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Get Your Freak On!


by Ozzie Osbourne

No Gentlemen it's not Missy Osbourne shakin my bubble butt thang. It's me typing up a conversation I had
whilst smoking socket bongs with my cousin. For those of you not ITK about bong paraphernalia a socket is a
bong without a foil or gauze which quite literally blows you fucking sideways for a good half hour. What
the fuck happened to good old fashioned deformities eh?

There seems to be less & less of the old deformities cropping up. A school playground would nowadays be
classed as unlucky if ONE child had a wonky eye. When I was in school we had three lads in our class who all
had one eye in Huyton & the other in Brighton. All sat there with a fucking large cream coloured plaster with
holes in it over the lens in their glasses. Then we had Heapy & Holly. Two lads who were cross-eyed as
fuck. Their eyes looked like they were permanently jammed right in the corners next to their nose. Then
there were the Cochlear doing their best Niki Lauda impersonations. They never wore sunglasses in summer
although the fucking albinos had to so as to hide their ferret like pink eyes. The Hornshorns though were
major players in the class mongos stakes. When I was about 11 I got moved into an advanced maths class at
school & I told this hare-lip girl that she had a flat nose. She started crying and everyone went quiet. The
next day we had a special class assembly to explain to the new boy why we don't say things like that to the
poor lamb. Then above the hornshorns were the pigeon foot / toe lot. Walked round school with an ice hockey
stick leg. Then above them in the Mongo roll of honour were the flids. Arm like a fucking lobster.

My personal favorites though were the caliper / leg iron brigade. From the age of about 7 up until nearly
leaving school my mate Joe Ball had to wear calipers /leg irons.  Not that this stopped him doing anything (
except actually going to school ) & he joined in football, cricket, rugby etc with the rest of us. In
fact he excelled at cricket as he was not afraid to put his metal braced left leg forward when facing a
corky ball. He had the first cricket pads on our estate. Oh & I must point out that while we were
smoking we was actually discussing what you`d prefer. "Cochlear or hornshorn ?" "cross-eyed or leg
irons ?". One of Joes shoes had a bouncy thing on the end & was kept straight to immobilize it. The other
foot had a shoe with what looked like an early prototype for a skidoo blade stuck underneath. Made
riding a bike difficult you`d think. Oh no,once Joe had shouted "Oi,give us a go on that bike you little cunt"
& then stole the bike from the kid he`d throw his straight leg over the handlebars,then with his bendy
leg he`d pedal. He`d pedal half a turn then quickly hook his skidoo foot under the pedal & flip it back to
the top & do another half turn. The spazziest & funniest riding of any cycle on earth. He wouldn`t have
had Chris Boardman shitting in his bed that`s for sure. Joe always seemed to have bad luck though. From
the time his brother re-wired the electric cooker only for Joe to turn it on & a bolt of electricity to hit
his leg iron & send him back somersaulting down the hall to my favorite ever story namely "Joe got
stuck". One day, we were all jumping off the garages on the estate(about 8 foot onto soft ground. Joe had
climbed onto the garage & was unsure wether to jump. We stood there for ages egging him on to jump off the
garage. I think Joe knew in the back of his mind that having leg irons on would stop him from actually
bending his legs when landing. When he landed it looked like he`d been thrown by Fatima Whitbread. He went into the ground like a fuckin javelin & just stood there shaking & putting his progress back a good few months.
We laughed though & that was the main thing.


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