--------------------------------------------------------------------
 Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz.
 But not one of those flying things like they use at LeMans.
 I'd drive like Schumacher
 And crash on the bends
 So Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz
 --------------------------------------------------------------------





Here' some advice from children

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, 16

Never tell your mum her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment.
Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi,15

Markers are not good as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10








Ben & Jerry's new Israeli ice cream flavors

      Wailing Walnut
      Moishmallow
      Mazel Toffee
      Lehitra Oats
      Rashi Road
      Chazalnut
      Olive Hashalom
      Oy Ge-malt
      Cherry Bim
      Cherry Bum
      Bubble G'mora
      Mi Ka-mocha
      Lemontashens
      Soda & Gomorra
      Manishta Nut
      Balak Berry
      Lubavicher Resberry
      Abba Ebanana
      Bernard Malamint
      Cashew Le'Pesach
      Chuppapaya
      Butter Shkotz
      O-lime Habah
      Berry Pr'i Hagafen
      Choc-Eilat Chip
      Simchas T'Oreo
    
      (All flavors come in a Cohen)





MENTAL HEALTH

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press
no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 999696696969969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social insurance number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
   
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you.







Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?






While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom.

"What's that big brass gong for?", one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "F off will
ya, it's 2 am!"