Home | Features | Music | Fashion | Interviews | Archive | Contact Us



Pictures of Lily 

by Finton Stack 


At times during 2006, it felt as if we were drowning in a sea of cunts. Aside from the ongoing Kate / sweaty moonface wankfest , we witnessed the rise of the Stage School kids. Their champion was Russell “dress sense of a widowed rag & bone man” Brand with his skanky hair & even skankier cock. Russell was once addicted to crack & smack but, being the notoriously publicity shy soul he is, rarely speaks of it.  He was ably assisted by those insufferable twats The Kooks. For those unfamiliar with The Kooks, they play the kind of melodic pop you could see Jamie Oliver tossing his worn out copy of the Toploader album out of the VW Camper van on some Tuscan back road for. Marvellous.


As if this wasn’t nauseating enough, we then had to endure “Spawn of the rich & famous.” The world famous DJ Peaches Geldof was the most prominent. She had it all – own column in the Telegraph, expert on the Muslim faith, a face shaped like Buzz Lightyear  & a “rockstar” boyfriend ( Donny Tourettes. A PoundStretcher Justin Hawkins who’s outrageous behaviour couldn’t disguise the fact he’s actually a nice safe middle class boy raised in leafy Buckinghamshire & “friend” of Leo Sayer’ ). Add to this a misguided belief that showing your fat pudendum in electric blue leggings is both trashy AND glamorous & her destiny of taking her mother’s “best blowjob in rock”mantle looked assured. The future looked bright for Peaches. Until the champion of MySpace ( the Murdoch / News International owned internet media phenomenon for friendless, lonely children with emotional issues & skateboards ) turned up with her Mockney bohemian overtures to spoil the party.


She was Lilly Allen, she was the daughter of omnipresent tiny cocked Welshman Keith & she was “down with da yoof” – after all, she spelt “London” as “LDN” ( just like the hip Black boys she wasn’t allowed to play with ). Fresh from the mean streets of Islington, every girl wanted to be her – or at least the ones who should have grown out of Hello & Heat magazine. Moreover, the media world LOVED her. Why shouldn’t they? She was one of them. She was hip, happening & now. Ready to shoot her beaked up mouth off at the drop of a hat. Oh, & she was from London ( very important in media circles ). One of the 3am Girls probably had the same ironic rock T shirt & gaudy bangles from Camden market. More importantly, “the kids” dug her. Well, the 798,567 “friends” on her MySpace site did. None of whom she’d ever met. Still, when you’ve got all this going for you, the fact that you’ve had 2 major record deals & fucked em up before you turned 21 hardly seems to matter.


Mind you, don’t be fooled into thinking Lilly was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Oh no – she’s had it tough. Despite her mother being a film producer & Lilly being raised largely by Harry Enfield ( presumably Keith was busy being fat & naked in both “Twin Town” & “Shallow Grave” ) she tells a heartbreaking tale of her poor careworn mother borrowing & scraping to get THREE ( count em ) lots of school fees together. Then there’s her battle with drugs. Expelled from numerous ( private ) schools because she “couldn't do a day without smoking an eighth of weed" she still struggles to this day. When asked how she would celebrate getting to no.1 she cheekily replied "with a load of gak". Mind you, the apple never falls far from the tree. Daddy used much the same tactic way back in the 80’s by appearing on a chat show with the slogan 'I Vote Tory and love cocaine' on his t-shirt. We can only assume the public had grown tired of seeing his tiny cock. Then again, she’s hardly alone in her circumstances. It's exactly the same as the Osbourne's. A spoilt, indulged daddy's girl ( the borderline Downs looking one ) raised without boundaries turns into a raging coke-head. Quelle surprise. And then proceeds to wear it like a badge of honour while Mummy wonders where she went wrong in the red tops


So as 2006 becomes 2007, we still have Lilly Allen riding high as champion of 8 year old girls & people who buy their music at supermarkets. Or service stations. There’s even talk of her doing a second album & moving to the States where, apparently, she’s mates with serial tuppence flasher Lindsay Lohan ( who’d have thought eh? Great minds & all that…. ) So, until the inevitable happens & she checks into The Priory with “exhaustion”, we’ll have to grin & bare it. Just think - the incessant self publicity, the watered down Lovers Rock ( it’s not even got the grace to be proper fucking Ska  ) &, most depressingly of all, the gall of a 21 year old girl foisting her life experiences upon us.


Presumably taking gak & getting dumped by your boyfriend.


I swear it just makes you want to smack that colossal forehead of hers & tell her to FUCK RIGHT OFF.


Ps – and make sure you take your fat tiny cocked father with you.


 Words by Finton Stack ( neither fat nor in possession of a tiny cock ).







Home | Features | Music | Fashion | Interviews | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright © 2006 Swine Magazine. All rights reserved.