Dan's Masterclass

"Welcome, my adoring public, to this, my first lecture in the course 'PR, Pouting and Pomposity for Beginners'. Over the next ten weeks, I will teach you all you need to know for a successful stint on reality TV, from getting the right camera angle, to how to flounce amusingly. Now before we start, can we have a roll-call please, starting at the front"

"Um, my name is Shell, and um, I'm really really nice. I think there should be more niceness on TV, I really do. If you don't agree, then, well, um, yes yes, of course, I totally totally agree with you... oh no, I'm feeling really upset now..."

"Yeah yeah! I'm Vic the Slick, they call me the Mechanic, cos I'm good with grease and grime, aka the Butcher, cos I chop you into little pieces man, aka the Assassin, cos I'm a member of a 12th century Islamic sect...no, hang on , that's not right...Does anyone have a hankie? I've got the sniffles..."

"Oh, whatever! My name is Marco, and I am, like, blatantly the funniest person in this room! I am going to be a star, and be in Heat magazine every week, cos I am just so funny and mad, I am so the next Brian Dowling, and it doesn't get better than that does it? Would you like to hear a Disney tune?"

"Hi, I am the famous glamour model Michelle Bass, and you can read about my latest romance with one of the other members of Team Handsome exclusively in OK magazine. No photos please, you'll have to ask my agent first"

" Okay, thank you class, clearly you all have a great deal to learn; luckily for you, you came to the master. Now first things first - why do you want to go on TV in the first place? You will achieve so much more if you have a specific aim before you appear. I mean, why would you belittle yourself with such trash if you didn't want something out of it? As you all know, I am the singer in the hugely successful dance band Icehouse Project - merchandise available at the door on the way out, folks - and I appeared on Big Brother to boost our profile and launch me on a path to international superstardom. Obviously you can't all achieve my amazing level of success, but you might be prepared to settle for a lesser fame, like modelling, or presenting children's TV, that seems to be a popular one. Now, before our next class, I'd like you to think about what you want to gain from your time on TV, and if anyone answers 'I'm just in it for the experience', then please don't bother coming back, this isn't the class for you"
"Now clearly, if you're going to be on television, you want to look your best. The easiest way to do this is to master the art of the pout. It worked for Brigitte Bardot, it worked for Mick Jagger - let's just overlook Leslie Ash for the minute - and obviously it worked for me. It's really quite easy to achieve, though some of you may require a little help from Mr Collagen - just suck in your cheeks and bring your lips forward. Now why don't you all give it a try? On my count - 1,2,3 and pout! Good, again, 1,2,3 and pout! Very good Shell, I think you've got the hang of it! Marco, I know you like being in water, but you don't want to look like a fish! Michelle love, it works better if your tongue is in your own mouth...Okay, not bad for a first effort, by the end of term, you'll all look as gorgeous as me"
"Finally for today, a quick guide on how to Work that Camera. After you have been filming for a while, it may be tempting to forget that the camera is watching, but never let your guard down! Remember, if you do, the public might actually see the real you, and you wouldn't want that, would you? Always know what cameras are watching, and make sure that anything significant you do is nicely framed for them. Now, don't feel the need to be subtle - the public love a character, and the easiest way to appear like one is to exaggerate your actions. Don't stand up when you can flounce up, don't bury a witty comment when you can hammer it home, don't develop a real relationship when a caricature of one is more entertaining. Remember, even though it is called Reality TV, this is not real life. You don't have to see any of these people again, so don't react as you would in the outside world, always think of your image first. If you're not feeling very glam at any time, then simply pull a hood over your head, and no-one will be any the wiser"
"Okay class, that's enough for one day, I hope you've all learned a lot, remember to practice that pouting, and I'll see you next week for lesson two - how to be the voice of reason in one easy step."

Is there a Dan in there?

A grey overcast sky. Below it a flat, featureless landscape. There seem to be some buildings in the distance, but their outline is hazy. Some people are scurrying around with no apparent purpose, their faces expressionless. Time seems to stand still, a forced and unnatural stasis permeating the atmosphere.

If you listen very carefully, it is possible to hear the distant sound of laughter, but it is unclear where it comes from. Gradually, the sound gets louder, seemingly disembodied and rising above the clouds.

In the blink of an eye, the scene has changed entirely, as a bustling and chaotic carnival appears. Narrow streets are filled with gyrating bodies: singing, dancing, laughing, smiling. Party music can be heard from all directions, the different rhythms coalescing into a new, alluring sound. Incandescent colours fill the sky above, and a feeling of euphoria begins to take hold.

Just as quickly as it appeared, the party scene is gone once more, as the drab nothingness engulfs once more. Although only just experienced, the party scene seems more like a distant memory, a secret glance at a hidden world, one which must remain unknown.