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Oh Well I'm The King of the Swingers

by Ozzie Osbourne


NO !! this is not a write up about sexual intercourse between two sets of sexually depraved perverts before you get all giddy.It`s just a few memories that came flooding back to me as i did a bit of "male bonding" with Oswald Jr

On Sunday i took the young `un down the woods with the air rifle.I spotted a fucking beltin rope swing (cracking flared knot as a seat) & thought "fuckin get on it Ozzie".Right to the top of the hill & straight fuckin off.First swing back & i shouts to the lad "NO BOARDING".He looked at me like i was from fuckin Pluto As i finished swinging i said "Why didn`t you board on the second swing?".He just looked at me puzzled.Had to explain to him about how to go 2`s on the swing.Then i had to tell him how to play knifey on it.He weren`t fuckin interested.He just wanted to shoot birds & get home for FIFA 2007.

So for some of you privately educated / soft cunts / homosexuals out there let me explain a few things about rope swings in the woods eh.


Knifey on a swing was where the first lad swung out like fuckin Johnny Weissmuller with the knife in his mouth,then on his return stuck it in the ground.The next lad had to swing out then get back to the knife.If you were quick enough you could grab the knife & then quickly stick in another place before swinging back out.If you weren`t quick then you had the chance to stick it on your return.Getting the knife near the tree was the secret so as there was always a chance of someone smashing into the trunk.Under no circumstances could you stand near the knife & grab it as you boarded the swing.that`s just cheating Once saw my mate fall about 40ft off a swing & break both his collar bones & one of his legs after the rope snapped.The ambulance men had to drag a stretcher about 2 miles inside Porters woods.Pissed meself for fucking weeks laughing at that


"No Boarding" was the usual cry of someone who wanted to have a go on the swing by themselves.Everyone would just stand there as he took his swing & more often than not they`d be discussing "I`m firsie boards" "I`m seccy boards" "Well i`ll go third then" as he was swinging outwards.When he returned the first lad would shout "Boarding" & then board him.Second lad would get on & then finally the third lad would get on with his hands high up the swing whilst wrapping his legs around everyone.In truth only the bigger boys were allowed to shout "No Boarding" & NOT get boarded.Another good way to stop people boarding is to swing back so that you face them & when they look like they are going to board you,kick them straight in the fuckin face.

Best time though was when we got caught in one of the gamekeepers sheds in Longwall Woods.We did the lock on the door with a Jr hacksaw.When we got inside there was fuck all but the door suddenly closed.When we looked out the window we saw about 4 fellas with shotguns.They told us not to run & that they`d phones the bobbies.So we hid the hacksaw behind the drawers.Then at the last minute one lad Chrissy Legweak (Armstong) said "fuck that it`s me Dads,he`ll go ape shit" & stuck it back in his pocket. When the bobbies came & arrested us for breaking & entering they put us in the cells.After about 10 minutes one of the Bobby's walked in & said "Whose is this?".Legweak had stashed it under the drivers seat of the police car

Also there must be people reading this who has played army with air rifles eh ? A thick donkey jacket is the only thing you need as well as someone not taking a head shot at you.Got shot in the top of me leg once after i dropped my rifle.One of the older lads shot me because i wouldn`t dance for him while he had the gun pointed at me.Why did always make you "dance" when they had a gun pointed at you eh ? "Dance ya bastard" is a phrase that will haunt me forever.







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