When you think of Hollywood, what’s the first thing that springs to mind? Glitz, glamour, celebrity? Coke, hookers and sleaze? For me it’s optimism. Only a true optimist would think, after stinkers almost too numerous to count, that a good movie could be made from a video game. Either all that shiny glamour addled the brains of some exec, or more likely he spent the early hours of one LA morning doing one line and whore too many, but whatever the reason, Tecmo’s Dead or Alive franchise now has a movie. Whoopee!

Optimism is contagious stuff though. For one thing the DOA games are a lot of fun, with neat character designs, cool moves and some truly impressive environments all being hallmarks of the series. Then of course there was the ability to increase the, um, bounciness of the scantily-clad female characters’ physical attributes, a feature that led to the not even slightly ironic Xtreme Beach Volleyball spin offs. The movie’s trailer also promised a good time, combining the bloke-friendly elements of hot chicks, martial arts and classic AC/DC. This will be a fine beer n’ pizza movie, the trailer said, to kick back with on a Friday night. And really, when the only thing your movie has to do is show bikini-clad babes fighting in slow-motion, that’s hard to screw up, right? Right?

One of the problems inherent in turning a two-person beat ‘em up into a film is the sheer number of characters one has to cram into the flick. You could go down the route of the only successful attempt thus far, Mortal Kombat, and limit yourself to just a few key characters. Or you can tread the more unfortunate path of Street Fighter, concocting a bullshit script to create new and ridiculous relationships between the disparate combatants. Sadly DOA: Dead or Alive takes the second approach.

The film opens in the palatial, er, palace of a Japanese ninja clan, where current leader Princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki, 2 Fast 2 Furious and the truly execrable D.E.B.S.) is planning to leave. Her brother Hayate (Ngai Sing, Fearless) disappeared after being invited to the previous year’s DOA tournament, and Kasumi is determined to find him even if it means dying in the process. Which it may very well do, because if she leaves her people plan to track her down and kill her as a shinobi.

Except, that is, for Hayate’s best friend Ryu Hayabusa (Kane Kosugi, Godzilla: Final Wars) who has a thing for Kasumi. His reluctance is more than made up for by Hayate’s girlfriend Ayane (Natassia Malthe, Elektra), who is strangely eager to rub Kasumi out. Kasumi escapes by wire-fu running over the backs of her ninja army, leaping over the wall of her familiar-looking Asian temple and paragliding to safety. Because all ninja princesses naturally keep a concealed glider and xtreme sports outfit under their robes. It’s like Zhang Yimou’s Hero directed by McG.

Our next contestant is Tina (Jaime Pressly, Torque). A former wrestler who quit because it was ‘too fake,’ Tina’s only problem is her dad Bass (real wrestler Kevin Nash), also in the tournament. Then there’s ‘assassin and master thief’ Christie (Holly Valance from Australian soap Neighbours and a brief pop career), fresh from almost-but-not-quite flashing her tits while escaping from the cops. Valance must have seemed an obvious choice for a role featuring her naughty bits obscured by both a special FX towel and bullet-time bra, given that her one hit record had a video where Holly’s modesty was only protected by some flashing CGI lights. Incidentally the reason it was a hit is the canny record company put the video on the CD single, clever buggers.

The last contestant of any note is Helena Douglas (Sarah Carter, K-9: P.I.), an annoyingly perky blonde who rollerblades in her bikini a lot. Helena is daughter of the late Fame Douglas, founder of the DOA tournament who died mysteriously - which of course had nothing to do with Fame’s best friend and current tournament boss Dr. Victor Donovan (Eric Roberts!). When not wearing a sign that says “I’M THE BAD GUY, IDIOTS!” around his neck, Donovan employs a computer geek called Weatherby (Steve Howey, Supercross) to monitor the fighter’s physical responses. Weatherby has a serious crush on Helena, but it’s not at all obvious how things will turn out between them. No really, it isn’t.

So the tournament gets under way on a generic Asian island (just like Enter the Dragon, honest), and all the recognisable fighters from the game are finished off in about two seconds. The only interesting (for a given value of interesting) bits are Kasumi fighting the guy who supposedly killed her brother, and realising there’s no way he (the guy) could have won. The inevitable beach volleyball scene comes and goes, and Kasumi fights Ayane in a familiar green bamboo forest from another recent martial art house hit, except in this version the combatants have fewer clothes on. House of Flying Slappers, if you will.

Oh, did I forget the subplot about Christie’s boyfriend Max (Matthew Marsden, Brit soap Coronation Street and Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid) making it to the island to search for Donovan’s millions? I did? There’s a subplot about Christie’s boyfriend Max making it to the island to search for Donovan’s millions. The only thing we learn from this is that it’s possible to ‘muddle through’ a lethal no-rules kung fu tournament with no martial arts training.

Anyway, Christie finds the location of the money by beating Helena (don’t ask), but before the final quartet of Christie, Kasumi, Hayabusa and Tina can fight, Donovan twirls his invisible moustache and takes them all prisoner. He downloads Weatherby’s data into a pair of hi-tech sunglasses that gives the wearer the martial arts skills of the last four fighters. Yes, this movie just ripped off Joe 90.

Donovan now faces the ‘Ultimate Test;’ a fight with Hayate, who’s been locked in the basement for a year for this very purpose. Suddenly the reason this movie was made becomes clear - at long last we get to see Hong Kong semi-legend Ngai Sing go toe-to-toe with that guy from Best of the Best. Meanwhile Weatherby has spilled the beans on the scheme to Helena, and they race to the rescue. Ayane also jumps in to help once she realises her boyfriend is alive, and after a recreation of the climax of Once Upon a Time in China that’s every bit as bad as the one in The Musketeer, the island blows up and the good guys escape. Donovan meanwhile has learned a valuable lesson; never build your secret martial arts weapon into something highly likely to get knocked off in a fight.

DOA: Dead or Alive was never going to be anything more than dumb fun, but the filmmakers somehow forgot the fun part. I’m a forgiving soul when it comes to hot babes kicking ass, but they screwed that up too. The principal females all being model-turned-actresses leaves a charisma vacuum that could suck in a black hole, particularly Devon Aoki. Aoki has somehow overcome the twin obstacles of a face that looks like it hit a wall at speed and the acting range of a can opener to build a successful film career. I wish I knew how, so I could have it stopped. The others are a little better, the standout (such as she is) being Jaime Pressly, who at least seems to remember what acting is. As a former and suitably ashamed Neighbours addict I carried something of a torch for Holly Valance. This film snuffed it out.

Good fight scenes can often redeem even the crummiest action fare, at least they can if you happen to be me. Since I am me, I could have stomached the film a lot better if all of the fights hadn’t been such total tosh. The action is MTV edited in what seems to be an attempt to cover up the inadequate skills of the leading ladies, though for some reason this is extended to real martial artists like Ngai Sing, Robin Shou (in a small cameo) and Kane Kosugi (son, as I’m sure you know, of Cannon ninja film stalwart Sho Kosugi). Oh, and Eric Roberts’ stunt double is fooling nobody.

What’s even more depressing is the identity of he guy responsible for this tripe; Hong Kong action legend Cory Yuen Kwai. Yuen has had a tremendous career as a performer, choreographer and director, so it’s sad to see him reduced to this. I’m not altogether sure what happened, since Yuen managed to add decent action to thinly-plotted movies like the Transporter films and Jet Li’s recent Hollywood output. Not only that, Yuen’s film So Close took similarly-unskilled model/actress/whatevers and turned them into decent fighters in a flick that was otherwise disappointing, but at least had some cool fight scenes.

But what of the essential jiggle factor? Well, models are by and large skinny, and thus lacking in the insane bouncing cleavage of the game. Jaime Pressly comes closest to looking like her game counterpart, but Aoki looks more like game-Kasumi’s 11 year old brother. Not surprising I guess, since nothing short of casting Kate Winslet and Scarlett Johansson would have contributed the kind of movement available in the game. Hmm, just thinking about that is more enjoyable than this movie... Oh, er, talk amongst yourselves, I’ll be back in a minute. Meanwhile DOA: Dead or Alive is sure to be joining Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Street Fighter in a 99p bin near you soon.

Dave Thomas, 13^th February 2007