Nina sits in her living room; a baby in a baby rocker/chair down at her feet. Baby is doing poops. Baby has screwed up reddened face.


Nina: Aw is Baby Rowan doing a poopy doopy!


Next door neighbour; Janice walks in & gives a curious look. Nina is a little embarrassed.


Janice: Too much baby time I see


Janice smiles disarmingly.




Babies have a habit of changing our lives. A habit of changing who we are. They make us look at ourselves differently. We look upon them knowing that we were once that young small & vulnerable. We look at them knowing that one day they'll grow up & think themselves oh so clever & that they'll be full of verve and gusto wanting to prove that they are the greatest :)


Here in England we have a curious little circus; a support network of Mid-wives & maternity units & health visitors, all under the umbrella of the NHS, that wonderful legacy of the 1950's Labour government, that NHS that is always under pressure to cut costs whilst at the same time deliver 1st class health care. The NHS healthier in London possesses a slightly off-hand, we're taking charge, you're in & now you will go here, then you will do this and then go there & then do the other! Still who would fault the team that brought their baby into this world healthily and smoothly? Me! Pompous know it all control freaks. Moving on; we have a mid wife, a gentleman who is knowledgeable and thorough, chirpy and a touch overbearing. Then the horror of horrors! The health visitor! Well with our first son, born in Cambridgeshire, we didn't meet any health visitor. The last time I'd heard the term Health visitor was when my older brother had a string of kids at a young age & he & his partner weren't coping well! The health visitor arrived un-announced, parked awkwardly & wanted to know if we had any dubious foreign diseases due to my wife being Asian! My wife was born in Barnet! I astounded the health visitor by being supportive to my wife & by taking the crying baby, quieting him! The health visitor seemed to determine that my wife & I "went at it like rabbits" & as such offered us an endless array of contraception, the likes of which, I'd not really dreamed about (I'd tried not to think of such things perhaps a truer statement). There's injections that can give you unsightly lumps, implants! How erotic! I wouldn't dare to go near this new cyborg of a wife, perhaps the disgust factor is the measure of success for this society's odd take on contraception!






Baby Rowan & the tale of the lost rainbow dummy


Baby Rowan a tale of two parents


Super Baby Rowan, he's here to save the day

Super Baby Rowan, our rescuer's on his way!

Baby Rowan! The greatest super baby of them all... ever! ... bar none!


Baby Rowan slips out of his KangaRocka, rolls across the floor commando style & surreptitiously is sick in his mum's shoe!

In walks Dad, realising Baby Rowan's on the loose & exclaiming imperatives;

Text Box:

Baby Rowan must always be strapped in securely

Baby Rowan should not be left alone

Baby Rowan...

Well Baby Rowan, Adventure Baby will always

find a way.


Baby Rowan and the legend of the lost Booby!


Rowan felt himself picked up;


"Ooh Booby time" was his thought. But try as he

might, no matter how much sucky face & swift

head side to side movements he made, there was no booby to be found!


It was then he was to hear the monotonous tone of the man with the M on his head and the big nose bone,

Fidget swivel squelchy bum and the curious sound of poppers undone, all at once, all began to sense, the curious smell of the nappy change!





Baby Metal!




Teat seeker!


I’m a teat seeker!

Screaming down the house!

I’m a Teat seeker!

I just need someone to hold me

I just need someone to feed me now!





Babies No more


We care a lot!


We care a lot, about the baby nappies, infacol & vests

We care a lot, about the tumble dryer’ll shrink & stretch the baby vests

We care a lot about the people, we care a lot about you

We care a lot about the people who coo & whee & gleen

Oh how much about our life our thoughts our dreams the NAPPY CHANGE!

Oh it’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it

Oh it’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it

Out of nowhere


She looks sublime & she’s easily the best (match for me)

She came into my life & caused me so much glee


But then you came from out of nowhere

Wohaooo wo oh

You call us your mum & your dad


They’re our names sincere

Cos what names is there?

Don’t know if I’ll let you cry

Our’ names sincere

Cos what names is  there?

& we hurt if you cry!!!!!!!





Baby Rock’n’Roll


Been a long time since we had baby Rock’n’Roll,

Been a long time, been a long time,

but now we’ve got Rowan, Rowan

Rowan Rock and Roll





Adventure baby


Adventure baby’s on his way

Blues & twos all the way

Weaving in & out

The ambulances horn blares out

let us through, adventure baby’s on his way

he’s got to arrive safe

he’s got to get through

Adventure baby, come what may




Danger Dad!


Dad has to go in the lift, but the lift ceiling catches his attention.

The lift ceiling has brightly coloured spots small but very bright lights

Oh no, he looks up is blinded. “Spot blinded”, the lift door opens and;

“Danger Dad” stumbles out, arms flailing in front of him,

the woman thinking he’s making a grab for her screams!

o  h o
r  e o
a     d










Goran the Good takes a trip to see Rowan at G.O.S.H

& we think we may get rained upon; Splosh!

But Goran is good, Goran is strong

Did Goran remember to bring his games along?







Welcome to the playpen


Welcome to the playpen, we’ve got fun & games

We’ve got everything you could want

But we don’t yet know their names

We are the babies & we cry, whenever we want feed

& you can have anything you want, but you’d better not take that dummy from me

In the playpen, welcome to the playpen

& you’ll know about it when we want our feed scream, scream

You just watch me turn green!


Welcome to the playpen

We’ll take it day by day

Learn to live like a baby yeah in the playpen where we play

We are the babies that you’ll find

Whenever we want feed

& if you want your sleep, well mummy

that don’t make much difference to me

in the playpen, welcome to the playpen

I’m gonna scream this house down… good