It was curtains for the drama department
'Cause nobody wanted to play
the science department had mixed a concoction
And blown the technicians away

The maths department had added things up
And figured this was a mistake
Whilst the physics department had sprung all their springs
And caused the atom to break

The English department had taken up French
The librarian burned all the books
Mean while in hall four, the M.T.A.s
Were raving it up with the cooks

The computer technicians were tapping at keys
To see what would show on the screens
And the home ec' department got all tangled up
Whilst threading their sewing machines

The music department were making a din
With their instruments all out of tune
And the head of the languages department
Signed off by her nom-de-plume.

The woodwork department chipped through the lunch hour
Making a three-legged chair
The art department were busily painting
Without a worry or care

The biology department had gone on strike
And decided to race all the frogs
Whilst the motor mechanics had made wooden cars
After someone had lost all their cogs

The P.E. department were not keeping fit;
'Twas ballet they had on their mind
The geography department studied their maps
For an escape route they thought they might find

The history department teamed up with religion
To see how far back they could date
Whilst the manager of facilities
Was arranging a garden fete.

Now the domestic staff were all looking on
And agreed to clear up the mess
But the media students had noted all down
And decided to go to press.

I put some mince pies out for Santa
And I made him a nice pot of tea
I left him a list
Of the things he had missed
Last year when he visited me

I hope this year he'll take it easy
And not crash his sleigh on our roof
I've sprinkled some sand
Of a very coarse brand
To make it completely skid proof

So when he drops down through the chimney
And puts parcels under the tree
There'll be stars in his eyes
When he eats his mince pies
But I do hope he won't slurp his tea

Now when I awoke Christmas morning
And found lots of parcels for me
Santa'd left a note saying
The mince pies set him swaying
And he could not help slurping his tea

I went to open my oven
And the door came off in my hand
The dinner inside was only half cooked
So I propped the door on a stand

I managed to find a screwdriver
And fixed all the screws good and tight
I did such a good job on fixing the door
We didn't get dinner that night

The very next day was Christmas
So the oven door had to be fixed
The turkey and veg' were all ready
And the Christmas pudding was mixed

I managed to get everything sorted out
Regarding the oven door
The dinner cooked beautifully right on time
Then I dropped it all over the floor

The cats had a very fine dinner
'Twas more than their wildest dream
We settled for wine and some Christmas pud'
With an extra large dollop of cream

When Christmas comes
Our cards are sent
Cheers are exchanged
And money is spent

Booze is drunk
And merry is made
As Santas in hundreds
Go out on parade

Into the towns
To all different places
With a Ho! Ho! Ho!
And a smile on their faces

The college will close
As the long vac' commences
The teacher, relieved
Can relax from their tenses

Then comes the night
We've a waited all year
We'll switch on the TV
And poor out the beer

We'll hope in the morning
That Santa has been
To the tree in the lounge
That can clearly be seen

And before you have dinner
I'd just like to say
May peace be with you
On this Christmas day

But just now and then
A note will turn blue
And he'll get quite embarrassed
If you hear it too

He'll sing "Me, Me, Me"
To soften his throat
Then he'll stoop to the floor
To pick up his blue note

And then when he starts the
Church bells will ring
And we'll all gather round
To hear the Monk sing

He'll sing in a language
No one understands
And he'll look at the ceiling
Then raise both hands

He'll poor out his heart
In full vocal throttle
And I'll guarantee
He' not been at the bottle

He'll sing "Merry Christmas''
In a voice crystal clear
"Peace be with you
And a happy new year."

 

Granny's Christmas Tree

Granny has set up her Christmas tree
With lights, and flashing decor
But they jerked on and off
And granny did scoff”
This cannot be right I implore"

She stood looking up for a minute or two
At the baubles and star at the top
It was then she decided
The star was lopsided
When it suddenly fell with a plop

"By golly by gosh just look what has happened"
She said "now I'll just have to fix it"
Then said "Oh,well there!"
With a look of despair”
" I just knew that I shouldn't have mix it"

Well Granny looked round for some super glue
And some blu-tac she thought "might be handy"
"I'll stick it just here
With some glue at the rear
When finished, will be neat and dandy"

So now granny's tree is all fixed and good looking
The baubles and star are now working
And she thought "Ho hum ha"
And sang "Tra-Ia-Ia-Ia"
They're now flashing instead of just jerking

 

Just then my new carpet arrived
And my chimney? Well blow me just hush
For the cat in one leap
The chimney did sweep
With his tail puffed up like a brush

He eventually came down from the chimney
Leaving soot prints on sofa and chairs
I let out a scream
The stair carpet is cream
Don’t let him go racing upstairs

We caught him and washed off his paws
Then wrapped him up warm in a towel
Now he’s cosy and snug
Asleep on his rug
Not even a stir or a scowl

The carpet is laid and the chimney is clean
Soot prints have been washed away
Santa will call
Leaving presents for all
May peace be with you Christmas day

Granny’s Bike

Santa ran into the car park
He appeared to be in the run
“I’m going to borrow granny’s bike
Oh what a lot of fun”

“Will you please tell granny
I’m taking it for a spin
I didn’t have the time
As you can see the rush I’m in

I’ll take it round the block I think
And up towards the common
I’ll just go for a little ride
Not a very long’ne”

He took granny’s bike and off he sped
The wheels screeched round the bend
“Oh dear” said my poor granny
"Another clutch to mend"

Now when I asked my granny
“What do you think of this?”
“I really do not know” she said
“But something is a miss"

“I gave him permission I must admit
To borrow it when in need
If he gets in trouble with the Bill
I’ll be very cross indeed”

At half past four the bike was back
And Santa, how he grinned
“I know where he went” said granny
“To get his beard a’trimmed”

“We’re going to a party
His beard had grown too long
And there we must join in with him
And sing a Christmas song”

Have a very merry Christmas
And a happy new year too
Peace be with you always
God bless one and all of you