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There’s a brand new dance…………….. 

By Finton “Clean living under difficult circumstances” Stack. 

 

………..but the thin white Duke couldn’t remember its name. Well, I suppose that’s what holing yourself up in Berlin mainlining smack with Iggy will do for you. Anyway, that dance was called “fashion”. A concept which has increasingly little relevance for me these days. There comes a time in every man's life when he's actually glad that he's too old to be "fashionable". I'm 39 & think I've just about reached mine. What's left of the barnet is way too short / bald to do anything with except a number one so I'm unlikely to ever have to face the dilemma of whether the messed up moulding gum with Garnier Fructis ( whatever that may be ) will give me the kind of hair that's 17" tall at its apex. I fear I’ll never again be able to juggle footballs & come within an inch of decapitating a mate’s head like that pair or twats on the ad.

 

It’s much the same story clobber wise. I know what does & doesn't suit me & I know the likes of John Smedley, Aertex, Paul Smith, and Marks & Sparks etc just somehow look that bit more classy. Especially when compared to the latest de rigueur "Boxfresh" slashed to the waist ironic "Judas Priest" rhinestone V necked effort or the ubiquitous Gio Goi dayglo effort. What on earth has happened to Gio Goi? A once great Mancunian label  responsible for THE great strapline of the early 90’s ( “dodging the rain and the bullets” ) which now seem to exist primarily to clothe men over 40 who really should know better or men under 40 who aspire to be Pete Doherty. And who should really know better.

No, I know what I like & I like what I know. However, a couple of weeks ago I was forced out into the big wide world of high street retail because I needed a new pair of smart shoes for a wedding.

What a shock this was.

The shoes themselves were, by & large, shit. There appears to be a straight choice between classic English Brogues straight off the feet of Tucker Jenkins et al or the kind of winkle pickers Russell Brand would knock back on the grounds of them being "a bit pointy". Throw in Adidas re-issue after re-issue, factor in the continually bemusing popularity of the “neither shoe nor trainer" trainer & the overall conclusion is that the British footwear retail business is at a particularly low point.

Then we move onto the clothes themselves. Aside from the cases I’ve pointed out further up & the fact that every Tom, Dick & Josh seems to have appropriated terrace classics such as Munsingwear & Lyle and Scott for their own purposes, there’s the whole "Mr. Men" t-shirt business. Based on the Roger Hargreaves children’s characters & featuring characters such as "Mr. Strong", "Mr. Rude" or "Mr. Lazy", they now appear to be as omnipresent as the slogan t shirts sported by their female counterparts in Walkabout & Revolution bars the length of the country a couple of years ago. You remember the ones? Provocative stuff displaying both self perceived attributes & an alarming level of self delusion. Slogans like “Hot Stuff”…. “Jail Bait”…. “Gang Rape Me & I Wont Press Charges”….that kind of thing.

Anyway, based solely on the people I've spotted wearing these t shirts, I've come up with a couple more :

"Mr. Roid" - a curious blocky shaped character, red in the face with appalling skin. Sporting a full arm shit tribal tattoo, holding a bottle of growth hormone in one hand & a copy of "Flex" in the other.

 

“Mr. Henpecked” – a browbeaten figure sporting a 3 in 1 haircut & clothes a good 5 years too young for him. Usually accompanied by an overbearing girlfriend.

"Mr. Twat" - a
pompous looking character wearing a t shirt featuring a much loved character from children’s literature.

Fashion? I've shit it.

Right, where's me Sta Prest......

 



 

 

 


 

 

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