Home | Archive | Contact Us



Weapons Of Class Destruction

by Ozzie Osbourne

After reading a thread on a message board about the
things that kids never do anymore apart from walk
round with their hoods up (as if that`s a barrier for
a crack on the fucking jaw it got me thinking about
what i really enjoyed as a kid. Namely making weapons.
I wan`t a craftsman in the Viscount Findley mold but i
could make something to cause fucking mayhem &
hopefully mame someone in which they at least lose an
eye or body part. A few of these weapons which i have
recently handed over to the local constabulary i will
put on show for you. But remember Swinemagazine "It`s
not big or clever to use these on anyone"

The Catty. 

Proper fucking catty i mean. Down to the woods to get a
nice thick Y branch. Many a good Y has been handed down
over the years. Varnished by generations. Then off to
Marsh Green Aquarium for some black donkey elastic. It
stretched like fuck. Attach the elastic to the Y with
"cat gut" aka fishing line. The pouch is made from the
softest part of the shoe namely the tongue. Stan Jones
once went a whole school year with a large patch of
leather missing from his shoe after their Dave cut it
out with a Stanley knife for his catty pouch. Ideal
ammunition for the catty is "the marble". Anywhere
around the head & they are going down howling like a
fucking hound. But if it was someone you really dislike
then "The Billy" came out. For all you out of townees /
private schools / homosexuals out there this is a ball
bearing. Preferably large. This fucker once dropped a
llama in High Hall Zoo. The best piece of catty skills
i saw was Baez Johnson & than fully i wan`t on the
receiving end. That hon our went to Baez` brother
Chris. Each night after work Chris would have to drive
down to the Figure Of Eight pond on Scot Lane with
Baez`s tea. One night Baez said "Wait till i`vie ate
this then i`ll come home". So we waited. When Baez
finished eating he said "Pack me tackle up Chris". But
Chris walked off saying "Fuck that Baez it`s every
night this. I`vie been to work while you`vie been sat
here fishing all fucking day. No fuck off". Baez replied
"Don`t you fucking dare walk off Chris". Chris shouted
"You wont fucking catch me. ". Baez warned him again but
Chris took no notice then turned & walked away. Baez
then picked up a medium sized ducky stone & took aim
at Chris. "THWACK KKK !! Have some of that you
cunt". Straight in the small of Chris` back. He went
down faster than a fat dog on wet lino & resulted in
him screaming like a rape victim. Baz strolled over
nonchalantly,stood over him & said "Who wont fucking
catch thi ?". Yes for me The Catty will always be
king. The Ultimate Lads Weapon. 

The Bow & Arrow. 

Different varieties of these were found on Norley Hall
from the Grandfather made bow through to the cheapo
nastie bows with red suckered arrows. But for me the
cheapos were the best. Again heavy fishing gut is
attached along with the 4 of spades & queen of hearts
as flights. Then the arrows are removed of their
suckers & a hole is drilled wide enough to fit a 3 or
4 inch nail. This is then held in place with some
Bostik glue. When set the arrows are then ready to be
dipped in dog shit & a thick coating is
administered. Now to shoot someone in the leg. Once shot
Shauny Poo Poo in his calf & he told his Mam. When she
came round & bollocked me i said "Fucking hell it`s
only dog shit on it". Shauny Poo Poo was then taken to
hospital for a tetanus by his irate mother. 

The Ice Ball

Made & thrown meticulously by Mr Tony Ball. He`d sit
there for hours with his hands in a pair of his Dads
socks moulding his snow into his killer ice ball. Years
of fruition finally came to light when he hit Mike
Bennet on the temple with it from about 50yards. Mike
didn`t feel a fucking thing. All he saw was flashing
lights & woke up with a crowd round him kicking snow
on his face. One of those knock-outs where you can say
"I was there". Fucking brilliant. 

The Casey Football

Seems innocent enough doesn`t it eh ? Well let me tell
you something,it was the sneakiest piece of weaponry i
owned. You see when you get a burst one & fill it with
half house bricks & leave it on the field about 50
yards away & wait until some unsuspecting soul happens
to walk past,it then becomes a ticking time bomb. The
victim in this instance happened to be Stey Taylor. As
Stey came into view Little Jay (in on the offence from
the start) jumped up & pointed to the penalty spot
shouting "Go on Stey on me head lad". Stey took a run
up & kicked the fucker. BUMP !! It moved about
18inches. I`m in fucking tears of laughter here as i
type just remembering Steys face as he broke his foot
in about 3 places. It was that of horrendous pain &
suffering. By the end of the first day we had 3 people
in hospital (including one girl) with all of them to
return to Norley on crutches. 

The Biro

Now i know most of you will think "Spitting chewed up
paper through them isn`t bad Ozzie". Well my lovelies
let me tell you that Osbourne would rather spit in
your face than do it through a pen. My fucking pen
wasn`t used for that oh no. I got showed a trick by the
"cock of the school" which entailed rubbing the
plastic end (not nib) up & down fast as fuck against
the door frame (preferably white) for about 10
minutes. Then the pen became a hot melting plastic
stamp. This was then always administered to the neck
area of your victim. The sheer fright & terror on their
face as you stamped them certainly made up for the
grueling time it took to get it to the correct
temperature. The scab that arrived a few days later was
a fucking belter (bigger than your TB scab). About 60
people in our school ended up being stamped in all. The
teachers thought there was some sort of cult club
going on in school. Fucking happy days. 

Now listen Swinemagazine,you know the weapons,you`ve
heard the tales,now let me remind you ONCE
more. . . . . . . . . . "It`s all fun & games until someone
loses an eye"

Be careful. 







Home | Features | Music | Fashion | Interviews | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright 2006 Swine Magazine.  All rights reserved.