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What’s Eating Gilbert & Sullivan?

By Gilbert O'Sullivan 


Gilbert - The Secret Millionaire/Kevin McCloud’s Big Town Plan  

That’s just what we need; puffed up dough heads picking and choosing ’deserving’ causes from the massed ranks of those horrendous ’poor people’ and writing out ’life-changing’ cheques for 10 grand to set the saps up in business as fruit and veg plasterers and oh so socially conscious architects ’collaborating’ with poor downtrodden council estate types to improve their communities via the magic of design. Now, that whopper Wayne Hemingway has tried this before with the residents of Skem and for some bizarre reason Tony Wilson’s bird was also involved in similar schemes to regenerate East Manchester. What these ’experts’ have to offer other than cheap platitudes and chin stroking insults is never made clear but I’m sure the poor people will be made up someone with a posh voice is taking an interest in their predicament. This is exactly the type of Victorian values wonderland dreamed up by Thatcher and her cronies. Take government both national and local out of the equation and allow private philanthropy to take over, whether that’s the neo-Ruskinian ’self-improvement’ schemes of McCloud or the ’something must be done’ attitudes of the wealthy and (not so) guilty. It’s the Dragon’s Den school of humiliation before reward, carrot and stick economics.


Sullivan - South Ossetian Hypocrisy  

Three cheers for Vladimir Putin, the best Russian gaffer since old Joe went off to the great bug Gulag in the sky. I love this fellar! Ofcourse the Yanks whine about international law whilst conveniently brushing illegal Israeli bombings of Lebanon and Palestine under the carpet. The period of Russian chaos seems thankfully to have past and all that remains for Putin to do is kidnap the likes of Abramovich and Berezovsky and try them for corruption and treason. That’ll fuck up Chelsea’s plans to win the Inter-Toto cup. Bush has been huffing and puffing for years now well Putin’s called his bluff. Whatcha gonna do it about Texan? It’s one thing bombing fuck out of medieval desert tribes and thety can’t even do that properly, which is why The Red Army pulled out of Afghanistan suckers. Let’s get back to the cold war proper eh? I kinda liked it.


Gilbert - Adrian Chiles  

This cunt’s the anti-Bin Laden, he’s everywhere! I’m older than the phony West Brom nugget too. That can’t be right. He looks and sounds like an eighty year old man trapped inside a 14 year old boy’s body. He’s supposed to be the BBC’s secret weapon, the kinda fellar who fellars who never to go the alehouse say ‘he’s the kinda fellar who you can have a pint with.’ He’s chummy, a tad irreverent, in a non-offensve, I know which side my bread’s buttered kinda way, he’s got a ‘regional’ accent which is dare I say daring for the BBC but an accent only as slight as Ray Stubb’s ‘scouse’ accent, so’s not to scare the horses like. He first appeared on some ropey Tory business programme only watched by retired FT readers with half their pension fund spread bet over 3000 bluechip goldmines. Now he’s the new Frank Bough except without the S&M and cocaine fetish. He makes Gary Lineker look under-exposed, he makes Graham Norton look well utlised. And he’s banging that fit Irish bird too. Makes you fucking sick it does!


Sullivan - Joey Barton hysteria 

15 game ban? If we’re all gonna bow down to tabloid pressure, perhaps it’s time the FA stopped going for the soft targets and got a grip of Thaksin Shinawatra and his trial jumping, jury nobbling antics. OK, Barton’s a tit, the kind of tit who’ll never learn the errors of his ways because he’s mentally unbalanced and can’t behave differently. Just as Gazza or Collymore couldn’t help themselves, which isn’t to excuse them just to understand that some people whether or not they’re rich footballers, are ILL. So, let’s see how those FA hard nuts react when the shit really hit’s the fan and the International Court Of Human Rights come a knocking at their door. Perhaps their token toff stooge Prince William can have a word with the privy council.


Gilbert - Alex fucking James
This whopper makes even Adrian Chiles look screen shy. He's got columns in the Independent and other national papers, he's never off lame brain telly shows and is currently waving a conductor's baton around in an effort to appear civilised and cultured. What exactly is the point of this tit? His sole contribution to Blur's undoubted genius was to wobble about flopping his swede whilst attempting to smoke a bifter in the mistaken belief that this made him appear kinda reckless and sexy. Ronnie Wood and Keef Richard can get away with smoking on stage because, they ARE reckless, sexy and here's the point; TALENTED whereas you're just some posh beaut who got lucky.
So now after Albran's career has deservedly gone stellar and that nerd guitarist has secured himself a role as some kind of indie icon and the drummer lad's a pilot for Ryanair, it's left to James to carve a niche out for himself. But, like Prince's Wills and Harry, he's not really intelligent or skilled at anything so falls back on that old trick of the landed gentry; he's become a gentleman farmer. From third rate Britpop bassist to professional cheese bore in a decade! Now there's nothing new in that; the history of rock is littered with similar acts of pomposity. The likes of Bryan Ferry, Roger Daltry and Kenney Jones have all adopted aristocratic postures, the trout farming, polo playing pseudo-toff rocker has been with us since the 60s when royalty cheques were paid in millions and Cockney lads becoame lords of the manor and voted Tory. James likes to boast about his Groucho Club coke snorting years but compared to the speed addled, LCD frazzled, coke crazed, smack scorched excesses of Daltry, Jones, Richards, Woods and co, the lad's a pathetic lightweight.  Stick to cheese lad.
Sullivan - People who are too hard to indicate
Taxi drivers we know are far too pig ignorant to bother letting fellow road users know whether they're about to turn left or right or perform an emergency stop or a 3 point turn at 60 mph in a 30 mph zone. We expect it of the selfish, Tory nobs but more and more it seems are roads are full of Toytown Tony Montanas who think that by refusing to indicate, they're some kind of tough motherfucker. Look at that, they think I didn't indicate because I'm too hard to indicate, I am the law, I am all powerful and I do as I please, I go my own way and my way doesn't require a flashing bulb to tell others where I'm going, my destiny is pre-determined and I am subject to no man's petty customs and manners because I AM THE GOD OF ALL THINGS AND TO INDICATE IS TO DISPLAY WEAKNESS.          






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