> > > > > "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.
> "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob.
> Is Mammy near the phone?"
> "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
> After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
> honey!"
> "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!"
> Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
> upstairs
> and
> knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and uncle Frank
> that my car's just pulled up outside the house.
> " Okay, Daddy!"
> A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
> "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
> "And what happened?"
> "Well, Mammy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
> screaming,
> then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now
> she's
> all dead."
> "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"
> "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
> he
> jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
> forgot
> that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
> bottom
> of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
> There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this
> 8547039?"


> The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
>
> Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
>
> James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
>
> Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
>
> The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets
> the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.  On entering the
toilet
> he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
several
> beers get the better of the builder . . .
>
> Chris: - 'scuse me . . . . no offence meant, but me and me mate were
> wondering what you do for a living?
>
> Suit: - No offence taken!  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
>
> Chris: - Oh!  What's that then?
>
> Suit: - I'll try to explain by example . . .  Do you have a goldfish
at
> home?
>
> Chris: - Er  mmm  well yeah, I do as it happens!
>
> Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a
> pond.  Which is it?
>
> Chris: - It's in a pond!
>
> Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden
> then?
>
> Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
>
> Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a
> large garden then you have a large house?
>
> Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
>
> Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to
> assume that you haven't built
> it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
>
> Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children!
>
> Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
> with your wife on a regular basis?
>
> Chris:- Yep!  Four nights a week!
>
> Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very
> often?
>
> Chris: - Me?  Never!
>
> Suit: - Well there you are!  That's logical science at work!
>
> Chris: - How's that then?
>
> Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about
> the size of garden you have,
> the size of house, your family and your sex life!
>
> Chris: - I see!  That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
>
> Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
>
> James: - I see the suit was in there.  Did you ask him what he does?
>
> Chris: - Yep!  He's a logical scientist!
>
> James: - What's that then?
>
> Chris: - I'll try and explain.  Do you have a goldfish?
>
> James: - Nope
>
> Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker.


Some examples of proof that the human race has probably evolved as far
as it
is going to go. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On document storage box:
Warning! May become heavy when filled.


There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping
the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few
when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its
disgusting to watch".  He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with
you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this
train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the
window and eating the prawns.  Finally he finishes the bag and settles
back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can
hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the
needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could
you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep". "It's got
nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll
do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the
window. The woman gets up and pulls the communication cord. The man says
"Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" The woman replies "And
you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers !"


THINGS PEOPLE SAY
>
> "The band never actually split up-we just stopped speaking to each
other >
and went our own separate ways."
> Boy George, Radio 2
>
> "Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in >
formaldehyde."
> Fashion Commentator, Radio 4
>
> "Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and >
skilful.  And best of all it keeps them off the street."
> Radio 1 Newsbeat
>
> "Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on
decommissioning?"
> Interviewer, UTV
>
> "It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil." >
Greg
Phillips, Portsmouth News
>
> "...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr >
Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..."
> Radio 4 News
>
> "Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..." >
Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister
>
> "And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which
> should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than
his
> teammate Nakano"
> Murray Walker, ITV
>
> "A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
> David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC >
> "I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward" > Geoff
Boycott,
Radio 5 Live
>
> "It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World
War
> 2"
> ITN
>
> "There are the boys, their balls between their legs" > Amanda
Redington,
GMTV
>
> "Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron,
in
> search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks in
> Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there" > CNN News
>
> "Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?" > Radio 4
>
> "Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him" >
Commentator
at Spar Athletics
>
> "Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers,
>
white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat"
> Renton Laidlaw
>
> "The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's
no >
advantage"
> Barry Sheene
>
> "Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away" >
Gymnastics commentator, BBC1
>
> "Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give
him
> one really hard"
> Ron Atkinson
>
> "Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" > Brian Moore
>
> "I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
>
Ian St John
>
> "Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" > Terry Venables
>
> "The Croatians don't play well without the ball" > Barry Venison
>
> "Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" > Kevin Keegan
>
> "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose" > Kevin
Keegan
>
> "I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except
that
> it's completely different"
> Kevin Keegan
>
> "Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind" > Ron
Atkinson
>
> "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it : you can see it
all >
over their faces"
> Ron Atkinson
>
> "They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot
to >
carry on their shoulders"
> Ron Atkinson
>
> "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw" > Ron Atkinson
>
> "The swimmers are swimming out of their socks." > Sharron Davies, BBC
>
> "In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse." > Stephen
Roche,
Eurosport
>
> "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right
> sock."
> Barry Venison, ITV
>
> "In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed." >
L!ve TV
>
> "Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." > Ian
Wright,
ITV
>
> "If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all
over
> you."
> Sam Torrance, BBC2
>
> "It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of
its
> past."
> David Duffy, Eurosport
>
> "And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two
>
thirds of them."
> Sean Rafferty, Radio 3
>
> "Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" > Ian St John
>
> "They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to
nil --
> or even less."
> Nasser Hussain, Channel 5
>
> "So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us
what >
it's about."
> George Gavin, Sky Sports




> A man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a pair of
clingfilm
> underpants.
> The doctor looks him up and down and says: "Well, I can clearly see
you're
> nuts."
>