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Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite

by Dave Wiggins

The re-appearance of Rebecca Loos on that ‘Celebrity X Factor’ thing was quite aptly timed, given that David Beckham’s kite has been all over the papers again, recently (what with the World Cup ‘n shit). For those who have been living on Mars, or St Helens, for the past 3 or 4 years, Loos was the former PA type-thing to Mr Beckham, and a real help to his wife - the ‘lovely’ (audible cough) former Spice Girl, Victoria Adams - as the latter attempted to settle to her new life in Madrid.

Now (and if this doesn’t make it into ‘Swine’, can the Ed please forward to ‘Heat, ‘Now’, or ‘Closer’, any of them, really), whilst ‘Posh’ (second clearly heard cough of the article) was busy sorting things out in dear old Blighty, shortly after Beckham had become a Galactico, old golden whatever was getting a little bored and frustrated rattling around his rented Spanish accommodation. Enter his ‘trusted PA’ who, whilst no oil-painting (like I can talk, mind), was a 100% improvement on the, ahem, ’distinctive’ looking Mrs Beckham.

The rest, of course, is history. Cue lots of late-night rumpy pumpy ’twixt David and Rebecca, followed by a whole series of ’steamy text messages’ - which, of course, Ms Loos retained as a handy insurance policy. Lo and behold - and Loosie must have been particularly prescient - one of her girl chums, to whom she had confided, leaked something to the press, and all hell broke loose. Now, at this early stage, Beckham could probably have carried out a bit of damage limitation, and got his people to come up with a line about him being lonely, and falling victim to temptation, etc, etc, etc, grasshopper. But, no. He committed the cardinal sin of a philanderer - he denied the other woman.

Well, sort of. He described the allegations as ‘ludicrous’, but (and I followed the story religiously) at no time to he say it had not happened. Loos, predictably, went ballistic (these women, eh, boys? You have a bit of how’s your father, on the side, and they won’t just be dropped like the proverbial hot potato. Tsk). Becks’ texts became public knowledge, in all their dirty-ticket, and grammatically appalling glory, and, overnight, Loos became both brewstered and a celebrity. Nice work if you can get it.

Over the intervening couple of years, the matter has resurrected itself sporadically, with Loos becoming something of a hate-figure; culminating in a disastrous own-goal by Beckham suckhole Ozzy’s wife, on the programme that I mentioned right at the start of the piece. In the old hag’s desperate attempt to curry favour with ‘David and Victoria’, she made it clear to the viewing millions that David had ‘been with’ Rebecca, and that the matter clearly still rankled. Loos, and Prince Harry’s dad, lapped up the publicity, along with the voting viewers support (despite sounding like scalded cats).

And the Beckham camp? Well, more oggy’s on a scale of that Colombian Centre-back in ‘94, I‘m afraid. A snooty spokesman said that the allegations, about David and this woman, remain - get this - ‘unsubstantiated’. Ha! Get a dictionary, mate. You might be able to confuse a lot of the public by using a word with ‘un’ in it, but not those of us who understand the difference between ‘unsubstantiated’ and ‘untrue’. If it is, as you put it, ‘unsubstantiated’, why not ask Beckham himself for clarification or substantiation? After all, he was there.












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