I'm standing on a balcony, looking at the view of the Hollywood Hills, and that world famous sign. After my prize-winning portrayal of "Bad Boy Victor" on Big Brother, all the top film people want to meet me: I've got offers for film roles, a cartoon of the adventures of Victor, and best of all, some clever people have seen that I am great at creating characters and want me to develop my own TV show, with me playing every role, just like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor. I'm going to be the biggest star in the world.

I do a bit of practise at being Victor in time for my meetings. First come the vocal exercises: "Do you know who I am", I say repeatedly, trying to sound tougher and more "street" with each repetition.
Then I hunt for my accessories: the pyjama bottoms are a must for that "I'm so cool I don't even have to bother" thing; I choose a hat to hide behind (must remember not to look too intelligent); and finally I need my stick to chew on.

The most important "Victorisms", though, are in the script. I spent ages writing and memorising them before I went into the Big Brother house. I give today's script a final check - think I'll stick a few more "busty babes" in there, that one's always a vote winner.

And now that I'm ready to go, I just have to do a final check in the mirror, make sure I've got the swaggering walk right, and make sure my complete works of Shakespeare is hidden under the pillow.

That's me set now: first it was Big Brother, now for the world!