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Brand Identity


by Phil Thornton



Ray Winstone eh' Diamond geezer, Ray. Straight up, stand up kinda fellar. He don't stand on ceremony Raymond, nah he just tells you like it is. Calls a spade a spade and calls a slag, a slaaaaaag. Plays the same part in every single fucking role, from Carling in Scum to Henry VIII but in an ocean of Jeremys and Ruperts, he's an island of Rayness. Just the kind of No Bullshit British Bulldog to front an advert for Kellogg's new 'health' cereal, 'Optivito' infact.


Optivito' Sounds more like a Belgian techno label than a collection of I dunno, oats, bran, fruit and nuts; the usual cereal deal I'm guessing. See, no matter how many times they try and re-jig the formula and try to sell us the same old shit they've been flogging Mr and Mrs Supermarket LazyBastard consumer for the past 30 odd years, there's no getting away from the essential breakfast cereal truth; this stuff is a poor substitute for cremated bacon, pig's dick sausage, watery mushrooms, snotty fried egg, thickly buttered toast, tasteless tommys, coronary dipped fried bread and offal heavy black pudding with a mug of piss weak tea, three heaped spoons of sugar love. Now, that's a brekky.    


I know it, Kelloggs know it, Tony Blair knows it and Ray fucking Winstone knows it too. Once upon a time this strategy was aimed purely at womenfolk. Whereas men sprinkled half a bag of Tate & Lyle over their morning cornflakes and kids were encouraged to devour pre-sweetened Frosties with a tigerish relish, weight conscious mummy and big sister were directed towards the supposedly nutritious Special K option. Same essential product, three different marketing strategies.


These days of course those New Labour reactionaries (they react instantly to whatever's eating the Daily Mail this week) introduce targets and dictats to force us to be cleverer, fitter, safer, altogether more y'know Blairish. Thus all kinds of junk food staples are now re-branding themselves as low in fats and artificial colourings and all that couch potato, morbid obesity doom n' gloom high mortality rate shit. From Pot Noodles to Dairylea Dippers, from Birdseye Fish Fingers to Smarties; they all want you to know they're part of the solution, not the problem.


Optivito don't go in for that. Oh no, they know you're an adult and don't like being hectored into dietary obedience. You can form your own opinions thank you very much, so here's every luvvie's favourite lovable Cockney thug, Big Ray giving it us straight. Don't look at Ray, he's not gonna tell ya what to do. But he is getting paid a very large sum in the hopes that you'll nod along to his anti-nanny state marketing spiel and go and buy a three quid box of Optivito and fool yourself into believing that you've got one over on Tony, Jamie and the rest of those sanctimonious foodie fucks.


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