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Dear Swine,

I’ve always worn trainers but this summer have been tempted to buy a pair of those flimsy plimsoles everyone seems to be wearing these days. Can rocking a pair of plimsoles ever be justified in this day and age?

Ged, Tuebrook

Swine replies :

Ged, plimsoles are for schoolies and grannies and even schoolies and grannies stopped wearing them in the 70s so the simple answer is ‘no!’ Plimmy’s are an abomination, a disgrace to footwear fetishists the world over. You might as well buy a pair of slippers lad.

 

Dear Swine

I hear slippers are gonna be massive this autumn. Can you recommend any hip n’ happenin’ styles?

Mike, Leigh

Dear Mike,

Slippers are indeed tipped to be the latest craze to hit the Park End in mid-September, matched with baggy boxies, grey knee length hiking socks pulled right down to the ankle and an aul Ocean Pacific t-shirt with rocky burns all down the front for that authentic 1984 doley look that’s all the rage in Netherley these days.

Dear Swine

My wife says I always look a state and should dress my age like Gary Lineker or Alan Shearer but I reckon Big Ears and Baldie dress like pure beauts. Who’s right?

Tommy, Skem

Dear Tommy,

Your missus has been too busy watching Gok Wan and 10 Years Younger. Tell her to mind her own fucking business and stop buying shite from Cricket just so she can look like an even fatter version of Stevie G’s bird. If we wanted to dress like off duty bizzies, we’d go and get a store card for Flannels.

Dear Swine,

How come you lot reckon you’re so up on the fashion scene when every time I see you, you’ve got a pair of reissued Trimm Trabs in disgusting colours and a Lyle & Scott t-shirt on?

Joe, Stoke

Dear Joe,

That wasn’t Swine you saw, it was Swine’s twin brother! We dress like members of the Austro-Hungarian aristocracy circa 1856 and subscribe to The Chap so fuck right off!

 

 

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