> Some humour to lighten your day........
> 
> 
Some old but some new

>  
> If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the
> other chin.
> 
> Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
> on the outside?
> A. K9P.
> 
> Q. What's the definition of macho?
> A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> 
> Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
> A. Beat IT - we're closed.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How do you catch a bra?
> Set a boobie trap.
> 
> 
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> 
> "Irish Prayer"
> 
> Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back
> pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his
> feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please
> Lord", he implored, "let it be blood!!"
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> 
> It's St. Patty's Day!!!
> 
> The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
> beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The
> Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet
> you a tenner that I can make every English person in the
> crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
> 
> The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
> 
> The Queen says, "Watch this".
> 
> So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the
> crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on
> sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
> 
> So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going
> to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
> 
> So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to
> her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in
> the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the
> 
> week, with just one nod of my head."
> 
> The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
> 
> So the Pope head butts her.
> 
> --------------------------------------------
> 
> In honour of St. Patrick's Day
> -----------------------------
> 
> Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a
> dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging
> through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled
> across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
> appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement
> of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular
> genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
> wish, not the standard three.
> 
> Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted
> out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped
> his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
> entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by
> mortals.
> 
> Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping
> of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered
> their circumstances.
> 
> One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been
> granted.  After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
> "Nice going idiot!  Now we're going to have to piss in the
> boat."
> 
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
> A. Because it's worth it.
> 
> 
> 
> A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
> problem  with silent gas emissions, but it really doesn't bother me
> too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of
> fact, I've done it at least 20 times since I've been here in your
> office. You didn't know I was because they don't smell and are
> silent."
> 
> The doctor says,  "I see,  take these pills and come back to see me
> next week.
> 
> The next week the  lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
> what you gave me doctor, but my emissions are now silent and stinky."
> 
> The doctor says,  "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
> let's work on your hearing
> 
> 
> 
> A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
> doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is
> planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the
> skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the
> woman wanted "The Knob."
> Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems.
> 
> "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
> the
> knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
> developed
> two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my
> eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
> 
> The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
> breasts."
> 
> She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Subject: The blonde and the Sailor > > >
> A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
> life by throwing herself into the ocean.  She went down to the docks and
> was
> about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
> tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
> 
> He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
> I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
> my
> ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."  Moving
> closer,he slipped his arm 'round the blonde's shoulder and added,  "I'll
> keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
> 
> The blonde nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
> 
> That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
> From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
> fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
> 
> Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
> the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
> 
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde
> explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
> 
> "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island
> Ferry."
> 
> 
> 
> BEST PATIENTS
> 
> Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
> 
> The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
> table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
> 
> The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
> inside  them is colour coded."
> 
> The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> everything  inside them is in alphabetical order."
> 
> The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
> workers...those guys    always understand when you have a few parts left
> over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
> 
> But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
> wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
> heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
> 
> Subject: Millionaire
> 
> 
> Who wants to be a millionaire taken a little too far...
> 
> 
> Husband:  Do you want to make love to me tonight?
> Wife:          No!
> Husband:  Is this your final answer?
> Wife:          Yes, this is my final answer.
> Husband:  OK then, I'd like to phone-a-friend...