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Film Reviews

by Peter Doherty

Now for some cinematography. Well 1 piece of surprising cine-whatever & 1 piece of psuedo-liberal dog turd. Lads & lasses of the discerningly attired classes I give you "Rocky Balboa" & "Syriana"


Rocky Balboa-Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Tarver, Burt Ward 

Right before I start I want to make one thing clear. This isn't writtne coz Sly came on the pitch at Goodison. Right. Let's make that clear.  The fact that it was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen at the match when he ran out is beside the point & as I pointed out to my mate,Drew, I never thought Everton would get me 40 feet from fucking Rambo.  Anyway it was funny & my lad was made up & is now growing his hair to "look like Sly. I don't want a skin like you". Cheers Luke ya weirdo.  Anyway after this he was desperate to see the film.  I loved Rocky & thought 2 & 3 were funny. When he belted Drago, after pulling a sleigh in Paul Michael Glazers jumper in Rocky 4 was a step to far though. I wasn't paying to go the flicks though & with the wonders of dodgy friends(cheers James) I got a hooky copy that kept popping up "Property of MGM" all the way through.  That I had trepidation though was an understatement. Time to give it up Sly.  Have I ever been more wrong’ It was fucking class,certainly for the first hour anyway. Sly is an old man,now widowed,living on memories & past glories with a fucking big thorn, in Paulie,hanging from his side. Philidelphia resembles a concrete version of Balboa as it has fallen into waste since Rocky battered the fuck out of meat in the abbatoir. Kid doesn't want to know,people speak to him only to hear about the past but he's redeemed by meeting "Little Marie" from the original Rocky. He gets his heart & life back with a friend linking to his past. That the fight premise is a million miles far-fetched doesn't take away,certainly for anyone who hung belief up before watching Rocky 1, from what is a cracking film to just sit,watch & enjoy.  Oh & he's an Evertonian,thanks Bill.




Shit. Don't really need to say more than that. The most over-simplified piece of liberal wank-off I've seen committed to celluliod. Like the Guardian & Independent on screen. Every American is either a greedy,corrupt Capitalist or a greedy,corrupt & occasionally murderous Government agent. Jihadi's are free thinking salt of the earth types. Spouting almost an almost Marxist version of the Whabbist doctrine,they kick about footballs,find their resolute faith whilst keeping bees & generally are entitled to 72 virgins coz how could we get by without 'em. Redeemers are wiped away by satellite from Langley & Hezbollah are the good policemen of Beirut making sure everything is equal & above board. How I lasted to the end I don't know. Maybe because I'm pretty well versed on the subject it might have been like watching a car crash,can't take your eyes off it no matter how bad it is. That it was made by Steven Soderbergh should have been a clue though,as he is responsible for the worst film I've ever seen. You know the much lauded,laughable "Traffic". Yes the one where the Drug Czar from the White House runs round doing smack dealers in to save his junkie daughter & a heavily pregnant Zeta Jones does a deal with Mexican gangsters to be their new associate after her old man is busted. Just shite. Perhaps thats why the chattering classes find this gumph so appealing’It appears to be reality when your a middle class opinionaire or an Ad Exec having dinner with Jacasta & Zeb. Sorry bellends but in the real world its fucking bollocks. If you want reality buy the books "Al Qeeda" by Jason Burke & "The End Of Oil" by Paul Roberts. Both works of prescient intelligence & a world away from this crock of camel shite. I want my fucking money back Murdoch.





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