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WHO REALY KILLED JILL DANDO? A SWINE SPECIAL REPORT
By Nick Ross
Now that Barry George has been cleared and come up with perhaps the funniest quote of the year ‘i don’t want people to go ‘there’s Barry George, he killed Jill Dando, I want them to go ‘there’s Barry George he DIDN’T kill Jill Dando’ it’s no thanks to vile hacks like the Mail’s Geoffrey Levine who after his acquittal continued with such damning slurs as this;
‘George worked for a while at the BBC and still regularly picked up copies of the BBC magazine Ariel, some of which contained photos of Jill Dando!’
That’s proof enough for me mate. Hang him! Now no-one’s saying that an incompetent Scotland Yard and a salacious, sensationalist press colluded to send an innocent man down for life because he was an easy target of limited intelligence and could be demonised as a vicious, cold blooded killer although there was no forensic or circumstantial evidence to link him to the murder. That’d be an obscene allegation. Two words; Stefan Kiszko!
But the question remains; if Barry George didn’t kill Jill Dando who did? After extensive research at the Casa, Swine has compiled its own list of possible suspects based soley on blind prejudice and idle tittle tattle.
SUSPECT – Camilla Parker-Bowles
MOTIVE – was jealous of the ‘Queen of Daytime TV’ and felt she was the only real challenge left to her crown after having Diana bumped off by her mates in MI5.
EVIDENCE – Rumoured to have clapped wildly and yelled ‘Gotcha Bitch!’ after hearing of Dando’s demise.
ALIBI – Says she was sucking off Prince Charles at Balmoral at the time of the murder, which is corroborated by Paul Burrell who was secretly filming it.
CONVICTION RATING - Unlikely – CPB has high level establishment links to the CPS and the CBI and the CIA and CSL.
SUSPECT – Nick Ross
MOTIVE – Felt Dando had become ‘too big for her boots’ as his Crimewatch co-host and disliked her publicity attracting antics.
EVIDENCE – Once wore a t-short to a BBC staff party that read ‘Kill Jill!’
ALIBI – Was out of the country filming an episode of Crimewatch On Tour at the time.
CONVICTION RATING – Unlikely – co-host killers are rare but Ross certainly fits the bill; outwardly likeable and dull but in the inside a raging mass of pent up hatred and resentment.
SUSPECT – Robert Murat
MOTIVE – Felt snubbed after offering to translate Crimewatch programmes into Portuguese and being kb’d by BBC bosses.
EVIDENCE – Looks a bit shifty.
ALIBI – Claims to have been eating tapas with his pals on the Algarve at the time of the murder.
CONVICTION RATING - Very likely – no evidence whatsoever to link him to the murder but has bad skin and lives with his ma.
SUSPECT – George Michael
MOTIVE – Offered to record a charity single for Children In Need with Jill called ‘Sex Me Arse Ways’ but was turned down in favour of a duet with Cliff Richard called ‘Lovely little children of the world, let’s love them all (except the ones who have bits missing n’ stuff)’.
EVIDENCE – Former Wham pal, Andrew Ridgeley claims to have seen Michael pointing at the tv screen and making a gun shape with his fingers whilst Jill read the 6 o’clock news before making a gun shot sound and blowing away smoke before laughing hysterically and screaming ‘Bye Bye Miss Goody Two Shoes!
ALIBI – Claimed to be wanking off an LA cop in a public toilet at the time.
CONVICTION RATING - Highly likely – George’s pot smoking and casual bumming antics have left him open to charges of murder plus he’s made many enemies amongst the powerful music moguls who have links to organised crime and Serb war-lords.
SUSPECT – Barry Scott
MOTIVE – Obsessed with wiping every surface clean, including TV SCREENS!
EVIDENCE – One witness claims he heard the killer yell ‘Bang! And the grease is gone!’ as he fled the murder scene.
ALIBI – Said he was filming a new Cilit Bang commercial at the time of the murder and had a shiny new penny to prove it.
CONVICTION RATING - Unlikely – Barry’s popularity with housewives is sure to see him cleared of any potential charge.
SUSPECT – Sue Dando
MOTIVE – Pissed off with everyone getting her confused with Jill Dando.
EVIDENCE – Was once overheard muttering ‘There’s only room for one fucking Dando on telly and that’s ME!’
ALIBI – Photographed on-stage singing ‘Big Gay Heart’ with former Lemonhead singer Evan Dando at the annual People Called Dando convention in Colorado at time of murder.
CONVICTION RATING - Unlikely – Sue Dando is friends with Lord Falconer and other legal big-wigs who will protect her, even if guilty.
SUSPECT – Barry George
MOTIVE – Lonely feeble-minded fantasist obsessed with women, some of them famous, most of them not.
EVIDENCE – Lived close to victim, had photos of thousands of women in flat, some of them of Dando, most of them not, once tried to rape a woman who might have had blonde hair JUST LIKE JILL DANDO, once arrested trying to break into royal palace where Princess Di might have been staying who looked a bit like JILL DANDO but not much. A tiny fragment of gun residue was found on George’s clothes which may have also come from the police lab or carried on the air by a passing pigeon.
ALIBI – Claims he was stalking some other bird at the time.
CONVICTION RATING - GUILTY! The guy’s a wacko, a wing-nut, a Welsh pit pony with extra Wacko sauce.
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