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Who's Buying Liverpool Football Club? The contenders....
By Steve Comet
Sheikh Abdul Bin Dipper Al Maghulli - better known as 'the brass torturing playboy prince of the UAE', Al Maghulli is one of the richest men in his tent and has a life long love of twatting brasses and getting his pals in the FO to cover up for him. Although he will only talk through an intermediary, the Canadian based Yemeni proporty speculator, Ali Campbell U-bee-forti who stresses that no official bid has been made or even discussed with the LFC chairmen Sir Humphrey Bombmaker, rumours are rife that the 'Arab Connection' have been sweet talking various members of the Poltergheist Of Paisley (POP) supporters group and Cher Liverpool (The Liverpool branch of the Cher fan club).
Jao Tsu 'Benny' Chung - one of China's wealthiest gangsters, 'Benny' made his fortune on spread betting syndicates and fixing badger bating contests across the world. Known to be a charming but ruthless operator, Chung has managed to bankroll a string of titty bars and car dealerships across China simply by paying corrupt local party officials massive bribes and inviting leading bureaucrats to his palacial home where they are treated to a variety of perverted practises performed by small dogs and monkeys. The Ghouls of Houllier pressure group have joined forces with the Phantasms of Fagan incorproating Ecloplasm of Evans to give Chung some much needed 'consultation' on keeping the fans happy.
Prof Phil Redmond & Prof Rogan Taylor - Liverpool's best known self-publicists have joined forces to launch an audicious bid to buy up to 0.5% of the club using a consortium of local businessmen such as Billy McNodough and Charlie Brassic. Their chances may be slim but there's no denying their appeal to the local media. Redmond said 'Just like when I shamelessly appeared with my new mate Dave Cameron to launch The Big Society, so I will attach myself to any useless cause if only to appear on Granada Reports for 30 seconds.'
Pancake and The Bird Of Prey - two of Liverpool's most colourful underworld figures have put it around that are willing to pay off all LFC's loans, build a new 70,000 seater stadium, reduce season tickets costs by 70% and put aside over £300 million to purchase the best players in the world. The board has understandably rejected the bid out of hand saying both gangsters are far too honest to be dealing in the cut throat world of Premiership football.
Ringo Starr - the former lead guitarist with The Ruts has been linked to a bid although there is no evidence for this and Ringo claims not to know Liverpool even has a soccer ball team.
Swine magazine - local so-called satirical 'webzine' (that means no-one actually reads it) has proposed a Barcelona style ownership system whereby the club is bought by the council and shares distributed equally amongst fans who elect the club's officials on an annual basis. Liverpool council however say they have no intention of using public money to bail out a failing business because all the public money's already been spent on bailing out failing banks.
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