Anyone you know?

>
>
> > Bullshitter (3 month contract)
> > Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years
> experience of
> > doing
> > jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix
> > environment.
> > Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level,
> and waffle in a
> > technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE
> > (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.
> >
> > Liar (6 month contract)
> > You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile
> company. You must be
> > able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably
> from Oxford or
> > Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive)
> > does not actually exist. You will also be required to make
> up stories or
> > explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will
> be considered
> > favourably. Ties and/or certificates are provided to add
> > convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's statements.
> >
> > Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
> > Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
> > (1) stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatee beard
> > (2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
> > (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
> > (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
> >
> > The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent.
> Unix experience
> > not
> > essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.
> >
> > Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
> > Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out
> at least six
> > pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a
> > minimum
> > of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
> > involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind
> could possibly
> > fit
> > into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or
> eating. The
> > successful applicant will have no real skills in any
> category whatsoever,
> > but candidates will be considered providing they do not
> know anything
> > about C++ programming or Project Management.
> >
> > Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendible to
> 6 months)
> > Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must
> demonstrate their
> > ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The
> successful candidate
> > will be asked to break something during the interview,
> > preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have
> thought possible
> > or remotely likely.
> >
> > Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
> > Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in
> customer support
> > and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills
> which can be
> > used
> > to show why the interviewers were right to employ
> > you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding
> arse-covering.
> > You will work with a close-knit team of temporary
> contractors and will
> > travel from project to project tasked with the job of
> tidying up the loose
> > ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.
> >
> > Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
> > Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the
> Far-East of
> > Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six
> months coffee
> > machine, three months photocopying and general administration
> > and a minimum of one year "between assignments".
> >
> > Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
> > Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and
> hatstand is provided
> > for suitable applicants.
> >
> > Also
> > Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses
> sought to assist
> > busy,
> > interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or
> > dyslexia will be advantageous.
> >
> > Noxious beancounter required.
> > Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
> > numbers
> > and other pointless documentation. numeracy/Literacy not a
> requirement,
> > but
> > an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath and
> BO advantageous.
> > Contract is for an initial three months and may be extended
> indefinitely.
> >
> > SDM, CPL, RMM?
> > Yes, if you are skilled in constructing/interpreting TLAs our client
> > wishes
> > to talk to you. Six month rolling contract with this
> prestigious network
> > specialist.
> >
>