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Keith Bastard v Humanity
By Keith Bastard
Have you noticed that some people are just utter twats?
Here's a random list of some of the people that have been winding me up the most lately...
Loud people who think they're funny but are actually just twats
I encountered a group of these on a rail replacement bus between Chester and Hooton recently; sitting at the back, making shite jokes and singing songs about fannies. You're not funny - not even post-modern funny - you're just a fucking twat and I'd LOVE to hit you in the face with a house brick.
Methadone? I don't think so; just give them a dose of pure smack. Good riddance.
People who eat noisily in cinemas
What's wrong with these people? I go to the cinema to watch films, not to listen to these greedy bastards wrestling with a bad of cheese and onion crisps throughout the screening. Stop stuffing your face and watch the fucking film you ignorant twat!
Scallies who think they're proper hard
You've seen them - with they're hoodies up and they're socks pulled up over their trousers, trying to intimidate members of the public and throwing things at buses. Not only are they scum, but they're parents are scum. If the government had any sense they'd introduce a zero tolerance policy towards these shits and sort them out.
Some people in California
The 2008 American election was a victory for history and common sense. While a majority of the electorate in California voted for Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States, over half of them also voted to ban gay marriage. The only people that have a problem with gay love are religious nuts and the sexually insecure. It's the 21st century for fucks sake! Some people are gay - get the fuck over it!!!
Diehard football fans
All a bit pathetic innit? "I go the match all the time so that means I'm brill." Fuck off, you just like seeing lads running around in shorts - nothing wrong with that but at least admit it and stop pretending to be a dead hard fella. This includes: Liverpool fans who joke about Munich, United fans that joke about Hillsborough, and Everton fans who blame Heysel for the fact they've achieved NOTHING for years.
And, hey girls, why not go and watch some women's football for a change and support your own gender instead of slobbering over the men's games because - at the end of the day - you're not a proper fan, you just want to be a WAG.
Only joking ;)
People who care more about X Factor than real life
Ignorance is bliss, but these fuckers take the piss. Prime example: Colleen Nolan off Loose Women said she'd rather vote for someone on X Factor than vote in a general election. First of all, why is this woman allowed on telly? Second of all, try Googling the 'Suffragettes' or 'World War Two' you braindead twat.
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