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The Knights of the Drugs Table

by Bernie Bostik

 

As soon as Mark B's Mum & Dad went on there annual holiday, the mad ritual would begin. Afternoons gulping down pints of wine (mainly Lambrusco as it was the easiest to rob from the Co-op round the corner). Then off to the Woodies for a half (making it last for 3 hours) and an unsuccessful trawl for a few drunken females. Womanless we would traipse back for a congregation around Mark's Dinning room table for a game of 'Last man Standing'.

 

The rocky would come out and the game would begin. To start off it was joints then home made pipes from  empty cans, hot knifes and sometimes a big demijohn effort of a bong (that's if Almo could be arsed lugging it all the way from Sankey Bridges on his Frankenstein monster of a push rod which was constructed from a weird assortment of stolen bikes - racer frame and wheels,  Grifter saddle and cowhorns- that type of thing).The rules were there wasn't any  rules, basically once you left the table you were out! You could leave it for necessaries like 'beer run to the fridge' , 'hot knife duty' or a 'toilet break' - but if you took to long on a pit stop it was viewed upon as a chance for a sly spew and illimination was the usual penalty.

 

Paul 'Tud' Turner was always the first to go. As soon as he took his first toke he would turn a sickly cancerous colour of grey and slide off the table on to the floor. He would lay on the floor getting a volley of flak from the lads till the next lightweight dropped out and took over the mantle of flak taker.You'd get yer slopers who would sneak off to the safety of the front room and out of reach of any ridicule. That would just  leave the Hardcore to finish the task.

 

 When a quite horrific lung collapse was happening to one of the remaining contestants, after yet another chickens eye hot knife, it wasn't uncommon for a few of the casualties in the recovery room to return to help in the poking of the fun at the unfortunate coughing spluttering wreck on the floor. Me, Hooky, Tez and Mark were always the stalwarts. Hooky would always win though as he seemed to be a permanent fixture stuck to the table for the full two week stint. Always dressed in his trackie bottoms that had pot burn induced perforations of immense proportions.

 

One night Ste (Mark's older brother) turned up for a few days holiday from his job  in a swish London hotel. Now Ste was someone who we all looked up to, he went the Liverpool games and occasionally got caught up in a bit of bovver, He always wore the latest fashions a good six months before they'd  filtered down off the Anny Road terraces to the rest of us lads on the streets of Penketh. I spent many an evening trying to eye up Ste's newest 3 stripe as they were pummelling some unfortunate bystanders head in, who had strayed upon the hallowed turf of the 'baseball maddies' as they caused havoc around the Red Lion Pub. Ste turned up mid-game with an ounce.

 

Everyone was on there A game and out to impress as the chickens eyes turned into ostrich eggs. Even Tud managed two hot knifes and brother Mark put on a strong performance even though he was taking refuge under the table and only emerged for his hot knifes ( he had special dispensation for not sitting at the table cos it was his house).  With just Ste and Hooky remaining I sloped off on a toilet break but sneaked out the front door and collapsed on next doors path and spewed my ring. I was found the next morning by the next door neighbour when he was leaving for work.

 

That was me all over, once I had reached a higher state of consciousness and was just about to retch, I done one. A few offmans that spring to mind are; when me and Kinny joined up with a few of our Sankey brethren (John MaGee, Davitt & Lunty) round at Dunnies on another free wine drinking and chongathon afternoon. When I spun out and tried to get out for some air, but tripped on the back door step and knocked my two front teeth out on the concrete flags on Dunnies patio. And another time I left Gaz Sutt and Ally (RIP) in Gaz's caravan (it was stationed on his parents path and he use to live in it and knock a weed out from it ) after a chilling session of weed, Jack Daniels and Tamazies prefixed by a heavy clubbing session of speed, E's and my very first line of coke. I made it to the corner of the Chapel House boozer before tumbling to the floor were I spewed, pissed and shit myself all within the space of a few minutes.

 

 

A comical night one year, I remember we were all tripping and the game of 'last man standing' never really got going. We were all to busy coming up with songs and  creating mad shit like secret handshakes for our brotherhood -'The Knights of the Drugs Table' and Mark even choreographed a hilarious dance to Lady Eleanor that finished witha  hop over to the slumbering Tud to give him a crack round the head, then the singing of  the Brotherhood song would follow as we all joined in and surrounded Tud shouting in his ear-

 

 

We are the knights

We are the knights,

The knights of the drugs table,

Tud are you ready and able? (at this stage he would receive a slap until he responded)

step forth and have a toke, inhale that smoke, but if you choke your not a bloke,

and you can never return to the drugs table.

 

We are the knights

We are the knights,

the knights of the drugs table,

Tud are you ready and able?

step forth and have a can,  like a man before you ran,  listening to Steely Dan

away from the drugs table.

 

We are the knights

We are the knights,

the knights of the drugs table,

Tud are you ready and able?

step forth and have a hot knife, but if it causes you strife,  you'll have a sad life and end up with a Goth wife

away from the drugs table

 

We are the knights

We are the knights,

the knights of the drugs table,

Tud are you ready and able?

step forth and have a bong, it'll do you wrong,  it wont take long,  before you turn into a mong

away from the drugs table.

 

 

When we weren't singing our own little dittie the soundtrack would reflect what ever LP's  were in Ste's collection. Floyd got tanned along with Zappa,Hawkwind, Gabriel, Genesis and Led Zep. One year Brendan bought a  Smiths tape along hoping to bring a melancholic atmosphere to the party to aid in his own stupid melancholic studenty persona but  he politely got told to "Turn that student  shit off and put ste's ACDC's video back on. " Even with the emergence of house music and the trips making way for E's, we still didn't drive down the bpm house highway,  we strictly kept it to rock. As Tez will testify as he was nearly in tears as Mark unravelled  his Park&Pikering with special guest Gordon on trumpet live at the HAC tape around Tuds head- He'd stayed in especially one night to tape it off Key 103.

.

 

Another funny occurrence for us Knights was the increasing amount of 'holiday knockers' you would get. A 'holiday knocker' is someone who knows your mum and dad are away,  you sort of  know them from school/boozer or they were someone's brothers cousins arl fellas bezzie  and  would chance his arm and knock-on in the hope of stumbling on a sort of party. If they stumbled upon a rather colourful LSD/mushy themed  night , they normally didn't last long as they made their excuses and left. Muttering something underneath there breath like 'they seemed to be a normal bunch of lads at school/boozer....what the fuck happened?

 

I would like to hope that someday somehow the Knights of the Drugs Table (Kinny, Hooky, Oscar, Butch, Tud, Almo, Tez, Pikey and Nath) who are splattered all over the globe either  working, banged-up, or just chillin' out enjoying family life, could return to sit around a table again somewhere and smoke like fuck, till there is only one man standing (the smart money's on Hookins). And one thing I guarantee this time, the pot will be ten times better. God help yer Tud!!

 

 

"and all the sons and daughters who went to work away,

will return in there thoasaunds one glorious day

and from the liverbirds beak shall drop the leaf

as it stares open mouthed in disbelief "  Jegsy Dodd

 

 

 

 

 

 
   
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