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By Phil Thornton
‘Yeah I work all the doors in town me lad, Poundtwatter, Hovels & Bargains, Tenbobthelot, all the big names. I’m the top man in St John’s me, that’s why I get to hear all the latest news on what’s going down with the lads. Everyone thinks it’s just banging bagheads all day and lashing aul Lills in the back room til the bizzies get there but that’s only PART of our job. Really I’m more like a diplomat, sorting out beefs with all the top crews, they all come to me for advice like. Just yesterday this lad comes over to me….
‘Ok lad, what’s the dance kidda?’
‘I’ve got Joey Macca after me, any chance of having a word mate?’
‘See what I can do lad, leave it with me eh?’
I’ve known Joey for years see, me and him are like that lad, did a five in Kirkham with him back in the 80s, so I know one word from me, and it’s all sorted. I couldn’t sort it in the end, Joey Macca shot him in the leg, but that’s Joey Macca for yer eh? Won’t listen to anyone…not even me! You know the waltz eh lad? Is right!
Take just this morning, three of the Huyton lot are in QuidWonderland buying their extra strong bin bags and bottles of two bob hypo, don’t ask me what they need it for eh? You know the quickstep lad eh? Is right! So I’m over there letting onto Big Kev and he’s like….
‘Eer y’are lad stick these in a fucking basket for me eh dickhead.’
I know he’s only having a crack wid me, that’s what me and im are like, always having a bit o’banter like and then it all goes off and this little fuckin’ weasel has tried to have a big fuck off jar of Roses off and I’m straight onto him, knocked the cunt flat on his face, sparko lad, tellin’ ya and Big Kev goes to me…
‘Y’big daft prick!’
Always a top grin in this sketch lad. You know the Latin boogaloo eh kidda? Is right! All the birds love me too, I’m always havin a crack with the girls in Sayers opposite, they call me Fat Lad, just for a laugh like cos I’m always in there for me brekky, getting one of those steak bakes on a barm lad, fuckin’ gorgeous they are. I’ve been hanging out of the girl who does the sausage rolls, gotta face like Fellaini’s arse but that’s boss innit, no other cunt’ll be sniffin’ after her eh? You know the paso doble eh kidda? Is right! Laughin’. Innit?”
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