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Stay Out of The Black

by Ozzie Osbourne

My good mate Paul "The Roofer" Lindley as he`s known on the darts circuit once went on Bullseye. Yes Bullseye as in Jim Bowen & Television.  

Pin (Paul)  got to go on the show about 10 years ago. He had to choose someone to answer the questions (obviously this man was known as "The non dart player"). Also the person had to be quite clever.  

So Pin chose "Little Derek" from The Brookhouse. Derek (last name slips me right now) was about five foot one,six stone & wore a pair of glasses that Diedre Barlow would shake her fucking head at. He ran the darts & doms teams. Incedently Derek had only split with his wife a few months prior to the show.  

So they go on the show. Pin steps up to the oche "What question would you like from Paul" Jim asks Derek. "Sport Jim please" is his reply. BANG! Bullseye from Pin. "A 200 pound question on sport Derek. . who plays at Maine Road?". Derek looks puzzled then goes for "Everton". "Oh dear,thats incorrect Derek" Jim replys. Pin is stood there looking fucking gobsmacked. Pin steps up again "What would you like from Paul" asks Jim again. "Food Jim" replies Derek. BANG! Bullseye again from Pin. Derek then gets this question correct. 200 quid. Lovely. 3rd time up to the oche "What would you like from Pau ?l" asks Jim. "Television" Derek replies. BANG ! another bullseye. Derek then gets his question wrong but they won enough money to reach the next round.  

The next round is were the 2 darters play each other & the darter who scores the most with 3 arrows can answer a question for that amount. Pin goes off 140. His oppnent hit about 26. Jim says"140 quid question Derek". Derek didn `t have a fucking clue. The opponents took the 26 quid.  Next 3 arrows from Pin 100. Opponent got 45. Derek fluffed the next question. Opponents then took 45 quid. Last 3 darts before the prize board & Pin hits another 140. Opponent hit 60. Derek then had a 140 quid question to go to Bullys prize board. Jim then named the 3 muskateers,and asked for the one who wanted to me a musketeer (Dartagnon). Derek by now was shaking like fuck. His specs had steamed up & he`d gone a funny colour. He was completely blank. He got timed out by Bully. Pin by now was thinking "what the fuck?". Anyway the opponents went on & won the round & went onto the prize board. They ended up winning quite a few prizes.  

Now the humorous bit. It turned out that Derek had had a nervous breakdown on the show. He had to be taken from the studio on a fucking stretcher backstage. Straight off to hospital. When the team who had won the prizes refused to gamble against Bullys star prize the second team usually get the chance to have a go. But because Derek dribbling like a basket case & was on his way to hospital Jim Bowen had to say "Ladies & gentlemen i`ve had a chat with Paul & Derek backstage & Derek has said that he`s not even thinking about gambling so there`s no point coming back out"

 Yeah right,he was on his way to fucking hospital in a straightjacket. Pin to this day is probably one of the best darters they have had on Bullseye.  

Great,Smashin,Super eh ?





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