Home Contact Us Archive              

He's Got a TV Eye On You

By Iggy Pop Thornton


Benefit Busters


There’s this family I know who’ve never done a tap in their entire lives, the whole bunch of them; mum, dad, kids, grandkids, aunties, uncles, nephews, nieces have sponged off the state all their lives and have the barefaced cheek to demand more money from the tax payer every year; they get their homes paid for, they manage to run a fleet of cars and go on foreign holidays all the time all at our expense. This family’s name is the Windsors.


You see there are benefits scroungers at all levels of society it’s just that, for some reason, it’s the poorest and most vulnerable who come in for the biggest amount of flack from the government, the middle classes and their moralistic one-eyed media. Take the recent benefit Fraud adverts with their Finchy from The Office voice over; ‘Benefit Fraudsters; We’re Closing In! Ralph Ineson threatens as targeted scroungers get fingered by the dole’s Gestapo. Funny how they seem to turn a blind eye to, or cut deals with rich bastard tax exiles and  corporate tax evaders who take billions from the exchequer every year, yet seem desperate to claw back that 30 quid a week on the side that Billy or Tracy earn on top of their JSA. Where are the costly prime time adverts with ‘Tax Exiles/Tax Dodgers; we’re closing in’ eh? No, can’t afford to upset the big boys, after all the likes of Blair and Brown and Cameron will be seeking employment from these fellars soon enough.


This hypocritical and one-sided attitude towards ‘drains on the economy’ applies equally to TV; only on British television could a programme such as ‘The Duchess On The Estate’ get commissioned.  The premise for this seems to be that the ‘underclass’ require a lesson in good old fashioned self-reliance, hard work and community spirit from…..er, Sarah fucking Ferguson of all people!!  Yes, the so-called ‘Duchess of York’ (didn’t she lose that title when she jibbed her moron of a husband?) is on a mission to ‘Get Britain Back On Track!’ by passing through North Moor in Wythenshawe lecturing scallys and forelock tugging whoppers on the benefits of community values.


What qualifications this civil list sponging parasite has for ‘Getting Britain Back On Track’ is never made clear but she IS ‘committed’ in an aristocratic ‘something must be done’ kinda way, that commitment seeming to start and end with a ten day fly-by visit to hand picked ‘deserving poor’ types and local dignitaries who can’t resist the regal clout her plans to renovate a local building into a community centre provide. It’s breath-taking that these inbred aristos never for once question their own reliance on the state to maintain their extravagant up-keep whilst dishing out platitudes on the work ethic to the lower orders.


In keeping with the trend for similar ‘philanthropy begins at home’ type programmes such as ‘The Secret Millionaire’ and ‘How The Other Half Live’ ‘The Duchess On The Estate’ never question the social and economic reasons why millions of people, through accidents of birth remain rooted in poverty whilst others, whether through their own talent, skill or luck or, more likely through exploitation, ruthlessness and good old fashioned inheritance, manage to lord it over the common folk, dishing out alms and advice to those deemed worthy or desperate enough of their benevolence.


Allied to the tut-tutting of old money, people like Hayley Taylor, the ‘star’ of Channel 4’s ‘Benefit Busters’ series sees her role to get single mothers back into the workplace as an act of charity. As she dishes out the kind of vacuous job-seeking ‘dos and don’ts’ that makes Pauline from The League Of Gentlemen sound like Plato, (don’t chew gum during an interview!! etc) Hayley personifies the desperate condition of internecine class hatred in modern Britain.


Make no bones about it, Hayley despises her ‘customers’ far more than Sarah Ferguson despises the populace of North Moor. Camouflaged behind the preposterous 80s fashions of a woman who has spent far too much time reading quack motivational manuals, her hideous hatred seeps out. When one single mum claims/confesses  that ‘she’s paid too much to do nothing instead of working’ Hayley almost explodes with suppressed glee that one of her charges has articulated what millions of fellow Daily Mail readers believe; the system’s all wrong they say.


And they’re right, it is all wrong but not because benefits are too high as Hayley and her confused pal soon discover, but because New Labour’s ‘flexible’ workforce is paid at such an appallingly low rate that there’s no financial incentive to escape the benefit ‘trap.’ In short the existing benefit system is bankrolling a slew of exploitative employers who offer little more than short term, lowly paid, zero job satisfaction opportunities for an almost 19th century semi-educated workforce. Hail the Anglo-Saxon model of modern workforce flexibility in all its phoney joy Santa Claus hatted glory! 


From her humble semi-detached parlour, Hayley irons another hideous outfit for a seemingly opportune ‘tea and chat’ meeting with the ‘social welfare’ company head honcho who lives in the kind of extravagant country pile that Sarah Ferguson’s kids would sneer at for being ‘soooo nouv.’ It’s the highlight of her entire miserable life, it’s her garden party with the queen moment, the culmination of a life spent adulating some and despising others.        


After insulting, brow-beating and humiliating her ‘babies’ into accepting two weeks unpaid trials for minimum wage shelf stacking jobs at Poundland, Doncaster’s Doley Diva congratulates herself and her company for helping these pitiable women back into the ‘job market’ because ‘who else would do it?’ Well, the old jobcentres used to do it actually until bits of it were privatised in the 80s and 90s, paying for country mansions for self-satisfied ‘social welfare’ gurus with messiah complexes and wages for self-deluded ‘Getting Britain Back On Track’ harridans like Hayley fucking Taylor.


Sarah Ferguson seems a simple enough soul; in her own primitive mind she probably thinks she’s ‘doing her bit’ much as Prince Charles is no doubt utterly sincere in his views regarding modern architecture, climate change, the fate of the bumble bee and the role of mistresses in a 21st century marriage. But, y’know so fucking what? Charles is an incestuous aberration as were his parents, his grandparents and his imbecilic offspring.  If his princes and Sarah’s princesses are so fucking intelligent and talented let them make their own way in the world instead of providing state sponsored occupations and hobbies for them. Then they’d maybe earn the right to pontificate.


Funny how the architects of ‘meritocracy’ the self-made men and women of Daily Mail land continue to worship the idle rich whilst still pouring boiling oil on the ‘benefit scroungers’ of so-called ‘sink estates.’ Hayley Taylor and her ilk are perhaps more objectionable than the Charlies and Sarahs of this world because they DO know better, they probably do understand that success and failure has little to do with talent but everything to do with opportunity. Maybe Finchy could ponder that the next time a voice over wedge is waved in front of his ugly Yorkshire fucking face.


Home | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright © 2007 Swine Magazine.   All rights reserved.