Home Contact Us Archive              

What’s Eating The Jackson Five?



Sky Plus whores – OK you expect the likes of Grant Mitchell and even Lord Anthony Hopkins to take Murdoch’s dollar and crack on they set the Sky + box to record Ross Kemp Wanks Off Squaddys In Helmand or Hannibal The Cannibal v Predator, but Sheila Grant? We thought better of Sue ‘Just A Normal Person’ Johnston? Or maybe we didn’t. After all Sue’s an OBE these days and puts on some kind of weird posh accent for her numerous voice-over jobs for ropey documentaries about mad people’s kens and stuff. See how the advert cuts to the photo of her and fellow sell-out Ricky Tomlinson, in their roles as Jim and Barbara Royle? Cherished TV icons, household names! Forget their past as rabble rousing socialists, Bobby n’ Sheila Grant because Brooky and lefty politics is soooo 80s! No, focus on the LFC mug on top of the fridge. Make the connection? Murdoch = Sky = Sun = Hillsborough. It’s sooooooo easy, just press the button, forget your principles, take the cash and away you go!   



Casuals United – look when me and our Tito first zapped our first pair of Forest Hills, we never thought it’d end up almost 30 years later with a load of BNP beauts in bad baseys running around Brum getting battered by angry Asians. Is this what so-called ‘casual’ has come to? Never mind they’re using the cover image from Swine politburo member Thornton’s book in their tawdry and frankly laughable youtube videos, these self-styled English Defenders couldn’t defend a free kick taken by Stephen Hawking never mind jihadist terror campaigns. The cover image used for ‘Casuals’ was inspired by some potty Italians in the 30s but it wasn’t Benito and his black shirts who Massimo Osti was celebrating but the wacky racers of the Mille Miglia. It’s never been politics or music or football that really united those of us who are vets of the Terrace Retro forum, but a shared passion for fine clothing, an appreciation for the aesthetics of modern and classical casual tailoring. Unfortunately it’s the younger generation of ‘casuals’ who’ve watched Nick Love films too many times and older whoppers who discovered Stone Island in the late 90s who don’t understand the culture they claim to represent.       



Are you a retro-socialiser? According to the new giveaway Gordon’s Gin sponsored Telegraph Friday supplement, retro-socialising is all the rage with Telegraph reading young fogeys acting out their bourgeois Brideshead fantasies. Yup, if you’re one of those self-consciously ‘eccentric’ whoppers who enjoys cultivating Victorian mill owner facial hair, dressing like George V on a grouse shoot and listening to old Churchill speeches on the crystal set whilst flicking through The Chap, then retro-socialising is the very thing for you. As an antidote to the dreadful urban problems of modern living perhaps acting out scenes from a romanticized past appeals most to those least capable of living in the real world; y’know posh people, Telegraph readers and Billy fucking Childish! Cunts!



Big Brother is to axed by Channel 4 after a decade of desperate fame junkies and exaggerated Geordie accents have kept us enthralled/bored rigid during the summer. I was in a shit hotel room in Leeds the night the very first BB was broadcast and thought ‘this is utter shite, it’ll never last.’ How wrong I was. Maybe the public’s need for cheap voyeurism and tolerance for talentless show offs has finally waned but somehow, I doubt it. It’s just the format that’s become stale and predictable. Even our Jermaine and LaToya appeared on the Celebrity version and made cunts of themselves! In the end BB was never a ‘social experiment’ as producers claimed it was, it was a chance for millions of people to feel slightly better about themselves at the expense of a shower of self-absorbed, mostly talentless fuckwits. Warhol would’ve loved it as a proof of his ‘everyone will be famous for 15 minutes’ prediction and maybe the very devaluation of fame and ‘celebrity’ has been worth it in the long run.



I’m dead! Shit! Hey Doc, you sure that shit is OK? I’ve just had two Hedex extra strengths y’know…..


Home | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright © 2007 Swine Magazine.   All rights reserved.