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
> __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
> __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
> __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
> 
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
> parts in good working order and with no obvious
> breakage or missing attributes?
> 
> __ Yes __ No
> 
> If no, please describe the problems you initially
> encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
> 
> __ Not eternal
> __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit
> the entire cosmos
> __ Not omniscient
> __ Not omnipotent
> __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being
> all things to all creations)
> __ Permits sex outside of marriage
> __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
> __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
> __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
> __ Looks after life other than that on Earth
> (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews)
> __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
> __ Requires burnt offerings
> __ Requires virgin sacrifices
> 
> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
> acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
> __ Indoctrinated by parents
> __ Needed a reason to live
> __ Indoctrinated by society
> __ Needed focus in whom to despise
> __ Imaginary friend grew up
> __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
> __ Hate to think for myself
> __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
> __ Fear of death
> __ Wanted to piss off parents
> __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
> __ Needed a day away from work
> __ Desperate need for certainty
> __ Like Organ Music
> __ Need to feel Morally Superior
> __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
> __ Shit was falling out of the sky
> __ My shrubbery caught fire and
> told me to do it.
> 
> 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?
> If so, which false god were you fooled by?
> Please check all that apply.
> __ Mick Jagger
> __ Cthulhu
> __ Baal
> __ The Almighty Dollar
> __ Bill Gates
> __ Left Wing Liberalism
> __ The Radical Right
> __ Ra
> __ Beelzebub
> __ Barney T.B.P.D.
> __ The Great Spirit
> __ The Great Pumpkin
> __ The Sun
> __ Elvis
> __ Cindy Crawford
> __ The Moon
> __ A burning shrubbery
> __ Other: ________________
> 
> 6. Are you currently using any other source of
> inspiration in addition to God?
> Please check all that apply.
> __ Tarot
> __ Lottery
> __ Astrology
> __ Television
> __ Fortune cookies
> __ Ann Landers
> __ Psychic Friends Network
> __ Dianetics
> __ Palmistry
> __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> __ Self-help books
> __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
> __ Biorhythms
> __ Alcohol
> __ Bill Clinton
> __ Tea Leaves
> __ EST
> __ CompuServe
> __ Mantras
> __ Jimmy Swaggert
> __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
> __ Human Sacrifice
> __ Pyramids
> __ Wandering around a desert
> __ Insurance policies
> __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Barney T.B.P.D.
> __ Barney Fife
> __ Other:_____________________
> __ None
> 
> 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine
> Intervention to preserve the balanced
> level of felt presence and blind faith.
> Which would you prefer (circle one)?
> a. More Divine Intervention
> b. Less Divine Intervention
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
> d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
> 
> 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level
> of disasters and miracles.
> Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
> following (1=3 unsatisfactory, 5=3 excellent):
> a. Disasters:
> flood 1 2 3 4 5
> famine 1 2 3 4 5
> earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
> war 1 2 3 4 5
> pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
> plague 1 2 3 4 5
> SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
> AOL 1 2 3 4 5
> 
> b. Miracles:
> rescues 1 2 3 4 5
> spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
> stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
> crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
> water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
> walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
> VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
> Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
> getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
> 
> 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
> improving the quality of God's services? (Attach
> an additional sheet if necessary):
> 
> If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return
> it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by
> July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of
> Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately
> one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings
> entered).
>