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THE 12 BALL-ACHES OF CHRISTMAS
By Suede Shoes
1. Having to send cards because “they'll send us one”. Maybe if we don't send them one they'll stop.
2. The retina-wrecking sight of a boozer full of bright shiny new Lacoste jumpers. (I avoid Salford till new year).
3. People wearing Santa [sic] hats. Though this instantly and usefully marks them out as a bell of the highest end, they're ruining it for the kids. There can be only one.
4. Going out for a pint and encountering a Works Do. A pub full of people who never go to the pub. Wearing Santa [sic] hats.
5. Semi-scouse, celebrity slag Kerry Katona's shiny face everywhere advertising 'traditional' Christmas food. 100 deep-fried prawn spawn for a pound.
6. That first trip to the Offy when the Christmas booze you've bought in specially runs out.
7. Having to peel yourself out of the armchair and strain to the Offy on Boxing day.
8. Advertisers insistence on telling me what would make a 'great Christmas gift idea'. I havn't got a micro-chip in me brain just yet ta.
9. Missing the traditional Christmas holiday morning showing of Jason and the Argonauts because the booze ran out again so the night before had ended with a bottle of port. (Christmas just isn't Christmas without a bit of Harryhausen).
10.The pointless obsession of associating Christmas with snow. It never snows at Christmas, never ever has and it never ever will. Its a farce, a sham and a marketing scam. Still, fingers crossed. You never know.
11.'Secret Santa' or Bran Tub for the traditionalist. Buying a present for someone you normally wouldn't buy one for and probably don't like. It can cost you up to a fiver and be careful because some people will whine like fuck if you buy em a can of Lynx and keep the change.
12. People who say 'Santa Claus'. Such people have dinner at tea-time and eat 'Barms' for 'lunch' [sic]. His name is Father Christmas.
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