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The Good Food Guide

 

by Ozzie Osbourne

 

 

Date - 5/10/06

Venue - The Christian Fellowship

Location -
South Shore,Blackpool

Chef - Thora Hurd

Tables - Bookings not always needed.

Prices - Varied

Dress Code - Dog collar prefered but not esssential.

Summary: - "On entering what`s known around these parts as "The God Squad Cafe" i was taken aback by the decor.Adorning the walls were huge cloth banners saying "Give Yourself To God" & "God Has Risen".These were obviously made at home by some suicidal whore.The background music was "Kum Bi Ya" & playing on the tv in the corner was The God Channel.Our table was in a qaint corner of the room & came adorned with various flyers for church fetes & prayer meetings.On inspecting the menu which included such delights as Cumberland sausage,bacon & beans, or bacon egg & hash browns or even the more exotic sounding home made shepperds pie & peas i decided to settle for Cumberland,bacon & egg on burnt toast.The waitress came over & she was obviously a high ranked waitress as she had "Jesus saves us" above her name.She asked for our orders."I suppose you`ve only got bread & fish on the menu eh" followed by "A bottle of holy water".Anyway after much joshing with the fucking freak i settled back & awaited my scran.Out it came & my toast was even done to my liking (Weston).Egg was not over snotty,the bacon had the fat trimmed off & the sausage was of very high standard.The cup of PG Tips topped off the meal.I decided to splash out & pay 90p for a homemade scone complete with best butter.All in all the cafe i`d rate at 9/10.A friendly freaky God bothering set of fucking fruitcakes serving up food to other Blackpool fucking fruitcakes at prices you can all afford.

 

 

Date - 23/7/06

Venue - Munchies

Location - Blackpool

Chef - Rudolph Hess

Tables - No need to book ahead

Prices - Extortionate

Dress Code - Iluminous vest over bare chest & rigger boots

Summary: From the outside this eatery looks like a family run buisness but upon entering you realise that it`s being looked after by Spider from Coronation Street & his obviously Romany girlfriend.The place has a tobacco filled smell & the walls are covered in anaglipta & Tower FM played away in the background.We take our seats in the corner & the seats hurt my back as the balsa dug in.On the table is a bowl of sugar with a brown blob in where the last customer had put the spoon back in covered in tea.The brown sauce bottle also had a pair of brown pissflaps hanging from the neck.We inspected the menu which contained spaghetti bolognese,chicken curry & rice but i settled for half a chicken & chips with mushy peas.As we waited on our meal i noticed that one of the workmen sat on the next table had a very bad twitch.Well it wasn`t a twitch it was more like a headspin.He kept sticking his chin on his chest then did a full circle anti-clockwise & back to the chest & then nodded.Fucking funny as fuck..When my meal came out i was slightly disappointed.I said to the gypo "Oi love i`ve ordered a chicken not a fucking wood pigeon".The chips were average & the mushy peas must have been put in a fucking blast furnace for 20 minutes.Nealrly burned my fucking mouth out.But the crowning glory of this cafe was the moment when "You spin me right round baby right round" by Dead Or Alive came on the radio.I gaffed out my wood pigeon & sat there in fits of laughter for 5 minutes.I had tears rolling down my face & i know that Tommy Twirl on the next table knew i was laughing at him.

All in all i`d rate the cafe at 6/10.It`s a cafe that is aimed at fleecing money from tourists & in fact i`ve seen cleaner surfaces in the rop room of a slaughterhouse.Next time i get robbed i`d prefer if the gypo cunts wore a fucking mask.

 

 

Date - 2/11/06

Venue - Teapot Cafe

Location - Lytham Rd,Blackpool

Chef - Billy Connolly

Tables - A lace cloth covered table overlooking the parked car

Prices - Sky fuckin high

Dress Code - Kilt,sporan & ginger hair preffered but not essential

Summary: - We arrived at this eaterie after spending 30 minutes driving around Blackpool looking for a car park space so we could go to Harry Ramsdens.However due to all the free parking spaces only accessable for spazzies we had to opt for a cafe lunch.The menu consisted of such delicacies as fish & chips or gammon & chips plus various jacket spuds.My eye though was attracted to the "Chefs Special" which was on a blackboard which was home made meat & potato pie with vegetables & priced at 3.20.I asked for it with chips & also a cup of tea oh & i asked her "are they garden peas? cos i don`t fucking like them".She assured me they weren`t so i expected mushy or Bigga marrowfat.The Scottish woman who served me then gave me 5 quid change from my tenner.I asked "I want a cup of tea not a bucketful".She said "It`s a quid for your chips".She then gave the orders to a bloke who i think was her husband but at first glance i thought was a local Blackpool wino.When it she brought it to our table it looked fucking disgusting.The pastry was thin as fuck & the filling was no better than lobbies.The chips were frozen chips & were a touch raw.To top it off the peas were garden fucking peas.

All in a fucking disgusting establishement that served fucking shit food.I should have known that a Jock run cafe that`s open in winter in Blackpool when all others are shut is fucking wank but i like a fucking fool gave them a chance.If you`re reading this Teapot Cafe owner on Lytham Rd...."Your cafe is fucking wank & your hubby who i pressume is also the chef is a big fat sweaty cunt who needs a fucking good scrub with carbolic".

 

 

Date - 11/11/06

Venue - Arnside Chippy

Location - Arnside (Nr Carnforth)

Chef - A camp looking lad who also worked the till

Tables - Lucky enough to find an outdoor table overlooking the sea

Prices - Very good

Dress Code - No dress code but back packs,cagoules & walking boots prefered

Summary: I was informed of this Fish & Chips bistro by one of my clients on Friday morning.I mentioned that we were going to Carnforth & planned on having fish & chips.He immediately told me to try Arnside.On entry to the eaterie i was greeted by a medium sized queue.This isn`t sometnig i`ve been familiar with in my past choices.So i waited my turn & looked around the place.No music was being played but there was cards which read "I`m not bald...it`s a solar panel for a sex machine" & "I often wake up grumpy....then after 20 minutes i go downstairs & she`s made my breakfast" aswell as other fucking shit inuendos.After seeing the menu i`d decided that i was having fish & chips but as i was waiting to get served the bloke in fornt of me ordered chips & peas.I though "fuckin hell them peas look good" so when it was my turn to order it was "fish,chips & peas please" (i`d already ordered my lightly battered fish on the way in).Now usually in my reviews i`d start to tell you about how the meal tasted..BUT !! & it`s a big fucking but.As the lad was serving me he did something i`ve never seen before.When he put my peas on my tray he didn`t put them in the middle of the tray he put them at an angle of the side of the tray so that the other half of the tray was dry.I almost said "Oi !!! spread them fucking peas out along the tray before i spread you all over the fucking street" but i decided not too.Then he threw the chips on & finally the fish (haddock).I threw just salt on then took them outside to sit on our bench.To say i was pleasantly surprised with the set up of the tray is an understatement.It was fucking top drawer.Some of the chips had stayed dry & free of the peas whilst others where in the corner with the peas.

All in all i`d rate this establishment 9/10.A fantastic chip oil albeit infested with those walking type cunts with beards & their children with posh fucking accents but definately an eaterie i would recommend.Would have scored 10/10 if the lad serving didn`t look as if he`d become a rent boy when he`s older.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
   
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