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The Voices Didn’t Make Me Do It

by Dave Wiggins

Within the confines of being a murderous sociopath, Jeffrey Dahmer behaved as well as he could. Indeed, upon being convicted of ending the lives of at least sixteen young men, he did nothing but express his guilt and sorrow at what he had done. As ever, though, it was the voices; those anonymous disembodied musers, who apparently hector you on and on until you go out and commit some atrocity. The Dahmster had initially made every effort, apparently, not to yield to these verbal demands floating around his weird swede, but had eventually succumbed. The rest, like Jeff-baby, is history.

But what if ‘the voices’ had told you to do nice things, in order to validate your pathetic existence? The history books would have read a lot more pleasantly, if ‘the voices’ had forced Sutcliffe, Bundy, Ramirez, Manson’s acolytes, and prize fop Jeremy Bamber to simply :

1. Tidy their room

2. Sportingly applaud a decent 4-man passing move by the opposition

3. Go to the Kwik Save for an infirm octogenarian neighbour

4. Raise funds to take some orphans to Southport

5. Let a disaffected ASBO have the spare room

6. Switch off Big Brother if they use the ‘F’ word

7. Hand in that bus pass you picked up off the floor

8. Buy sparklers instead of a giant box of fuck-off fireworks

9. Don’t geg into the ‘10 items or less’ queue

10. Respect ‘street theatre’ performers and throw ‘em a sov

11. Don’t say, ‘how many quegs is that‘, when new BB housemates arrive

12. Wash the dishes properly instead of rinsing

13. Floss as well as brush

14. Offer to accompany Rose West on a home visit

15. Tell the constabulary that you saw everything, and make a statement

16. Grill your food, as far as possible, instead of frying

17. Change your serial-killer skids daily

18. And take regular showers (loony tune psychos stink)

19. Replace that manic stare with a smile

20. Utilise a ‘weapons amnesty’

21. Find a job instead of collecting Freddie Mercury memorabilia

22. Listen to Coldplay rather ‘Satan Spunk Eulogy’

23. Only see ‘PG’ classified films at the cinema

24. Stop watching ‘Forensic Detectives’ on Discovery

25. Send milk bottle tops to Blue Peter for Biafrans or something

26. Send Cisse a nice letter when Liverpool get shut

27. Do voluntary youth work in Croxteth, L11

28. Organise a Frisbee completion with the gypsies down the road

29. Teach local youths to stop saying ‘lad’ every other word

30. Respect Jill Dando as a presenter of note

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
   
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