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Swine Archive

 

 

 

 

September 2010

 

 

What's Eating Martin O'Neill?

By Gerard Houllier

Public Enemy are back playing a one off gig in the indigo o2, O2 arena O2 zone - think that's the dome but I'm not sure. whatever happened to the nation of islam and the black muslims anyway? 911 seems to have scared all those once fearless rappers off.

 

 

What's Your Brass?
 

By Bernie Bostik


 

Right your a 100 grand a week Premiership pigs bladder kicker for a top four club, what type of Brass do you require for those seedy afternoon sessions in the Lowry while your heavily pregnant wags at home fussing around the nursery with some extremely expensive interior designers.

 

Empire Of The Sun

By Phil Thornton
 

Children Of The Sun by Max Schaefer is perhaps the best novel about gay Nazi skinheads I've ever read. OK, that's a pretty niche market yet somehow Max has managed to write a superb debut novel that interweaves the true story of Oi! icon, Nicky Crane

 

 

In Their Own Voices – British Upper Class Novelists

By Phil Thornton

If you believe, as I do,  that the BBC is just another part of the incestuous toff cabal that feeds upon the same myths of cultural unity which sustains the establishment and acts as a state propagandist to uphold the financial cartels underpinning the monarchy and the political status quo , “In Their Own Words; British Novelists” probably made you want to chop off the hands of almost every writer over the past century. 

 

Crab and Punishment

By Snaffles Blue

I noted from the previous messages on the subject of crustations that some felt that the coconut crabs and their ilk are "Terrifying".
I have a tale that will shock and sicken you to your core, and cause you to completely revise your parameters for frighteningly large sea beasts.
 

 

 

Swine Randon iPod Hit List

By Random Blocked

Some tunes for cool kats and kittens...

Soap Scum 

By Phil Thornton

With the recent UK Drug Commission's report on de-stigmatising heroin users by avoiding perjorative words such as 'junkie' and 'addict' perhaps recent episodes of EastEnders and Emmerdale should serve as an example of how negative  perceptions of drug takers are fostered in the mass media.

 

 

Sweet and Tender Hooligan

By Joe Hawkins

You don't half get some shite spouted in those hoolie books...

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back … 

 

By Shaun Smith 

The Swine column written as an alternative to building a scale model of Genoa’s Stadio Luigi Ferrarisout of toilet roll holders, bemoaning the end of ITV’s The Bill and travelling on buses reading the graffiti about Glen Johnson’s B&Q toilet seat affairs ....     

 

   
 

 

 

 

   
August 2010    

Zappa Plays Zappa - Liverpool Echo Arena 

By Ted Knight

It doesn't get much better than this. Dweezil Zappa bringing ZPZ to play at the spiritual home of Zappa in the UK. Get the fuck in.

 

 

The National/Vampire Weekend 

By Alex Workman, July 2010 

After a couple of pre-gig beers in La Passagère and Sirius by the side of the Rhône, we then cross Place Bellecour where the new OL away kit is being launched in some style.

 

Bret Easton Ellis – Imperial Bedrooms 

By Alex Workman 

So, this must be what is meant by pulp fiction …

 

 

 

Who's Buying Liverpool Football Club? The contenders... 

By Steve Comet
 
Sheikh Abdul Bin Dipper Al Maghulli - better known as 'the brass torturing playboy prince of the UAE', Al Maghulli is one of the richest men in his tent and has a life long love of twatting brasses and getting his pals in the FO to cover up for him.

 

Being For the Benefit of Mr Cam

 

By Phil Thornton 

It's come as no surprise that the new Tory government has set its sights on that perennial target of middle english rage; ye olde benefit cheat (or 'thief' as they're now termed).

 

 

Is This England?  

By Phil Thornton

Much as I admire Shane Meadow's commitment to showing working class lives in a neo-realist, engaging manner, the trailer for This Is England 86 soon to shown on Channel 4 makes me wonder if Meadows' East Midlands home turf was stuck in some late 70s sub-cultural chasm.

 

Viva Las Vegas

 

By Elvis the Pelvis  

 

Jeff secreted the 200 or so green tablets up his rectum and then emerged from the toilet cubicle and walked slowly to the door akin to John Wayne walking out of a saloon bar.

 

 

C30, C60, C90 Go! Larks in the Parks

By Carl Linnaeus

Starting in 1979, the Larks in the Parks mainly hosted local talent, many of who went on to bigger things. The first Larks were instigated by a group of like minded individuals who in 1979 had done "guerilla"gigs, playing on the level with a generator in a van for the pa setups in one of South Liverpool’s landmark Victorian Parks, Princes Park on four consecutive Sundays. The Larks were born.

 

What’s Eating Mo Farah

 

By Double European Gold Medal Winner Mo Farah

 

Hampton Court flower showNow I know this is England and flower gardens are a English as warm beer and shit summers but honestly, is there any need to devote an entire weeks telly to this middle class drivel.

 

   
     
     
July 2010    

By Shaun Smith

The Swine column still struggling to come to terms with the removal of the Cockneys Die graffito from the wall approaching Edge Hill station, being unable to play Spear of Destiny’s Liberator on the vuvuzela and seminal Jimmy Nail vehicle Spender not being available as a box set dvd collection ....

 

  What's Eating JT and Stevie G
By Todd Lidl
 
 
Stephen Fry on Wagner. Yes, the nations favourite ‘intellectual’ 
explores his passion for controversial composer Richard Wagner and in 
the process attempts to salvage the music he loves from its dark 
association with Hitler's Nazi regime. 

 

Laurie Cuningham is a black c**t

By Shaun Smith

 

Twenty-one years ago this month saw the untimely death of a sublime footballing talent who became the first English footballer to sign for Real Madrid.

 

 

Spin Spin Spun Spun

By Phil Thornton

Zac Freeman is a 19 year old from Stockport who produces what he terms 'ambient satire.' Combining fractured electronica with cut n' paste interviews of politicians and other jokers (Cliff Richard doing death metal, the Chuckle Brothers breaking and entering) and placing them into a disorientating, queezy context, Freeman's films make their point without being simple polemics.

 

FLAGS OF CONVENIENCE

By Phil Thornton

As an internationalist (OK that's the polite way of saying Trotskyite), I hate all displays of nationalism, whether that's English, Irish, American, Russian or South African. I hate flags and national anthems and I hate international sports events. The Olympics? Never watch it. The World Cup?

 

 

World Cup Blues

By Chopper Van Bommel

Ok I admit I’m a big kid when it comes to the World Cup so that’s why 
I find it hard to slag it off. Even though I know full well the event 
is a massive cash cow and you don’t need to scratch very hard on its 
surface to realise it represents everything that’s wrong about 
football. 

 

Do Chips Come With That?

by Andrew Vaughan 

It's the summer of 1980 and the Islington Five are about to become "Sunseekers". It's the era of cheap package tours, Benidorm piss-ups and Freddie Laker's cheap jaunts across to America. Inexplicably we decide to go to the South of France and by coach. Fuck knows why but I assume it had something to do with the lad that was organising it having a thing for all things French.

 

  Kavos 2001

by Liam Ronan 

Kavos 2001. That particular location and year will forever stick in my mind as it was not only my first holiday away without an adult; but it was also the first holiday I came back whiter and spottier than when I had left.

 

 Do You Remember The First Time?

by Phil Thornton

It was 1984 and I'd had a proper job for about six months and had just been up on quite serious charges of assaulting a bizzie and criminal damage after booting in the light of his car. I somehow got away with a fine and was bound over but my mate, who I was attempting to rescue from some nobhead bizzie who was kneeling on his throat while trying to arrest him, got stuck down.

 

  The White Horse Caravan Park

by Terry Farley

The White Horse Caravan Park Selsey Bill seems in retrospect a strange destination for a bunch of teenage wanna bee soul boys, mind you this is a time when air travel really was something you watched that Whicker geezer do on the tele, shleping about some Moroccan casabah dressed in a white linen suit and sporting a panama hat while buying huge carpets and hubble bubble pipes.

 

Abergele Next Time

by Gid McClean 

“Don’t worry, I can speak Spanish”, said Clive, unconvincingly, as the Magaluf constabulary pulled alongside us, and gestured at us to get into the car. He may have done GCSE Spanish, but this was not the time for asking the way to the town hall, and the unimpressed Spanish busie sneered at Clive’s attempt to diffuse the situation, twatting him round the head for added measure. The busie pointed to the car, and I slid into the back-seat of the fearing the worst as we were driven off to the station.

 

  Si Si Je Suis Un Scally

by Dave Richards

Summer 1982. Me (aged 16 going on 17) and two other lads (aged 18. One tent. One giant "2 Para" aluminium frame rucksack each. One Inter-Rail ticket each, destination St Raphael, South of France for a fortnight camping in Antibes. I dunno why we were going to Antibes, I think one of the other two had been before. Don't remember much about getting there apart from being on the sleeper train from Paris with loads of French schoolys who didn't wanna know us.

 

Destiny's Child 

by John Connolly  

My first holiday with the lads is bizarre tale of destiny. I was 17 and on the dole when my mates booked a two week jaunt in Calella. A few of the older lads had de-camped there at the end of the togger season for a spot of holiday work and a plot was hatched for the others to pop over to visit. I didn’t pay too much attention as, to be perfectly frank, I was green with envy.

 

  Summer - The First Time

by Dave Wiggins 

It was a hot afternoon, the last day of June ‘79, and the pavements were steamin’. Liverpool had won the league, Arsenal the cup, and Forest reigned supreme in Europe. Oh, and Everton, having threatened at one stage to have made a decent fist of the championship race, had finished empty-handed for the 9th season on the trot. Ho hum.

 

Scarborough's Fair

 

by Alan Walls 

 

I’ve followed this theme in the last couple of issues of Swine with a right good giggle on my chops and also a gnawing urge to contribute, but was I qualified to? If I have had a holiday ‘with the lads’, it was my first visit to the Sonar Techno Festival in Barcelona, but that can’t really count, as we were all a reasonably sensible troupe, in our late 30’s and our mission was to enjoy a Techno knees-up, rather than a tarty knee trembler.

 

   
     
June 2010    

Piss Soaked & Para at South Parkway

By Phil Thornton
 
He was wet. Really wet. It was sunny when he left his flat. Hot. Well, warm at any rate. Warm enough for cargo shorts, his Armani flippys and a Lacoste tee, which was all he had time to put on in any case. He was ten minutes into his walk down Allerton Road when the sky went grey, then greyer, then black. Then it started. He dodged under shop fronts at first, making his way down the street from shop to shop, bus shelter to bus shelter. It was no use. After a few minutes he was wet enough to stop giving a fuck.

 

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back …

 

by Shaun Smith

 

The Swine column voted by Four Four Two readers most likely to spend the entire 2010 World Cup at a pro-celebrity tik smoking contest in a Cape Flats township crack den with Candice Swanepoel, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Charlize Theron and a Borussia Monchengladbach away shirt-wearing, toothless gangster called Sunshine Sexwale ……

 

Cockney Reject - Jeff Turner

By Mike Love

Readers of a certain age will no doubt recall 'The Rejects' from back in the day. From out of the mean streets of East London's 'Custom House' barrio, they arrived on the music scene around 1980, and departed not long after, leaving a trail of trashed venues, battered Billies (Bunters = Punters), and myriad court cases in their wake.

 

 

Land Of Hops & Gravy

By Phil Thornton 


I’ve got nothing against cooking programmes per se, infact I’m well into em but The Great British Menu epitomises the narrow minded, culinary parochialism and bigotry that has infected the media during the past decade.

 

Italia 90 Football’s Coming Home? 

By Phil Thornton


It was twenty years ago today. It’s always twenty fucking years ago today though! 20 years since acid house. 20 years since the release of The Stone Roses. 20 years since the birth of ‘baggy’ 20 years since Sgt Peppers, Never Mind The Bollocks, The Two Ronnies, VE Day.

 

 

Moobs, Muffin Tops & Mullets

By Phil Thornton
 
 
‘Moobs! Muffin Tops! Mullets!’ Funny but not half as funny as the advertising agency fuckwits who decided to sell a comedy tour with these three examples of comic genius. Comedy is big business these days and comedians pack out venues as much as musicians.

 

Totally Wired  

By Phil Thornton


It took me till last Christmas to actually plough through all five series of The Wire and once I was hooked, Bubbles had fuck all on me yo! Six, seven episodes one after the other, in one go, box set clucking; close the curtains, get comfy, prepare for six or seven hours of Baltimore blues.

 

 

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS 

By Andrew Vaughan 

Sat in the flat on Muswell Hill Road watching the television. Watching the devastation. Watching the deaths. Then watching the game. The ninety-plus minutes. The European Cup Final and then going the pub before the chippy. Me and my mate Oldham Geoff.  Because back then we always went the pub and often went the chippy.

 

"Man, what are you doin' here?" 

By Andrew Vaughan 

Billy Joel is back in fashion. Well as in fashion as Billy could ever be. He may have married some supermodel and wrote a drippy song called Uptown Girl about it but Billy was never really fashionable.

 

 

EXILE ON MAIN STREET 

By Andrew Vaughan  

There were no Elvis, Beatles or The Rolling Stones in 1977. There weren't any in 1987 but by 1997 I was faltering…

 

"BY THE TIME WE GOT TO BICKERSHAW WE WERE 60,000 STRONG" 

By Andrew Vaughan 

It was Friday 5 May 1972 when the Grateful Dead and 60,000 like-minded souls descended on the pit village of Bickershaw near Wigan. Despite fears, scare stories and downright hysteria in certain quarters the festival (that was to prove to be one of the last all-night festivals) kicked off in the usual inclement Wigan weather.

 

 

The Joy Of Six

By Phil Thornton 


6music was the kind of station we'd been trying to convince the radio authority Merseyside needed after Crash FM became Juice FM and JUice FM became just another Radio City lowest common denominator commercial broadcaster. In its earliest years 6music was exactly the digital station that the BBC needed to fend off allegations of dumbing down ts radio 1 and 2 formats since the Matthew Bannister purge fizled out and a new breed of Smashies and Niceys like Moyles and Evans staked their claims in the late 90s.

 

     
May 2010    

Election Section

By Phil Thornton 

I couldn’t wait to vote in my first general election. I’d missed out on the 83 election, when Thatcher was re-elected for a second term whilst bathing in the bloody glow of her Falklands triumph. She didn’t waste any time on settling upon her next enemy; Scargill’s NUM and that dispute more than any other made me realise two things;

 

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back…

 

By Shaun Smith

 

The guaranteed election-free Swine column sat at the bar in the working mens club with dandruff all down the front of its Cerruti 1881 velour tracksuit top after attempting to play the guitar intro to Sammy Hagar’s version of Space Station No. 5 on the paper and comb .... 

 

Mark Linkous

By Andrew Vaughan

 
On 6 March Mark Linkous took a rifle to his heart and broke it for a final time. He was 47.
I have just one album by him - or by Sparklehorse to be precise: Dreamt For Light Years In The Belly Of A Mountain.

 

 

Lost Soul Boys

By Phil Thornton
 
I was always a soul snob me. Guitars? Old hat! Cock-rock obsolete symbols of a karaoke culture. Acid house changed that. As most people were switching from the rock to the dance bus, i was going in the opposite direction, finding something of worth in the music of once discredited dinosaurs such as Led Zep and even - dare I say it - Pink Floyd; hated hippies, proggy pricks.

The Cut

By Phil Thornton 

Up the M56 towards Ellesmere Port onto the M53, up the Wirral towards Wallasey and the Seacombe ferry terminal. Thats when it strikes me; that this journey is itself as interesting as the one I was about to embark upon.

 

 
Ranvir. Lovely Ranvir

By Andrew Vaughan

 
It was serious. Deadly serious. Not an assasination or anything like that because Gordon Burns was still in the studio but it was serious enough for Ranvir Singh to be LIVE (in red letters in top of the screen) on a housing estate in Rochdale.

 

Real Gone Kid 

By Alex Workman 

This Victor Kiam-esque reader enjoyed Swine’s “Vive La France” piece in March so much that he moved country …

 

  'Acoustic Sessions' - St Helens

By Mike Love

What to do in St Helens on a reasonably balmy Good Friday? Well, not a lot, really. T'Sernts were playing (and losing to) big local rivals Wigan, in Rugby League, or Rugby Union, whatever, and there were the usual mainstream releases on at 'Cineworld'. Other than that, though, not a great deal to tempt the artistic palate in the Merseyside hinterland.

 

Exterminate All The Brutes

By SALVIATORE



I get up but don't make it to the light switch. I fall to the floor and curl up in a ball with my head resting on the cool Amtico floor. The coolness of the fake wooden floor boards are a sharp contrast to the feverish burning going on inside my skull.
  Stars on SG49

By Shaun Smith

Tunes ... seeing as no-one else could be arsed last month

Nothing rare, nothing clever. Just the gear ...

 

     
April 2010    

What’s Eating Gilberto Gil?

By Phil Thornton

Every time some kid dies in a ‘gang related incident’ nowadays there’s some fucking Facebook page set up within seconds and a litany of semi-literate eulogies posted up to commemorate the fallen soldier (or innocent bystander caught up in the crossfire depending on whether you’re a tabloid reporter or a family member.)

 

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back…

 

By Shaun Smith

 

The Swine column spotted roaming the streets of 's-Hertogenbosch on a Mossad-donated, cloned Irish passport shouting “E-I-E” through a mouthful of piping hot chips and mayonnaise at passing Japanese tourists and taxis...  

 

 

A Wool in Scal’s Clothing

By Concerned Lancashire  

Growing up. Fitting in. Hard to get your head round at 15 or so. When you’re growing up you yearn for some form of acceptance by your peers. But who are they, our peers? Is it your mates at school, the ones who labelled me a plastic Scouser?

 

 

A Day At The Races

By Eric Marconi

Last year i walked out of Aintree on the friday and vowed that i was never going again. It dawned on me as i stood by the winning post and watched the last of my money finally drag its arse across the line in about tenth place.

 

My Life In Dogs

By Phil Thornton

Buster was me nan’s dog, a collie or what we called a collie anyway. He wasn’t a nasty dog, but he was clumsy always knocking over the domino structures we’d built on the carpet. His long white and black hairs got everywhere. Covered our clothes as we played with the dommies and the crayons and me mam’d go mad, brushing off all the dog hairs and she moaned about that bloody dog.  

 

 

Backyard of Dreams

By John Wright

The story I’m about to tell you is true,  though you’ll never get me  to talk about it, an if you asked any of the other lads involved,  they’ll give you a look like they’ve stepped in Gary Neville, before telling you politely to fuck off.  but if you ever find yourself whiling an afternoon away, in some dingey backstreet ale house, and the drunk in the corner,  the [one with the Iceland bags, bookies pen, an 1990s Kenny Dalglish footy managers jacket]

 

     
March 2010    

Winter In Paris 82

By Phil Thornton 

At a loss what to do after leaving school in the summer of 82, me and my mate Kev decided to enrol on an Art A Level course at Halton College in the glamorous artistic hub of excellence that is Widnes town centre. There we met two young scouse scal-ettes (yup in those days even scal birds were interested in culture not just beauty therapy and wanting to be the next Alex Curran) and I developed a thing for one of them, leading to an embarrassing episode at Christmas when she jibbed me for a young grafter from Garston.

 

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back…

By Shaun Smith 

The Swine column most likely to be seen in a lilac leather box jacket and matching kecks outside Ossett Town home games, politely asking “any spares?” but without feeling the desperation to yodel like Bryan Ferry at the start of Angel Eyes ….

 

Peter Green & Friends - Kendal  

By Concerned Lancashire 

So whilst contemplating the single man’s life again, I got back into my music. Following his morphing of the Animals from a North East England R & B combo to American West Coast psychedelic outfit (complete with electric violin), I settled on Eric Burdon - always a good place to visit.

 

 

What’s Eating Hugh & Lenny What Used To Be In Eastenders 

By Phil Thornton 

25 years of EastEnders and where were me and Lenny eh? No fucking where, that’s where! Two of the most popular and memorable characters in the history of the programme, a genuine ebony and ivory comedy gold double act that kept the nation in stitches for years and all of a sudden it’s Archie Mitchell this and Dirty Den that, Phil and Grant this and Pauline Fowler that, Dot Cotton this and Stacey Slater that

 

Vive La France

By Phil and Various Swinesters

The French eh? Everyone hates the frogs don’t they? Why? Because, it seems, their ‘raison d’etre’ is to piss other nations off, especially the British and the Germans. Stuck in the middle with tu! Yet, for those of us who regard the battle of Waterloo as a defeat not a victory

 

  Stiff Little Fingers - Liverpool Carling Academy

By Mike Love

A rainy night in Lime Street. And Randy Crawford said that, you know. It's comparatively rare that SLF play Liverpool, and it's long been a mystery to me why that should be so. They performed to a rammed Mountford Hall, back in the spring of 1980, and then at the Royal Court (during their brief spell of troubling the Hit Parade) in '82, but, after that (bearing in mind that they also broke up for a while), once, maybe twice, in the 30 or so years since. 

 

Andy Nyman’s & Jeremy Dyson’s Ghost Stories - Liverpool

By Vincent Price

FEAR of death is what causes us to invent tales about the paranormal, claims Prof Philip Goodman in the opening of Ghost Stories. It turns out, however, that there is something far more horrifying than that.

 

  'Closing Time' - The Actors Studio, Liverpool

By Mike Love

Whilst a regular cinema-goer, I can't say that I often grace live theatre with my presence. Indeed, you can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times that I have taken in a play, or show, over the past however many years. Saw that 'Woman in Black', like, which was terrifyingly brilliant, and the Everyman panto is an annual staple in our house, but other than that  . . .  (not really counting my three-line performance as 'Dick', in Breckfield County Primary School's 1973 two-nighter of 'The Stammering Princess').

 

Swine Salutes Captain Phil Harris

By Nick Cravat

For the last few years the best thing on telly by a mile has been Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel which follows the exploits of the crabbing fleet off Alaska in the Bering Sea. 

 

 

THEY OWE POMPEY, POMPEY THEY OWE

By Phil Thornton

The problem facing  football clubs is the same problem facing pubs; there are too many of them and they cost too much to run. So let’s not get all sentimental as the likes of Portsmouth at one end of the scale and Chester at the other face administration because they are symptomatic of a much deeper crisis facing modern football, particularly in Britain.

 

What's Landed On Our Mat?

By Mike Love

A couple of freebies arrived recently, from two of our favourite-bands-of-the moment. Both nicely packaged CD's, despite being demos, and both top quality. The presentation of this new music takes me back to a time when a band would go into a local studio, and emerge with a simple cassette version of their labours, and I must have some old skool stuff, of that ilk, from the 1980's, knocking around the loft. Anyway, on with the music, and first up it's our most favourite band from the South West, 'Tainted Orange'.

 

 

Geog On! Fashion

By Phil Thornton and Gok Wang


Mr Penna was my first geography teacher and he was a freak. He had long greasy hair scraped back behind his ears like Max Wall and wandered off on us on a school visit to Caucescu era Bucharest, leaving us to fend for ourselves as hordes of one legged gypsy beggars tried to suck our blood and rob our decadent western blue jeans.

 

Darkness Descending - The Murder of Meredith Kercher'. Paul Russell, Graham Johnson and Luciano Garofano

By Alan Metcalfe

Only two months after the conviction of Amanda Knox (so-called 'Foxy Knoxy'), her boyfriend Rafaele Sollecito, and their casual associate Rudy Guede, for the killing of Meredith Kercher, a distillation of the murder and subsequent trial has already hit the streets.

 

 

Harvest Sun Interview

By Phil Thornton

Over the past year, Tom and James aka Harvest Sun have become one of the most respected independent promoters in Liverpool, putting on a number of gigs in unusual venues such as St Luke's church (The Bombdy) and the Williamson Tunnels.

 

The De-swine Comedy - Comedy Hell at Lenny's Bar

By Bruce Leonard

Comedy Hell, Liverpool’s new comedy venue is housed beneath the newly opened Lenny’s Smoke Bar and Grill on Sir Thomas Street. IT is Liverpool’s largest and only purpose built comedy venue with its main auditorium accommodating over 200 audience members.

 

The Kadir-Buxton Method

By Ken Clean-Air System

A fellow Swinester prodded me towards the website of a gentleman who is very active on discussion boards around the net. People might call him eccentric - or worse - but I prefer to think of him as an enlightened visionary.

 

Pete Wylie and Friends - Liverpool Zanzibar

By Mike Love  

A fine line-up, for a fundraiser on behalf of 'MOJO'; the 'Miscarriages of Justice Organisation' which, by definition, acts as an advocate for those who have been incarcerated for crimes which (either on the face of it, or in terms of hard evidence) they did not commit.

 

 

I’m New Here – Gil Scott-Heron

By Phil Thornton 

The inside notes for Gil’s long awaited new work advises the purchaser to ‘Listen to it for the first time under optimum conditions. Not in your car or on a portable player through a headset. Take it home.

 

Hayabusa

By Paul Quine 

Hayabusa are a 3 piece alternative rock band putting a bigger boot in the pond that is the Manchester music scene, turning ripples into waves.  At the rate of their growing success this will be one of few introductions

 

 
By Wilhelm Grimm
 
Over a couple of pints one Summers afternoon in the local the shout went up "So what's everyone doing for Waters in Berlin?" A few ideas were banded about......

 

     
February 2010    
Indian Summer – It’s Full Shit, Shit & More Shit

By Aap Ka Hack

Channel Four’s ‘Indian season’ has come into for plenty of criticism, mainly for focusing on the Mumbai slums. The programmes were excessive and did smack to a certain extent of ‘poverty porn’. It clearly did not show the whole of India but how could you?

 

 

Three star jumper halfway up me back

by Shaun Smith 

The Swine column sat in a pair of XXL M&S boxer shorts but unable to be arsed lining them with liquid explosive then going out and injecting them with a syringe whilst on the number 148 from Wakefield to Featherstone ……

 

Fashion – Preppy

By Phil Thornton

The cover to Vampire Weekend’s new LP ’Contra’ shows a foxy lass in a yellow Ralph polo and VW themselves have been quoted as having ‘the right to wear cricket jumpers.’ Ofcourse such Ivy School ‘preppy’ affectations are hardly new in pop music.

  What's Hot On The Catwalks

By Trinny and Susane

Some choice boot, jumpers and coats for hep-cats and kittens

 

 

What’s Eating Carlos Tevez and Gary Neville?

By Carlos and Gary 

If it isn’t good ole Harry finally getting summonsed for his dodgy tax dealings, it’s Jamie and Louise taking over the TV on various shite ‘lifestyle’ shows and commercials.  They plan ‘it!’ They have fun on ‘it!’ they eat, breathe and shit ‘it!’ ‘It!’ is cocaine!

 

 

Shack - Liverpool Academy

By Tug Benson

I'm well jaded these days. I hate everything - Christmas, football, X Factor, Jordan, Mrs Tiger Woods, just fucking die, everyone. I had these tickets for Shack at the Liverpool Academy that I bought in August sat in me top drawer and when the time come round for the show I couldn't have been less arsed.

 

Noteworthy Letters

 

By Kirsty Walker

 

One downside to the internet age is the fact that every sends emails. Being able to look at Kurt Cobain's scrawly handwriting or George Bush's corrections and scribbles is a pleasure that won't be replicated with today's crop of notable people.

 

 

John Head - Manchester

By Mike Love

And still on all things Shack (see elsewhere in this issue), what do you get if you add their guitarist to the maverick 'Wizards of Twiddly'? Answer, the nearest thing that Liverpool has had to Arthur Lee and Love since, well, Shack, 'The Stream'. Yes, John's new side-project, is gathering pace, and plaudits, and there was a healthy turn out here on a freezing January night in Manchester.

 

 

By The Isolater

 
A poem from our very own laureate
 

In The Mix - Swine's Cruising Tunes

as chosen by guest DJ Kenny Powers

Foot tapping tunes to drive to, or just iron your shirts to, the choice is yours...

     
 

 

 

December 2009

   

Death Metal

By Andy Carwardine 

Metal. It divides. To non metalheads it's all noise, all sounds the same and 'you can't tell what they are singing'. To the initiated the genres complexities are matched only by the obsessiveness of its fans.

 

 

BOTTLENECK AT CAPEL CURIG

 

By Phil Thornton

 

“It’s pronounced Bet-us-ee-coyd”

“Is it fuck, it’s Betsy Co-ed”

“Are you Welsh?”

“No.”

 

Gammon, Spare Ribs & Hogmanay 


By Bernie Bostik
 

How do you celebrate New Year with your 4 months pregnant girlfriend? I know, I thought I'll book us both into some nice fancy Castle/Hotel/Health Spa type thingy. They seemed to be all the rage. I searched the net and thought I found a suitable one up in Peebleshire in Jock land. I booked it all and informed the Mrs and she was made up. 

 

 

BERNIES ABC OF THE NOUGHTIES


By Bernie Bostik

 

A - AIRPORT SECURITY - 'Boots & Belt off, take your laptop out your bag please!'...... 'Sorry sir, I'll have to confiscate this tube of genital wart cream, its over 100ml'.....'Colostomy bag? yeah that'll have to be left behind as well'.

 

Tom Waits Glitter and Doom Live

By Andrew Vaughan

His third live album in his thirtysomething-year-peforming career is one for the fans. But fuck it I'm one of those fans. Taken from his 2008 world tour this will do nothing for anybody passing by this particular tower of song.

 
AN A-Z OF WIGAN BANDS

By Andrew Vaughan

Some of whom you may not have heard of...

A is for The Ay Ups: A cross between The Macc Lads and The Lancashire Hot Pots. From  the posh part of Wigan Lane
B is for Bra Zil: Girl band. Think Cheryl Cole, Aleesha Dixon, Baby Spice and the one that's left in the Sugababes but FAT and more orange. Doing a PA in Liquid next Wednesday if they can get them off the WKDs for long enough

 

November 1982

By Andrew Vaughan

 

The bangers that didn’t bang. More snap, crackle and pop. The sparkler that Dad lit and Mum held – with fear in her face – as the sulphur burned. Dad lighting rockets in milk bottles and the bommy in the corner of the garden burning bright.

 

 

BANNED FROM THE X-FACTOR, OK! 

By Phil Thornton
 
It's the X-factor final and as a special treat, it's Crass week for the eager finalists. Cheeky Essex Boy, Olly says 'I've always been a massive fan of Crass's radical anarcho-syndicalist punk since being a kid. They lived down the road from us in their commune and I'd stand outside for hours trying to catch a glimpse of Penny, Eve and the rest of the band.

 

50 Years Under The Shield Of Shankly

 

By Bernie Bostik

 

The 29th of September 1981 was a sad day in our house. I was only eleven at the time and never had any real concept of grief at such an early age. I didn't know how to feel as I seen my Dad & Grandad looking glum and gloomy, so I went out the back and kicked my leather casey against the wall. 

 

 

Swinsters Choice Awards

By Various Swinesters

True lazy journalism content filler at its best, don't bother mailing with things like 'Junior Senior best live band? Are you out of your mind!' because I'll just delete it...no particular theme here, just what we like and why, enjoy!

 

 

 

 

November 2009

   

MESOPOTAMIA - Part 2 - Windy Hill to Bold St

By Phil Thornton 

He walks. He walks at speed. He walks with purpose because he has purpose. He walks with deliberate steps, with urgency, with intensity because he’s got a lot on his mind today.

 

 

SFA at the Ritz  

By Robin Chowder 

Thought I’d start with a trip down memory lane…a decade of two ago, pre-mobile phones, false tits, the internet, panic rooms etc I was having a bit of jiggy jiggy with a stunning temp (Lady A) who worked in the office – she was fairly thick, really good-looking and had the body of a racing snake.

 

Five Weirdest Screen Horror Moments

By Kirsty Walker

Now infamous because it was left out of the original cut and replaced later, even though it's shit. This crappy stunt shows the demonically possessed Regan O'Neal walking backwards down a staircase and biting the ankles of the maid in the only really dumb scene in the entire film.

 

 

Boys Keep Swinging

By Phil Thornton 

For a few issues back in the late 80s I was Boys Own fanzine’s token ‘northern correspondent.’ I’d just started writing and had sent a few pieces off to the End but at the time, that august scouse journal was on its last legs and, although pretty much a Cockney imitation of The End,  Boys Own was far more in tune with my own ‘soul boy’ musical leanings.

 

Seven Days On The Breadline

By Phil Thornton 

Imagine the pitch;  

TV Producer : ‘Here’s an idea; it’s a programme that shines a light on modern inner city poverty’ 

ITV Commissioning Editor

‘Bor-ing!’

 

 
Dear John,

By Andrew Vaughan

 
It was Flip. Always Flip but not the main shop on Long Acre, Covent Garden. It was the warehouse in Curtain Road, around the corner from work. Curtain Road that is now achingly cool. Shoreditch twats and all that. However back then it was empty warehouses or schmutter factories.

 


 
By Bernie Bostik
 
Here we go again, it's Monday at last,
He's heading for the Waterloo line,
To catch the 8 a.m. fast, its usually dead on time,
Hope it isn't late, got to be there by nine.
 
It was actually the 7:21 am and I had to be there by 8, but that song would always filter in and out of my head as I was buying the Mirror from the corner shop, on my way to the station to catch the train to Hunts Cross. 
  What’s Eating Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Titch? BBC Special

 

BBC Footy Presenters – look it was bad enough when that cunt Lineker replaced Lynam but atleast the obesity encouraging twat had played the fuckin’ game. Now we’ve got fucking kids tv presenters, radio one cast offs and fuckin weathergirls on the screen.

Playlist

By Phil Thornton 

This month’s mix comes from Napoleon Wilson a pseudonym (his real name is Garribaldi Campbell) for one of the lads behind Harvest Sun.

 

 
 
Twenty five years and twenty odd albums on from his debut Tom Russell is more relevant than ever. He is the consummate songwriter.

 

Tribal Loyalties

By Phil Thornton 


I passed a pair of teddy boys last week. Not aul fellars, yer usual ted vets or the revivalist rockabilly mob from the early 80s. These were young lads, decked out in cartoon ted outfits, drapes, brothel creepers, big DA Swedes; the works.

 

 

On My iPod

By Robert Goulet

Ten toe tappers chosen by our guest DJ

 

     
     
     
     
     
October 2009    
     
     

WHAT’S EATING THE MILLIBAND BROTHERS?

By Ed and Dave Milliband 

You’d have thought that after Alan Partridge satirised the medium so brilliantly, chat show producers would’ve learned a lesson or two in the past decade. After watching Jonathan Ross interview Graham Norton about which guests Norton would be interviewing on his own chat show, they obviously haven’t and the whole incestuous cycle now seems complete.

 

 

 

 
By Bernard Bostik III

 
'Grab your bag mate we're going to the German Grand prix' Is how my flat mate woke me on this tequila sodden humungus hung-over morning. I tried to speak but was badly suffering from a 'smoking to many bifters the night before' croaky throat. I grunted and disappeared back under the duvet for warmth and comfort.

 

Crosby, Stills and Nash (M.E.N. Arena)

By John Lee Park Hooker 

After indulging in copious amounts of organic Cider and sticky green C, S & N came on the TV from Glastonbury. My other half said we'll have to go and watch these in concert. I think I answered her in Astral Esperanto. I was too busy metamorphosing into a Goldfish to contemplate a future gig confirmation.

 

 

 

Hooked

By Harry Dann  

I’ve always loved going fishing. From the age of eight, I spent most of my spare time either going fishing, digging worms to go fishing or doing some task or other to pay for fishing equipment. I lived by the sea, loved being outdoors and loved nature. T

 

Carry on Casual: Anachronisms in the UK 

By Shaun Smith 

I have to be honest. I’ve enjoyed some of Nick Love’s previous films. Maybe that’s akin to admitting to a bad Greggs chicken pasty addiction or tells you I’m a clueless pleb with no taste but both The Football Factory and The Business, while hardly being Ken Loach or Pedro Almodovar get-your-thinking-head on efforts, gave me the odd grin.

 

 

MESOPOTAMIA  

By Phil Thornton

He walks. He walks every morning. He walks the same route; Top Locks to Bates’s bridge and back. About three or four miles all in all. It takes him about two hours at his usual plodding pace. He walks to distract himself.

 

Acoustic Air Raid

By Lavinia Stream

As gigs with a novel twist go, you would be hard pressed to have found a more esoteric (and, in the event, fantastically enjoyable) get-together than the show put on by Harvest Sun Promotions on a thankfully balmy August afternoon.

 

 

Snitches Get Sitges

By Tommy King

Whilst on holiday in the Spanish resort of Sitges last month I was approached by a man in a bar who made an inappropriate pass at me. I was flattered but passed on his offer, but confused he persisted. I had force him away and nearly got into a fight until the barman stepped in and explained something in French to the handle-barred mustached queer bait hassling me.

 

Running Order Squabble Fest

By The Bootleg Mark Chapman

In these times of recession, one must tread carefully when tempted by a seeming bargain or getting something for nothing. As they always say on that bizarre programme 'The Real Hustle'; "Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".

 

 

Fashion Picks

By Shyla Styles

Hi Swine readers, you might remember from such films as My Friends Hot Sister, Lexington Love Huge White Tits or Pirate 2 Stagnetti's Revenge. Anyway, when I'm not involved in any wild crisco soaked orgy, I fancy myself as a female terrace dandy of sorts.

 

Swine Playlist

Chosen by this months guest DJ Der Kaiser himself Franz Anton Beckenbauer

 

 

Roy Recommends.....

By Roy
 
Films: Import/Export http://www.importexportmovie.co.uk/  Tsotsi,Bonbon,5x2,Sin Nombre,District 9,My name is Joe,The Corner.

 

STRAW DOGS

By Peter Piper Picked a Pickled Peckinpah 

In a shock move, one of the country’s most senior neo-Nazis has agreed to appear on the BBC's Question Time with controversial Justice secretary, Jack Straw. After being snubbed by the BNP's Nick Griffin, the English Defence League's Tommy McYob and UKIP's Sir Iain Dunkirk-Spirit, finally Max Mosley of the notorious Formula 1 Party agreed to a TV debate with Straw

 

 

Digging The Dead Shores 

By Liam Ronan  

Swine travels to Wigan to meet The Dead Shores; four likely Lancashire lads with both a tremendous humour and an infectious sound.

 

     
     
September 2009    
     

What’s Eating The Jackson Five?

By Tito, Benito, Joseph, Nicky and the other one 

Tito  

Sky Plus whores – OK you expect the likes of Grant Mitchell and even Lord Anthony Hopkins to take Murdoch’s dollar and crack on they set the Sky + box to record Ross Kemp Wanks Off Squaddys In Helmand or Hannibal The Cannibal v Predator, but Sheila Grant? We thought better of Sue ‘Just A Normal Person’ Johnston? Or maybe we didn’t.

 

 
 
No not that Ken Barlow but a fella that was sixteen and was living in Wigan and kept a diary. Oh and it was 1970 and that diary has now been published. It's published as it was written some forty years ago - with the author making some modern-day observations - and it's bloody lovely.

 

The Peculiar Memories of J. Arthur - the school years.

By Bernard Bostik III
 

The one pound coin in the palm of my hand glistened and shone with the ferocity of it's newness. They'd only been out a few weeks and I'd managed to procure one from the depths of my mothers handbag.

 

 

He's Got a TV Eye On You

By Iggy Pop Thornton 

There’s this family I know who’ve never done a tap in their entire lives, the whole bunch of them; mum, dad, kids, grandkids, aunties, uncles, nephews, nieces have sponged off the state all their lives and have the barefaced cheek to demand more money from the tax payer every year; they get their homes paid for, they manage to run a fleet of cars and go on foreign holidays all the time all at our expense. This family’s name is the Windsors.

 

Sunday Morning Coming Down

By Andrew Vaughan

 
Been looking back a bit recently. Twenty seven or so years ago and to be honest it was there then. Not as bad but I had my moments. Stood on tube station platforms. Back against the wall, keeping my distance, minding the gap. The cans of brew. The ganja. The fucking Leonard Cohen records...

 

 

Mercury Prize

By Phil Thornton 

Yes hepcats, it’s that time o’year again, the time o’year when every two bob music hack n’ trendy broadsheet pop theorist gets all wet under the collar and hot under the knickers at the thought of the country’s most meangingless music prize being awarded to yet another mediocrity.

 

FASHION - ASK SWINE

By Marjorie Poops

Dear Swine,

I’ve always worn trainers but this summer have been tempted to buy a pair of those flimsy plimsoles everyone seems to be wearing these days. Can rocking a pair of plimsoles ever be justified in this day and age?

 

 

Music - Chicken Rhythms Re-mastered

By Phil Thornton 

Yes, finally, after 18 long years, Northside’s ‘baggy’ masterpiece, ‘Chicken Rhythms’ has finally been re-mastered and re-packaged to celebrate one of Factory Records and indeed pop music’s most enduring debut LPs.

 

She Blinded Me With Science

By Magnus Pikey

Together at last: SCIENCE, FACTS and writing things in CAPITAL LETTERS. All of these facts have been peer reviewed by a panel of top scientists and certified EXCELLENT.

 

 

August Playlist

By Phil Thornton

Don't ask me how this works but click on the link inside for this months playlist...  

 

     
     
     
July 2009    
     
 
by Phil Thornton

 

Of all the freaks and finks, kiddy fiddling cranks and other-wordly asexual amoeba’s in pop music’s very own rule 43 deviant’s wing, Michael Jackson shares a cell with no man. That is why he’s so great.

 

  The Thrill Of It All…

By Andrew Vaughan

 

Ade’s having a party. Ade’s always having a party. His birthday, Kay’s birthday, his sister’s birthday, the Rapper’s Delight party and tonight the Thriller party.

 

 

Steven Wells RIP

By Phil Thornton 

Steven Wells aka Seething Wells aka Swells aka Susan Williams was perhaps the finest music journalist/ranting poet/female impersonator of the past 20 years.  Sadly he died of cancer last month at the age of 49 in his adopted home of Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

 

CONTENT VOL 2

 

Content is a collection of poetry and short stories from The Spider Project in Liverpool. Here is a sample of some of the content of Content. You can pick up a free copy at News From Nowhere on Bold St, Liverpool or email phil@spiderproject.org for a copy to be sent out to you free of charge.

 

What’s Eating Some of the 1962 Uruguayan World Cup Squad?

By Phil Thornton 

All these fucking scouse band reunion gigs are getting proper on my tits lid! First it was Deaf School, then the Paleys which is fair dos but next it’s the Wild fuckin Swans, fuckin Pele and the fuckin Lotus Eaters.

 

Night Of The Hawks

By Larry Lloyd Langton



It's a scorcher. Everton have just lost the FA Cup final and one of the blues from the Leg has just stumbled obliviously past me, hammered, with his Fellaini Afro askew. Shall I take this opportunity to put the boot in ? Shall I shite, we're off to the quite splendid South Liverpool Parkway for the 6.00pm to Central for Hawkwind, Live at the Academy.

 

     
     
     
June 2009    

What’s Eating Pew Pew Barney McGrew Cuthbert Dibble & Grub?

By Phil Thornton 

The BNP’s success in the north west and Yorkshire got a lot of press with both the right wing press and the so-called ‘liberal’ media elite (the Guardian/Radio 4 etc) blaming this squarely on the shoulders of the ‘poor white underclass’ who’s silly little heads have been turned by vile fascists reaping the rewards of MPs expenses anger and ‘mass immigration.’

 

 

Searching For Fletcher

By Matthew Simmons

Ken is a depressed middle aged film director in search of inspiration. One day in his bedroom as he stares at a poster of Man United legend, Darren Fletcher, the utility journeyman suddenly comes to life and provides Ken with advise on how to become a better director who doesn’t make exactly the same kind of shallow, patronising, supposedly left wing kitchen sink dramas all the fucking time.

 

Stiff Little Fingers

By Mike Love

Warrington, on a wet Sunday night in May, is hardly the definition of Punk Rock.  Or maybe it is.  Anyway, the last time I saw SLF was almost 29 years ago to the day, in Liverpool's Mountford Hall.  Brian Talbot and Frank Lampard snr had ruined the dreams of the first All-Merseyside Cup Final, and Dexy's were number one with 'Geno'.

 

A to Z of Liverpool Bands

By Ray Kingsley

Swine's alphabetic listing of 26 great Liverpool bands that you may not have necessarily heard of...

DJ Sneak’s Top 5 Sneaks

By DJ Sneak 

1 . the sweet shop sneak

what ya do is ask for a quarter of rhubarb and custards or lemon sherberts or whatever jar is high up on the shelves and when the shopkeeper turns their back to get the sweets, stuff yo pockets full of milky ways, topics n’ marathons aka snickers. Works every time!

 

Rachael Wright and the Good Sons

By Dave Wiggins

Or, SWINE's un-ceasing quest to check out the best new music around. There's just something about the wistful lady-singer-songwriter that
particularly soothes the savage breast.

 

Jarvis Cocker Curates…..his breakfast

By That Cockney Fella of Master Chef

Fresh from curating Meltdown and The Trip everyone’s favourite Professional Northern Nerd now curates his brekky. Says the pompous ironic indie-croon icon


 

 

 

Which Rocky Is The Best

By Rocky O'Rourke

Man has often pondered this question, we have decided to answer it without the help of the floppy hair queer bait off Top Gear

     
     

Starsailor- Past successes and all the future plans 

By Liam Ronan 

Starsailor are one of Britain’s most successful guitar bands they’re back with a new album, All The Plans. Notching 10 top 40 hits including classics such as Poor misguided fool, Good souls, Alcoholic, Silence is Easy. It could also be said that they are darlings of the summer festival scene and epitomise British indie.

 

 

GREAT UNSING COMEDY DOUBLE ACTS PT 6 - PISS N' VINEGAR

By Tommy Cockles
 
Pete Piss and Vinny Vinegar met at Brean Sands Pontins holiday camp in 1975 where Pete was performing his urine-centric ventriloquism act with his dummy sidekick, Wee Willy McSlash and Vinny Vinegar was working in the arcade as a repairman/resident paedophile.

 

The Liberty of Norton Folgate 

By Andrew Vaughan   

The Specials were great the other week. We had a few beers in town, or the Northern Quarter as it is now known, got wet, got a cab, had a few beers, danced around got wet, got a cab and train and headed back to our own little Ghost Town.  

 

 

Who is Doing What 

By Various 

A selection of who is doing what why and where by various Swine contributors...

 

White Lies - Don’t Do it! 

By Liam Ronan  

On June 4th Britons will be able to cast their vote in the European Elections. Many more parties run for the Euros than in the General Election due to the higher chance they have of winning a seat. This is because it isn’t winner takes all like the General Election. Therefore we have seen political campaigns being run by the Christian Party Christian People’s Alliance, Libertas, UKIP and of course, the BNP. 

 

  England's Pride

By Mike Cotgreave


I was in Manchester on St George's Day and saw smatterings of local men wearing or waving English flags. One guy even had a shirt on depicting the flag. He looked very classy.
     
     
     
     
 

 

 

 

May 2009

   

By Mike Love 

Sunday 26 April 2009, and SWINE is parking up in Donaldson Street, L4.  Ilived around here, for a time, as a kid, and it's changed beyond recognition. It's a shithole, not to put too fine a point on it, and the
Local Authority should hang it's head in shame for letting it get into such a state. 

 

 

Danger UXD

By Bernie Bostik

What's the weirdest present someone has bought for you on your Birthday? I'll tell you what mine was, it was a blow-up doll. Not just your bog standard blow-up doll either, this was some 'self inflating deluxe model - for the more discerning weirdo' type shit.

 

What's Eating Rod Jane & Freddy?

By Phil 'Zippy' Thornton
 
What is with all these comedy remakes? Look, if you thought that Paul Merton remaking Hancock was a pointless exercise in self-indulgence, wait till you see Barry from Eastenders (as he be forever known as after Extras) as Fletch is an utterly futile remake of Porridge. Quite apart from the creative bankruptcy this tedious trend displays, it also pisses on the graves of great comic actors who made the characters their own.

 

 

The Five Most Offensive Children’s Movies

 

By Kirsty Walker

 

The Christian Childcare Action Project (or CAPP) spend most of their time viewing filth, in order to warn other parents about the perils of letting your child watch kissing or arguing on the big screen. They rate films out of a hundred, the lower the score, the more evil the film, with a score of 100 being the goal for which all entertainment should strive.

 

Eat Your Shit

By Gillian McKeithhhhh



In the beginning

Since 1926 shit has been enjoyed, more often than not on toast, by generations of Britons young and not so young. It is now firmly established as part of British everyday life.

 

The Path of the Righteous

By Dave Kenny

I believe it is in the old  testament where it is stated the love of money is the root of all evil. Wrong. Its TV. That’s right, you heard me, the custard and jelly is the real root of all evil.

 

Dirty Old River

By Andrew Vaughan 

I cross Hungerford Bridge above this big, old river. This river that some old poet called Elliott said: "Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song. The river bears no empty bottles, sandwich papers, silk handkerchiefs, cardboard boxes, cigarette ends" Well it fucking does now! As I stop and I stare.


 

 

 

65 Days we’ll remember all our lives 

By Liam Ronan  

65DAYSOFSTATIC (65DOS) are one of the music industry’s best kept secrets. They’re a music lover’s band. Guitar God Johnny Marr has declared his love for the group, while cult hero Robert Smith showed his adoration for the Steel City foursome by offering them the chance to support The Cure in America. 

 

The BAFTAshow Party 

By Johnny Finger  

As regular visitors to Swine will know, we are privy to all the big industry celebrations but we sometimes choose not to spill the beans on these A list parties for fear of being shunned and outcast like lepers and mocked in the street.

 
Aint Nothing But a Party Y’all

By Norman Barry 

This is Swine definitive guide to parties at the movies, in no particular order and no particular reason! Youtube them for further amusement as we couldn't be arsed and may have got into trouble googling Swingers from work.

 

Sound & Vision

By Phil Thornton 


If you're already bored shitless by the never-ending demand for Erics nostalgia, then this exhibition may provide something of an antidote. 

.

 

 

 

By Cindy Incidentally

Hey, SWINE, what's happened to your irregular female contributors? Equality of opportunity and all that! Anyway, a quick introduction. I have followed Everton since 1970. 

 

Starsailor- Past successes and all the future plans 

By Liam Ronan 

Starsailor are one of Britain’s most successful guitar bands they’re back with a new album, All The Plans. Notching 10 top 40 hits including classics such as Poor misguided fool, Good souls, Alcoholic, Silence is Easy. It could also be said that they are darlings of the summer festival scene and epitomise British indie.

 

 

GREAT UNSING COMEDY DOUBLE ACTS PT 6 - PISS N' VINEGAR

By Tommy Cockles
 
Pete Piss and Vinny Vinegar met at Brean Sands Pontins holiday camp in 1975 where Pete was performing his urine-centric ventriloquism act with his dummy sidekick, Wee Willy McSlash and Vinny Vinegar was working in the arcade as a repairman/resident paedophile.

 

The Liberty of Norton Folgate 

By Andrew Vaughan   

The Specials were great the other week. We had a few beers in town, or the Northern Quarter as it is now known, got wet, got a cab, had a few beers, danced around got wet, got a cab and train and headed back to our own little Ghost Town.  

 

 

Who is Doing What 

By Various 

A selection of who is doing what why and where by various Swine contributors...

 

White Lies - Don’t Do it! 

By Liam Ronan  

On June 4th Britons will be able to cast their vote in the European Elections. Many more parties run for the Euros than in the General Election due to the higher chance they have of winning a seat. This is because it isn’t winner takes all like the General Election. Therefore we have seen political campaigns being run by the Christian Party Christian People’s Alliance, Libertas, UKIP and of course, the BNP. 

 

  England's Pride

By Mike Cotgreave


I was in Manchester on St George's Day and saw smatterings of local men wearing or waving English flags. One guy even had a shirt on depicting the flag. He looked very classy.
     
     
 

 

 

 

April 2009

   

What’s Eating George & Mildred

By Yootha Joyce and Brian Murphy

Jade Goody, David Peace and Solutions for Solutions...

 

 

Staring At The Rudeboys

By Phil Thornton 

The summer of 79 finds me at Pontins Prestatyn. I’m thirteen years old and have just discovered punk two years too late. Before going for our annual Clwydian retreat I’ve been up to the local fashion emporium and had two stencilled t-shirts prepared; one is the Jam logo and the other is three letters; PIL. At ten pence per letter, it’s far more cost-effective to be a fan of Public Image Limited than say, Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias.

 

YOU’REGONNAGETYOURFUCKINHEADSKICKEDIN!

By Phil Thornton 

Stoney trusted The Professor a bit more now. He seemed almost human…for a professor! He told him the rest of his story, not that it amounted to much really. How he’d left the army in 86 after butting the Geordie sergeant and returned to Northwich and his ma’s house but couldn’t hack it with the prick she’d asked him to treat like a father. He’d already had one prick for a father and didn’t need another.

 

 

Roy writes a list.....
 

Telly: 

Family Guy, Spiral, Willies Chocolate Revolution, Come Dine with Me,The Dog Whisperer, Corrie, United V Porto, Afghan star.

 

Music Reviews and Playlist
 

By Phil Thornton

No time for doubt, self-hate or gloom because the lark’s on the wing and the gorse is in bloom – here’s a couple of spring onions for ya!

  National Cup Fever

By Mike Love

For many people, the 'Sunday League' conjures up images of overweight blokes, in ill-fitting 'Bukta' strips, huffing and puffing around a muddy field somewhere, and smoking a couple of fags at half-time of a 6-6 'thriller'.  Whilst, probably, there are still pockets of this clichéd scenario dotted around, the reality is rather different.

 

Meet at Topshop 

By Andrew Vaughan 

Extract from Faded Lois Dreams: to be published  September 2009 ) 

Meet at Topshop, Oxford Circus. All the young lovers meet there. Boys and girls and boys and boys and girls and girls in this mixed-up muddled-up shook-up world.
 

 

 

Red Riding No Good 

By Alex Workman 

Billed as this year’s must-see drama and a televisual event akin to “Boys From The Blackstuff” in some quarters of the London-based media, this trilogy of films was hyped for its grim portrayal of the Wild West Yorkshire of the 1970s and early 80s.

 

Fall Out Boy - Cardiff International Arena

By Steve Grenfell

My teenage kids have been great with me about music.  They've bought into nearly everything that I've introduced to them over the years - even to the point of accompanying me to Stiff Little Fingers gigs more than happily. 

 

Flogging a Dead Ralph Lauren Horse  

By Rod Belfitt  

“… coming over and having a pint after the match? ....”  - I would readily drink with my closest mates anywhere in the world. Even if I got a shout from them to go for a happy hour session in the Bear & Kalashnikov in Tbilisi, I’d try and put one in.

 

FROM THE TERRACES TO THE TAP ROOMS

By Mudhuts Media

On Friday 24th April at the Bellingham Hotel, 7.30pm – 11.30pm With Football, Literature, Anecdotes and Poetry interjected with Music, Comedy and much much more…..

 

 

 

The History of Failure

By Richard Stewart

Forty years on from his gangland style execution in the Bolivian Jungle at the hands of his CIA captors, Stephen Soderbergh’s ‘Che’ is the latest in a long celluloid trail that paints Che Guevara as the epitome of self sacrifice and valour; a cross between Mother Theresa, Florence Nightingale and Bill Gardner, zig zagging the globe dispensing social justice in his fetching beret and fatigues combo.

 

It's That Time Again - Random FA Cup Semi Final Memories

By Eric Harris

 

   
 

 

 

 

March 2009

   

The Swine Guide To Twitter

 

By Kirsty Walker

 

 

The Sunday supplements were full of Twitter a few weeks back but now the dust has settled and you can safely investigate the phenomenon without looking like some pathetic middle-aged hipster grabbing onto the last vestiges of youth and embarrassing themselves in the process.

 

 

 

YOU’REGONNAGETYOURFUCKINGHEADKICKEDIN!

By Phil Thornton 

Part 5 of the Odyssey...

On The Arm

By Phil Thornton 

Tony – You out tonight Ray?

Ray – Yeah, I’m on the arm though.  

Tony – So you’re not out then?

 

 

Reviews - The Oscars and TV

By Norman Barry 

The success of ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ at this year’s Academy Awards has lead to yet another hysterical round of ’The Brits Are Coming’ self-delusion. Like everything else these days, it spears that the British media can only reflect every event through a prism of nationalism.

 

Sport v Fashion at Liverpool Walker Gallery

By Phil Thornton 

This exhibition has been loaned from the V&A and unfortunately you can tell. What may impress the London style industry and media doesn’t necessarily transfer to the region that, more than any other, did more to forge cultural links between sport and fashion during the late 70s and early 80s. Yes, that’s partisan and biased but still true.

 

 

Music Review

By Phil Thornton

The latest chart busting hits reviewed by our own Doctor Fox

I'm a Cunt


By Mal Claffy

Now I'm a happy go lucky, mild mannered soul, who tries to avoid acting like a cunt as I go through my existence on this planet. I wasn't always like this, there was a stage in my life when I was a full time cunt and would do cuntish things on a daily basis. Times have changed and I've mellowed out  in later life, although I still have the odd flurry of acting the cunt every now and again. 

 

 

Survivorman - Discovery Channel

By Yarp

Here's the premise - send a bloke to a inhospitable shithole armed only with a few video cameras, a harmonica and some survival swag, and get him to record his week of hell for the telly. You never know, some of his survival tips might one day save your life, especially if you get caught in 24mm of snow with only a sat-nav, hands-free kit, and a windscreen ice-scraper to see you through.

 

Ten Storey Love Song - Richard Milward 

By Andrew Vaughan 

Feted by seemingly everybody from Radio 4 to Irvine Welsh Richard Milward’s second novel will not suffer from lack of promotion. But is it any good and can this twenty-three-year old from Middlesboro really be the saviour of working class literature as is being mooted by many? Well, possibly.

 

 

1985 And Where Did It All Go Wrong 

By Andrew Vaughan 

sat in the flat in muswell hill watching the rugby on telly and it’s bradford v wigan and the fans are on the pitch and it isn’t all over and it’s 1985 and the wiganers are wearing flares… flares what the hell is happening?

 

Fashion

By Trinny and Susannah

Hunting for a Sloane Ranger? Then get yourself kitted out to look the part...and no, we are not kidding

 

   
     
     
 

 

 

 

 

January 2009

   

Things I Hate About New Year

By Phil Thornton 

The avalanche of bleeding heart emotional blackmail charity adverts for only two quid/three quid/ten bob a month you can

  • sponsor a polar bear
  • help feed abandoned dogs (text woof to 8008 and a dog will write to thank you!!)
  • help over-worked and abused donkeys in India

 

 

The Secret Life of Beers

 

By Kirsty Walker

 

 

If like me you find the conversation can dry up after 12 solid drinking hours, read on and furnish your pickled brain with some proper knowledge on our malty best friends.


 

 

Things I Hate About New Year

By Phil Thornton 

The avalanche of bleeding heart emotional blackmail charity adverts for only two quid/three quid/ten bob a month you can

  • sponsor a polar bear
  • help feed abandoned dogs (text woof to 8008 and a dog will write to thank you!!)
  • help over-worked and abused donkeys in India

 

 

The Secret Life of Beers

 

By Kirsty Walker

 

 

If like me you find the conversation can dry up after 12 solid drinking hours, read on and furnish your pickled brain with some proper knowledge on our malty best friends.


 

 

Put On A Donk On It!

By Phil Thornton 

Is there anything more hilarious than whoppers who don’t know they’re whoppers trying to act all cool and unwhopperish ( I should know eh?). These nuggets remind me of NDubz who in turn remind me of East17, the very essence of whopperism.  Yet ‘Put A Donk On It!’ has now become Swine’s favourite ironic catchphrase to be used on any occasion.

 

 

EYH! Everything You Hate!

By Karen Matthews

 

I used to love fanzines, back in the late 70's and early 80's.  Not the footy ones, with wacky names robbed from Half Man Half Biscuit records, but the proper DIY ones.  'Sniffin Glue' - which was probably a bit shit, in fairness, started it all off, of course, with its seminal strapline of "here's a chord, here's another, now form a band", and Liverpool was quite quick to pick up on the whole written aesthete (especially if, like me, you didn't have a cat in hell's chance of learning to play an instrument or getting up on stage to declare your band to be a really good band). 

 

Arse-Wipe

By Phil Thornton 

For some reason Guardian TV critic and BBC TV pundit, Charlie Brooker has escaped the kind of critical mauling that he quite rightly dishes out to other programmes and ‘broadcasters’ – they love calling themselves ‘journalists and broadcasters’ these cunts don’t they? – so I think it is Swine’s duty to have a pop at these scared cows of the trendy liberal critocracy.

 

 
 
By Dave Wiggins

Whilst most of Liverpool appeared to be heading to our very own ECHO arena, to duck bottles of urine (allegedly) being hurled towards the Kings of Leon, me and my very attractive associate (the wife of a close friend, in best Carly Simon / Warren Beatty stylee) were headed in the opposite direction to catch a different type of king.  Yes, the royal ruler of the mega-ballad, Mr Barry Manilow himself. 

 

Dave Jacques – ‘Por Convencion Ferrer

By Phil Thornton

Liverpool artist Dave Jacques’s latest work is an ambitious attempt to make sense of various strands of hidden history through an invented series of ‘anarchist conferences’ taking place between 1910 – 1918 in Liverpool, Birkenhead, Salford, Manchester and er, Bala.

 

 

HAYDN

By Jimmy Tarbuck

I was never a friend of Haydn but unfortunately my dozy Geordie flat mate was. The bastard virtually moved in and turned our living room into a haze of skunk from dusk to dawn even when I was eating my Farmfoods Chicken Curry. He was a twat, a white bloke from Sheffield with dreadlocks, excessive facial piercings and a snarly gruff voice. I never quite got what he was studying as he never left our house but he turned my mate from a quiet Alnwick farmer’s son into a giggling perma-goon.

 

Funky President

By Phil Thornton 

Now that all the ballyhoo has diminished, the cold harsh reality of what faces ‘The First Black President Of America’ ™ has sunk in. Put simply; the myth of the free market and so-called ‘monetarism’ has been exposed for the con-trick it was and always has been.

 

 

A Little Story About Finsbury Park, Alfie and Wilson 

By Andrew Vaughan 

And on the day that Spurs sign an (above) average player in Wilson Palacios for an (above) average price my mind goes back to 1979. I’m at Finsbury Park tube station waiting for the lads. The Michael Sobell Centre for five-a-side. The dark, dismal Finsbury Park. Before yuppies and the gentrification of Islington. Arsenal country and a mix of Paddies, Greeks, Turks and West Indians with very few white faces and that mix are all at the Sobell.

 

Film 2009 with Leonard Cohen 

By Andrew Vaughan 

So I’m sat watching Slumdog Millionaire and it is beautiful. Harsh but beautiful and it restores my love of life. And I’m in love with Freida Pinto and I’m back in Muswell Hill in lust with Sunita. The girl that said: "He's fucking weird him" as some fella left her shop to be arrested soon after for murdering 15 men.

 

  Poems x 3

By Mike "Shakespeare" Cotgreave

Three untitled poems by this months guest laureate

Xmas TV RIP

By Mike "Scrooge" Cotgreave

The few exceptions included Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message - Channel 4's annual big opportunity to prove its radical, edgy credentials. And they excelled themselves by inviting Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to deliver last year's message.
  Retro Skull Duggery

By Anthony Thornton

A selection of artwork from a young artist...you can contact Anthony at: anthony.thornton@pressassociation.com

Ice Ice Baby

By Johnny Finger

After a long lay off from writing for Swine I convinced myself to put pen to paper. I’m sat here watching the box, waiting for a muse or inspiration to drop by and say hello when an advert for the film, Frost/Nixon comes on.

 

  Café Del Lar – “Everything’s AOR” Mix January 09

By Phil Thornton

 

     
December 2008    
     
Burn The Arenas

By Kirsty Walker

 

I find it hard to express in words how much I detest the Manchester Evening News Arena. Usually I settle for a primal scream which is a cross between a slaughtered goat and the first spasmodic mewlings of a Boyzone reunion tour audience. Sometimes I dress a dummy in a big yellow jacket and burn it, simultaneously hitting it with sticks and crying.

 

 

Obama and Charlie

By Mike Cotgreave


It still seems incredible that a non-white man called Barack Hussein Obama - who was labelled risky, dangerous, inexperienced, elitist, a Marxist, a secret Islamic extremist and terrorist-lover by the combined forces of the American right - has been elected as the 44th President of the United States.
 

 

How Capitalism Works Pt 1

By Phil Thornton 

It must have come as a surprise to many people – myself included – that local councils invested our council tax money in dodgy high interest offshore bank accounts in places like Iceland. Ofcourse I knew banks did this kind of thing, but once the banking scandal exploded, it soon became apparent that everyone was in on the scam; the trying to make more money with other people’s money blag that’s been with us ever since one cunt borrowed his mate a camel and demanded two back in return.

 

Swine meets Bacon and Quarmby (No puns necessary)

By Ginger Rodgers

Kevin Bacon and Jonathan Quarmby have an established history and a bright future. With true punk attitude they do things their own way and continue to pioneer musical progress. Bacon & Quarmby, as they have become known, have almost 20 years of artist development and record production - achieving both Grammy and Brit awards.

 

Stevie Wonder at the MEN

By Robin Chowder

I cringed a bit as I clicked 'confirm' on Ticketmaster to buy tickets for me and Mrs Chowder - not just because they were £65 a pop, plus the admin, handling, p&p bollocks (bastards). No, it was the thought of being put through the whole "ageing star knocking out his greatest hits in an arena experience" where it could have been any fat old dork like Phil Collins, Billy Joel, Elton John sat behind the piano going through the easy-listening back-catalogue with me being forced into dad-dancing for the up-tempo ones and bingo wings slowly waving aots for the ballads...

 

  Quinny Quidshop

By Phil Thornton 

‘Yeah I work all the doors in town me lad, Poundtwatter, Hovels & Bargains, Tenbobthelot, all the big names. I’m the top man in St John’s me, that’s why I get to hear all the latest news on what’s going down with the lads. Everyone thinks it’s just banging bagheads all day and lashing aul Lills in the back room til the bizzies get there but that’s only PART of our job. Really I’m more like a diplomat, sorting out beefs with all the top crews, they all come to me for advice like. Just yesterday this lad comes over to me….

The Kerry Katona Complex

By Mike Cotgreave

Every time Kerry Katona appears on our TV screens (the Iceland adverts with Christopher Biggins and Colleen Nolan are a particularly infuriating example), or is thrust before us by our esteemed press, it should serve as a warning shot to all those who fear the irreversible corruption of civilisation.

 

 

3 FAMOUS PEOPLES KNICKERS I'VE SNIFFED


By Bernie Bostik

Debbie Magee - She was staying in the hotel I was working in. Her and Paul were appearing in the Theatre around the corner and it was my job to cart her wardrobe from the room to her theatre dressing room.

 

YOU’REGONNAGETYOURFUCKINGHEADKICKEDIN! Pt 4

By Phil Thornton 

He was sat there when he walked in. Stoney was going to swerve it but at the last minute decided he had nothing to lose by speaking to the Scots prick for an hour or so. The Professor got up from his rickety, wooden chair and went over to Stoney. Ramon smiled at Stoney.

 

 

THE 12 BALL-ACHES OF CHRISTMAS

By Suede Shoes

1. Having to send cards because “they'll send us one”. Maybe if we don't send them one they'll stop.

2. The retina-wrecking sight of a boozer full of bright shiny new Lacoste jumpers. (I avoid Salford till new year).

 

THE GANGS OF MANCHESTER. THE STORY OF THE SCUTTLERS


By Clancy Eccles
 

The history of the city of Manchester and it's people has been written about extensively so it was with surprise that I read The Gangs of Manchester: The Story of The Scuttlers by Andrew Davies and discovered a whole socio-cultural movement I had no knowledge of.

 

  And The Beats Goes Off

By Phil Thornton 

There is a myth, a myth it must be said among many others, that Liverpool has always been a progressive home to dance music, that its clubs have been somehow instrumental in bringing about a vibrant dance scene both locally and nationally.

Keith Bastard v Humanity

By Keith Bastard

Have you noticed that some people are just utter twats?

Here's a random list of some of the people that have been winding me up the most lately...Loud people who think they're funny but are actually just twats

 

 

 Joe Bonamassa - Colston Hall, Bristol

By Steve Grenfell

Right, Joe Bonamassa has two problems.

First, there's a frighteningly good chance that you haven�t heard of him yet. Well, if that was true, we've just sorted it out.

 

Brother Beyond - John Head Live

By Truman Capote 

 

History records that younger siblings will always exist in the shadow of their older brother.  I'm thinking Jack Charlton; I'm thinking Wayne Lineker; I'm thinking Eric Manson.  The list is, indeed, endless, and I could go on.  The likes of Keith Dahmer, Barnaby Southgate, Norman Cowell, Arnold Drummond, and Isaac Danesh have all, at one time or another, felt the unwelcome ignominy of being referred to as 'our kid'. 

 

 

Fantastic Day

By Mike Love
 

What was the score on Haircut 100 then?  Three classic early singles, in 'Favourite Shirts', 'Love Plus One', and 'Fantastic Day', then cutie lead singer, Nick Heyward, gets too big for his boots, goes solo, and, within two or three further releases disappears in Pop's great big dumper (see also, Charlie out of Busted).  Anyway, this introduction bears no resemblance to what the article is about, but the title of the Haircuts (as absolutely nobody called them) third single is germane to what I am about to say.

 

Des Brackett Interview


By
Martin Hall

 

You don’t so much talk to Des Brackett as enlist in his cause.  He radiates enthusiasm the way bulbs shed light.  As the coach of the Oxford University boxing team featured in Stevan Riley’s documentary Blue Blood (reviewed in August’s Swine), Brackett is as garrulous and candid as you’d expect from a man who has spent the majority of his life less ordinary immersed in the world of gumshields and glory.

 

 

 

SWINE New Band of the Month - Tainted Orange

By Alan Metcalfe 
 

When you think of musical hotbeds, in this green and unpleasant land, the usual conurbations come to mind.  Liverpool, of course, has been name-checked, off and on, since the early 60's, as has Manchester. 

 

Best in Show for 2008

By Kirsty Walker

Kirsty's choice for this years Swiners -  Venue and presenter to be announced in the New Year

 

Best/Worst of 2008

By Shaun Smith

Shaun rounds up his highs and lows for the year - fans of the Pussy Cat Dolls and Jon Sargeant look away...

     
     
     
     
     
October 2008    
     

COLLECTIVE – DISORDER BY SOLESEEK

 

By Phil Thornton

 

Collective Disorder is yet another book about trainers but unlike all the other books about trainers, this book about trainers is the only book about trainers you’ll ever really need. Collective Disorder, as the name suggests, poses the trainer fan and obsessive a question; are we mental?

 

 

Suedehead 

By Kerso 

“… Ah – you’re the trainer collector guy aren’t you? …”. 

“… No. For the thousandth time, I’m not the fucking “trainer collector guy”. But I do wear trainers.** Have done for more than 30 years – just like everyone else I know who is my age …”. 

 

The Swine Guide To Kicking the Kredit Krunch 

By Kirsty Walker  

If you're reading this you're probably huddled around a clockwork Mac in a school gymnasium, having bartered the sleeves from your Lyle and Scott pullover for ten minutes online time. The Kredit Krunch has been hard on us all, but Swine is here to assist you with the simple process of living now that the economy is in ruins and marshall law is just around the corner.

 

 

Electrospective 

By Richard Stewart 

Acid House commemorated its 20th anniversary this year, with no shortage of articles, books, club nights and talking heads on hand to guide you through the seismic shift that shook youth culture in the summer of ’88. This UK driven phenomena had blown in from the winds of Chicago, an accidental derivative from the Roland drum machine which had for many years powered the black gay clubs of America.

 

 

By Tom Boseley

 
Remember all the furore about FC United of Manchester?  All that anti-Glazers stuff, vowing never to set foot inside Old Trafford again, and forming a new team?  Well, in fairness to them, they only went and pulled it off.  Renting Gigg Lane for their home ground and, at one stage, getting gates of around 4,000 paying patrons. 

 

 

Real Gomorrahshow

By Phil Thornton 

Roberto Saviano’s book on the Camorra’s grip on Naples has resulted in death threats to the author, so it was both brave and timely for Matteo Garrone to turn Saviano’s book into a film that will hopefully shame and provoke the Italian state into action. Naples is currently on the verge of total collapse due to systemic corruption at all levels and Gomorrah exposes just how riddled with corruption Naples and by extension the whole of Italy, is.

 

Geography Shoes

By Suede Shoes (size 10)
 

I was at a community social occasion recently (the match) when my seasonal sartorial selection prompted a debate. Someone pointed out that my outfit de jour resembled that of a geography teacher and, now that I'm firmly into my third decade, this was due to my age. A mate of much longer standing moved to quickly clear up this mistake pointing out we'd been dressing similar since we were doing geography ourselves.

 

 

Film Reviews – Man On Wire and Forgetting Sarah Marshall

By Martin Hall

The stories, near unbelievable, are strange but true.  Paris, June 1971: a man tightrope walks across Notre Dame Cathedral.  Sydney, June 1973: he walks the high wire between the two pylons of the Harbour Bridge.  New York, August 1974: the same man steps out on a nylon cable between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Centre and an indelible piece of New York history is written.

 

Bienniel Review

By Phil Thornton

This brilliant mixed media installation consists of an enormous question mark constructed from the eyelashes of Chinese schoolgirls surrounded by 100 plasmas tv screens showing classic episodes of 70s sit-coms ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ ‘Rising Damp’ ‘It Aint Half Hot Mum’ and ‘The Cuckoo Waltz’ – why? That’s the big question but who, other than Dontchomp can answer it? Not me, that’s for sure!

 

Binge Drinking or Ant and Dec? 

By David Kenny  

I have a theory that binge drinking in this country is not the result of an unhealthy attitude towards alcohol and intoxication which is exacerbated with draconian and patronising licensing laws, and amplified by the greed of developers and local authorities that have turned almost every city centre and market town into carbon copy plastic toy towns full of modern day gin palaces and tots in pink polo tops. No, its because Saturday night telly is rubbish.

 

THE VIEW FROM THE AFTERNOON

By Martin Hall 

Not many football grounds can be described as a cross between Lisbon’s Estadio Nacional and Oxford’s Kassam Stadium but Aldershot Town’s Recreation Ground is exactly that.  With numerous trees around its perimeter but no stand behind one of the goals, it’s one of the most unique – and enjoyable – football grounds you could ever visit.  At a loose end in the last weekend in August, Swine went along to check out Aldershot Town versus Bradford City.

 

 

Doug Stanhope – Manchester Dancehouse Theatre

By Ste Connor 

Freshers week, don’t you just love it? Whilst availing ourselves of a pre-show snifter in a nearby bar, in traipse 20 + of the greater spotted “studenti zanyus twatti” in, get this, nightwear!! Kerrrazzeee mofo’s that they are, darn near put me off me Chinese milk stout. Anyways, enough already with the prelim’s - make wit da review, I hear you call in unison (all 14 of you).

 

YGGYGHKI - Trilogy

By Phil Thornton

The final chapter in Phil's Odyssey along with the first two...

 

  Swine Magazine on the Campaign Trail (in search of the British Obama)

By Mike Cotgreave


Like many political junkies I've been hooked on the US presidential elections. For a start it's much more interesting and entertaining than the uninspiring, dull-as-ditchwater chirade that passes for the politics in this country.

 

Music Reviews

 

By Phil Thornton and Peter Doherty

 

Phil runs the rule on new releases, some of which are already touted to be the Christmas number one and Doughboy casts his ear over some smellies...

 

I am 17 Going on 50 

By Andrew Vaughan  

I was on the way home the other Friday when two pretty indie girls bowled on the bus at The Conny in Skem. Vintage dresses, smelling beautifully, bottles of wine jangling in their bags and great big gorgeous smiles.

 

 

Special Brew, serial killers, smiles and scowls…

By Andrew Vaughan 

The golden can. The golden beer. 'The King of Beers'. The ice-cold sweet syrup kisses my lips, caresses my tonsils, soothes my chest, warms my heart and saves my soul. It is a Saturday in October. I take my tracksuit top from the floor, put my Nike Wimbledon's under the tap, finish my brew and step into the early morning sunshine.

 

 

The Return of SWINE's Classic Albums - The Jam : All Mod Cons

By Boy D' (who we can't name for legal reasons)

 

How many albums can you name without any duff tracks or fillers?  Comparatively few, I would wager.  This little cracker though, from '78, has 12 spot-on prime cuts, and takes it's rightful place as Paul Weller's masterwork (with 'Setting Sons' a very close second).  

 

Swine Fashion

By Phil Thornton and John Connolly

Winter coats and sensible shoes as selected by the most fashionable men ever, no really

 

 

The Gun, the Bible and the MILF

 

By Anthony Leahy 

As a biased observer of the US Presidential election campaign, I have watched with joy as the Republican party has inevitably reverted to type and perpetuated the kind of misguided bigotry known to afflict the congenitally stupid (George W Bush) and those who should know better (everyone who voted for George W Bush).

 

     
     
September 2008    
     

Fashion – Lads v Fellars

By Phil Thornton

When you stop being a ‘lad’ and become a ‘fellar?’ I only ask because I’ve just passed a fellar on Bold Street who looked to be well into late 50s or even early 60s (unless he’s just had a very hard life that is) wearing a very fetching old skool Peter Storm ( a design I’ve never seen before) and a pair of what appeared to be original Indoor Supers.

 

 

On Her Majesty’s Not So Secret Service

By Alexander Scott 

This is an advert placed in The Guardian and no, it’s not a skit, this is genuine. 

Foreign & Commonwealth Office, Fighting Terrorism Means Knowing Your Audience...

 

Downloading & Charlotte Church 

By Dave Kenny 

So again we have had more Tabloid scare stories about the horrors of Internet piracy threatening the Music industry with extinction. Like the last time, how Napster was going to kill all CD pressing world wide with its file sharing chicanery.

 

 

ALWAYS FIGHTING 

By Andrew Vaughan 

Used to know this kid called Stevie G – got cut to fuck in Amsterdam in 81. Spurs had a go at Ajax. Got a bit messy. Great lad wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was football. Also used to play a bit. Had the best fucking shot I’ve ever seen.

 

Credit Crunching

By Phil Thornton 

Now that the US Federal Reserve has bailed out the entire American financial system from a 30s style collapse and the in the UK the FSA and Bank of England are desperately attempting to bolster the banking and mortgage sector, the capitalist myth has been exposed for what it is.

 

  Writers Blocked

By Ronnie Ely

Did the vodaphone awards replace the Britts? What the fuck are they? I’m channel hopping waiting for the Ryder Cup highlights to come on when I stumble on this drivel. The blurb said it presented by Steve Jones and Juliet Lewis but alas (Schmitt and Jones) it’s not the Pistols bore but that taffy irreverent ‘TV safe’ Steve Jones. Juliet Lewis is probably wondering who he is and she looks like she doesn’t know where she is.

10 FAMOUS PEOPLES GARDENS I'VE HAD A SMOKE IN

By Clancy Eccles

Denis Law - The original King wasn't present at the time which was a shame but I don't spose I'd have been able to skin-up with him watching so it's probably just as well.ots of leafy Cheshire.

 

 

Leaked Memo from the NME 

By Dave Kenny 

Minutes Re: next years NME awards 

Sponsorship: Got to get sponsored because Corporate approved rock and roll is where its at nowadays. We could do the usual hair gel deal but apparently there is a South East Asian military dictator with a few bob to spare doing the rounds just now, so hanging on for a better deal might be an option.

 

Running Order Squablefest
 
By Alan Metcalfe

I have a confession to make, readers.  I was 17 years of age before I saw a live gig, by a bona-fide rock band.  17!  Actually, that's not strictly true.  When I was around 15, or so, the church youth leader took us all in his Datsun Sunny, over to Hoylake, to see some Christian Metal act. 

 

 

Let’s Not Be Beastly To The Beasts

By Phil Thornton 

Whenever I hear the words ‘Sex Offenders Register’ I automatically imagine a schoolroom full of paedophiles sat at tiny desks with an exasperated teacher calling names from the front.

 

What I Did On My Holidays

By Kirsty Walker

One of my finest school moments came in the first week of 2nd year juniors when we were asked to do a project entitled 'My Summer Holidays'. As we did this every September while teacher's blood alcohol level returned to normal, I had planned diligently and spent my summer holiday in Palma Nova collecting things that I might stick in my project book when I got back.

 

  And Then There Were Three...

By Ste, Phil and John

Three winter coats for all you fashionistas who probably stopped looking at Swine two years ago when we decided it was dead...boring

La Ghost In La Machine

By Phil Thornton 

This goes out to all the doubters and the haters who said Capital of Culture would be a waste of time, a big fat nothing, a hastily cobbled together series of bland, unimaginative gimmicks that, far from establishing the city as a forward thinking metropolis forging its own future from the ruins of the past, would only wallow in its own myriad myths and self-delusions.

 

 

In the city theres a thousand faces all shining bright and each one of those faces is under 25!  

By Dave Kenny 

Or so Paul Weller said before he became some beaut running around the New forest in a loin cloth for a Style Council sleeve. But it did get me thinking about my own age. Now going on into my late twenties and I’ve got to look at the facts that im not exactly a youth anymore. Which kind of saddens me.

 

     

Sweet and Tender Hooligan

By Joe Hawkins
 

You don't half get some shite spouted in those hoolie books  . . . .

 

1. We only had it with their main mob, not like  . . . . who beat up families and scarf'eads
2. They were well game for such small numbers
3. They were a tight little mob who never ran

 

 

The Mercury Prize

By Phil Thornton 

It’s three cheers for Ankle, the perennial under-achievers of dull, northern epic rock n’ yawn music. Their LP, ‘The Seldom Heard Band’ is perhaps the most boring LP since their last LP ‘The Perennially Over-Looked Band’ and therefore a deserved winner of the UK’s most tokenistic music award.

 

Music Reviews and Café del Lar Jukebox

By Phil Thornton & Ste Connor

Are friends eclectic? Choice tunes news and reviews from musicland, yes you heard...

 

 

IT’S A LOCAL PUB FOR LOCAL PEOPLE 

By Andrew Vaughan  

Recently a mob of us got talking about how we used to go to the pub when we were young and just embarking on our drinking life. We were also noticing how you see few young people in your local nowadays. We used to go the local and then go up town.

 

     
August 2008    
     

Extra Extra!

By John Connolly 

When I was 14 and it was time to take my options in school, I plumbed for Drama as my one and only cushy subject. Having half a brain in my Comprehensive meant you had to take a science, geography or history, woodwork or metalwork, art or technical drawing and the mandatory English lit, language and maths.

 

 

Pentangle - Liverpool Philharmonic

By Merle Veggard

I might have let slip in last month's Swine that I had a bit of a thing for medieval jazz-folk weirdos Pentangle - well blow me down with ye plague, they only went and reformed the classic 1967-73 line up and decided to a do a show at the Liverpool Philharmonic.

 

BLADE RUNNERS

By Phil Thornton

Now that Linda Robson has shamelessly jumped on the anti-knife crime bandwagon as a way of reminding Joe Public of her career as the one wasn’t the fat one in Birds of a Feather, surely it’s time that the hysteria surrounding youth crime is put into its true perspective.

 

 

Everything’s Gone Green 

By Shaun Smith  

God knows why, but it’s a colour combination that’s always appealed to me. From the classic hoops of Glasgow Celtic, lime green adidas Gazelles, Benetton’s corporate colour scheme and Kevin Sheedy’s Republic of Ireland shirt to Boston Celtics leisurewear, pool tables, goalkeepers shirts and Saint Etienne kits, green and white has always drawn me in like a moth to a 40 watt light bulb.

 

Michael Head and Some Other Bands - Liverpool Echo Arena

By Mike Love
 

Down by the docks the talking turned.  Who'd have thought it; Mick Head ending up playing the cavernous new complex at the waterfront, as part of 'Summer Pops'.  Has Britain's 'Greatest Living Songwriter' (NME 1999), finally made it to the big time, and lining up in this year's extravaganza alongside the likes of Mick Hucknall and Mick Buble. 
 

 

 

What’s Eating Gilbert & Sullivan?

By Gilbert O'Sullivan 

Gilbert - The Secret Millionaire/Kevin McCloud’s Big Town Plan  That’s just what we need; puffed up dough heads picking and choosing ’deserving’ causes from the massed ranks of those horrendous ’poor people’ and writing out ’life-changing’ cheques for 10 grand to set the saps up in business as fruit and veg plasterers and oh so socially conscious architects ’collaborating’ with poor downtrodden council estate types to improve their communities via the magic of design.

 

YGGYFHKI

Chapter 2

By Phil Thornton

Back at the office, Johno, who’d fixed the whole farce up in the first place asked Stoney how it had gone. “Fucking waste of time lad.” Johno nodded a bit guiltily, as Stoney took out his files from the cupboard. “Who’ve we got in today?”

 

 

Knock Off Nigel….Reprise 

By Finton “Home Taping Is Killing Music” Stack  

You all know the ad. The worst, most unequivocally turgid piece of shit ever conceived over a beaked up lunch session of the ad men’s equivalent of the Groucho Club is darkening our screens for a second run. Perhaps the original wasn’t ridiculed quite enough the first time round? Personally, I'm at a loss with absolutely everything to do with this ad.

 

Epydemyk

 
By Brian Wilson

 

The SWINE cognoscenti share a variety of musical tastes, but, rather than just sit at home listening to our favourite artistes, we do like to regularly check out fresh and upcoming bands.  Not for us the treadmill of looking out for  tour dates, booking tickets with a load of add-on fees, and then turning up for a set that you know will last from 9.30 'til 11, on the dot, before the Kings of High Vis lob you out. 

 

 

The People's Republic of Merseyside: A Vision of the Future 

By Mike Cotgreave 

There was a ruckus recently when somebody dared to express a not entirely positive opinion about the city of Liverpool. Everyone from Kevin Keegan to Boris Johnson to one of the city's own sons, Alexei Sayle, has had a dig over the years, so you'd think the inhabitants of Scouseland would be used to it by now.

 

There’s a brand new dance…………….. 

By Finton “Clean living under difficult circumstances” Stack.  

………..but the thin white Duke couldn’t remember its name. Well, I suppose that’s what holing yourself up in Berlin mainlining smack with Iggy will do for you. Anyway, that dance was called “fashion”. A concept which has increasingly little relevance for me these days. There comes a time in every man's life when he's actually glad that he's too old to be "fashionable".

 

 

McCarthy-ism 

By Phil Thornton  

There is something of the ancients in Cormac McCarthy, something that evokes Moses and Homer, as well as Milton and Blake and Melville and even Ellroy. A world that is at once brutal and barbaric yet poetic and mystical, where men are truly beyond good and evil and inhabit a No Man’s Land between morality and instinct, a place where laws and rules and other abstract human concepts have no meaning and all that’s left is base survival.

 

The Car Boot Experience (aka Feeding Time at the Human Zoo)

By Mike Cotgreave

It was approx 6:30am. Me and my good friend Richie were in a muddy field somewhere near Burscough and we were surrounded by some of the most hardcore elements of the local car booting community. Like flies around the proverbial excretion they came.

 

Who Cares What You Think?

By Ste Connor 

Want-wit callers into Jeremy Vine, Victoria Derbyshire, Roger Phillips et al Alan Green Heat magazine Lenny Henry 99.98% of Internet bloggers...

 

Café del Lar Jukebox - August 

Phil Thornton and PJ pick this month tunes for those rainy August days

 

FILM REVIEW – BLUE BLOOD

 

By Martin Hall

 

The Sweet Science has a new Professor.  He doesn’t look or sound like a scholar and he deals in more robustly direct methods than any academic.  He’s less Descartes and Diogenes; more D’Amato and Dundee.  Everything this man has learned is from the School of Hard Knocks with further knowledge gained from the University of Life. 

 

 
 
Now, I don�t want to overstate this. There are loads of things that depress me more.  Monday mornings for a start,  and the governments 2% pay limit they
really do get me down.
 

WHO REALY KILLED JILL DANDO? A SWINE SPECIAL REPORT

By Nick Ross 

Now that Barry George has been cleared and come up with perhaps the funniest quote of the year ‘i don’t want people to go ‘there’s Barry George, he killed Jill Dando, I want them to go ‘there’s Barry George he DIDN’T kill Jill Dando’ it’s no thanks to vile hacks like the Mail’s Geoffrey Levine who after his acquittal continued with such damning slurs as this;

 

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
July 2008    
     

SOUND MADE OF SOUND 

By Phil Thonton
  
 It was in the pool room of the Cherry Tree in Runcorn that I first noticed it; one of the scousers from up the road, a lad well known as a bit of a stanley merchant in his youth was sat with a tweed jacket with what appeared to be a Genesis t-shirt underneath.

 

  Career Oportunities

By Charles Manson

I do envy people who are able to access the internet in work.  I dream of the day when I can sit on various cyberspace forums, firing off invective, commenting on my favourite crisps, and asking the seemingly perennial question of "any minge".  Not for me, I am afraid, as I have the worst job in the world. 

All Back To Ours - The Stoner Scal Tapes

By Dave Richards


It was 20 years ago today, well nearly, since Pink Floyd played their infamous show at Maine Road. To celebrate that fact, Swine has produced a handy playlist for all those of us who knew our bus-stop ratbags from our fucked-up old hags.........

 

 

Wake Up Journos, You’re Dead 

By Kirsty Walker 

 

Who the fuck would want to be a music journalist? I remember a time when it actually seemed cool to be a writer for the NME or Melody Maker but then I also remember thinking Diego Forlan was a good signing.

 

You’regonnagetyourfuckinheadkickedin! 

By Phil Thornton 

Stoney sat opposite the professor in the cafe above the book shop, somewhere he didn’t feel too self-conscious, somewhere where the sight of a man with a five inch scar running down the right hand side of his face, from his temple to the corner of his mouth talking to a balding, bearded, unkempt man in his late 50s wouldn’t attract too much attention.

 

 
10 FAMOUS PEOPLE WHOSE CIGS I'VE LIT

By Clancy Eccles

(If you ask me for a light I'll give you a light no mither but I'll keep hold of the lighter and light the cig for you. That's the proper way to do it just because it is. It's gentlemanly and it avoids stealth lighter-taxation.)

 

 

Booze Police 

By Kirsty Walker  

The government is preparing to spend £10 million on an advertising campaign telling us how ignorant we are over alcohol limits. Apparently people don’t know that you shouldn’t drink more than a glass of wine a day under any circumstances – much in the same way they ‘don’t know’ not to smoke or eat fast food. Actually you cretins, we all know, but we’re not listening.

 

 

WHAT DID YOU DO IN THE ACID WARS DADDY?  

By Phil Thornton 

You young uns dont know yer born, it used to be all fields round here. Fields and acid house clubs, thats all we had to entertain ourselves back in the 80s and 90s. Ask yer dad or yer trendy uncle who still reckons he can throw some shapes at family parties, the one who brings along Playing With Knives just to show you a few moves from back in the day and bores you rigid with tales of wild partying in places as exciting and glamorous as Blackburn, Burnley, Widnes and Stoke.

 

 

FILM REVIEW – IN SEARCH OF A MIDNIGHT KISS

 

By Martin Hall

 

It seems highly improbable that Odeons the length and breadth of the country will be overwhelmed by millions of punters clamouring to see a black and white American indie flick but if there was any justice, viewings of Alex Holdridge’s charming In Search Of A Midnight Kiss would need to be fortified with security guards to quell the crowds. 

 

 

Cafe Del Lar Playlist

No Notion Disco - KA A Rainy Sunday Afternoon in Sankey Bridges, more of a selection than a mix per se;
 

 

TROPA DE ELITE – (ELITE SQUAD) – FILM REVIEW 

By Paul Cunniffe 

In 2007 the film “Tropa de Elite” (Elite Squad) was released in Brazil under a shroud of great controversy, the film depicted the “Policia Militar” (Military Police) as being unscrupulous, corrupt, lacking in motivation and spending much of the time hanging around shops, bars and clubs collecting “protection money” as opposed to carrying out “preventative police duties” which is their remit.

 

 


 

Another three years have gone by, and it's time for a new album from that great British institution Half Man Half Biscuit. And, as ever, it's impossible to 'review' in the conventional sense, as you largely know what to expect...


 

 

Grow Up & Act Your Age

By Phil Thornton

Thats the ultimate parental put down and one Ive used myself when the 17 year old is yelling childish insults to her 11 year old sister, as if Im any yardstick of maturity. Ive always believed in that old cliché youre only as old as you feel or as Mae West put it as old as the man you feel not that Id be feeling any men you understand but yknow I know wheres shes coming from like.

 

 

Mandela v Mugabe - Whos Your Favourite Black Power Icon?

By Phil Thornton 

Two black African leaders, two very different representations in the media. Mandela has, since his release, become some kind of Dalai Lama type figure revered by pop stars, actors politicians and other parasites as a kind of saintly figure, a non-committal cypher of innate goodness, wisdom and nobility for those who dont like their personal political and spiritual beliefs interfere with their total self-obsession and greed.

 

 

     
June 2008    
     

Ricky Don’t Lose That Number

By Phil Thornton 

Look, I know what you’re thinking; how did such a high brow cultural commentator like myself end up at a Ricky fucking Tomlinson performance? See, me ma and da had booked tickets with the missus’s ma and da but the missus’s ma had been rushed to hozzy and the missus offered our services as last minute replacements.

 

 

The Picket John Peel Celebration 27th May 2008

By Muckspreader 

Music loving John Peel would have been proud of this night. In fact all music lovers would have been. It had everything from his Tim Buckley/Nick Drake folk period via ‘All Along the Watchtower” and “Like A Hurricane” right through to the punk chaos of “White Man In Hammersmith Palais” and “Love Will Tear Us Apart.”

Alexei Stale's Liverpool

By Phil Thornton

 
If you didn't catch the first part of Islington based 'comedian' 'writer' and 'broadcaster' (what exactly is a 'broadcaster' anyway? Someone who's been on the telly by all accounts), Alexei Sayle's three part series about his former home city, then you missed a valuable and philosophical insight into the complex culture, history and psychology of er, Alexei Sayle.

 

   

Liverpool Gone?

By Phil Thornton 

What a strange couple of days. On the surface, it appears that a lot is happening yet underneath there’s really fuck all going on. Like most of the Capital of Culture ‘celebrations’ it’s all smoke and mirrors, an illusion, a delusion, a confusion.

 

 
 
 
By Clancy Eccles
 
Back when I was still just a promising youngster I used to work with Terry Venables. It was during the European championships of 1996 held in England, when we both worked for the FA. I didn't make the squad obviously, though with Neil Ruddock and Steve Howey being in there you've gotta wonder why.

 

KW Senior 

By Kirsty Walker 

My dad is stood on the doorstep in the rain with a dazed look on his face and a sprig of privet hedge in his hand. He looks up, with his usual visage of incredulity and gives the feed line to what I know will be a night full of coffee drinking and gasping for air as the laughter stitch leaves us both bent double and crying ; “You’ll never guess what just happened to me!”

 

 

Picaresque

By Roy 

Jesus H. fuckin Moyes! My eyes scope the tiny, unfamiliar room, of which the walls are painted black. I spy a poster of Bjork on one wall alongside an Audrey Hepburn portrait and a map of the world on the adjacent one. A greasy smell, which is coming from the empty pizza box that lays right next to my head makes me strangle someone.

 

Blackout

By Carl Mc 

At this time, Wednesday night could only mean one thing Disco night at the Bootle Arms. I was in my very early teens, about the age where when you went into a pub there was a 50-50 chance youd get knocked back. The Bootle Arms was about 4 miles from our house but if you took a shortcut down the canal it was less than 2 miles.

 

 

The Muffin Men at The St Helens Citadel 

By Big D

My other half came in one night saying The Muffin Men are on in St Helens, do you fancy going? I thought why not. Although I had been to St Helen’s on many occasions for a bevy and shopping I had yet to grace this establishment with my psychotic persona.
 

 

Joy Division - The Movie

By Mike Love

I thought it was supposed to be the Sex Pistols who were famous from milking every last drop of publicity (and, more importantly, filthy lucre) from the back of a pretty short-lived 'career'?  Joy Division - the Ian Curtis story in particular - also seem to be going the same way, though.  But this isn't cash from chaos or turning rebellion into money. 

 

 

Big Brother: The Big Shit Nothing Could Shift 

By Anthony Leahy 

Big Brother – quite possibly the worst Dutch export since Mateja Kezman (ok, he’s Serbian) – has once again found its way on to our television screens. Series 9 has delivered an unusually diverse range of deviants, opportunists and the emotionally vulnerable in the hope that this will be the BEST series EVER!

 

Paul Weller – Blackpool Empress Ballrooms

By Words by Finton “Mr Clean” Stack

Yet, there they were getting covered in piss at this magnificent yet ageing venue with its sprung floor, chandeliers & antiquated toilets that bore more than a passing resemblance to the River Caves, a Golden Mile or so down the road.  

 

 

Are You Local?

By Phil Thornton 

Look, I dont care if my apples come from Northwich or Nepal, I dont give a fuck if my beef is sourced in Brecon or Buenos Aires, as long as it tastes good, then Im not arsed about where it comes from or who gets rich in the process.

 

Cosa Nostra, La

by Laurence Bergren

Cosa Nostra, La is the startling insight into the counties biggest most organised criminal gang. Born on the banks of the Mersey, Cosa Nostra, La were pioneers in drug smuggling, gun running and all manor of illegal activities that made the American Mafia look like a bunch of petty thieves.

 

 

 

THE SECRET PASSIONS OF GIRLS ALOUD

By Phil Thornton 

The Trial Of Socrates has always fascinated me. In some ways I think Meletus was justified in bringing his prosecution because in times of difficulty it was imperative for city states to unify around common ideals and customs.

 

Record Reviews

By Phil Thornton 

The Fall, Seelenluft, Mrs Jynx, Lulu Rouge, Four Tet and DJ Yoda reviewed plus the Cafe Del Lar Jukey

 

 

Another Day, Another Blubbering Wreck 

By Finton “( Norley ) Boys don’t cry” Stack 

Were these the tears of a mother who’d lost a son in the Burma cyclone? A father who’d lost a daughter in the Chinese earthquake? No. These were the tears of good old “Captain Courageous” because he’d lost a football match.

 

Falling and Laughing but still singing like an angel – Edwyn Collins – Shepherds Bush Empire 

By Paul Cunniffe      

You know sometimes there is a gig that just grabs you, well this one did me.  Edwyn Collins was playing in London. The boy from Edinburgh, ex – lead singer of Orange Juice and solo artist, formerly signed up to Postcard and later Polydor was touring.

 

 

In the Summertime

By Doughboy

So summer's here & the time is right for dancing in the street. Sadly Martha Reeves forgot to mention that the change in season raises the chance to dress like a knob tenfold. Now I'll declare this straight away. I HATE summer, always have, always will.

 

Get Over Yourself!

By Phil Thornton 

Russell T. Davies – hey mate, it’s Doctor fucking Who, it’s not The Odyssey, it’s Doctor fucking Who, it’s not Hamlet, it’s Doctor fucking Who, it’s not Bleak House, it’s Doctor fucking Who, it’s not Finnegan’s Wake, it’s Doctor fucking Who, it’s not even HG Wells or HP Lovecraft, it’s Doctor fucking Who so shut the fuck up, for fuck’s sake you Welsh fucking whopper and get over yourself!

 

 

Transalpino

The name is synonymous to people of a certain vintage with going abroad on the cheap either to watch your team in Europe, go on your first holiday abroad with your mates or a ticket to black market nirvana.

 

     
     
May 2008    
     
The Happiest Days of our Lives

By John Connolly

When we grew up and went to school, there were certain teachers who would hurt the children in any way they could. By pouring their derision upon anything we did and exposing every weakness, however carefully hidden by the kids.

 

 

Dancing On The Ceiling

by Clancy Eccles

I used to work with Lionel Ritchie. Not the real Lionel Ritchie but a bloke from Middleton called Dave who was only Lionel Ritchie at the weekends. He did a tribute act in the clubs and was making his way to Vegas via Langley and Littleborough.

What’s Eating The Great Grape Ape? 

By Phil Thornton 

Miranda Sawyer. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t sour grapes (geddit?) but how did this two-bit former Face hack get to become one of the country’s leading ‘culture gurus?’ Either she’s got a great agent or there are hidden depths to the Cod-like genius.

 

  Spanish Bums in Andy Luke's Ear

by Bernie Rhodes 

Ours wasn't a bad school, all things considered.  It had it's usual array of bullies, swots, school-team poseurs, specky no-mates, free-dinner types, and lads who - had they been born twenty years later - would clearly have become Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, but, by and large, you were allowed to go about your business unmolested. 

 

The Glory Days?  

By Phil Thornton 

The past is a foreign country, so the cliché goes, and never is this more true than with  football. In the age of the Premiership with its array of international superstars and purpose built modern stadia (let’s leave Anfield out of this), it’s sometimes beneficial to be reminded of just how different British football used to be.

 

 

Teachers

By Bernie Bostik

Mr Hughes - My English teacher, an all round good egg. He let me get away with murder but he also knew when to crack the whip when needed. He kept me back one time and told me the school was getting a visit from some Governors or Local Council people (I can't remember which), he wanted me to read out a short speech for them.

 

A Kick In The Festivals 

By Kirsty Walker  

Drunkenness, class wars, casual racism and a complete rip-off. Yes, the Glastonbury Festival is the most British of events. What escapes me is how the failure of a multi-million pound company to sell out a festival in three hours should be of any concern to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

 

 

The Clown and the Politician 

By Anthony Leahy 

Growing up in the 1980’s it was difficult to escape the seemingly daily spats between Margaret Thatcher and various figures of hate on the Left. The turmoil and turbulence of the era of Militant and Scargill ensured that the 80’s were dominated by big political personalities famed for the extremity of their views and potential for vilification in an emergent Murdoch dominated-press. 

 

FA Sunday Cup Final

By Mike Love  

Some two hours before the Toffees took to the pitch on Sunday, another big game was kicking off, at Anfield, under L4's leaden skies.  Down the A1 in their hoardes, they came, those North-East inhabitants of Coundon and Hetton, following their local sides to the final of the FA National Sunday Cup - the pinnacle of the pub-league season.

 

 

 

The Grandmothers of Invention

 By Robin Chowder       

Rewind to Mothers Day 1965: Frank Zappa joins and assumes lead role in an R&B band called the 'Young Giants', quickly renaming them to 'The Mothers'. Record company quickly insist they rename themselves 'the Mothers of Invention' due to controversial "mo-fo" connotations. 

 

The Pale Fountains

by James L / Mike Love

The Pale Fountains - Plato's Ballroom

We came for Orange Juice, for Edwyn. He was the coolest motherfucker on the planet, he wore his fringe like Roger McGuinn and was so frightfully camp it made us laugh. But we reckoned without the Pale Fountains. Playing their first real proper gig they shuffled on to the cabaret stage at Pickwicks nervously.

 

 

The Courteeners – St Jude 

By Martin Hall  

Some bands are born great, some achieve greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them.  If you believe their singer/guitarist Liam Fray, The Courteeners are all three. 

 

Kings Have Long Arms 

By Liam Ronan  

Swine has the pleasure to introduce you to Salford born, Sheffield resident genius Kings Have Long Arms (KHLA) for a cheeky chinwag about glam rock, fame in France and appearances on Coronation Street.

 

 

  Falling out with the Jones

By Holden Caulfield

This is the debut of local writer, Scott Murphy, and is being performed for a week at the 'Actors Studio', in Seel Street, Liverpool. The venue is about the size of a large living room, and 'intimate' hardly does it justice. 

 

Best Of Allez Allez - Allez Allez (Eskimo)

By Phil Thornton 

Only the other day I bought a ropey compilation, mainly for a Vince Montana track but the stand-out tune was Allez Allez’s ‘Flesh & Blood’ with its ‘You Should Be Dancing’ horn coda and early 80s scratchy white funk. To be honest, Allez Allez must’ve passed me by, so I did a spot of googling and youtubing and the very next day this compilation was posted from the good people at epm. Serendipity? Co-incidence? Or something much stranger?

 

 

The Long Blondes 

By Liam Ronan  

2008 for the Long Blondes properly kicked off this month with the release of their new single, Century, in March and the release of their new album, Couples. Swine popped into a pub in Sheffield town to catch up with the band. We heard on the grapevine that they would be playing a secret gig at The Shakespeare. No-one can keep a secret from us Swine Magazine.

 

Liverpool - Soundsaroundtown

By Curtis Warren

Liverpool's foremost convicted drug baron runs the rule over Liverpool's foremost sounds around town...

 

 

Fashion Tips

chosen by Ste Connor and John Connolly

A few bits for May, nothing really ground braking but nice none the less. I know it’s meant to be summer and all that but who wears shorts in the country? Exactly…

 

     
     
April 2008    
     

Harry’s Game  

By Phil Thornton


Now that Prince Harry is back from defending democracy against the forces of evil/protecting western economic interests (takes yer pick), the whole media circus surrounding the story has once again demonstrated just how propagandist the British media is and how compliant they are to the wishes of ’the establishment.’ Oh no, not the establishment, that’s soooo 60s maaan!

 

 

Around The World In 80 Wanks

By George Michael


It was a simple idea and yet so daring, to get the BBC to send me around the fleshpots of the world and sample the delights of hand jobs from brasses, floozies, rent boys, call girls, trannies, chicks with dicks, pre-op, post-op, pop-up, scroll down menus.

Richard Dawkins Lecture

By Kirsty Walker  

As a lapsed Catholic there are really only two ways I could have attended the recent Richard Dawkins lecture at the Phil and not lost my saved seat in the afterlife. 1 – stand up halfway through and yell things at him, 2 – go on a comp and claim I was just there for the free bread sticks and a nice sit down.

 

 

 

Mersey Paradise

By Blakey from The Townie 

Is there a worse experience than taking your driving test?  I went through all that trauma years ago before finally emerging, at the 6th attempt, with that precious bit of paper indicating 400 minor faults but no 'serious' ones, thus allowing me to drive a motor vehicle, of a certain size, on her Majesty's highways. 

 

‘Of a Mancunian’ by Mike Duff

 By Andy Vaughan 

If you don’t count scribblings on the back seats of the 123 bus and postings on football messageboards then Of A Mancunian is the first collection of poems by Mike Duff. The author of Low Life and The Hat Check Boy has been writing poetry for many years and this collection puts 111 of those poems on page for the first time.

 

 

RECORD REVIEWS  

By Phil Thornton

 

‘Of a Mancunian’ by Mike Duff

 By Andy Vaughan 

If you don’t count scribblings on the back seats of the 123 bus and postings on football messageboards then Of A Mancunian is the first collection of poems by Mike Duff. The author of Low Life and The Hat Check Boy has been writing poetry for many years and this collection puts 111 of those poems on page for the first time.

 

 

God Save the Queen 

By Anthony Leahy 

In a report commissioned by Gordon Brown, former Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, suggested that an oath of allegiance could serve as a persuasive and subtle means of making our nation’s youth abide by the basic values of British-ness. 

 

How To Get Started In Online Poker

By Ross  


First of all let me disect the myth that online poker is rubbish because you can't see the players and you can't bluff.  True, you can't see the players but that's pretty much where that statement ends.  As for bluffing, I bluff all the time in online poker, as do most other players. 

 

 

 

DON'T LET IT BRING YOU DOWN

By Clancy Eccles
 

More years ago than seem credible when viewing my fresh-faced visage, I used to work with Neil Young. Not the falsetto-voiced, over-rated Canadian singer/songwriter but the pretty average, not very famous, former Manchester City striker.

 

BOSS

By Brian Wilson 

It's over 20 years since the city of Liverpool had a thriving fanzine scene.  I used to buy 'em all, me; 'The End', 'The Garden Party', 'Faith in Pleasure', 'Alice', 'Merseysound', 'What's The Score', and 'The Subterranean', to name but most of them. 

 

 

ESF Reunion

By Alan Metcalfe

If you never 'stood', when 'it' 'went off', get the following date in your diaries.  The ESF - the notorious 'Everton Shithouse Firm' - is having a reunion in advance of the Villa home game.  Now all in their late 40's and early 50's, the ESF was a regular sight at both Goodison Park and Everton away matches some thirty-odd years ago. 

 

 

Everybody Out!

By John Connolly 

When any television programme refers to the eighties, they always show the stock footage of yuppies in Bugsy Malone pin stripe suits, gargantuan mobile phone stuck to their bad gel head, shouting SELL SELL SELL as they hoped into a red Porsche Carrera.

 

 

T.V. Eye

By Ron Asheton

Man Man and Dirty Sexy Money have holes picked in them by our guest T.V. reviewer

 

     
March 2008    
     

Take up Thy Samsonite & Walk Pt3 

By Meyer Lansky

THUD! THUD! THUD!....."Ronny? That you?" I croaked "No its me you fool" said the yet unrecognisable female voice at the door. "Come on then hurry up I'm getting cold" The now recognisable voice said.

 

 

Analyse This

By Bernie Bostik

I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano...I don't really, I have much better dreams than those on the subject of some Doctors wife. My dreams have a hell of a lot more diversity & strangeness to them and some nights they even have me waking up in cold sweats.

 

Death of ‘The Hero’, birth of ‘The Bastard’

By Anthony Leahy  

Once upon a time, when football was littered with heroes beyond reproach, support for your idols was on a par with revering your mum and dad. Now, with the Premiership awash with TV money, the heroes seem to have disappeared. Do ‘idols’ and the beautiful game just not mix any more?

 

 

 

CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH!

By Phil Thornton 

When did the Red Coat revolution happen? When did music critics stop distancing themselves from the artists and become mere reporters? When the likes of Nick Cohn and Lester Bangs offered their highly personal, subjective yet analytical critiques of the music industry as it was in the 60s and 70s, they did so as mavericks, as writers who were unafraid of upsetting the apple-cart.

 

Late Night Poker

By Bernie 'Cincinnati' Bostik

Before you had all the razzmatazz that now follows the many Poker tournaments that bleed from our screens on a multitudes of channels on late night telly, you only had the original and still the best 'Late Night Poker' on channel four for all us night owls out there.
 

 

 

Apocalypse (cash) Cow! 

By Iggo

Yes , January 11th 2008, was truly a great day to be alive. My faith in real Liverpool journalism had been restored. Booming headlines on the front page of the Liverpool Echo   said it all; “ It is here at last…………..Official……… Welcome to Liverpool, European Capital of Culture 2008,”

 

Transmitting Live From Mostyn Docks - Café del Lar Jukebox

Playlists and Classics from keepers of the vineyeards of vinyl or something...

 

 

 

Cringe When You’re Winning 

By Kirsty Walker  

Awards. I never get any. Actually, I once won Best Film at the Lymm Film Festival, beating a short film which had been made by David Yip. Now every time I see him in some marginal TV stereotype role (‘David Yip as Laundry Manager, David Yip as Takeway Manager, David Yip as Chinese Prime Minister’) I have a silent chuckle to myself.

 

Those Dailylea Lunchables NME Nominees In Full

By Phil Thornton 

It's that time of year again as those corporate whores from a once proud musical institution retreat ever further into mainstream banality with their annual 'less controversial than the Brits' DAIRYLEA LUNCHABLES NME AWARDs. This year's not-at-all predictable- our-sponsors-can-bank-on-these-fellars-to-shift-a-few-lunchbox-treat nominees are :

 

  Blog at the Brits

By Anton Chigurh

 

7.03 pm: Greetings from Earls Court, where the great and good of the music industry are currently feasting on their starter of salmon mousse (served in a mini kilner jar with sun blushed tomato and dill cream) and quaffing back fine wine as they wait for the Brit Awards to start.

 

 

All-year Round Shorts Enthusiasts (ARSES)

By Phil Thornton 

There I am wrapped up warm against the sub-zero Arctic blizzard and up walks a fellar in a pair of fucking Everton shorts and a jarg Emporio Armani t-shirt. What is with these whoppers?

 

 

PIGS IN SHITE  - SWINE RATES

By Phil Thornton 

The return of big-fuck off logos on sports kits. Have you seen the size of the Kappa badge on the Italian rugby team’s shirt? It’s fucking massive! Forget subtlety and being unobtrusive, we want to see the return of giant chickens and naval insignias on footy kits next season…or else!!

 

FILM REVIEW - JUNO

 

By Martin Hall 

 

There’s nothing more irritating than football journalists or pundits annointing a team or player of the season in September.  It is, as they say, a marathon not a sprint and football is not the only context where early, rash conclusions can make the predictor look foolish.  T

 

  Swine Fashion Picks

By John Connolly

Some decent coats and trainees for those who don't really care much for this site and stop reading it when they figured out how to source the adidas Japanese imports for themselves..oh yeah, I've left out the gear my fellow red and blue cousins will be rocking in Italy, so there

     
     
February 2008    
     

CHRIST ON A BIKE! 

By Phil Thornton

There we are walking the dog (or rather waiting for the dog to shit) in Delamere Forest and a gaggle of cyclists pass us by, then stop to stare rather suspiciously at some horses in a near-by field. Fuck all wrong with that I suppose but then I notice the fish symbols on the back on their specially designed kagools. These people are Christian Cyclists!


 


 


 

 

Fairytale of New Yorkshire

By Kirsty Walker 

Christmas and rock music go together like turkey and avian flu. When rock musicians try to encroach on the dusty glamour of the festive season it always ends badly, like an office party where the boss leaves at 9, or an attempted family reunion with that uncle who’s out on bail.

 

 

 

 

 

WHY DO ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES ENTER THE SOPRANOS DRAGONS DEN

By Bernie Bostik  

That fella with the boss eye who does the bbc's finacial programmes: Welcome to a special edition of Dragons Den this week, were we have four very special Dragons for you....

 

 

The Arcade Bunkin' Coalition

 

By Wonderboy



Most of us have been a member of the ABC at one time or another and the ones that haven't probably won't be the kind to be reading this type of journal anyway........so fuck'em  on the horse that Mummy & Daddy bought them to ride in on.

 

Liverpool Number One Project - Liverpool Kings Dock Arena

By Dave Richards

Liverpool - Capital Of Culture 2008. I'm not exactly sure what that means, to be honest, but I am looking forward to seeing some decent bands (and Premier League Darts) at this new arena at the Kings Dock, so when I found out on the Thursday before there were still some tickets left for this Number One Project thing I snapped them up, one for me and one for Sybil.

 

 

Swine Takes Centre Stage at Capital of Culture Celebrations

By John Connolly

Well, sort of! I got down to St. Georges Hall with time to spare, good job too Lime Street was already chocka with revellers. The stage already looked impressive, St Georges decked out with two massive screens and weird lighting.

 

WHAT’S EATING GILBERT & SULLIVAN 

By Phil Thornton 

In the last decade, the concept of the ‘experiential’ has supposedly replaced the materialistic. It’s not just about  salaries and possessions and all that 80s crap, it’s about swimming with killer whales off the Alaskan coast, cuddling up to baby orang-utans deep in the rainforest, circumnavigating the globe on a hot-air pedalo, pogo-sticking along the silk route wearing a deep sea divers suit and flying to fucking Jupiter on a magic bogroll.

 

 

  Red and White Shi-ite

By Richard Cunningham

Hasnat Khan is cooler than the Fonz.  Or so thought Princess of Hearts, Lady Diana Spencer, who, after going out with virtually everyone apart from me, Fred West and Larry Grayson, finally found love with the beefy moustachioed heart surgeon of, er, 'hearts'. 

 

 

 

 

Martin Carthy St.Bride's Church Liverpool
 

By Peter Doherty


You want culture well St.Bride's Church had it in full. Offered a spare ticket to see one of the legends of British Folk & with a spare Saturday due to getting snotted by Texas 'Oldham in the last round of the cup I couldn't resist. Firstly though I had to navigate from Walton to Percy St on the edge of Liverpool City Centre.

 

  Pariah - Colin Stagg

By Alan Metcalfe

It's a horrible generalisation, but you just know that a book is going to be cak when the font is large.  This is a train journey from Liverpool Lime Street to London Euston type-read, and John Steinbeck it ain't.  And it's ghost written.  Still, nothing ventured  . . .

 

Scran Franks Diary

By Scran Frank 

Monday

Breakfast - pancakes

Dinner - salmon bagels

Tea - chicken soup and dumplings

 

  Swine's Lazy Arse Film Guide

By Alan Metcalfe

Regular readers will be aware of my liking for solo trips to the movies and, already this year, I've caught an embarrassing 9 films in total.  Arsed, though, if I can be bothered doing a comprehensive review of each of them, or deconstructing what the Director was really trying to say.  But, first, a word about the cinemas themselves. 

 

Pure Genius

By Roy Batty

Child Genius is a returning series, similar to ITV’s landmark ‘Seven Up’ programme that will document the lives of ten of the UK's most gifted children as they grow up. It became patently obvious from the start that the majority of the parents had serious issues.

 

 

Swine Fashion Tips 2008  

By Phil Thornton 

With the success of films such as The Prestige, American magicians, Penn & Teller have teamed up with Clark & Teller to produce a range of Harris tweed capes and Goretex top hats which come complete with a rabbit and a set of hankies that go on and on for ever. Inspired by this latest youth craze, Paul Daniels has teamed up with Paul Smith for a unique PD for PS line.

 

This Is The One - Daniel Taylor

By Martin Hall
Christopher Moltisanti, The Sopranos: “I take a lickin’ but keep on tickin’”

Twenty-one years is a long time. Forty-nine short of a lifetime, I know, but long enough to establish your own space programme and see a piece of metal land on another planet. Long enough to raise a child and look on proudly as he throws bricks at a neighbour’s windows. Long enough to make a mark. Somewhere. Anywhere.

 

   
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

 

January 2007 Archive

CHRIST ON A BIKE! By Phil Thornton

Fairytale of New Yorkshire By Kirsty Walker 

WHY DO ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES ENTER THE SOPRANOS DRAGONS DEN By Bernie Bostik  

The Arcade Bunkin' Coalition By Wonderboy

Liverpool Number One Project - Liverpool Kings Dock Arena By Dave Richards

Swine Takes Centre Stage at Capital of Culture Celebrations By John Connolly

WHAT’S EATING GILBERT & SULLIVAN  By Phil Thornton 

Red and White Shi-ite By Richard Cunningham

Pariah - Colin Stagg By Alan Metcalfe

Martin Carthy St.Bride's Church Liverpool By Peter Doherty

Scran Franks Diary By Scran Frank 

Swine's Lazy Arse Film Guide By Alan Metcalfe

Swine Fashion Tips 2008  By Phil Thornton 

Pure Genius By Roy Batty

This Is The One - Daniel Taylor By Martin Hall

 

 

December 2007 Archive

The Best Of 2007 By Various Swine

Worst New Years Eve Ever – Dec 31st 1997 By Kirsty Walker 

Capital of Cash In Remix  By Gerry

Bash the Rich - Ian Bone  By Paul Webster

Shed Seven – Liverpool Carling   By Kirsty Walker

Finton’s  Festive Faves  By Finton Stack

Have you been writing in that Radio Times…?  By Finton Stack 

A Top 5 Hit for 'Clout' in the Summer of '78  By Nicholas Drake

The Alun Parry Band @ The Carling Academy, Liverpool   By Bernie Wright

 

 

November 2007 Archive

Take Up Thy Samsonite & Walk - Part Two    By Meyer Lansky

 

Bernie's Yuletide Log  By Bernie Bostik

 

The Ones That Got Away  By Jimmy Tarbuck

What Would Jimmy Pursey Do?  By Jimmy Pursey

Allsorts of Christmas Memories  By Jegsy Dodd 

WHAT’S EATING GILBERT & GEORGE?  By Phil Thornton

Damien Kelly - Dead Kelly & Other Rants 

MobileAct Unsigned  By Kirsty Walker 

The Cracked Jaw/I'm Only Bleedin' Blues   By Bobby Zimmerman

Rise Of The Footsoldier  reviewed by Jonathan Toss

Control  By Mike Love

Shack Live in Liverpool  By Graham Ennis and Dave Wiggins

Review - Complete Punk!  By Paul Potts  

THE JOY OF TEXT  By Jimmy Tarbuck

American Gangster and Z Channel Reviews  By Peter Doherty 

Cocaine  By Yail Bloor

Can't Stop Won't Stop - A History of the Hip-Hop Generation  By Peter Doherty 

 

 

October 2007 Archive

Take Up Thy Samsonite & Walk By Meyer Lansky

DIB DIB DOPES By Phil Thornton

The Bootleg Alan Metcalfe By Bernie Bostik

THROUGH THE WIRE By Martin Hall

The Swine Free DVD Collection Club By Danny Evans 

Poems By Higgo, Nolan Jones and Jimmy Joyce

Top Five Shittest Gangsters By Kirsty Walker 

Bully Beef By Phil Thornton

Billy's Boots By Duncan Hamilton

CRYING AIR By Jimmy Tarbuck 

Time Machine - The Best of Shack By Paul Potts  

Music Review and Playlists By Phil Thornton

Rancho Huevos and Other Stories  By John Connolly

Pigs In Shite By Phil Thornton

Americas Next Mobster By JT Dolan

LIVING THE DREAM By Jimmy Tarbuck

 

September 2007 Archive

Tony Wilson By Phil Thornton 

Point Me At The Sky By Bernie Bostik

Monumental Hypocrisy  By Kirsty Walker 

Bill Drummond - Liverpool or Why Andy Warhol Is Shite!  By Phil Thornton 

Ha Ha I'm Drowning By Alan Metcalfe  

Bernie & Son By Bernie Bostik

Gone Fishing By Phil Thornton 

The Lizard King By Gordon Gecko

2 Many DJs and the Cafe Del Lar Playlist By Phil Thornton 

The Bootleg Mark Chapman By Alan Metcalfe 

The Boys (1962) Dir Sidney J. Furie By Phil Thornton

 

August 2007 Archive

Fit & Proper by Phil Thornton

Football Punk  by Andrew Vaughan

On The Groovy Train With The Farm by Bernie Bostik

Poems Everybody! by Dickie Davies and Scal Pacino

Loch Fyne by Phil Thornton 

Stay out of the Black by Ozzie Osbourne

Do Remember The First Time? by Danny Evans

Swindlers List by Kirsty Walker

Raspberries PYO by John Connolly

Argentina Launch Plus Cafe Del La by Phil Thornton and Ste Connor

Shoot To Kill by Sir Ian Blair

Ramble On by The Rumpo Kid

Steely Dan by Ste Connor

Classic Albums by Phil Thornton

 

 

July 2007 Archive

The Who Live at Scalingrad - By Frank Hobbs

 

 

Zero Tolerance - By Phil Thornton

 

 

Holiday...Celebrate!!! - By Ozzie Osbourne

 

 

Swine Great Lost Albums - By Alan Metcalfe

 

 

You tell the story I've heard ten times before... - By Bernie Bostik

 

 

Slick Rick - By Phil Thornton

 

 

Record Reviews - By Phil Thornton

 

 

What's Your Wag - By Bernie Bostik

 

 

Book Reviews - By Phil Thornton

 

 

Candy Opera - By Alan Metcalfe

 

 

June 2007 Archive

Anniversary Fatigue - By Phil Thornton

Book For The Football Stir Crazy - By Peter Doherty

Music reviews - By Phil Thornton and Peter Doherty

First School Trip - Valkenburg Holland 1983 - By John Connolly

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE -Tales of a Wannabe Journo - Jamie P

The Perry Boys - By Peter Doherty

Bon Voyage! -  John Connolly

Do Drugs make you more creative? - Bernie Bostik

Davy Graham at the Zanzibar, Liverpool - Dave Richards

First Holiday Away After Leaving School - Bernie Bostik

Summer holiday when you left school - Phil Thornton

Lugging Boxes at Bargain City - Alan Metcalfe

This Is England - Danny Evans

Breakfast Fan - Dave Kenny

It Was The Best of Times - David Kenny

Big Mistake - By Dickie Davis

 

 

May 2007 Archive

The EH? EH? Team by Phil Thornton

Music Reviews and Playlists by Phil Thornton & Ste Connor

What's Eating Moby Dick? by Phil Thornton

THE LOW LIFE AND TIMES OF MIKE DUFF - by Andrew Vaughan

Rio Carnival - by Paul Cunniffe

MOONBOOTS : PAID IN TAPAS & OTHER TALES by Phil Thornton

Swine Classic Albums by Dave Streets, of Kenny

Live Reviews by Shunter & Kirsty

 

 

March 2007 Archive

Rough Ramblas by Neville Keighley

The Yanks Are Coming! by Peter Hooton

The Drugs Don't Work by Bernie Bostik

RTW - Reclaim The Wools by Bernie Bostik

World of Sport That's Gone Wrong by Degsy Melia

Lars Tunbjork at the Open Eye, Liverpool (9 Feb - 5 April) by Phil Thornton

RIP The Garden Festival Hall by John Connolly

Weapons Of Class Destruction by Ozzie Osbourne

Hotel Babylon Blues by Bernie Bostik

Mac The Hack  by Carl Mc

THE KINGS OF CAMP – A TRIBUTE TO JOHN INMAN by Finton Stack

BARCA 2001! by Peter Hooton

Music Reviews

Legends by Bernie Bostik

 

February 2007 Archive

Girls Girls Girls Girls... Bernie Bostik  Film Reviews -  Peter Doherty  Music Reviews -  Peter Doherty, Phil Thornton and Liam Ronan  Live Reviews -  Ian Holloway and Liam Ronan  Collins & Maconie V Swine -  Phil Thornton  Keep Yer Nose Up Clean -  Phil Thornton  My Bloody Valentine  Holden Caulfield  The Man With The Golden Arm  Otto Preminger -  Phil Thornton  Random Musings on the End of Civilisation -  Mike Cotgreave  The More I See The Less I Believe - Shaun Smith  BRITHYLL by Dewi Prysor - Chris Collins  The Good Food Guide-  Ozzie Osbourne  Champion Tossers Put Tosser Champions To Shame - Kirsty Walker  Self Reclamation Society - Daniel Nicolson  Chindit Lit - Dave Richards  My Funny Valentine - John Connolly

 

 

January 2007 Archive

Flickin' Against the Pricks  What’s Eating Gilbert O’Sullivan?  IT WAS A VERY BAD YEAR  Pictures of Lily   New Year - the gear  Too Many Cooks?  best/worst of 2006  Easy Levee  Ozzies House Of Death  JAKE AND DINOS CHAPMAN 

 

December 2006 Archive

What's Eating Moby Grape?  Ruined in a Day  Doin' Me Swede In  I Love Christmas  The Plane Boss, The Plane!  Flicking to Kick and Other Festive Football Frolics  Sprog One's IPOD  Christmas Cheer  An Apple a Day  Old School or New School  Old School or New School  Borat - Cultural Piss-taking of America  Green Hell  Brand Identity  Film Reviews 

 

November 2006 Archive

Identity Theft and Veiled Racism  Through A Glass Darkly  You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too, Jamie  Peter Coyle Interview  Hood: It Be Magic?  Nuclear Fission  Remember Remember  Euro Red - What the Fuck's a Euro Red?   Branded!    This Back's On Fire  All The Leaves Are Brown  Mill Town Menu  Jimmy Carr Live  VELAZQUEZ at The National  Sock It To Me  Jacket In!  'Hamster' Relives Ordeal  Notes from a trainee journalist  Film Reviews Saturday Love, Flyte Time, Fight Time  TUBE OR NOT TU-BE

 

October 2006 Archive

Good Trip, Bad Trip  Like Black Holes in the Sky  First Visit With Psilocybin  The Knights of the Drugs Table  Lets Take A Trip  Scarborough's Fair  Get Your Freak On  MONSTA MOVIES, METAL GODESSES AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GENTLEMAN JIM MEETS SHINYA TSUKAMOTO  Biennial Blues  5-4-3-2-1 Rant!  Book Reviews Oh Well I'm The King of the Swingers  Dan Carter Lights, Camera, Sit On The Couch 

 


September 2006 Archive

The Great Moustache Debate  First Offence  The Adventures of a Nobody  Rough Guide to Foreplay  First Offence - 100% Pure Wool  Where Have All The Rastas Gone?  Stars Are Stars - Kevin Sampson  Brilliant Orange  From Hoeness to Trezeguet  My Early Courting Days  Spazzy Off The Top  Northern Soul and The Damned United  Never Been Good At Thieving  911 Is No Joke  Gary Wild Interview  Meltdown For The Mindless - Peter Coyle

 

August 2006 Archive

Hacienda - First Time  Abergele Next Time  Hells Angel  Wigan Casino "Rock On"  Canine Blues  Open at Royal Liverpool  The Making Of Rob Bryden’s Annually Retentive  Si Si Je Suis Un Scally  The White Horse Caravan Park  Getting High At The Movies  Restaurant Review - THE FAT DUCK  IF THEY'LL LET YOU ON THE PLANE WITH THEM HERE ARE THREE BOOKS FOR THE HOLIDAYS  A Healthy Obsession

 

July 2006 Archive 

Do You Remember The First Time?  Destiny's Child - The First Time  Summer - The First Time  Do Chips Come With That? - The First Time  Kavos 2001 - The First Time  Friggin' in the Riggin'  The Horror! The Horror!  Tatton Park Vintage Car Rally  Rule of the Night - Trevor Hoyle  Quiggins and the Queens Cuz  The Tour  The Avengers  

 

June 2006 Archive

Terry Jones' Barbarians  Your Memories Start With ITV  Review - The End Of Art Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite  There's Gonna Be a Riot!  In Which We Serve The Mazzy  The Voices Didn't Make Me Do It  Magyar Moments

 

May 2006 Archive

Funky Monks  To Affinity and Beyond  The Great Outdoors  Amongst The Cyber Thugs Golf Punk  Lost Plot  Catch Us If You Can  Broken Biscuits  Highbury The Final Salute The Filth and the Fury

 

April 2006 Archive

Full Time Father  Maid Marian  Bell Boy   Jimmy Johnstone  Grand National  Re-Generation Game  Keep On Reachin'  Rivet Head

 

March 2006 Archive

My Beautiful Neighbourhood  Tainted Love  Dig!  Dodgy Bay   Where Angels Play  Spike Island Free With The Mail on Sunday  History Man  When Clapping Was Spot On

 

February 2006 Archive

The Kids Are Not Alright  35 Years In a Convent  The End - Is It Really 25 Years?  Back To The Future  Death By Nostalgia  Western Swing  Some Kind of Monster  Lost Psychedelic Classics  O Mito

 

More 2005 Archive

Stag Party in Blackpool  Folk Music  Working Class Hero   China Crisis  Northern Soul Rock Against Racism  Glastonbury   Lost Psychedelic Classics  O Mito

 

 

 

 

Best of Archive

Phil Thornton: Off The Wall; Love Is The Message; TV Breakfast Holocaust

Martin Hall: Title Fight; FC United

Andy Bird: Man v Beast; House of Bukta

Marc Butterwood: Massimo Osti; French Riots

John Connolly: Wade Smith; Psychedelic

Dave Richards: Porn; Play Station

Tug Benson: Aussie Pink Floyd

Johnny Finger: Creamedfields

Dave Wiggins: Tuesday Night and the Gates Are Low

Keith Wildman: Shack

Andrew Vaughan: Walsh Sport

Peter Doherty: No Direction Known

Ste Connor: Canada Dry

Lord Borth: Lord of the Manor

Liam Ronan: Sheffield Scene

 


 

 

 

 

 
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