It's been a fair while since this humble and badly designed website featured the work of one Jean-Claude Camille François Van Vaerenbergh, better known to the World as Jean-Claude Van Damme. Having previously examined the Muscles from Brussels’ tendency to appear in multiple roles in his films, I thought it might be interesting to check out a movie where he pulls a different kind of double duty. 1996’s The Quest was Van Damme’s directorial debut, in a film that goes for a more adventuresome, family feel than his usual fare (though the martial arts scenes still gained it an 18 certificate here in the UK). Looking back to The Quest now seems apt since Jean-Claude is about to release his second film as director, The Eagle Path. Forewarned is forearmed, right?

The film begins in a bar, as we find Van Damme in old-age prosthetics that make the ‘old McCloud’ from Highlander II look polished in comparison. After Van Damme the Elder sees off some street punk robbers, the barman asks him where he learned to fight. The camera pushes in slowly as Jean-Claude Van Old looks wistfully into the middle distance, letting us know that we’re in for a feature-length flashback. Back in 1920s New York, Van Damme (character name Christopher Dubois) was a clown. I’ll give you a minute to process the ‘what do you mean, was?’ that inevitably just popped into your brain. All done? OK, good. Where were we? Oh yes; Dubois is a clown/street performer/hustler who looks after a bunch of pickpocket orphans.

The gang is at the mercy of the local cops, who are all of the stereotypical Irish variety: “so yer Jean-Claude Van Damme are ye? Aye, and I’m Conan the Barbarian, tatah tatah tatah!” The gang also suffer abuse from a mafia guy (Louis Mandaylor from TV’s Martial Law). After Dubois’ stilt-juggling act is interrupted by the police (cue scene poorly ripped off from Ninja in the Dragon’s Den) one of the urchins steals some of the mob’s money. The mafia shoot up the urchins’ hideout, because nothing says EVIL like gunning down little kids with a tommy gun. Fearing he will be blamed, Dubois flees, vowing to return when he’s made enough money to get the kids off the streets. See, Dubois was abandoned by a nasty old woman when he was a child, so he has a real connection with these orphans. Too bad we never see them again for the rest of the film.

One thing to watch out for during this New York sequence: the giant old-timey Coca Cola billboard. Maybe it’s historically accurate, I couldn’t say for sure, but it definitely reminded me of the 19^th-century website advertising spoofed in State and Main.

Dubois hides on a ship which turns out to be full of nasty, slanty-eyed yellow peril stereotypes. They chain him up and make him work as if he’s some kind of, oh, stowaway or something. Just in case we don’t get the message, Dubois discovers the Asians are smuggling guns. But suddenly the ship is attacked by another vessel, one commanded by ‘Lord’ Edgar Dobbs (English national treasure Sir Roger Moore) and his sidekick Harry Smythe (Jack McGee, TV’s Rescue Me). Dobbs and Smythe are con artists and scoundrels, and seeing Dubois fighting against his captors they spot an opportunity for profit. They drop Dubois off at a training camp on Muay Thai Island, where he’s bought as a prospective fighter by a master called Khao (Aki Aleong).

6 months later in Bangkok, Dobbs meets a cute newspaper reporter, Carrie Newton (Janet Gunn, TV’s Dark Justice and Silk Stalkings). She’s in Thailand looking for a big story, so Dobbs takes her to see a Muay Thai fight. They bump into Khao, who is there with his new fighter, who of course is Dubois. The angry Dubois confronts Dobbs and demands his help: there’s a secret martial arts tournament coming up and the prize is a solid gold dragon. Dubois needs Dobbs to buy him back from Khao, and then they can find the tournament. Dubois will use the profits to help out the orphans back in New York. But since Dubois doesn’t think he can win fairly, Dobbs suggests they steal the dragon instead. Newton decides to tag along as this sounds like a great story, and also because she’s the only female character.

In order to find the tournament, Dubois and co. pose as valets for American boxing champ Maxie Devine (James Remar, The Phantom), who has been invited to compete and has a map. After some travelogue footage and a rumble with some alleged Mongols who appear to have escaped from a Manowar video, Maxie figures out he’s being conned. He confronts Dubois and they start fighting, but after taking one punch Maxie decides Dubois is far more badass than he is, and hands over his map on the spot. I guess that’s what you get for having a name that sounds more like a burlesque artist than a boxer. When they arrive at the tournament the judges permit Dubois to compete, but if he loses the first round Maxie will have to stay in their lost city forever.

The tournament begins, as fighters from various countries face off in brief and unconvincing bouts of kickboxing. Who knew 1920s Europe was so full of martial arts masters? Spain, France, Greece, Turkey and even Scotland all manage to field their champions. The Scottish kickboxer is played by Hong Kong movie heavy Mike Lambert (Black Mask), who wears a kilt just so we know he’s definitely Scottish. To further avoid confusion, the Scot’s trainer sits on the sidelines wearing a tam o'shanter and shouts things like “och aye!” and “hoots!” Also worthy of note is the Chinese fighter, who uses a variety of animal styles. “He's moving like an animal” cries Maxie. “More like a snake,” corrects Dobbs, incorrectly.

Anyway, Dubois wins his first bout against a German fighter (Habby Heske), who has a decidedly Nazi air despite the Nazis not being in power for another eight or so years. I’m given to wonder if there were a lot of German kickboxers with Chinese-character tattoos on their arms back in 1925. Then there’s the leader of the Manowar Mongols, this movie’s nominated Bolo substitute and Evil Fighter, who kills all his opponents. He takes on another student of Master Khao (Jen Sung Outerbridge), who has a little ‘nod in acknowledgement’ moment with Dubois before getting killed, despite them barely being in the same scene during the rest of the movie. I guess something needed to happen so that Van Damme could throw in that slow-motion “NNNNNOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” scream he likes to do when his friend/brother etc. gets killed by the bad guy. To further reinforce this point, the Mongol fighter is played by Abdel Qissi (Lionheart), who is the brother of Michel Qissi, the evil kickboxer who paralyses Van Damme’s brother in Kickboxer.

Dobbs tries to convince Dubois to throw his next bout, his reasoning being that they need the fighter uninjured to help them steal the gold dragon. “I thought this was your quest,” says Dobbs, helpfully pointing out that the movie does indeed have a title that doesn’t particularly refer to anything in the movie. I mean, it’s not much of a quest is it? “As God is my witness, I will aimlessly travel to the Far East and hopefully make some money, or something. I swear it!” In any case, spurred on by Maxie’s encouragement, Dubois refuses to throw the fight and wins instead.

As Dubois somewhat unconvincingly defeats the Chinese kung fu guy in the next round, Dobbs and Smythe try to swipe the dragon using an airship they borrowed from the not-Nazis. Dubois wins but his friends get caught, and are sentenced to death. While in custody Dobbs has a true-meaning-of-Christmas, error-of-his-ways moment, so Dubois asks the judges if he can fight for the lives of his companions instead of the dragon. Hey, fuck the orphans, right? So Dubois goes into battle against the Mongol in the last round, to fight for the honour of the USA, the lives of Dobbs and Smythe, for revenge over the death of that Thai guy (Dubois is wearing his bloodstained mongkol headband), truth, justice, possibly puppies and kittens, but definitely not orphans.

After Dubois wins, he leaves with his friends but no dragon. Helpfully there’s a voiceover that lets us know he went back to New York and got the kids off the streets, and they all did just fine. Sadly we never see the barman’s reaction to this long-winded response to his question, but I like to think it was “huh. You could have just said ‘Thailand.’”

The Quest came at a transitional time in Van Damme’s career. In the four years leading up to its release, the Muscles from Brussels had enjoyed his most successful period, with the likes of Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Timecop and Sudden Death all making decent money at the box office (it’s probably better we don’t talk about Street Fighter). But The Quest, Van Damme’s big debut as a director, was beset with problems from the beginning. The script was initially written by controversial martial arts figure Frank Dux. Dux had made a number of claims over the years to help promote his ninjitsu system, Dux Ryu. These were either shown to be inaccurate (Dux claimed he had seen action in the Marines, when in fact he'd only been a reserve) or impossible to verify (Dux said he'd worked for the CIA; that he'd been trained as a ninja by a Japanese master; that he'd won a secret martial arts tournament called the Kumite).

It was this latter claim that formed the basis of Bloodsport, Van Damme's breakthrough film where he portrayed Dux. Dux had an agreement with Van Damme to write a script for a movie called Enter the Kumite, which would have a similar plot to Bloodsport but with a larger budget. Financial problems with the company making the film meant that an agreement was never signed between Dux and Van Damme. While Dux was receiving treatment for a brain tumour, Van Damme had another writer re-work the script into The Quest. Having recovered, Dux complained to the Writers Guild of America and was awarded partial credit on the film. He later sued Van Damme, and lost.

As for the script itself, it certainly feels like something written by a guy adept at martial arts and self-promotion rather then screenwriting. It throws in all of the same beats from Bloodsport with a few other half-baked ideas to produce a whole that is never really satisfying. Moore, Remar and McGee serve very little purpose beyond padding the running time, while the reporter girl (a Van Damme movie staple) is even more pointless here than in Bloodsport. The fight scenes are too few and too brief, and what seems to be an attempt to out-bloodsport Bloodsport leads to some unintentionally hilarious moments (a kickboxing Scotsman? Really??). It also suffers from the attempt to make a more family-friendly movie. Sure, I’m happy that we didn’t suffer the usual Van Damme naked ass shots, but a sex scene or two would have been nice. It’s not as if the female lead does anything else; in fact the closest thing to a love interest for Van Damme is James Remar. The latter is as wooden here as he is in everything else. To be honest if you’re looking for a reason to see the film, I can’t really think of one, unless you’re a Van Damme or Roger Moore completist.

I will concede most willingly though that Roger Moore is awesome. Sure, he may not be the best actor in the world (and he’s the first to admit it), but he is a proper old-fashioned movie star. And since I gave up any credibility as a film fan years ago - probably on the basis of this very admission - he will always be James Bond to me. He was the first Bond I ever saw, when as a child I was allowed the rare privilege of staying up late for the opening half-hour of Live and Let Die’s TV premiere. I recall the event gaining an added frisson because Paul McCartney, singer of the theme tune, was arrested the same day for possession of what my Dad explained was a ‘special cigarette.’

Moore was also in the first Bond film I saw in its entirety, The Spy Who Loved Me. This one remains my favourite of the series, and not just because it features Caroline Munro in a skimpy bikini - though Caroline’s curvaceous presence certainly doesn’t hurt. In fact if you’re a producer and you want me to look at your movie sympathetically, throwing a bikini-clad Caroline Munro into the mix is definitely a step in the right direction. Frankly, Caroline Munro in a bikini made of space vinyl is the single element of Starcrash that the filmmakers - and I use the term in its loosest possible sense - managed to get right. The Quest could definitely have used Caroline Munro in a bikini, even though she’d have been in her mid-forties when the film was made. Hell, I’ve met her twice over the last couple of years, and even though she’s now in her late 50s, she’s still looking good. For Your Eyes Only falls down on the ‘Caroline Munro in a bikini’ front (er, as it were), but otherwise is a fine film and the first Bond I saw at the cinema. The underwater sequence, where Moore and Carole Bouquet are chased by the scary diver and claw-equipped mini-sub, scared the crap out of me back then. I may even have dropped my vanilla ice-cream tub and Kia-ora orange drink.

I’ll tell you something else about Roger Moore. Earlier this year, the BFI held a month-long series of events in honour of Albert R. ‘Cubby’ Broccoli, producer of the Bond films and many other movies. For those who don’t know, BFI stands for British Film Institute. Through their screenings and festivals, DVD and cinema releases, books, education services, the BFI National Archive (the biggest collection of moving image material in the world) and National Library (similarly the world's largest collection of information on film and TV), the BFI is our premier organisation for promoting and protecting Britain’s film heritage. What I’m trying to get across here is that a retrospective at the BFI is a really big deal. Anyway, over the month a huge array of Bond film talent appeared on stage to discuss their careers: directors, composers, designers, stunt people, producers... and one actor who had played Bond. One. Can you guess who it was? I’ll give you a clue; it wasn’t Sean fucking Connery.

In his autobiography My Word is My Bond, Moore says a couple of times that if he can’t think of anything nice to say about somebody, he’d rather not say anything. Therefore the section on The Quest is remarkable in its brevity. What is obvious from the short entry is that Moore didn’t think much of either Van Damme or producer Moshe Diamant, giving any credit for the film actually getting finished to second unit director and exec producer Peter MacDonald. Perhaps it's no surprise then that Moore phones in his performance, letting his charisma do the minimal work required to outperform James Remar, Van Damme, Jack McGee and the talent vacuum playing the girl reporter. It also explains why the direction of the film is so nondescript, no better or worse than any other Van Damme film of the period.

Perhaps these problems were an omen, because The Quest effectively marked the end of Van Damme's theatrical career. Apparently buoyed by the success of the John Woo-directed Hard Target, Jean-Claude pursued projects with other ‘name’ Hong Kong directors. First there was Ringo Lam’s Maximum Risk, which I recall mainly for the trailer. Back when I was a student at Sheffield Hallam University, my girlfriend and I used to visit the local cinema often. The trailer for Maximum Risk played before every film shown at the Sheffield Odeon for something like 18 months as release dates came and went, before the flick finally limped out and swiftly disappeared.

Jean-Claude followed up Maximum Risk with the shockingly poor one-two punch of Double Team and Knock Off, which paired him with basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman and comedy antichrist Rob Schneider respectively. Both films were directed by Once Upon a Time in China genius Tsui Hark, who has struggled to shake the stink of death from his career ever since. I honestly don’t know if either film got a theatrical release: I’m pretty sure that here in the UK both went straight to DVD, in those weird oversize CD cases you occasionally got when the format first appeared. From then on it was direct-to-DVD all the way, with the minor exception of the shockingly horrible Universal Soldier: The Return. The latter was released in cinemas in 1999 and promptly took a complete caning at the box office. Van Damme continued his DTV run until last year’s self-aware festival hit JCVD, where he played a version of himself: a down-on-his-luck action star with tax and family problems that loses plum roles to Steven Seagal.

With a little goodwill still lingering from JCVD, I’m curious to see what Van Damme will do next. Not very curious, I admit, since you can only see so many Van Damme films before you start to look around for a more productive use of your time, like collecting old toenail clippings or stabbing yourself in the face. On the List of Things I’m Curious About, Van Damme’s next move is a loooong way below ‘I wonder what Scarlett Johannsen looks like naked.’ It’s not even above ‘I wonder what Ann Coulter looks like naked’ (there are bat wings and hooves, presumably, and a 666). On reflection, it seems that most of my list is devoted to wondering what famous people look like naked. The internet does what it can of course, but there are still a shocking number of actresses and singers who know how to get out of cars wearing underwear, or have somewhere safe to keep their homemade sex tapes.

Anyway, since Scarlett’s clothes refuse to spontaneously fall off no matter how hard I wish (and I assume Coulter’s are permanently burned onto her white-hot demon exoskeleton), let us take a moment to ruminate on Van Damme’s future. He has a couple of movies due out this year, one being Universal Soldiers: The Next Generation. I’m vaguely excited about this one, but mainly because it sees Dolph Lundgren return to the series, and Dolph at least seems like a decent guy. Then there’s The Eagle Path, which I don’t know too much about beyond Van Damme directing it, but the trailer makes it look terrible. Really, really terrible, in fact: Derailed terrible. Looking at the quality of the production (or rather, the lack of it) in the trailer, I expect this one is also bound for a ‘DVD premiere.’

But I doubt Van Damme is too worried, since the things sell well enough to DVD collectors (me) and idiots (also me) to keep him churning them out. And in his defence, compared to Seagal, Van Damme still seems to be in good shape, does much of his own fighting and is capable of looping his own dialogue. And while Universal Soldiers seems destined to cash in on the ‘old action stars make comeback in movies about being old action stars’ trail being blazed by Sly Stallone and Mickey Rourke, I’m not sure the world needs Van Damme back in theatres. Do we really want to see that ever-expanding lump on his forehead blown up to fill a 40-foot screen?

Dave Thomas, 7^th July 2009