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by Phil Thornton

Car insurance is not the new rock n' roll. Nor will it ever be. Arranging insurance for your motor is perhaps the single most tedious, frustrating and pointless thing you will ever have to undertake in your tedious, frustrating and pointless life. The insurance industry in general is a massive global capitalist con-trick that connives to protect your car, your house, your business or your life against a whole series of unfortunate or potentially fatal circumstances. You pay them money just in case any of these things happen and when, or if, they do, they firstly attempt to wheedle out of paying you anything at all with all manner of excess and no claims clauses and and, if this fails, pay you an amount marginally  or usually a good deal less than the sum by whicj they'll increase your premium next time round. At its most petty level, it's the arsing around you have to do if some twat drives into the back of you whilst trying to change his CD over. At a more advanced level it's Lloyds and other mega-insurers trying to jib out of paying out legitimate damages to millions of poor bastards by blaming ecological disasters such as tsunamis, earthquakes, floods and hurricanes as 'acts of God'. That's perhaps the greatest get out clause of them all. 'Sorry love, we can't pay you for your house washing away and your dead husband and kids because that hurricane was an act of God.' Insurance is a loaded dice, always loaded in the share holders pockets ofcourse.


So, no matter how they try to sexy up car insurance, it's never gonna work. Take the Godawful AA Team adverts for example. First there was a secretive, almost covert ops style meeting in some sickly tinted corporate HQ. The main man, the M of the operation, was rattling off the things his crack squad of insurers were attempting to offer to their customers. He sounded doubtful, as if these things were so outlandish not to be true, but ofcourse in the end he agreed to his secret agents potentially loss making scheme y'know - a free courtesy car, that kind of thing. Then we got the 40 quid men routine. Some ginger bearded curly mopped muso picks his pal up en route to a gig. He looks like the kind of fellar they dig up in Danish peat bogs with ligatures round their necks. His mate looks like a creepy second hand record stall sex pest. He wants to know who the stiffs on the back seat are but they're not stiffs daddio, they're the AA Team. A bit like the A Team but dedicated to finding tits like these two cheaper car insurance instead of saving America from drug barons, commies and homos. 'Nice maaan', nonce face says convinced that this is indeed...cool! 'Very very nice maaan' sacrifical Celt warrior replies, reminding us fickle viewers of a previous AA advertising catchphrase.


As if these two whoppers weren't bad enough in the 'insurance can be hip y'know' stakes, now we've got mother and child reunion set in the modern day internet savvy, school run, mosher teen age. Smug self-satisfied mum picks up her regulation surly MP3 teenage son, Tom and attempts to tell him how she's arranged for cheaper car insurance 'ON-LINE!' She thinks this will impress him but he's far too immersed in My Chemical Romance, The Klaxons or Hootie & The Blowfish on his i-pod to listen to her. Even when the freak insurance geek reminds her of the full money back guarantee if they find a cheaper quote (aah, that old nugget) Tom appears oblivious. Mum's getting a tad peed off with her son's lack of interest in the nitty gritty of car insurance by now. So pee'd off infact that instead of calling him Tom, she calls him 'Thomas' like the maid in the Tom n' Jerry cartoons. At this Tom turns round to the AA Team and grunts an apathetic 'alright' much to his mum's displeasure.


This is supposed to signal modern mum's dilema at her busy busy 2007 lifestyle where kids need picking up from school and she's mananged to squeeze in new car insurance in order to be able to pick the ungrateful sod up by using some of her valuable free time to book it over the internet. Look love, no wonder your lad thinks you're a boring old frumpy Daily Mail reading maggot if you drive around with a bunch of faceless corporate suits in the back of your motor. Try hooking him up with a few skanky goth girls on a suicide website and then maybe he'll take his fucking earphones out for a minute before he slits his wrists and scrawls ' I Hate You' in blood on your dressing table mirror while you prepare his M&S microwave tea.


The AA Team work on the premise that we all know car insurance is deathly dull business so try and double bluff us with their tongue in cheek 'hip to the gig' smart alec campaigns. Whereas Confused.com just goes for the straight ahead hard sell. Where once there were calls to brokers to make, both the AA and confused.com and even Hastings and Churchill know that these days, the cyber-dollar is the most cost effective and customer friendly. They all offer basically the same product - THEY'LL do all the ringing around. THEY'LL do all the spade work on YOUR behalf...gee thanks! Just fill in one easy form and leave it all to THEM. These forms are always a fucking nightmare if you've ever had an accident in the last 3,000 years ofcourse which is why you now have specialist insurers for 'the careful driver' ie. old cunts who never bang a claim in because they're too shit scared of losing their no claims bonus. Oive got six years. Oive got nine years. Oive got 57 years. It's not a fucking competition you halfwits! These are the type of people who spend weeks on-line looking for the cheapest electricity provider and constantly change over credit cards to avoid paying a few quid interest.


Then there are the Sheila's Wheels type insurance scamsters who work on the premise that females are so dumb that they'll fall for the concept of an insurance policy directed at women drivers only and y'know what? It works. Some women do actually get onto Sheila's Wheels because they really like those annoying antipodean stereotype adverts. Like men who drink XXXX because they tap into that good old Aussie chauvinism, so Sheila's Wheels attempts to hook into women for whom car insurance has always seemed like a male preserve, whreas ofcourse it's just the same bunch of cunts trying to rip them off. What next? Gay car insurance? Pink Wheels perhaps? Look every year I get a letter from my insurance firm telling me how much it's gonna cost me next year. I've had a few bumps in my time and to be honest, I think I'm being ripped off but can I be arsed doing anything about it? Can I fuck!  If they only came out with an insurance policy for irresponsible and lazy drivers who won't ever read a policy or check a single direct debit statement in their entire fucking lives, then I'm right behind it. Or just don't bother with insurance at all and if you ever knock over some mosher twat too busy listening to The Killers, the Kooks or Country Joe & The Fish on his dick-pod to follow his Green Cross Code, then just blame it on bland, career obsessed parents who are more interested in their car insurance than their kids.


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