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KEEP YER NOSE UP CLEAN

by Phil Thornton

Iím fed up of the haters here on Swine.  From now on, Iím only spreading positive vibes.  The only way is up! Donít worry be happy! It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  All that shití. sorry, all that PMA - Positive Mental Attitude - that helps us get through life free of pain, sorrow and regret.  As Homer Simpson once admitted,

ĎIím a rageoholic, I canít get enough Rageoholí

But now Iím cured.  Iíve flushed rage through my system, rattled all the bitterness, anger, envy, jealousy and self-contempt away and boy, do I feel GGGGRRRRRRREEEEEAAAATTTTTT!

Take Comic Relief for example.  Last year the old me wouldíve dismissed this as a hideous example of a cartel of comedy establishment hypocrites slapping each other on the back for being brave and caring enough to morally blackmail the nation into applauding their incestuous orgy of smugness under the cunning guise of social awareness and charity.  The old me wouldíve remembered the days when charity was a private matter and that fundraising usually entailed some form of hardship or endurance but now appears to indulge in all manner of sensuous frivolity; taxi drivers locking themselves in the local titty bar and having a sponsored all night beak, snooker and sucking sessioní. . all to send little Cheyna to swim with the killer whales in Cape Cod.  But thatís the old me, the jaded, cynical, glass half empty, always look on the shite side of life me.  Now Iíve seen that Will Smith film, Happiness, Iíve realised that negative thinking is a cancer that eats away at the soul and so I say to you dear Swine readers, look at the Comic Relief blurb below and prepare yourself for an evening of mirth.  

 

ĎFor a night of cracking comedy and the biggest celebrities strutting their stuff, tune in to the Red Nose Day Night of TV.  Top TV talents Jonathan Ross, Lenny Henry, Davina McCall, Graham Norton, Russell Brand, Fearne Cotton, Kate Thornton, Paul O'Grady and Chris Evans will be on hand to guide you through this TV extravaganza.

Some of the TV treats to look forward to on the night include the last ever 'Vicar of Dibley' special, exclusive Catherine Tate sketches, a Red Nose Day version of MTV's blingtastic 'Pimp My Ride UK' and special performances from Peter Kay, Little Britain, Ricky Gervais, Mitchell and Webb and many more. í

My, thatís like fun doesnít ití I only hope that some of my other favourite comedians turn up to make it even more special and raise more money for Sudanese refugees and little kids with brain tumours and the like.  People likeí.

Jack Dee

Johnny Vegas

Caroline Quentin

Alan Smith (that one with the curly hair)

Jeff Green

Harry Enfield

Julian Clarey

Paddy McGuinness

Dave Spikey

Anyone else who was in Phoenix Nights

Former members of Monty Python

Griff Rhys Jones

Mel Smith

Ralf Little

Craig Cash

Vic and Bob

Phill Jupitus

Paul Whitehouse

Bill Bailey

Three Non Blondes

Charlie Brooker

I could go oníí.

But hey, hereís something else to warm the cockles of your heart.  Itís Brits nominations time.  Why after the glow of pride had worn off with Dame Helen Mirren winning her well deserved Golden Globes by showing the world how truly upset Her Majesty was at the death of her daughter-in-law, The Princess Of Hearts (except she kept it all hidden in true Brit upper class stiff upper lip style so nobody knew) I barely had time to pour myself a cheering mug of cocoa before jumping for joy at the calibre of artist nominated for the Brits.  Just look at this parade of world beaters, itíll fill your Great British heart with joy.  

James Morrison

Lemar

Paolo Nutini

Thom Yorke

Corinne Bailey Rae

Jamelia

Lily Allen

Nerina Pallot

Muse

Razorlight

Snow Patrol

The Feeling

The Kooks

Sandi Thom

Leona Lewis

Take That

Will Young

Fratellis

George Michael

Kasabian

Robbie Williams

Oasis

 

Hey isnít modern ĎBrití music peachyí Iím so excited, not to say patriotically proud as punch to see such an array of talent on display and Iím especially chuffed to see one of our greatest bands of all time, Oasis receiving their due recognition for the outstanding contribution to music that they made.  I love Oasis.  They rock! Noel Gallagher has every right to compare his marvellously inventive and era defining rock ní roll style guitar band to the likes of The Beatles, Beethoven, Kenny and Hootie & The Blowfish.  They were all great ambassadors for this crazy thing we call Ďpopí (except Beethoven but he was Ďpopí in a classical sense I suppose).  Three cheers for Liam, Noel, Bonehead, Guigsy, Tonyí. . and the session fellars they roped in after their first LP, when, if anything, they actually got EVEN BETTER, if you can imagine a band improving upon a masterpiece such as Digsyís Dinner.  

Now some of you cynical Swine readers may conclude that Iím simply being sarcastic with all this fulsome praise but youíd be wrong.  Cynicism, as New Labour ministers keep telling us, is COROSIVE.  Antisthenes knew this and so does Hazel Blears.  So forget about millionaire businessmen corrupting the political system for their own ends and corrupt politicians protecting global economic interests under the pretext of democracy and war on terror because whereís that gonna get yaí A one way ticket to Miseryville, thatís where.  As a wise man once put it.

ĎA blind man may step in dog shit, but the deaf man laughs in silence. í

Think about that.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
   
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