Thanks to the difficulties of trying to track down a long-deleted American VHS copy of Sorceress, I didn’t get to review it earlier in this series. Which is a shame, because if nothing else the movie is notable for its celerity; producer Roger Corman managed to get it into cinemas before Conan The Barbarian was even released – an ingenious trick that he also managed with Carnosaur, releasing it right before Jurassic Park came out. The movie also marks the beginning of a long series of cheap barbarian movies that Corman produced, usually in South America on the same few sets. This pantheon would eventually include the seminal Deathstalker series and the Barbarian Queen films, movies that still show signs of influence today: Deathstalker was remade in 2002 as Barbarian (by Corman) and Barbarian Queen was cited as a source of inspiration for Xena Warrior Princess (by Corman).

But the genesis of Sorceress is a mite harder to pin down. Sure, it’s a fairly obvious Conan knock-off but I’m curious as to who had the idea of replacing a monosyllabic giant with a pair of hot Playmate twins. Director Jack Hill perhaps, possibly the reason why the blaxploitation and women-in-prison stalwart decided to make the film under an alias (Brian Stuart). Writer Jim Wynorski, who would later add Deathstalker II to his repertoire of suck, might have been the one responsible. More likely, perhaps, was it being Corman’s idea, the veteran producer having a keen sense of knowing what the audience wanted - at least as long as what they wanted didn’t include decent acting, competent action scenes or anything approaching a coherent plot.

Regular readers will know of my fondness for relating whimsical anecdotes to pad out add some context to these reviews. Sorceress was a movie I first saw in the Great VHS Barbarian Splurge Of The 1980s. It stuck in my mind much more than many of the other knock-offs, for various reasons. Some of these we’ll touch on later, but the most significant in the mind of the adolescent Beggar was the sudden realisation of the, erm, possibilities presented by a pair of hot, naked twins - something I’d very much liked to have touched on later. Many years later I mentioned the movie on a thread over on the B-Movie Message Board, prompting the good Dr. Freex of the Bad Movie Report to check out the flick for himself...

It’s to Freex’s eternal credit that I didn’t make an enemy for life in the process. You can check out the resulting review here, while at the same time noting the entirely coincidental similarity between the screen caps on his page and this one. I was surprised at the sheer level of venom that Freex directed at the movie, I having remembered it being rather fun. So I determined, despite the film’s scarceness these days, that any round-up of barbarian movies simply had to include this one.

So we begin with some exceedingly familiar music. Yep, it’s a Corman fantasy production, so that means it must be James Horner’s score from Battle Beyond The Stars - as featured in such classic productions as Deathstalker 3, Barbarian Queen, Space Raiders, Andy Colby's Incredible Video Adventure and, yes, even Battle Beyond The Stars itself. The music eventually resolves into a night-time scene of a woman fleeing the usual low-rent soldiers on horseback. The woman is the wife of evil sorcerer - and apparently ruler of wherever the Hell this is set - Traigon (Roberto Ballesteros), who wants to sacrifice his newborn child to the goddess Calgara (which isn’t the stuff they use to clean lime scale from washing machines, but an evil deity who normally manifests as the head of a bit-actor in bad prosthetic makeup). But it turns out that the kid is actually twins, and Traigon needs to know who the first born was for the sacrifice to work properly. In order to find out which one arrived first, Traigon orders his men to torture the poor woman with The Talon, if by ‘Talon’ you mean ‘Freddy Krueger’s glove’ and ‘torture’ you mean ‘stab her repeatedly in the stomach’ - excellent, a form of interrogation guaranteed to kill the subject before they can tell you anything!

Suddenly a tree bursts into flame, signalling the arrival of Krona (Martin LaSalle), a powerful warrior and mystic who used to train Traigon’s men in ‘The Arts’ but now fights for Good. He is able to defeat the soldiers in one of the most badly-lit fight scenes ever filmed, but looks like he may come a cropper thanks to Traigon’s terrifying glowy eyes. Luckily Traigon’s wife is just about alive enough to stab her husband from behind, causing him to turn into a cheap original-series Star Trek effect and vanish. Unfortunately he has three lives, and is destined to return later in the film. Krona decides to pass on his powers to the twins, claiming “they shall be as One,” which involves more glowing Star Trek effects nonsense. Thus the kids will be able to avenge their mother’s death when they are older, but there’s a complication; with her last breath Mrs. Traigon gasps “but they are... Girl children!” in the sort of tone one would normally use to tell someone their dog is, in fact, a potted plant. Anyway, Krona gives the girls to a family of peasants, led by father Dargon (William Arnold). Since Traigon will be looking for twin girls, Krona suggests that they be raised as boys. Gee, I wonder if that will lead to any kind of complications later on..?

Suddenly, it’s 20 years later and some mystical artefact thing brings Traigon back to life - hey, it’s not so ridiculous, they did the same thing in Hellboy and everybody loved that. Let’s just take a moment to have a look at Traigon’s followers, shall we? There’s Khrakannon (Tony Stevens), the general who shouts a lot; Dellisia (Ana De Sade), the sexy-but-evil consort who is also apparently a princess, and is awfully young to be Traigon‘s squeeze if he‘s been gone for 20 years - but again they did the same thing in Hellboy and nobody complained; and finally Hunnu (Douglas Sanders), a guy in a bad ape suit. His name is actually pronounced ‘who knew’ - as in “who knew my acting career would suck so much I’d end up playing the ape guy in Sorceress?”

Meanwhile the twins have grown up to be Mara (Lynette Harris) and Mira (Leigh Harris), who like nothing better than a bit of skinny-dipping. Now, in his review Dr. Freex mentioned that the girls are wearing bathing suits in this scene, but for the life of me I can’t see them and I looked really hard. Um, there’s something there but, how can I put this delicately, I don’t think it’s a bathing suit so much as what occurred naturally in ancient times before the invention of Brazilian waxes. Anyway, observing all this from the shore is Pando (David Millbern), a fawn or satyr or some such. One could argue that Millbern is the only actor in this thing worse off that ape suit guy, who at least had his face hidden. Mira and Mara are perturbed at the curious creature’s rising, um, anatomy, and after first inviting him to come for a swim they kick the crap out of him instead. Fair play to Millbern; I did feel kind of sorry for Pando in this scene, though whether that was because he didn’t deserve a beating or just because he was in the movie, I’m not sure.

Back at the homestead, Khrakannon and more soldiers are busy trying to get the location of the twins out of Dargon and family. There’s even the constitutionally-required rape scene as a couple of soldiers force themselves on the twins’ adopted sister (Ginger Baum), though this isn’t filmed quite as lasciviously as similar scenes in most of Corman’s barbarian movies - it was early days, and he had yet to find the right balance between horrible anguish and naked boobies. The rape also rather handily distracts us from the question of how Dargon managed to convince the twins they are boys when they have an obviously female sibling of the same age. Anyway, Dargon attempts to fight back with a set of Nunchakus, a weapon apparently very popular in ancient times - Conquest had them too. But as the family are slaughtered, the twins finally arrive to lay a little badly-choreographed, undercranked smackdown on the bad guys. Khrakannon, realising that these ‘Two who are One’ could well be the very girls he’s looking for, cries “Get them, and a slow death to the one that harms them!” before adding “Kill them!” a few moments later. Don’t you just hate being an evil henchman when your boss can’t make up his mind?

The bad guys are routed, with Khrakannon wounded and playing dead nearby. At which point Pando shows up again, this time with his Viking pal Baldar of the Mark (Bruno Rey). About the best thing you can say about Baldar is he does sort of look like a Viking, or at least a waiter at a Las Vegas Viking-themed hotel (is there such a thing? If not, there should be). He immediately congratulates the ‘lads’ on their brave fight, which he was apparently standing idly by and watching the whole time. His appearance also explains how nobody has yet realised that Mira and Mara are girls - because in this reality, everyone is incredibly stupid.

It seems that Baldar isn't the only one who was sitting around enjoying the slaughter, because now Krona turns up too. Yes, the mighty warrior was content to let his friends be massacred (and raped, we shouldn't forget raped), in order to show up just in time to fill the twins in on any plot points they've missed. He also gives them the secret password that triggers the end of the film, Vitahl, though alas nobody will think to use it for a good forty five minutes yet. Then he takes his leave of the movie by walking into the family's funeral pyre, and he wasn't the only one contemplating self-immolation by this point.

So off our merry band go to a nearby small town, though it’s altogether possible that this is meant to be Traigon’s big city. Here we meet our hunky hero, Erlik the Barbarian (Bob Nelson). One doesn’t normally associate Michael Jackson mushroom hairdos with Barbarians, and Erlik is a perfect demonstration of why this is the case. Erlik is the sort of guy who cheats at dice, hits on scantily-clad dancers, that sort of thing. Goodness, there’ll be some hilarious consequences when he finds out that the boys are really girls, and no mistake!

Something else about Erlik; he’s dubbed, as is everybody in this film, but I swear he’s dubbed by Richard Battlestar: Galactica Hatch. I could be wrong, but damn, it really sounds like him. Oh, and Erlik does indeed notice that the twins are girls, when they strip off to wash. Confusion... consequences... hilarious... Well, except for the last one.

Remember how everyone in this world is stupid? Well, this makes it really easy for Dellisia to lure Mira and Mara into a trap. Having been captured they are taken to the main square, where The Sacred Test of Magic Whooshing Powder reveals that Mara is the first born. Hooray, now she can be sacrificed, except - what’s this? It’s Erlik and Baldar to the rescue! Booo, that means the movie has to go on longer. I hate Erlik and Baldar.

Traigon is mighty cross that his daughters got away, and so it falls to Hunnu the Monkey Guy - the only underling who hasn’t screwed up yet - to try and capture Mara. His reward will be to do what he likes with Mira. Hunnu is delighted and sets out with his monkey friends to capture the good guys. The next scene, known now and forever as the ‘monkeys with coconuts full of laughing gas’ scene, features - aptly enough - Hunnu and the monkeys attacking the good guys in the forest using coconuts full of laughing gas. Before you can say “how do these guys know which twin is which anyway?” Mara (possibly) and Erlik are captured.

Traigon keeps Mara doped up on some mystical green love potion, while Erlik is to be executed. The method is the time-honoured ‘tied buck naked to a greased pole with a giant wooden spike pointed at your ass’ scheme - ah, how I remember it well from all the movies that had the good taste never to use it. But then it turns out Erlik is of Noble Birth, which means that if he screws Mara, her sacrifice will be even better. Extra-crispy perhaps, or at least a little more piquant. So he gets doped up with love potion number 9 and does the nasty with Mara.

Oh yes. I neglected to mention that Mira and Mara have a telepathic link. In fairness, the scriptwriters mostly neglected to mention it too. What it means is as Erlik gives Mara the damn good shagging that hopefully dispels any remaining notion of boyhood, Mira starts having sympathetic orgasms. One could make a joke about either Pando or Baldar getting the horn, but my natural reserve prevents it (see, they both have horns, and... Hello? Is this thing on?).

Mira and Baldar sneak into the city, where they are intercepted by Traigon’s army. “So it’s a trap, is it?” says Baldar. Really stupid. Some magical jiggery-pokery by Traigon causes Mira and Baldar to fall into the Catacombs beneath the city, much to the chagrin of Hunnu. He was banking on all that hot monkey sex with Mira, but now finds himself screwed over by a higher primate. He snatches up Baldar’s fallen sword and runs away.

Outside the city, Hunnu finds Pando surrounded by frolicking maidens. No, really, he does - I suspect they wandered in from another movie. The two creatures share a moment of “yeah, I’m gonna fire my agent too” solidarity, and Hunnu hands over the sword. Pando then sets off to rally some nearby shepherds, who look just about drunk enough to blindly follow a fawn waving a sword. There are also a large number of goats thrown in for good measure. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of evil wizards like a bunch of random goats.

Deep in the catacombs, Baldar and Mira are attacked by some zombie barbarian warriors (the makeup is actually quite good). Luckily Mira finally remembers the end-of-movie password, Vitahl. She says it, which makes Mara say it too. Thus the nice, warm and fuzzy God Vitahl appears. In fact he’s literally warm and fuzzy, because he’s a big stuffed lion with wings. With things going horribly wrong, Traigon decides to just sacrifice the nearest hot chick, which happens to be Princess Dellisia. I’m not sure how this affects mystical matters, but Calgara (as I mentioned, a disembodied head) appears opposite Vitahl. Maybe if Mara had been sacrificed Calgara’s body would have shown up too.

What I can only laughingly refer to as a celestial battle rages overhead, causing the city gates to fall down and Pando’s army to enter. There they sort of wander around, perhaps looking for the craft services table or (more likely) a way off the set. Still, this is apparently enough to turn the tide of battle against Traigon’s forces. It’s exactly like the charge of the Rohirrim in The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King would have been if instead of millions of dollars worth of CGI, all they had was some drunk Mexicans and a herd of goats. Mira and Baldar also rise triumphantly from the catacombs, along with the zombie warriors who immediately make off with a bunch of sacrificial virgins. "Been buried for a thousand years, you know?" says Baldar. Boy, what this movie lacks in explicit rape scenes it more than makes up for in bestiality and necrophilia gags!

Eventually Erlik kills Khrakannon, Mira and Mara make short work of Traigon and Sucky Aslan destroys the Disembodied Head of Oprah Winfrey. Baldar and Erlik do the inevitable joke about sleeping with both twins because they are the Two who are One, and we have our happy ending. Except for poor Hunnu of course, who didn‘t get to have sex with Mira, but at least he has those laughing gas coconuts to make the lonely nights go by faster...

Despite the movie’s flaws I still had a blast watching it. Most of Corman’s Conan knock-offs are just horribly dull, whereas Sorceress is lavishly, aggressively bad. It’s the sort of movie to make Ed Wood laugh disdainfully. I also found that I liked the same things about it today as I did back then, the things in question being Lynette and Leigh Harris. Don’t look at me like that, there isn’t a guy among you who doesn’t like the idea of making it with twins. There was even a gag about it in Toy Story 2, and that was "a great, IQ-flattering entertainment both wonderful and wise" according to Entertainment Weekly. And unlike Corman’s follow-up Deathstalker, this movie’s plot (such as it was) at least went up to the end of the movie.

So this battered old VHS of Sorceress shall sit proudly on my shelf until Corman gets around to doing a DVD release. I just hope he can persuade Hunnu and Pando to do an audio commentary - maybe they’ll reveal why, given the title, there aren’t any sorceresses in the movie...

Dave Thomas, 26^th September 2004