Home | Features | Music | Fashion | Interviews | Archive | Contact Us


by Andy Bird

Anyone notice the splurge of ads on TV by Sunday Rags giving away free DVD's to boost sales of their respective papers recently? 'What a bonzer idea' I can hear the marketing directors cry, let's face it, DVD'S cost nish all nowadays and what better way to spend your
Sunday afternoon than being partronised by what your paper deems to be your demographical film of choice?

The first one I spotted was Captain Corelli's Mandolin being given away by The Observer, spot on, right-on Crouch End bleeding heart luvvies Hilary and Charlie's fading memory of that romantic fortnight in Kefalonia brought back into focus, probably had a rare bunk up off the back of it, features 'art-house/hard man' Nicholas Cage who's right up their Strasse, shame about the nasty Stukers and the jackboots but they lose in the end anyway, wonderful stuff, pass the Chianti and Tofu, sweetie.

Next up, The News Of The World, giving away 'The Italian Job' the other month, again spot on, how overated is this film though? It appealed to me when I was 8 years old, which is about right, can somebody tell me why 'I only told you to blow the bloody doors off' a catch phrase, WHY!!!!? A half-witted Loaded sub-editors wet dream of a film, It's almost as bad a film as Get Carter with its Yorkshire accents in NE16, another over-rated load of shite, no matter, The Italian Job is the sort of film that appeals to blokes who that think it's acceptable take trumpets and drums into England games, again NOTW got it spot on, 10/10 for perception.

The greatest admission of how a paper sees their readership however, comes from The Mail On Sunday's giveaway on Sunday 26th of Feb, I nearly spewed me tea laughing when the ad came on Saturday night, over swirling rumbling classical music, which is basically The National Anthem, give and take a couple of semi-quavers, whilst a Charles Dance sound-alike booms out: 'This week, with your Mail on Sunday, we're giving away a free copy of the all time classic British movie 'ZULU DAWN'(what?) featuring Bob Hoskins, Burt Lancaster and Denholm Elliot....whilst I'm listening to this in disbelief, we cut to a shot of Burt Lancaster, bravely firing at point blank range his pistol from his bucking horse into a the chests of baying Zulu's, we cut to Bob Hoskins quivering bottom lip as he sees 4,000 frothing Africans come over the hill at Rourkes Drift, chanting and hoying spears, we see Simon Ward cock his rifle and fire into the skulls of the first wave of King Cetshwayos army, finally watch Denholm Elliot take one in the gut for the King and Country.

The ad then finishes off with Charles Dance-o-like cracking off about the sudoko, Jennie Bonds labia tuck and a chance to win a commemorative copy of The Queen Mothers colostomy bag , or whatever else bigoted middle class horse shit they were putting in tomorrows paper, but I'd mentally switched off by then, in total admiration for The Mails nerve and balls out admition of what they are, and what they stand for. This advert wasn't even a subtle wink or a nod in a 'we know what you like and we're gonna give it you' to the Surrey and Solihull set, it was a blatant hands up that we don't like foreigners, blacks, gays, asylum seekers, ragheads, cripples, dole-ite scum, Jews or anything else living that hasn't got a net curtain to twitch, using the memories of the real brave soldiers who were sent to fight in the Battle Of Rourkes Drift to make a cheap political point over a hundred and twenty years later, you can tell The Mail want you to squint your eyes slightly, and transpose the plains of Isandlwana for Brixton, St.Pauls or Margate High St. Get it up 'em. Rule Brittania.

If this offer was a success who knows what dvd's the Mail might give away in the future, so if they ever get stuck here's a few suggestions for them:

The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Lock and Load' with Tony Martin.

(With 5 free lifesize cardboard gypos and a cap gun)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: Nick Ross'sCrime and Justice Studies.

(With essential hints such as what do to do if you find an African inexplicably cleaning your windscreen in Waitrose car park)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'WHY was it better back then Daddy?'

(Little shown 1973 documentry featuring Vera Lynn, Norris Mcwhirter and Woodrow Wyatt)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: The Black and White Minstrel Show.

(Volumes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Richard Littlejohn's Lorry Check-out!'

(Never Screened game show pilot from ITV where Littlejohn takes 5 members of the general public to Ramsgate docks and frisks haulage vehicles for refugees, 5pts given for every Chinese found, 4 for Pakistani/Afghan, 2 for any Eastern European, the winner goes on an all expenses paid holiday to the beautiful paradise island of Ko Samui)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Jill Dando's Garden'

(Pictures of Jill Dando's garden)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Urrgh, it's Clarksons Europe'

(Jeremy Clarkson drives around Eastern Europe in a Lambourghini throwing pound notes out the window, laughing at poverty and having sex with underage orphan prostitutes of both sexes. Cert18)


The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Ulrika Johnsen's Cardigans'

(Short film of Ulrika Johnsen's lovely Cardigan collection, and her forthright views on the UK's lapse immigration laws)

 The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Itís Vanessa!'  

(Vanessa Feltz lets us see behind the scenes of her busy celebrity life and shows us her collection of crochet cardigans and Jimmy Choos, then lets us hear her robust views on the UK's lapse immigration laws)

The Mail On Sunday proudly presents: 'Roots'  

(Volumes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16)  


Home | Features | Music | Fashion | Interviews | Archive | Contact Us

Copyright © 2006 Swine Magazine. All rights reserved.