by Pepper aka Arnie
Category: General/Humour
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Colonel Jack O'Neill, (that handsome, dashing, US Airforce officer) sighed to himself as he walked down the corridor. He didn't need to ask Janet to know that Sam was going to be stuck in the Infirmary for quite a while to come.
He knew that the last mission had been rough, especially as Carter had ended up with a broken leg, broken collarbone, two black eyes ('Great impersonation of a panda there, Carter!'), a sprained wrist and a wrenched ankle... but how on earth she'd managed to become infected with the measles, the flu, shingles and bronchitis was beyond him.
He shook his head. After all the time he'd spent getting her housetrained (in a manner of speaking) and now he was going to be stuck with another scientist/officer for at least two months. 'Wonder if Maybourne had a hand in this?'
"Colonel, this is Major Connor." Hammond sat back in his chair and watched. He couldn't wait to see what O'Neill made of this one.
Jack's jaw almost dropped. The officer in question was beautiful... even that word didn't do her justice... she was stunning! Her Airforce uniform accentuated her figure in a way that Jack didn't even know was possible. He managed to keep his mouth shut (doing an impersonation of a goldfish in Hammond's office wasn't on his to do list), and shook Connor's hand with a modicum of composure.
"Sir!" Connor said, smiling. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard all about you and SG-1."
Her charming, winsome, lovely smile lit up the drab office and made Jack blink.
"Uh..." He managed to recover his wits slightly (well, the two he had left). "Nothing good, I'll bet," he said, grinning.
"On the contrary, Colonel. The reports I read were most complimentary."
"Oh." Jack felt a bit non-plussed. He had just made a joke then, hadn't he? "Well, let me show you around."
"Thank you, sir. General." Major Mary Lou Connor snapped a salute to Hammond and then followed Jack from the office.
"Ah, just the person! Daniel," Jack called having spotted the archaeologist making his way to the messhall for yet another infusion of caffeine.
"Jack?" Daniel hesitated. He hadn't had a cup of coffee in at least twenty minutes and the withdrawal symptoms were starting to show. He hopped from one foot to the other, politeness saying that he wait for Jack, while his need for caffeine insisted that he head for the messhall and stick his head in the urn as quickly as possible.
"Wait up! We'll grab some coffee and then give Major Connor the grand tour."
Daniel relaxed slightly. Okay, they were going for coffee. He could wait. He glanced at his watch. Had Jack always walked this slowly?
"Connor, this is Daniel Jackson. Daniel, this is Major Connor. She's taking Carter's place while she's stuck in the Infirmary."
"Oh, ah... hi." Daniel's need for coffee was increasing every second. His supreme caffeine addiction took second place then as the incredibly gorgeous woman walking towards him greeted him fluently in Goa'uld. "Huh?"
Jack sighed. For a guy with 23 languages at his disposal, sometimes Daniel could be remarkably short on words.
Daniel gaped at the woman for a second, then slowly responded. His face relaxed as she explained (reverting back to Jack's one and only language, thankfully) that she had a PhD in languages herself and had made a point of learning to speak Goa'uld once she'd heard she was being transferred to the SGC.
"You've got a PhD in languages," Jack echoed. "And er... how many languages do you speak?"
"Twenty seven," Connor replied matter of factly. "I've always had a thing for languages."
"Me too," said Daniel.
"Yes, Doctor Jackson, I know. I've read your file." Mary Lou smiled at the good looking archaeologist walking by her side.
"Oh, uh... yeah." Daniel frowned slightly. Had everyone read his file?
Just then they reached the messhall. Daniel headed straight for the coffee urn and lost no time in ordering his super-duper-extra-large-incredibly-strong coffee (with extra caffeine for that added kick). As an afterthought, he also grabbed some cookies. Jack frowned. Was it his imagination or was Daniel's coffee addiction getting out of hand? Of course, the thought had crossed his mind when he'd caught Daniel trying to smuggle a large coffee pot and 20 pounds of extra strong coffee beans through the wormhole on their last mission, but he'd put that down to Daniel being Daniel. Although, now he came to think of it, the last time they were under attack by the Goa'uld, Daniel had gone back to save his coffee pot from being captured and reported MIA. Jack shook his head. 'Nah, just imagining things.'
Major Connor ordered a herbal tea and turned to regard Daniel as he slipped cookie after cookie into various pockets. Her eyebrows rose when she saw the size of the coffee cup he was handed, and her eyes bulged slightly as he briskly stirred the coffee and threw away the partially dissolved spoon.
"You know, caffeine isn't good for you," she remarked, gazing into her own cup where the murky liquid of herbal tea awaited her.
Daniel paused, his whole body betraying his urge to defend his beloved caffeine.
Jack intervened quickly. "Ahh, we wouldn't know Daniel without his coffee fix." He grabbed his own standard size of non-plastic-spoon-dissolving-coffee and headed for the door. "C'mon, Major. We've got lots to see. Danny-boy, you coming?"
"Er... I've got some stuff to do. I'll catch up with you later." Danny hadn't actually planned to go back to his office but he didn't think he'd be able to enjoy his coffee with Major Tight-ass... 'I have been hanging around with Jack too long'... with Major Connor disapproving of every sip.
Jack grinned at him. "Have fun!"
"Well, Major, this is the 'gate room..." Jack indicated the vast Stargate which dominated the room, "and this..."
"Is the Stargate itself," Connor interrupted him. She'd been mostly silent all the way around the SGC, (like any good showman, Jack had kept the best until last). Now her silence was broken, as she moved forward to touch the huge ring which had dominated her ambitions for so long.
Jack listened to her murmuring, but once he realised that she was raving on about the 'gate, its structure, its abilities etc, he sort of switched off. Vaguely, he thought that she sounded a lot like Sam... except that Sam managed to be a lot more interesting. He watched a fly as it buzzed around, the noise of its wings mingling with the woman's voice until he wasn't quite sure which sound he was actually hearing.
Major Connor realised that Jack had ceased to listen to her, in fact, he seemed to be rather absorbed in the bluebottle which was flitting from place to place. 'Maybe he has an interest in insects.'
She went to stand next to him and cleared her throat. "So, Colonel..."
"Huh?" O'Neill's attention snapped back to the gorgeous beauty at his side. "Oh, sorry, Major. Thinking."
Mary Lou smiled slightly. She wasn't used to losing men's attention and for a second it annoyed her. She shrugged off the feeling and got back to the matter in hand. "Colonel, you've known Dr. Jackson for quite a while."
"Oh yeah, ever since that first mission to Abydos," Jack said absently, allowing his attention to wander again.
"Has he always been so addicted to caffeine?"
"Huh?" Now she had his attention in full. "Addicted? I'd hardly use that word to describe it. Mesmerised, maybe... fascinated..."
"Hmm." Mary Lou cocked her head slightly. "It's often a fact that friends find it hard to acknowledge when someone is addicted."
"Excuse me?" Jack didn't care how beautiful or totally over-qualified this woman was, he was going to put her straight on something. "Dr. Daniel Jackson drinks coffee... he doesn't take pot or heroin - hell, he doesn't even smoke!"
"Well, sir, caffeine is an addiction, even if it is a socially acceptable one."
Jack looked at her with disbelief. She was calling Danny an addict?
The technicians were watching with avid interest. They'd all noticed Major Connor come into the 'gate room, (most of them had been watching her ever since), but this promised to be even more interesting; several of them having experienced Jack's protective streak where Daniel was concerned.
"In fact, sir, maybe it would be helpful if you encouraged him to switch to herbal teas. The nutrients contained with herbal teas can be very beneficial. I've heard that Dr. Jackson is rather prone to being... shall we say... accident prone?" she said, patronisingly. "And he might find that herbal teas could help him."
Jack gazed at the pompous woman with a hint of annoyance in his eyes. "I doubt if it would help him withstand a blast from a staff weapon though. Or being zapped into invisibility by a crystal skull."
She made a noise that he assumed was her version of laughter. "Of course not, sir, but it might help him avoid such things."
Jack sighed. Why him? He decided to point out a few things, as calmly as he could. "I doubt it. The first time he got hit by a staff weapon he was saving my life, the second time he was in an alternate reality and the third time he was on a Goa'uld mothership. As for the crystal skull incident, well, Daniel likes to examine things. Now look, Major, I don't care that you've chosen to see caffeine as a vice, but you will keep your personal opinions to yourself, especially around Dr. Jackson. Is that understood?"
"Well, sir, I was just..."
"No, you were not." Jack was getting more annoyed by the second.
Major Connor smiled slightly, moistened her lips and tried again. "All I was saying..."
"Well, don't." Jack cut her off.
"Very well, sir." Connor remained silent hoping that she'd managed to make the colonel think about his pet archaeologist and his caffeine addiction.
After leaving Connor, Jack headed over to see Daniel. He was pleased to see that the bucket sized coffee cup was still full... until he noticed the steam rising from it.
"Get yourself more coffee?" he asked casually.
Daniel took a huge gulp of the said coffee before answering. "Yeah." He glanced briefly at Jack before continuing to scribble down his translation of the ever so fascinating (and slightly weird) artifact SG-7 had brought back from PX9-521.
"Hmm." Jack wandered around the room. Had Danny's coffee intake got out of hand? Casually, he glanced in the waste bin. It was full of crushed bucket sized styrofoam cups and candy wrappers.
Daniel noticed Jack's glance and followed it down to the bin. "What?" he demanded.
"Nothin'." Jack scrunched up his face slightly and gazed around the room. "You er...you do eat sometimes, don't you, Daniel?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
"Yeah, course I do." Daniel took another gulp of the coffee, his hand grabbing another cookie on its way back from the cup.
Jack grabbed his wrist before the cookie reached his mouth. "It's almost lunchtime, you'll spoil your meal." 'Oh my God, I've turned into my mother!'
Daniel looked up at Jack in confusion. "What's up with you?" He twisted his arm to try to free it, but didn't get it back until Jack had taken the cookie from him.
"Nothin', I just.... Let's go eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"You were eating cookies."
"Well, I'm not that hungry," Daniel explained.
"You will be by the time we get there," Jack countered, grabbing Daniel's arm and hauling him to his feet. "C'mon."
Making a slight detour to pass Teal'c's room, Jack banged on the door. "Teal'c! Come an' eat."
Teal'c appeared in the doorway. "I am not yet hungry, O'Neill," he answered.
"Well, come and sit with us while we eat... an' we'll sit with you while you eat."
Teal'c considered this. "Is there some reason why..."
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Teal'c. Just come sit with us." Jack could tell from the position of Teal'c's eyebrow that he considered this to be an odd request, but he shut his door and accompanied the pair to the messhall without further comment. Jack did have a reason for Teal'c coming along, but he couldn't tell Teal'c that if Daniel decided to leave without having a proper meal, he figured that the Jaffa would come in handy in helping him persuade Danny otherwise. By force if need be.
Connor smiled as she saw her team mates gathered around a table. Her eagle eyes spotted Daniel's coffee cup. She was surprised to see that he had made a fairly healthy choice for lunch, from the way he'd been squirrelling away those cookies, she'd thought he must live on them. Gracefully, she made her way over to the table, another cup of herbal tea in her hand.
"Colonel."
Jack looked up. "Major, please join us." He waited until she was seated, then continued, "You've met Daniel," 'and his coffee cup', he added mentally, "and this is Teal'c."
Teal'c inclined his head in greeting. Connor smiled charmingly at the large man sitting in front of her, her eyes flicking to Daniel who was hunched in a protective pose over his coffee.
Jack noticed her glance and, excusing himself, he got up and made his way over to the commissary table. A few quiet questions got him the answers he wanted. Yes, Dr. Jackson always had the largest size cup available, and the strongest coffee available, and yes, that was several times a day. Collecting a bottle of mineral water, Jack returned to his team and took his seat. He was not surprised to find the three of them mostly silent. But Teal'c didn't usually have much to say and Daniel was obviously still feeling miffed over the attack on his beloved coffee (Jack briefly wondered what Daniel would have said if he'd heard her later comments) while Connor seemed to be analyzing the pair of them.
Feeling beholden, after all, he was team leader, Jack started the ball rolling. "So, Major, you've got a PhD in languages."
"Yes, sir," Connor smirked slightly. "Also one in atrophysics and archaeology."
"You must have been very busy in university," Daniel commented.
"Well, Dr. Jackson, some of us thrive on hard work." Her eyes flicked from his face to the coffee cup and back again. For a second Jack thought she was going to follow through with another comment about caffeine but she didn't need to: from the look on Daniel's face, he'd got the gist of it.
Teal'c frowned. He could feel the hostility emanating from SG-1's resident archaeologist. It puzzled him. He had always found Daniel Jackson to be a most unagressive man, unless forced to be otherwise. Teal'c glanced around, perhaps Apophis had made his way into the room without being noticed.
"Astrophysics and archaeology," Jack commented, jokingly. "Working your way through the 'A's?"
Connor looked at him blank faced. "Languages begins with an 'L'.
Jack sat back slightly. Okay, it wasn't one of his best, but... Never mind. He shrugged the incident off. "Okay, kids, we've got a briefing at 1400 hours. Don't be late." He rose to his feet, noticing that Daniel was no less eager to escape from the table. It was going to be a long, long time before Carter was back.
"Doc? How's she doin'?" Jack kept his voice low in case Carter was asleep.
"She'll be fine," Janet responded. "She was in a lot of pain so I gave her something to help her sleep." She turned and looked at Jack who was hovering behind her. "Anything else?"
"Um... yeah." Jack hesitated.
Janet replaced Sam's chart then led the way into her office. "Okay, what's up?"
Jack fidgeted. He hated this, it was just.... If Daniel found out he'd throw a fit. Finally, he decided to just say it and see what happened. "Do you think Daniel's addicted to coffee?"
"Yes."
Jack waited for a few seconds. "Well?" he demanded when it became apparent that Janet wasn't going to say anything more.
"There's nothing I can do about it. I can't pull him off active duty because he drinks a lot of coffee, all I can do is try and persuade him to switch to decaf... and yes, Colonel, I've tried."
Jack ran his hand through his hair. "That's it?"
"I'm afraid so. Unless Dr. Jackson chooses to stop drinking full strength coffee... and eating candy bars... there's nothing we can do about it. The military regulations don't cover this one."
"Okay. Thanks, Doc."
Jack left the Infirmary. 'There must be something...' He wandered around for a while and then found himself outside the messhall doors. Slowly he grinned. There was something he could do. Ten minutes of fast talking later, Jack left with a smile on his face.
Hammond started the briefing as usual, but it wasn't long before Major Connor took over. As she was as qualified as Sam, and as qualified as Daniel, it meant she was able to bounce ideas off herself without needing to listen to anyone.
Basically, the UAV had picked up signs of habitation but no sign of the Goa'uld. It was to be just another standard first contact mission.
Jack felt almost dizzy by the time he, with the rest of his team, were waiting for the wormhole to engage. Connor talked more than anyone he knew. Glancing at the normally talkative (but now silent) archaeologist by his side, Jack amended that to 'any two people he knew'.
The wormhole opened and Jack led the way through, closely followed by Connor. Daniel hesitated before stepping through the 'gate. He didn't think he'd be able to listen to Connor for much longer. A thought suddenly occurred. 'Do I talk that much?' It would explain why Jack frequently got a glazed look on his face while listening to him expound yet another way out, wacky, totally improbable (and usually true) theory.
Daniel made a mental note to not talk as much.
Teal'c stopped beside Daniel. "Are you well, Daniel Jackson?" he enquired, concerned as to why Daniel seemed to be reluctant to go.
Daniel glanced up, startled. "Hmm? Oh yeah." He stepped into the wormhole and one wild ride later was standing beside Jack gazing out at the view.
"You stop on the way to buy postcards?" Jack asked, still scanning the area for any signs of danger.
"Uh... no." Daniel shrugged at Jack's questioning look. "It's nothing."
"You okay?"
"Uh huh."
Jack accepted Daniel's reassurance without comment, for the moment. "Okay, kids, let's move out."
They headed down the field, heading across to where some buildings could be seen. Jack, being in the lead, was the first to reach the outskirts of the tiny village. He was also the first to be spotted by a small child.
Jack liked kids, he always got on well with them, so he opened his mouth to say hi and was surprised, and startled, when the child leapt to her feet and fled up the village shrieking loudly.
"Friendly kids," he murmured.
"Perhaps they are unused to visitors," Teal'c offered.
"Or perhaps they think we're Goa'uld," Connor suggested, looking pointedly at Teal'c's tattoo.
Teal'c frowned slightly. He did not like this woman. He did not like the effect she had upon his team mates, well, except for Major Carter who was asleep in the Infirmary. His thoughts upon how soon Major Carter could rejoin SG-1 were interrupted by the return of the child, accompanied by the entire village. All of whom were armed with technologically advanced weapons.
"Heads up," murmured Jack. "Daniel..."
Heeding Jack's unspoken command, Daniel stepped forward to attempt to greet these people, but was stopped by Major Connor.
"We come in peace," she announced, in English, then French, then German.
Jack's head snapped around and he stared at her as she proceeded to make the same announcement in various languages. Jack knew that if he didn't stop her, they'd get to hear all twenty seven of the languages at her disposal. And he thought Daniel talked too much? 'I'll never complain again!'
"Major?"
She continued, totally ignoring him.
"Major Connor?"
She gave no sign that she'd heard.
"Can it, Major!" Jack snapped.
She stopped and stared at her commanding officer, outraged.
One of the villages stepped forward and looked at Jack, his eyes lingering on the weapon Jack held. "Thank you," he said quietly, in English.
Jack was puzzled. "For...?"
"For stopping her. Another word, and I would have had to vaporize her," the man declared.
"A custom of yours?" Daniel enquired.
"No. She was driving me nuts."
The major's shocked gasp was clearly heard. Jack grinned widely at the man. Daniel gave a strangled snort and turned away to hide his laughter, his shoulders shaking, while even Teal'c had a smirk on his face.
"I am Norjil," the man announced. "This is my village. You are most welcome." He held out his hand and shook Jack's firmly.
"Colonel Jack O'Neill." Jack turned and indicated the others. "This is Major Mary Lou Connor, Dr. Daniel Jackson and Teal'c."
"Ah." Norjil moved over and stood in front of Teal'c, his eyes fixed on the gold tattoo that gleamed in the sunlight. "You are Jaffa."
"I am."
"You serve Apophis."
"Uh, Teal'c betrayed Apophis to come and fight with us," Jack interrupted.
Norjil grasped Teal'c's arm with one hand. "Then he is welcome here. Come, we will eat."
Mary Lou sat at the table, her back rigid. Drive him nuts? What kind of a Neanderthal was he? And the colonel, being friendly with such a man!
'No discipline, that's what the problem is.'
There was Daniel, filled to the gills with non-decaffeinated coffee, and Colonel O'Neill was totally unable to see that Daniel had a problem. All he saw was the boy wonder needing caffeine to keep going. And Teal'c. Hmm. Mary Lou had an interest in psychology and she would have dearly loved to have got inside the Jaffa's head. She believed that he had an obsessive desire to keep his team safe, probably due to his guilty conscience. Unfortunately, Teal'c didn't talk enough for her to be able to analyse him properly. She listened as Teal'c talked with Norjil, hoping to pick up some clues to his psyche.
"Your weapons are unlike any I have seen."
'Mmm. Obviously the warrior in him.'
"We developed these some time ago," Norjil replied, handing one to Teal'c.
Teal'c examined it closely. "I do not believe the Goa'uld have such weapons at their disposal."
'Fixated on the Goa'uld. Always thinking about them.'
"I hope not!" Norjil laughed. "They might come up with a way to circumvent them. We managed to defeat the Goa'uld Heru-ur when he came and tried to claim this planet. Unfortunately, the Goa'uld are very persistent."
"I have noticed," Teal'c replied, an odd look on his face.
'Now that's interesting. Obviously thinking about the Goa'ulds' desire to make an example of him as a Shol'va.'
"Yeah, we've noticed them being...persistent ourselves," Jack grinned.
"From what I've heard, O'Neill, the Tau'ri can be just as persistent," Norjil said, wryly.
"Who've you been talkin' to?" Jack demanded, suspiciously.
"Word of the Tau'ri has reached many planets." There was a grin on Norjil's face that said that not all of the reports had been impressive ones. Even Teal'c had a smile in his eyes.
'Feels superior, does he?'
Jack frowned. Okay, so not all their missions had covered them in glory, especially that mission to PXG 296 (that one had covered them in something else). In fact he'd believed that smell would never fade, but most of their... less inspiring missions had been confined to reports (and certainly never mentioned to the Tok'Ra. Briefly, Jack wondered if Sam had told her father about some of those missions but dismissed it. Sam hadn't been smelling of roses a few times herself.
"So, Norjil, any chance us borrowing a few of those weapons to help fight off the Goa'uld?"
"I'm sorry, O'Neill, but we have a strict policy on not sharing technology. But we are open to negotiating an alliance between our worlds. However, I am not the one who would make that decision. I am only the leader of this village. But, here is not the time for that. Today we will celebrate meeting new friends. Come, drink."
Mary Lou removed her gaze from Teal'c face (it had barely left him during the whole conversation) to find herself being offered a large cup. She took it, smiling her thanks, and noticed that everyone had a similar cup.
"Here is to the future," Norjil announced, raising his cup.
Mary Lou sniffed at the drink before she took a sip. It looked and smelt vaguely like some of her own herbal teas. She took a sip. 'This stuff is fantastic.' With very little hesitation, she drained the cup.
Too far away for her to hear, Daniel was also drinking the murky liquid with appreciation.
"This is wonderful," he enthused to the village Elder he'd been talking to. "What is it?"
The Elder smiled. "We call it caffeine."
Two hours later, Mary Lou had had another cupful (she was disappointed to find that two was the limit) and she was bouncing off the houses. She'd never felt so good! She'd also managed to corner two of the women from the village, who happened to be scientists, and was bombarding them with questions. They, being unable to share their technology (especially with someone as goofily high on caffeine as she was) managed to evade her questions with skill and grace. And sometimes outright refusal.
Mary Lou plopped herself down on the seat next to Jack. While he continued talking to Norjil, she fidgeted endlessly.
Daniel, who wasn't as affected as she was (after all, he drank enough coffee to be used to sudden caffeine rushes), sat down next to her. "Major? Are you all right?" he asked.
Jack's head turned slightly so he could hear what was going on.
The major took a deep breath and leaned forward, placing one hand affectionately on Daniel's shoulder. "Daniel. I have to tell you this," she said, almost jerkily. "Caffeine's a drug. You're an addict. Go get de-toxed and drink herbal tea like me. You'll feel wonderful!" She flung out her hand to emphasise the wonderful, and hit Jack on the chest.
"Major, don't you drink coffee at all?" Daniel asked, casually.
"Not me!" Mary Lou proudly tapped herself on the chest. "Caffeine free, that's me!" She sighed. "This place is wonderful. I feel wonderful. It must be the atmosphere," she declared.
Jack had noticed how quickly she was talking and turned to her. "Major, are you all right?" he said, unconsciously repeating Danny's earlier enquiry.
Connor waved a hand in the air. "It's the atmosphere," she reiterated.
"Or the drink."
Both Jack and Mary Lou looked at Daniel.
"The drink. It's caffeine. Pure caffeine," he explained.
Mary Lou felt the words bounce around her skull, but wasn't really up to making sense of them. "Well, it's wonderful." She nodded enthusiastically.
Jack looked at Daniel. "So she's high on caffeine?"
Daniel nodded, trying very hard to stop the smirk (of seeing the mighty fallen) from crossing his face and taking up permanent residence there. "If she drank coffee it wouldn't affect her nearly as much. You're not affected, neither am I. But she doesn't drink any caffeine, so..."
Jack looked at the bright spark that was his temporary second in command. "She's high as a kite."
"Higher."
"Norjil," Jack turned back to the leader, "we have to leave."
Norjil smirked at Jack. "I know. Do not worry, O'Neill, you and your people are most welcome to visit here again."
Leaving was not a problem, persuading Connor to walk in a straight line and not do her very own Tigger impersonation was. In the end, Jack grabbed her arm and hauled her along, wishing (for the fiftieth time) that Sam was not stuck in a hospital bed and he was not stuck with Mary Lou.
While Fraser was dealing with Major Connor's sudden burst of hyperactivity, Jack slipped out of the Infirmary and made his way to Daniel's office, stopping only to grab a large paper bag from his own office. Once there, he searched through the cupboard until Daniel's whole stash of extra strong coffee beans was on the desk in front of him. Working as quickly as he could (although he knew Janet would stall Daniel if she had to), he opened every bag and replaced the lot with the decaf coffee beans he'd persuaded the Doctor to buy on her way into work that day. By the time he'd finished, Daniel wouldn't have guessed that his coffee beans had been tampered with. Jack grinned. He never would have thought that one day he'd be thankful to his Special Ops training for helping him switch coffee beans on one unsuspecting archaeologist.
The next morning, Connor was back to normal. She was also extremely annoyed that she'd been 'tricked' into drinking caffeine, and was ready to go to war on the issue with Daniel. She made her way to the messhall. Waiting for her order of herbal tea, plus the healthiest breakfast they had, she turned and surveyed the room. There was no sign of any of her team mates.
Daniel was in his office, being bugged by Jack. Jack hadn't had time the night before to get to the bottom of Daniel's silence, but he'd guessed it was connected to their newest (and thankfully, temporary) team member.
"Daniel."
"Jack." Daniel didn't even glance up from the artifact he'd almost finishing translating.
"Wanna talk about it?"
Daniel did look up, briefly, at that. "Talk about what?" His gaze returned to the tablet, his hand scribbling down the words his brain was deciphering.
"Major Connor."
The pen slipped slightly, then continued. "What about her?"
"Her attitude to coffee."
Another slip. "What about it?"
"Or your attitude to her."
Daniel put the pen down. "What are you talking about? I've been polite to h..."
"Yeah, Daniel. Polite. That shows how much you don't like her."
"I..."
"Within ten minutes of meeting Carter, you were talking the hind leg off a donkey about your ideas. And she wasn't far behind you. But you've barely said a word to Major Connor." Jack paused. Daniel had that hunted look in his eyes. "And I know why!"
"Jack..."
"She's got a thing about coffee and you hate that. Hell, I hate that and I'm not as crazy about the stuff as you are."
Silence.
"Danny, don't let her get to you. As soon as Carter gets back on her feet, she'll be back on the team. Major Connor is just temporary."
"I know that." Daniel shrugged and sat back in his chair. "It's not just her attitude to me. She seems to have some kind of a problem with Teal'c."
"Yeah."
"You noticed?"
"Bit difficult to miss," Jack retorted. "Although, I think she's got a problem with me too."
Daniel smiled slightly. "Yeah."
"So, you gonna be okay?"
Daniel nodded. "Yeah."
"Come on. Let's go get breakfast. Then I can return to my office and start filling in all those ever so interesting forms the Pentagon wants to read and you can get back to your rocks."
"Artifacts."
"Whatever." Jack watched Daniel drain his coffee cup and hid his smile. Daniel didn't know it, but that was his last cup of real coffee.
"Major Connor." Jack's half smile (which never got near his eyes) hid his annoyance that Mary Lou was still in the messhall when he and Daniel got there.
"Colonel. Doctor Jackson."
"Major." Daniel hovered for a second, then dumped his breakfast and enormous coffee cup on the table Mary Lou was sitting at and sat down. He noticed how her eyes lingered on the coffee cup and the twitch of her eyebrows.
Resolutely, she looked up and smiled at him. If she was going to reform the man, she'd have to make him like her first. 'Shouldn't be difficult.'
Jack sat down too. He wasn't that keen on sitting with the major, but he didn't want to miss Daniel's first sip... gulp... of decaf. He wasn't disappointed.
Mary Lou had initiated a conversation on languages, knowing that Daniel wouldn't be able to keep quiet. Within five minutes she'd got him talking, although he still hadn't touched his coffee. Every now and then his hand would stray towards the cup automatically. Finally, the craving grew too strong (and the conversation too interesting) and Daniel took a mouthful.
He swallowed, then continued talking, waiting almost subconsciously for that first rush of delicious caffeine to go racing around his system. His voice faltered slightly. He glanced down at the cup to reassure himself that this was coffee, a frown on his face.
Mary Lou hadn't noticed. She was determined to ignore his dependancy upon caffeine until he liked her enough to take her advice, but as he stayed silent, gazing into the coffee cup as though expecting to see some kind of answer come floating to the top, she realised that something was wrong.
"Dr. Jackson? Daniel?" She laid a hand on his arm. "Is something wrong?"
His head jerked up. "Uh...no. I just... Excuse me." Standing, he grabbed the cup and headed back over to the commissary table.
Jack turned and watched him. His face showing only concern and none of the avid interest he was feeling. He wasn't close enough to hear the words, but from the waving around of that coffee cup and the various gestures in the direction of the coffee pot, he could tell that Dr. Jackson wasn't happy with his coffee. A few minutes later, and Daniel was back at the table, his coffee cup in his hand and a frown still on his face.
When Major Connor repeated her enquiry about something being wrong, Jack could tell that it was struggle for the archaeologist to reply politely.
"No...nothing... Thank you." Was all the answer she got. A few minutes later, Daniel excused himself and left.
Jack gave him enough time for the coffee that Daniel was undoubtedly brewing in his office to be ready, then followed. He did managed to hide his smirk until he was away from Mary Lou's sharp eyes though.
Daniel stared down into his second cup of undrunk coffee that day. He didn't understand. It just didn't taste right. His musings on life, coffee, the universe, coffee and everything important (coffee, coffee and coffee) were interrupted by Jack.
"Hey. What's up?"
"Jack... does your coffee taste okay?"
"Yeah."
"It's... it's just..." Daniel stared into the coffee cup again. "I don't know..."
"What?"
"It just doesn't... taste right."
Jack frowned. "Like what?"
"It tastes... wrong somehow."
'And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the shortest explanation ever offered by Dr. Daniel Jackson, PhD.'
"Okay." Jack sat down, obviously willing to give this matter his entire attention. "You had two cups of that caffeine last night, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I only had one. Maybe that's why."
"But my coffee was fine earlier."
"Maybe your system's just overloaded with it," Jack offered, thinking as quickly as he could.
"I guess." Daniel sighed and took another mouthful of his coffee. He hoped it would get back to normal soon. He needed his coffee.
Janet looked up from Sam's chart as Daniel came in.
"Hi," he said softly, so as not to disturb her. "How is she?"
"Ask her yourself," Janet replied, moving out of the way so Daniel could see that Sam was awake, then heading for her office.
"Hi, Sam."
"Hey, Daniel." Sam sighed. Everything still felt rather fuzzy to her. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. How are you feeling?"
"Oh... okay. Just... tired. I think it's the er... the painkillers." Sam had to stop and think of the word she wanted. 'Must be more fuzzy than I thought.'
"I know that feeling," Daniel grinned.
"Mmm." Her eyes closed for a few seconds, then opened as she fought off the impending snooze. "How's the erm... erm... new..."
"Major?" He took the noise Sam made for assent and continued. "Oh, she's fine. She's okay. We miss you."
One eyebrow twitched in his direction.
"Oh, she's nice and everything. Just... not you. She doesn't get Jack's jokes."
Half a frown. "Nn?"
"No. I uh... I don't think she's got much of a sense of humour."
"Uh. Oh... T'l?"
"Teal'c? Oh, he's okay with her. But I think he misses you too."
Sam smiled vaguely in Daniel's direction, her eyes closed. It was nice to be missed. She sighed again.
After a few seconds, Daniel realized that she was asleep. "Sleep well, Sam," he murmured then turned to leave.
"Daniel?" Janet was standing in the doorway. "You okay?"
"Uh... yeah. Just... I'm okay."
"Just...?"
Janet had noticed the frown on his face, and as she was privy to Jack's ambitious 'de-toxing Daniel' plan (as he called it), she was fairly sure that Daniel must be fighting a headache as the caffeine withdrawal worsened.
Daniel shook his head. "Nothing, I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. Headache?"
"Uh...." He shrugged. "Only... a... a bit. It's nothing."
"Hmm. You might have caught Sam's flu. Come on, let's check."
Slowly, Daniel followed her over to the examining table.
"Well," she said finally, "you don't have flu. But I don't know why you've got a headache." She handed him two tablets and a glass of water. "These should help with the headache and you might try getting some sleep."
"I'll be fine," Daniel insisted.
"Okay, but if the headache doesn't go by tonight, come back." She watched as he headed towards the door. "I mean it, Daniel, get some sleep."
He gave her that half smile that said 'not a chance' and left.
Once back in his office Daniel made himself a cup of coffee and sat down. 'I hope this headache clears soon,' he thought as he pulled his notebook towards him. Blinking a few times, he frowned at the translation he'd been working on but a bang on the door interrupted him.
"Hey," Jack said, sticking his head around the door. Janet had warned him about the side effects of caffeine withdrawal, and she'd just phoned him to let him know it was starting.
"Hey, Jack."
'Geez, Danny, you look like hell.' "So, whatcha up to?"
"Translating." Daniel glanced up, a flicker of a smile on his face. "Or trying to."
"Maybe you could get Major Connor to give you a hand."
"It'll be fine. Anyway, she's off playing with Sam's naquadah reactor."
"Well, it is on the must-have list for Christmas," Jack quipped, then added, "Why don't you get some sleep. You look tired."
Daniel looked straight at Jack.
'Oops.'
"Have you been talking to Janet by any chance?"
"I went in to see Sam and the Doc said that you'd been in with a headache," Jack lied.
"I did not go in with a headache. I went in to see Sam and I just happened to have a headache," Daniel protested.
"So, has it gone yet?"
"Janet gave me some painkillers."
"And you took them?"
"Yes."
Jack was amazed. Daniel must have had one hell of a headache if he actually took the damn things. "Okay," was all he said though.
Daniel sighed and sat back in his chair. He knew he wasn't going to get rid of Jack that easily. "Anything else?"
"Yeah. Uh... you comin' over for the game tonight?"
"There's a game on tonight?" 'Does the ice hockey season ever end?'
"Course there's a game on. I've got 139 sports channels ya know."
"Oh, yeah." 'Let me guess, another fascinating repeat of last year's ice hockey play off between Population-Of-One-Ville and Never-Been-Heard-Of-Ville.'
Jack waited.
Silence.
"So, you comin'?"
"Uh... I think I'm gonna be busy... doing this translation." Daniel hoped his lie would get him out of it.
"Come on! Sitting in here, translating some old rock..."
"Artifact."
"...that says 'Caesar was here', or at home with me, drinkin' a cold beer, eatin' pizza and watching a play off."
'The temptation.' "You know, Jack, I think I'll take the translation."
Jack was indignant. Translation over ice-hockey? Daniel needed more than de-toxing. He grabbed Daniel's notebook before the linguist could start scribbling again, and waved it around to emphasise the various points he was making.
"Do you realise how much time you spend... time when you're not actually supposed to be workin'... starin' at rocks?"
"Artifacts."
"Daniel, there's so much more to life than this base, ya know? I know you go off world and stare at rocks there too..."
"Artifacts."
"...but apart from that, do you actually have a life? I mean, all you can see in your apartment is a pile o' rocks..."
"Artifacts."
"...in fact, if it wasn't for me and my mild interest in ice-hockey, you wouldn't even have a TV!"
"Artifacts."
"Huh?"
"What?"
"Daniel, what I'm sayin' is... and Carter 'n' Teal'c'd agree with me here... you need to get out more."
"Jack, can I have my notebook back? I really have to get on with this."
"Oh, for cryin' out loud - where you even listenin' to what I was sayin'?"
"Course I was, Jack. I just... well...." Daniel yawned, surprising himself and Jack.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just... uh... I just feel a bit... tired." Daniel yawned again.
"Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Uh... well..."
"Oh for cryin' out loud, Daniel. What did you do? Spend all night starin' at that damned rock?"
"Ar...." The word was interrupted by another yawn.
'Geez, I had no idea Daniel had that big a mouth.' "Tell you what, I'll go and get you some coffee."
"I... I got..."
"I'll get you some from the messhall."
"Okay... thanks, Jack." Daniel barely managed to get the words around the yawns that were interrupting him.
"Okay." Jack shut the door behind him and waited, counting to ten very slowly. Then he opened it again, and peered around it and grinned. 'Bingo!'
Five minutes later, he and Teal'c crept into Daniel's office. Jack continued to smirk as they carefully lifted him out of his chair, carried him to his on base quarters and settled him on the bed. As Jack removed Daniel's boots and glasses then covered him with a blanket, Daniel remained totally comatose, snoring softly the whole way through.
It wasn't until they had left Daniel's room and were on their way to the messhall that Teal'c spoke.
"Why do you smile, O'Neill?"
Jack clapped his partner in crime on the shoulder. "Because Daniel is on his way to being caffeine free, Teal'c. Now remember, you promised, not a word to Daniel."
"I will keep my promise."
"I know, Teal'c. I know."
Daniel stirred slightly, then turned over. Slowly, his eyes opened and he gazed at the world. His view at this time consisted of a blurry vision of Jack's face.
"Evenin'."
"Hmm?"
"Daniel?"
"Hmm."
Jack waited for Daniel's intelligence to start working.
Daniel struggled to sit up, one hand groping for his glasses. "What time is it?"
"Six o'clock."
"Huh?"
"Six o'clock."
"In the evening?"
"Yeah," grinned Jack. "Just in time to head for my place, grab a pizza and a beer and watch the game."
Daniel looked around. "I uh... I was in my office."
"You said you were tired," Jack claimed. "You were gonna grab a nap."
"I did?" Daniel groaned.
"You still got that headache? Want me to fetch the Doc?"
"No." Daniel sighed. "Look, I uh... can't believe I slept all afternoon. What will General Hammond say? I was supposed to be working."
"Relax. We've got three days off. Seems Major Connor is knee deep in naquadah theories and having the time of her life. Course, you've just slept through one of your days off." Jack stood up and waited for Daniel to get to his feet. "Teal'c's gone to visit Ry'ac, so it's just you and me. Meet you at the elevator in ten minutes."
Daniel watched the door shut behind Jack then sat down to put his boots on.
Fifteen minutes later, Jack was still waiting. 'Come on, Danny. Let's get out of here before the Tok'Ra decide they need us to go and save the world again.' He glanced at his watch, pacing back and forth.
"Colonel?"
Jack turned, then looked down at the petite Doctor. "Oh, hi Doc."
"I thought you had a few days off?"
"Yeah, I'm just waiting for... oh, here he is. Geez, Daniel, what did you do? Decide to take another nap?"
"Uh... I uh... I think so."
"Daniel? Are you all right?"
"Oh yeah, Janet, I'm fine. I'm just really tired for some reason." Daniel yawned again.
"Sheesh! You've been sleepin' all day. Come on, Plant Boy, let's move it." Grinning at Janet, Jack grabbed one of Daniel's shoulders and steered him into the elevator.
"Jack! You know how I hate..."
Daniel's protests (and yawns) were silenced as the elevator doors shut. Janet smiled and headed along to the messhall. She'd warned the colonel that Daniel would spend a lot of time sleeping as his body adjusted to being without caffeine. 'Obviously he didn't take me seriously enough.'
Jack was starting to take Janet's warning seriously. Daniel had fallen asleep in the car and Jack had had to wake him up to get him out of the car and into the house.
"Come on, Daniel, you do know how to walk in a straight line."
"Yeah, I uh..." Daniel yawned again. "Uh... Jack, I can't keep my eyes open."
"Yeah, lack of caf..." Jack bit the words off. With a bit of luck Daniel was too tired to notice.
"Huh?" Daniel managed to focus on Jack. "What did you say?" Another yawn.
Jack thought quickly. "Lack of food, Daniel. And all the sleep you so frequently do without. Geez, every time I go past your door, there you are workin' on yet another rock, tryin' to translate the universe in just one day."
Daniel frowned, scrunching up his eyes in an effort to make his brain work more efficiently. It didn't really work and he fell asleep on Jack's couch with a half formed thought in his head.
By the time the pizza had been delivered and Jack had persuaded Daniel to eat some (accompanied by more decaf coffee), Daniel's half formed thought had escaped and he sat slumped on Jack's couch gazing blearily at the TV screen.
Jack watched the game, firmly keeping his triumphant grin off his face. 'That was a close one.'
Daniel spent the next two days either asleep or attempting to drink his way through the entire coffee bean supply of the Western world. Needless to say he did not get the caffeine he was craving (Jack had also replaced all of his coffee with decaf) so Daniel spent most of the two days asleep. He was still falling asleep at inopportune moments by the time he and Jack returned to the SGC.
Major Connor had finished having fun with Sam's naquadah reactor, although she had taken the liberty of writing her name on the bottom in the hope of taking it with her when she left. She'd also, being super powered by herbal teas and therefore needing less sleep than lesser mortals, analysed some findings from a UAV. Therefore, the three male members of SG-1 found themselves listening to another of her briefings.
"As you can see, this time the UAV failed to detect any lifesigns whatsoever but it did detect large deposits of naquadah. It is possible, in my opinion," she said, modestly, knowing that she was totally right, "that this is a world rich with naquadah that the Goa'uld know nothing about."
Hammond turned to Jack. "Colonel..."
His words were interrupted by a snore. Jack looked up, and seeing that his de-toxed archaeologist was fast asleep, remedied the situation by a swift kick.
Daniel sat up with a snort.
Hammond frowned. Had Dr. Jackson just fallen asleep? He shook his head slightly then looked at Jack. The colonel was apparently finding the table top very interesting. Hammond's 'Jack alert' went off. He was up to something. The general glanced at Daniel, who was blinking his eyes in an effort to bring himself fully back to consciousness. 'Definitely up to something.' "Colonel."
Jack looked up, enquiringly.
"You have a go."
"Yes, sir." Jack practically leapt from his seat. 'That was a close one.'
Daniel managed to stay awake all the way through the mission to check out P4R-981 but he was practically sleep walking by the time they got back to the SGC. Jack was scowling. He'd hoped Daniel would be more awake by now.
Daniel headed straight for his office and automatically poured himself a cup of coffee. He went to take a gulp then stopped. Why did he bother? This stuff wasn't helping him stay awake at all.
Maybe he was hungry. Lack of food...
'Lack of food. Jack.' Daniel frowned. Now that the memory had surfaced, he was convinced that Jack had been about to say something else. 'Lack of caf...' The light bulb went on with ping.
"Caffeine!"
Daniel leapt at his cupboard and wrenched the door open with adrenalin pumping through him. It gave him more energy than he'd had in days. Quickly, he rifled through the bags. Jack was good but they didn't stand up to a minute inspection, and Dr. Daniel Jackson had been examining artifacts very closely for quite a number of years.
'Good, but not quite good enough, Jack.'
Daniel thought rapidly. Obviously Jack had got the messhall in on the act... 'Janet too.' So he couldn't get any real coffee from there. Briefly, he thought of Sam's lab. She'd always had some coffee ready for when she'd pull an all nighter, she hated the coffee machine coffee, so did he. His eyes widened. With a barely restrained whoop of triumph, he grabbed some spare change and dived into the hallway. Fortunately, there was no one around as he ran to the coffee machine and, with shaking hands, shoved some money in and hastily grabbed the nectar his body had been craving.
Furtively, he ducked back into his office. 'Coffee, real coffee.' He smirked, 'Nope, not quite good enough, Jack,' and took a drink. Then peered into the cup.
"Damn!" Jack was more sneaky than Daniel had thought.
Two hours of sneaking around the base and several close shaves later, Daniel had proved that Jack had been extremely thorough and that everyone on the base was obviously drinking decaf coffee. In his desperation, he'd even snuck into the General's office and whipped some of his coffee only to throw it down in disgust as the lack of caffeine made itself apparent.
Well recognised footsteps in the hall made him dump the liquid into his mug, the cup into the waste paper bin and himself into his chair. By the time the door opened, Dr. Daniel Jackson, PhD. was engrossed in decoding the latest set of squiggles an SG team had decided they needed translating.
"Hey, Daniel."
"Hey, Jack."
"I've been lookin' for you for ages."
"Oh?"
"Yeah." Jack paused. Was there something going on? "Here, the messhall, the Infirmary, the lab... No sign of you."
"I was wandering around."
"Oh yeah? Where'd ya go?"
'He suspects something.' "Down to storage. You see," Daniel decided to bamboozle Jack with words - it had worked every other time, "these symbols seem to be a mix between Mayan, Aztec, Cuniform and Ancient Egyptian. I remembered that we had an artifact come in a few months ago that was very similar but without any symbols. It was an Aztec design but had the image of Bastet on it, proving once again, that there was a cross fertilization of all the cultures springing from the Goa'uld inspiring all the ancient legends about Gods. Anyway, I thought that..."
"Yeah," Jack interruped loudly. 'He went to look at a damn rock. Makes sense.' "So, me and Teal'c are gonna visit Sam then head to my place to watch the game. You comin'?"
Daniel looked up, as though he'd become engrossed in his translating again. "Huh? Oh, the game. No thanks, Jack, there's a documentary on the Discovery Channel about Sneferu. Did you know he tried to replace the ancient Gods with his own religion? I'm wondering if he was a Tok'Ra or if he just figured that he'd be better off controlling more of the religion without letting the other Goa'uld in on it. Although, as he was actually from a later Dynasty than all the Goa'uld we've come across, it is possible that he realised that the ancient Gods were false..."
"Okay! Enjoy the documentary on See-through." A long dead, weirdly named guy over ice hockey? Jack shook his head.
"I will, Jack. I'll just finish this then go visit Sam myself before heading home."
"Okay. See ya tomorrow."
"See you then, Jack."
Daniel smiled as the door shut behind Jack. He didn't just have the translation to finish. He had some revenge to plan as well. He looked down at the inviting liquid in his cup. 'How did Jack persuade everyone to switch to decaf?' He aimlessly twirled the liquid around in his cup, thinking... thinking...
Unless...
He sat up straight. Was it possible that the only real coffee available was in the messhall... hidden? 'I wouldn't put it past him.' Daniel considered sneaking into the messhall and taking a look at their supplies but he figured that he'd probably get caught and then Jack would know he was onto him. Suddenly he smiled and looked at his computer. Oh, how he loved the Airforce. They kept records for everything.
As he had a high grade of clearance, he had no problem logging into the supplies records. And there it was. Two sets of coffee. The normal coffee drunk by everyone, and a new file, labelled "Coffee for Doctor Jackson and everywhere on the base where he might get his hands on it". He tried to access the file, but even his clearance couldn't get him in there. Obviously Jack had slammed his own personal clearance or higher on it.
Didn't matter. Now that Daniel knew the truth, he could work around it. 'You are so going to regret messing with me, Colonel O'Neill.'
"Hey, Janet."
"Hey, Daniel. You look a lot better than you did."
"Yeah, thanks." Daniel nodded, keeping his face carefully blank. "I feel a lot better too."
"Good." The Doctor smiled at him. She hadn't been sure that Daniel would be able to work without coffee. 'Obviously I was wrong.'
"Is Sam awake?"
"She was, she fell asleep after the colonel and Teal'c left."
"Oh, okay." Daniel approached Sam's bed silently and placed the chocolate cookies he brought for her on the bedside locker. "Sleep well, Sam."
On his way home, he stopped off at his favourite coffee shop. The owner greeted him with a big smile: Dr. Jackson was his best customer. Unfortunately, Jack had got there first.
As soon as he got home, Daniel raced into the kitchen and shoved the kettle on the stove. He hopped from one foot to the other impatiently as he waited for it to boil. Then, finally, he made himself a glorious cup of rich, non-decaf coffee (he thought). Savouring the moment, he turned on the TV and watched as the Discovery Channel claimed that the pyramids had been built by ancient Egyptians, then he lifted the coffee cup and took a gulp.
'Coffee... What the...?' Daniel stared into the cup. "Decaf!" he shouted. He dumped the repulsive, fake and totally without delight coffee on the table then leapt to his feet, grabbed his car keys and ran from the apartment.
Muttering various curses, in several different languages, Daniel dived into his car and headed off with a squeal of tyres. He stopped at the first supermarket he came to and ran inside.
Grabbing a trolley, he rushed to the coffee aisle. Coffee... real coffee awaited him - but only because Jack didn't have the financial backing to bribe an entire supermarket chain. Daniel, suspecting more of Jack's handiwork, refused to take the bags sitting tidily at the front of the shelves, taking instead some from the back. Suddenly realising that he was being watched, he spun around (fully expecting to see Jack with a zat gun and a disapproving look on his face), only to find himself facing a little old lady.
She looked at the mess he'd made of the shelves, then reached past him to pick up a bag of coffee. He smiled endearingly, hoping to reassure her.
"Weirdo," she snapped, then walked away.
Ten minutes later he left, carrying several bags of coffee. He hadn't been able to get his normal brand of 'so strong the top of your head will fall off' coffee, instead he'd had to make do with normal strength. He hoped it would be enough.
Twenty minutes later, he was back in his living room, the Discovery Channel still making erroneous comments about Ancient Egypt, and a cup of real coffee facing him.
He picked up the cup, his hand trembling and took a gulp. As the caffeine rushed around his system, making his eyes spin like pin balls, he sank back on the couch, a smile on his face.
"Coffee..." he murmured, feeling the strength returning to his body along with the ability to work all night and not fall asleep in meetings. "Coffee..."
Five cups of coffee later, and he was back to normal. The bright, pain in the ass, too clever for his own good, Dr. Daniel Jackson was out for revenge.
The next morning, Daniel arrived early at the SGC. Hurrying to his office, he turned on his computer and waited as the computer loaded all of its programmes. As soon as it was ready, he went online and spent a very happy half an hour hacking into Jack's computer system. He knew that Jack rarely used his computer, in fact the only thing he used it for was to do paperwork. And, as it was the end of the month, all of Jack's monthly paperwork was sitting on his hard drive. Daniel smiled. Jack was not going to be a happy camper when it came time to hand over all of his reports. In fact, Jack might be missing a few games while he attempted to hand over all of his reports.
"Good morning, Dr. Jackson."
"Major Connor. It is a good morning, isn't it?" Daniel smiled at the beautiful woman as he collected his breakfast, refusing the coffee and choosing juice instead. He noticed how her eyes lingered on his tray. "No, Major, I've decided to give up on the SGC coffee. Caffeine is so addictive after all."
Mary Lou was surprised but tried to hide it, although a pleased look managed to make it into her eyes. "I hope you find that you can manage without it," she said, sincerely, although the gleam in his eyes puzzled her.
"Believe me, Major. I'm doing fine." Daniel kept his face straight until she'd turned and started making her way towards a table, then a huge grin spread across his face. "Just fine."
Jack sighed as he turned his computer on. He hated paperwork. Paperwork of any description. He figured that he'd sooner be out there facing up to Apophis than doing paperwork... well, almost anyway. He waited as the programmes loaded themselves and then clicked on documents, his mind more on last night's hockey game than anything else. He and Teal'c had had a bet on the outcome. Teal'c had, naturally, chosen the team whose members were bigger and bulkier. Jack had known that he would. Since speed is an important factor in hockey, Jack had not been surprised when he'd won the bet.
"I do not understand," Teal'c had said, flatly. "The team I chose should have been victorious."
"Well, Teal'c, sometimes bigger doesn't mean better."
Teal'c had merely looked at Jack, one eyebrow rising. Then he had straightened slightly. "I will remember that for next time."
'Yeah, like I'm gonna let you choose your team next time.'
Jack grinned. Teal'c had been annoyed, he could tell. He glanced at the screen and typed in his password. 'The sooner I get this finished the better.' His face dropped as the words "Access Denied" flashed at him.
"What the...?" He typed his password in again and received the same message. He tried once more, this time typing slowly to make sure that he got it right, then pushed his chair back. Had he changed his password? He knew he hadn't. He tried all of his passwords for the past month or so, (his latest ones being ice hockey teams) and then clapped his hands together when one was accepted.
"Yes! I'm in!"
After changing his password back to what he'd thought it was, Jack clicked on his documents again. His grin faded as he saw the list. Instead of being faced with a list of names such as "naquadah mission", "Norjil & co", etc., Jack was looking at a list of files he didn't recognise at all.
"'There's no way you're reading this one'? 'Doohickey'? What the hell is goin' on?"
Jack impatiently clicked on 'Doohickey'. The file opened. It was one of his mission reports to P7R 937. Glancing down his eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he realised that every name in the report showed up at 'Doohickey'. Reading that 'Major Doohickey' had drunk caffeine and become incapacitated, while 'Dr. Doohickey' and 'Doohi'ckey' hadn't, would certainly make Hammond's day (who was, of course, referred to as 'General Doohickey' in the report).
Jack clicked close. Then opened the file again, slowly. It was still there! Closing that file he opened the document that advised him that there was no way he'd read it. It was right.
Instead of words, it had numbers.
Jack sat back in his chair. This couldn't be happening. Suddenly he closed the document and opened up another one, this one called, 'Day at the Seaside'.
This one told the tale of how 'Major Shell Crab', 'Dr. Dab Jellyfish' and 'Turtle' had gone through the 'gate, the resulting mission ending with 'Major Crab' being badly injured.
Jack leapt to his feet. "You've gotta be kidding me!"
Hurriedly, he opened and then closed all of his mission reports. Each had been tampered with in some way.
Jack pushed his chair away from the desk and away from the list of mission reports that mocked him. He grabbed his hair and held onto his head. He hated writing mission reports, he hated paperwork and now... he was faced with rewriting each and every single report!
He gave a muffled scream and then started pacing back and forth in front of his desk, checking every now and then to see if the reports were still bizarrely named. If only Sam wasn't asleep in the Infirmary - she'd know what had happened and how to fix it.
"Hey, Doc. How's the patient?"
"She's fine, Colonel. She's actually awake at the moment."
Jack smiled. 'Must be my lucky day.' "Hey, Carter, how ya feelin'?"
Carter smiled up at him. The flu had cleared, so she was feeling a lot better. Her bronchitis was on the way to being banished, her measles were still itching and her shingles were still painful, but all in all, she was feeling much more like her old self.
"Colonel, it's good to see you." Suddenly, Sam frowned. She could tell there was something wrong. "What's up?"
Jack looked over his shoulder at Janet, who was still scribbling notes on a clipboard.
Sam's eyes followed his, and noticed how he didn't speak until the Doctor had left the room.
"Colonel?"
"You're not supposed to be workin', but I need some help."
Sam smiled. "I've been so bored it's incredible. Just give me something to think about."
"My computer."
"What about it?"
"Somethin' weird's happened. All my documents are called somethin' different and... and...names are changed in each report."
"Names?"
"Major Doohickey."
"Doohickey?" Sam echoed.
"Yeah. That's not all. One o' them's now called 'The Universe and Back' and everyone's named after a damn planet!"
"A planet?"
"Yeah, I've got mission reports filled with fish, animals and flowers, for cryin' out loud. Some o' them, I can't even read! One's filled with smileys and another's a pile o' numbers!"
"Oh my."
"Did I get a virus or what?" Jack demanded.
"Is that it? All the names have been changed?"
"Yeah. Oh, an' my password was different."
"Your password? Are you sure?"
Jack nodded. "Positive."
"That's not a virus, that's a hacker."
Jack looked at her blankly.
"Someone's hacked into your computer and changed everything. The only question is who?"
Jack knew. He didn't know how but he knew who and why. "Daniel."
"Sir?"
"Dr. Dab Jellyfish himself."
"Sir, I don't..."
"Daniel did it."
"Why would Daniel..."
"Because I switched his coffee to decaf."
"Holy Hannah!"
"And this is his revenge." Jack's face hardened. "He is gonna be so sorry."
"Sir... sir..." Sam watched helplessly as Colonel Jack O'Neill, ex-Special Forces, left the Infirmary intent on a Jellyfish hunt. She wouldn't like to be in Daniel's shoes when the colonel caught up with him.
Daniel was sitting at his desk, scribbling away at a translation, when he heard Jack approaching. Each footstep was a model of military precision and Daniel knew that he'd been rumbled. "Damn!"
With one superhuman leap, Daniel was inside his cupboard, the door shut tightly behind him. He heard the door to his office open.
"Daniel?"
Jack's voice sounded so reasonable, so calm, but Daniel could barely breathe. How did he know it was him? He heard the click of his coffee mug as Jack picked it up, took a gulp and set it back down.
'He knows I know about the coffee. I am so dead... I wonder how long I can live in this closet?'
Jack settled himself into Daniel's chair and stretched out his legs. He glanced at the still warm coffee and the translation on the notepad which broke off halfway through a word. He could wait for one geeky archaeologist to give up hiding in the cupboard. He was good at waiting.
An hour passed.
Jack amused himself with reading Daniel's translations, looking at his various artifacts and (when he got really bored) flicking spitballs at the said artifacts.
Daniel remained inside the cupboard. Surely Jack would go soon? Suddenly he felt an itch. Damn! He wanted to sneeze. 'No, not now. Not now.' The sneeze was building. 'Oh God, not now!'
Jack was in the process of seeing how many pencils he could balance on his finger when a muffled sneeze disturbed the silence.
"Gesundheit," he said calmly, not a trace of surprise in his voice.
The pencils dropped as Dr. Daniel Jackson, PhD., emerged from his cupboard at a rate roughly the speed of light and headed for the door.
Jack was ex-Special Forces, and geeky archaeologists had nothing on him when it came to speed. Even ones with fear adding nuclear power to their getaways.
Daniel came to an abrupt halt as one long arm snaked out and grabbed his collar.
Jack reeled him in but didn't speak until he could see the whites of Daniel's eyes. "Doctor...Jellyfish, I presume."
"Hey, Jack." Daniel gave a half smile which faded as Jack looked him in the eye.
"Okay...Dandelion. I think you are going to fix all of my reports, don't you?"
Daniel swallowed. "Um..."
"That's a yes, Daniel."
Daniel remained silent as he was towed towards the door.
It took Daniel considerably longer to fix all of Jack's reports than it had to scramble them. Especially as Jack insisted on sitting on the desk right next to the computer, casually snapping pencils in half. Daniel found the noise to be annoying and the look on Jack's face definitely ominous.
"So, Daniel. You're back to drinking full strength coffee." Snap. Another pencil broke.
Daniel gulped.
"Enjoying it are you?" Snap.
Daniel glanced at the broken pencil lying by his arm.
"Had fun this morning?" Snap.
Daniel cleared his throat to speak, but another look at Jack's face stopped him.
"Renaming everyone." Snap.
"Um..."
"Making up funny names for all my files." Snap.
"Uh..."
"Did you really think that I wouldn't figure it out?" Snap.
"You uh...asked Sam..."
"Yes, I did." Snap. "And I think you'd better not make any kind of smart alec replies in case I get more annoyed than I am at the moment!" Snap. Snap.
"Uh...okay"
Finally, Daniel deleted the files which only contained smileys and numbers. They'd been fake ones that he'd thrown into the mix to wind Jack up further. He had to admit that he'd succeeded.
"Done," Daniel murmured in a small voice.
Jack remained silent, so Daniel took it as his cue to leave. He half rose from his seat then fell back down as Jack clamped one hand on his shoulder.
"Where ya goin', Daniel?"
"Uh..."
"Don't wanna miss the fun that I've got planned, do ya?"
Daniel seemed to be having trouble talking, but he managed to echo hoarsely, "Fun?"
"Oh yeah. You and me, buddy." Jack slipped an arm around Daniel's neck and hugged him. "Doin' lots of... military stuff."
Daniel's breath caught in his throat (partially due to the necklock Jack had on him).
"That's right, Danny boy. You and me. Practisin' shootin'. Practisin' duckin'. It'll be fun!"
There was silence from Danny boy which could have been due to air deprivation. Fortunately, Jack released his stranglehold and slapped Daniel on the back. "Let's go eat."
"Oh God." Maybe, if he was lucky, the Goa'uld would start an all out assault... or SG-11 would bring some weird alien back who'd try to take over the base... or maybe, just maybe, he'd managed to escape while Jack was ordering lunch. Maybe. It was promising to be a very long day...maybe even a very long week.
Fortunately for Daniel's sanity, the very next day SG-1 had a briefing to go to, (in which Major Connor played a large and very vocal part), and a mission to go on.
A UAV had been sent through the 'gate to PR7-207. It hadn't shown much of the world before its systems had malfunctioned and it had crashed; SG-1 were to find and retrieve the missing equipment. They were naturally extremely cautious as they left the wormhole. The MALP hadn't shown anything suspicious, but as Jack stepped out, he had his P90 at the ready. There was nothing to be seen. Just the DHD, lots of grass and plenty of green trees with their leaves gently wafting in the breeze.
Major Connor tracked the signal from the UAV, and within 20 minutes they had reached it. It had not malfunctioned.
It had been hit by a blast from a staff weapon.
"Heads up." Jack took a few steps back from where the UAV lay, his eyes scanning the woods surrounding them.
Major Connor carefully checked over the UAV. It was damaged beyond repair, its internal system blown apart. All she could take back would be scrap metal. She shook her head and stood up.
"Okay. Teal'c, you go first. Let's see if we can find out who we're dealin' with here."
Teal'c nodded and took the point, the major then Daniel falling in behind him, Jack bringing up the rear.
They made their way through the woods mostly in silence. Suddenly, Teal'c stopped, he could see something just ahead where the woods thinned out and ended. Major Connor slid off to one side, while Jack made his way to the other. Daniel approached Teal'c and, keeping their heads down, the four of them gazed out on the scene before them.
As usual, it was the slaves who were doing all the work, while the Jaffa stood around, waving their staff weapons at any slave who didn't look as though he was doing his best to serve his God.
Daniel sighed. Many, many people were enslaved to the Goa'uld. And too many people were having their lives taken from them so the Goa'uld could have naquadah for their weapons. Jack glanced over at him. He knew that Daniel had a propensity to go wading in where angels feared to tread - quite literally in several cases. And Jack did not want Daniel to go leaping to the rescue in this case. They didn't have the manpower or firepower to take on that many Jaffa.
"Teal'c? Any idea who they're workin' for?" Jack murmured.
"I believe it is the Goa'uld Nirrti."
"Nirrti? The Hindu Goddess?" Connor asked quietly.
"Yeah. She must have wriggled her way out of trouble," Daniel said, referring to the last time they'd run across her.
"Ya think?" Jack sighed. Nirrti was one Goa'uld, well, one among many, that he had a personal grudge against. Cassandra was an orphan thanks to Nirrti's plans to destroy the SGC. "Okay, kids. Let's wrap it up and go home."
The four of them quickly and quietly began to withdraw to the Stargate. If their luck held, the Jaffa would never know that any of the SGC members had been there. Well, not until long after SG-1 had gone.
They managed to make it back to the 'gate and Daniel started to dial up. As he pressed the fourth symbol he became aware of movement in the trees to the right of him. His hand reached for the fifth symbol even as his eyes were turning to scan the woods.
"Jack!"
Jack turned in time to see Teal'c take out the lead Jaffa. Instinctively, his P90 came up and he added his firepower to Teal'c's. As the lead Jaffa went down, the ones behind him scattered in an effort to avoid Teal'c's staff blasts, and the two officers' bullets. Daniel used the DHD for cover, even as he continued dialling; his head popping up every few seconds to locate the next symbol and press it.
Jack and Teal'c had both dived for cover, Teal'c ending up near Major Connor, who was wiping out as many of Nirrti's Jaffa as she could. Teal'c rolled into the bushes by her and turned, his staff weapon ready. He knew they had to give Daniel enough cover to allow him to complete dialling. He also knew that the odds were on their side as long as no more Jaffa showed up.
The snap of a broken twig made both Teal'c and Major Connor turn. A large Jaffa stood, his staff weapon rising, his eyes fixed on the Shol'va. Teal'c, having been expertly trained by Master Bra'tac, had already brought his weapon to bear upon the Jaffa. His finger was tightening on the trigger, when Major Connor (being exceptionally heroic), knocked him out of the way. Teal'c was shoved one side, the staff blast searing across his shoulder, as Mary Lou used her P90 to put an end to the Jaffa.
Daniel, having finished dialling, sent SG-1's code through. Receiving confirmation that the SGC knew it was them and they would not get the iris slammed in their faces (well, not unless Hammond was having an exceptionally bad day), Daniel yelled to let them know the 'gate was open and they could go.
"Daniel! Go!" Jack yelled. As Daniel threw himself into the wormhole, Jack skidded to the DHD and took his place. Teal'c and Connor were still on the edge of the woods. The look on Teal'c's face made Jack wonder, but he put it to one side as he blasted as many Jaffas (apart from Teal'c) that he could see into oblivion.
Connor hesitated, obviously waiting for Teal'c to leave first. A shouted "Go!" from the large man made her move. Continuing to fire at the surrounding woods, she passed Jack at a run and was through the wormhole in seconds. Once she'd gone, to Teal'c's great relief, (he had no desire to see her enact yet more heroics), Teal'c followed. As he passed the DHD, Jack joined him, and they entered the SGC knowing that there were several Jaffa on their tail.
"Lock it up!" Jack yelled as he skidded to a halt.
The iris slammed shut and a few seconds later Daniel winced as several loud thuds were heard before the wormhole disengaged.
"Teal'c? You okay?" Jack had had time to notice Teal'c's shoulder.
"I will be," Teal'c replied quietly.
"Yeah, I shot the Jaffa who had him bang to rights," Mary Lou interrupted. She slapped Teal'c on his uninjured shoulder. "You okay there, big guy?" Fortunately for her self image he managed to restrain the growl that erupted from his throat until she was out of earshot.
"Okay, what happened?" Jack demanded as soon as Connor had left the Infirmary.
"Major Connor was mistaken," Teal'c replied, his voice stiff with indignation. "I was the one who would have fired first. She believed that I was in danger and pushed me to one side, disrupting my aim. I...missed. The Jaffa fired. Major Connor disposed of him. That is all."
Jack jerked his head at Teal'c's shoulder. "You gonna be okay?"
"My symbiote will repair the damage." Teal'c paused then added, "This time."
Jack sighed. Turning, he looked Janet in the eye. "How long before Carter's back on her feet?" he demanded.
Seeing as he hadn't got the response from Janet that he wanted, (two seconds or less being his hoped for reply), O'Neill headed straight for General Hammond's office when he left the Infirmary. Marching straight into the General's office, he was brought up short by the sight of Hammond on the phone.
Hammond covered the mouthpiece with his hand. "Come in, Colonel," he murmured, then returned to the phone. "Yes, sir... yes, sir, I understand that.... Very well, sir." Hammond replaced the receiver and looked at O'Neill. "Son, I'm afraid I've got bad news."
Jack leaned forward and gripped the edge of Hammond's desk. "Connor's replacing Carter permanently?" he asked fearfully.
Hammond looked confused. "Why would you think that?" He shook his head. "Major Connor is being transferred."
Jack let go of Hammond's desk. Transferred? 'Maybe there is a God after all.'
"To the Pentagon. Effective immediate."
"Immediately?" A grin was spreading across Jack's face, which he tried desperately to rein in. "Uh... I uh... don't know how we'll manage without her, sir, but I know that...that... erm..." the grin was getting bigger, "we'll manage somehow."
"I'm sure you will, son." Hammond frowned. He hadn't seen Jack this happy in quite a while.
"I'll uh...just go and tell Daniel and Teal'c, sir. I know they'll be as sorry to see her go as I am." The joy on Jack's face showed his true feelings.
"All right, Jack. I'll inform Major Connor myself."
"Yes, sir!" In his enthusiasm, Jack saluted the general and exited the room with a grin plastered all over his face.
Hammond frowned. What was going on with Jack lately? Hammond shook the thought from him then frowned even more as he watched Jack tap dance his way along the walkway. 'Definitely something going on with Jack.'
Teal'c was meditating when there was a bang on his door.
"Teal'c?" Jack opened the door and looked around it.
Teal'c opened his eyes and looked back at O'Neill.
"Ah. Sorry. Just thought you'd want to know - Major Connor is being reassed."
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Reassed?" he echoed.
"Reassigned," Jack said then added excitedly. "She's goin' to the Pentagon!"
"I see."
Jack could see that Teal'c did not realise the importance of the news. "She's off SG-1 as of now," he explained. He grinned as Teal'c subtle smile appeared and he inclined his head towards his superior officer.
"I'll leave you to your meditation. But don't forget, we gotta celebrate!" Jack shut the door behind him and went to spread the good news.
"Daniel? Daniel!"
Daniel looked up as his door was thrown open and a very happy Jack O'Neill filled the doorway. "Jack?"
Jack took a deep breath. "Isn't it a beautiful day?" he asked, conversationally.
"Jack?" Daniel was perplexed. He didn't know when he'd seen his friend this happy.
Jack put his hands on Daniel's desk and leaned forward. "Major. Connor. Is. Being. Transerred. To. The." Jack paused even longer for special effect. "Pentagon!"
A grin made its way across Daniel's face. "The Pentagon? When?"
"Effective immediate!"
"Now? Now?!"
Jack nodded, grinning like the proverbial Cheshire Cat.
"Are you sure?" Daniel looked as though he hardly dared believe it.
"Just got the news from Hammond himself."
Daniel's grin got bigger and bigger.
Jack suddenly had a thought. "Does this mean you'll be able to give up coffee now?"
Daniel's grin turned into a laugh, which stopped as there was a knock on the door. He looked around Jack, still smiling, and saw Major Connor. "Major!"
Jack turned. "Major Connor, I believe congratulations are in order."
"Yes sir, thank you, sir." Connor smiled at the pair of them. "General Hammond just told me, sir. The Pentagon! I'm... I'm speechless."
"Yeah, the Pentagon tends to do that to people," Jack grinned.
"Yes, sir." Connor couldn't stop grinning. Although she'd dreamt of the Stargate since she'd first heard about it, she'd always seen it as a step on the ladder to the Pentagon. The place where the real power lay. And now, she was going. "I've just got to go and clear out my office, sir. I can't believe it."
"Nor me, Major. But," Jack approached her and laid a hand on her shoulder, "it couldn't happen to a more deserving person."
"Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me."
"I hope you'll be really happy there, Major," Daniel offered.
"I'm sure I will be, Dr. Jackson. Thank you. Anyway, I've got to go."
"See you later, Major." O'Neill felt almost affectionate towards her now that she was actually going. He shut the door behind her and turned back to Daniel. "We gotta celebrate tonight. I've already told Teal'c."
Daniel grinned again. "I'm looking forward to it."
Mary Lou packed her box happily. 'The Pentagon!' She laughed to herself as she placed Sam's naquadah reactor in the box, then realised that she didn't quite have room for her 573 different varieties of herbal tea. Packing her favourite ones, she left the others on the desk, then paused. She knew what she should do with them.
Daniel looked up as yet another knock on his door interrupted the translation he was attempting to get through. "I'll be there in a minute, Jack."
The door opened. "It's not Colonel O'Neill, Dr. Jackson, it's me."
Daniel looked up. "Major?"
"I just... I know that we didn't get off to a very good start, but I hope that you'll accept these in the spirit in which they're offered."
Daniel looked down as she emptied a box containing 521 varieties of herbal tea onto his desk.
"I hope you get to like some of them."
Daniel forced himself to smile. "Thank you, Major. I'll certainly give some of them a go."
She smiled widely. "That's all I ask, Doctor. Well," she held out her hand, "it was a pleasure working with you."
"Thank you, Major. And you." Daniel shook her hand and watched as she left, then looked down at his desk. 'What am I going to do with all these?' A thought occurred to him and he smiled.
Hours later, the game was almost over, the pizza had been finished and Jack (being a good host) was offering beer or coffee to his guests.
"It's not still that decaf stuff, is it, Jack?" Daniel asked.
"Nah, I binned that stuff. Couldn't stand the taste."
"Great..."
"Yeah, I know. You'll have coffee. Teal'c?"
Teal'c picked up the bottle of coca cola he'd been drinking. "I will remain with coke."
"That's 'stick with', Teal'c," Jack told him, then grinned as Teal'c attempted to understand the difference. "Okay, Daniel, one coffee comin' up!"
Daniel smiled. He listened as Jack crossed the kitchen and heard the cupboard door swing open.
Jack stood in unbelieving shock as 521 varieties of herbal tea rained down upon him. "What the...?" Two seconds worth of thought gave him the answer he was looking for.
He leapt at the doorway and saw his front door swinging shut as one archaeologist made good his escape this time. "Daniel!"
The End.
© Pepper 2001