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Hacks in the Pub


Max Wolfe Sunday, 24 February 2002

*
Scene 2 Pub Policy Discussion 12 midday
Gordon............What time is it?
Melanie............Twelve
Gordon.............Bloody hell I'm late
Melanie............Why? where are you going?
Gordon............No. I mean I'm late getting here..
.........................Stop messing about and get the drinks in will you.

(Melanie looks for somewhere to sit but all the bar stools are all taken.
She grabs a stool from under a stranger who is sitting with his back to her,
he nearly falls to the floor.)

Melanie..........(sweetly) Thankyou.
Gordon..........(Picks up pint) Now, what are we for and what are we against.
Anthony..........Blair's, done quite a good job so I suppose we support.....
Gordon ...........No, we're against.
........................Not because he's a bad PM, just because there are more stories to be got out of the negative.
........................For instance; Tony is a brilliant PM. One story.
........................Tony is a rubbish PM. Ten stories.

Julian..............(confused) Sorry I didn't quite follow that
Gordon.............Tony is a rubbish PM. Ten stories.
..........................His cabinet don't support him, the unions are seething with discontent, the public think he a snob,
..........................the teachers are revolting, the public servants oppose modernisation, the NHS is in chaos.
..........................See, negativism works.
Julian...............I'm getting the drift
Melanie............I'm off. (grabs Jake aggressively by the arm and drags him off).
Gordon.............Now try this. This paper supports the US in its war against terror. One story.
..........................But negatively; The US is waging an unjust war, the Europeans hate the US, It's a war against Islam,
...........................Tony's cabinet won't back Bush, Amnesty International complain about the US.
...........................See, it goes on and on. The Red Cross criticises the US, bombs hit Afghani civilians,
...........................Cuban detainees are not POW's, the US tortures Al Qaeda suspects,........ no better scrap that one.

*

Geoff ......................We need another story, something that will run for a few weeks.
Gordon.....................Let's bring down a cabinet minister.
Julian........................Who shall it be?
Anthony....................Mandelson.
Geoff........................We've already done Mandelson.
Kate.......................... How about Mo Mowlan.
Geoff ........................We've already done Mo Mowlan. (Pause).
Kate...........................How about Byers.
Geoff.........................No, he was last week.
Julian.........................(Pause.) I know.! Gordon Brown.

(sighs all round)







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