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Rough Guide to Foreplay

by Huele Toto


Drinking from the Fairy Cup 

Some men love it, some men hate it.  The wide eyed lads in attendance here in Swine Towers watching porn waiting for the brass to arrive also give it the thumbs up - As there general consensus is 'there's nothing better than having some floozy squirming on the end of your tongue'. But It takes a lot more than just a few jabs with the tongue with the eyes shut, to get  the bird in squirming and sometimes squirting motion ( that's if your lucky enough to come across a squirter). In my experience it takes at least 15 - 20 minutes of  oral action just to get any women warmed up. So here's Huele's guide to the perfect formula for getting your Morde moist. 


1. Lay her on her back. start kissing and caressing her neck then slowly make your way down to the breasts. Spend as much time on the tit as you feel right, I usually spend 2-3 minutes on each nipple. Unless they are quite a sticky-out pair of chewable studs,  then I would spend 5 minutes.


2. With your tongue make your way down the stomach to her belly button. Give this a quick lick - only if it is fluff free mind you. Then make your way down to the clam area.


3. If she is still wearing a thong or knickers even better, as you can rapidly give her a teasing nibble and slurp through the material as you make your way to the area around her honey-pot. Pay the inside of her thighs extra attention as you circle the slit kissing, licking and slurping away. At this stage I like to roll the bird over and kiss each cheek of her arse maybe giving them a few playful spanks before turning her on her back again


4. Now's the time for a bit of toe sucking action. Get her legs straight up in the air and  then caress and tickle those pinkies with the tongue before getting down to some full on sucking of the big toe - but be on the look out for the odd bitter tasting fungal nail getting stuck in the throat, it can reek havoc with the sexy ambience.


5. Clit time! - Start by giving the whole ensemble a few playful long loving licks (like licking a drippy 99er) Then part the lips so the bean is on full show and lightly flick it with the end of the tongue. Then throw a couple of big slurps in and maybe a couple of prods into the love tunnel every known again. But all the time returning to the clit. Remember variety is the spice of life. Tease her with a few light brushes followed quickly by a suck then a nibble. Maybe getting it between your teeth and giving it a little tug. If the birds got a piercing in the nether regions and is into a bit of bondage all the better. As a game of 'see how far the labia stretch' can be fun, but if you find they can stretch past your ears get up and run. Carry on with the clit attention until the her legs go all jiggy and her toes curl up as she orgasms. It is now time for step


6. You are now ready for the after orgasm carry on. You know when a girl is a quivering wreck on the bed after an orgasm and you get pushed away as she enjoys the 'tingles'. Well this is the time to move in for the kill. Pin her legs behind her ears and bury that face in the flange once again. But this time act like a wild boar burying its snout for truffles. Get a bit rough if she permits and lap all the love juice up. I  just adore it after a sloppy tongue fuck when I come up for air with my face  dripping in all the blondes sweet dew.


7. Insert a finger or two, but make sure the tongue is still working the clit, and if any toys are available know would be a good time to introduce them. Maybe at this stage with her legs still behind her ears you might want to give the star-fish a little tickle with the tongue. If you get a positive response flip her over on all fours with her derriere in the air, giving you easier access to eat the anal area. I know a lot of fellas wont go near the arse even with their fingers let alone the tongue, but I find if the women you are with has had a pre-fuck shower and has disposed of the rust from around the key-hole with the flannel then I see no problem.


8. By this stage she should be on all fours with a dildo up her snatch a tongue up her 'arris and a small vibrating egg  pushed against the man in the boat. It shouldn't be long before she succumbs to her second orgasm. Only when she has achieve her second orgasm is it time to move onto her part of the bargain, the blow job.



Smoke My Bone 

I think it was Frank Skinner once said "there is no such thing as a bad blow job". Well believe me Frank there is. From grinding teeth on the bell to women who monotonously just go through the motions. These type of women should go and get lessons off Ashley Blue (who is devouring 7 cocks on the plasma as I type) and has the undivided attention of the wrecked lads - who are still waiting for the brass (god help them when they do arrive!). So pay attention you Swinettes. Follow these rules and you might get that Chloe Paddington hand bag in your Xmas stocking. 


1. Tie the hair back, there is nothing more infuriating for us fellas than not being able to see all the action


2. Don't just do the one motion of bobbing the head up and down. Boring. Take it out your mouth tickle the top with your tongue, lick down the sides, bite it, spit on it, slap it on your tongue - believe me the dirtier and sluttier you behave, the more your fella will love it.


3. Give the balls a good lick and suck (remember to lick underneath - the area between the balls and anus is quite sensitive for us blokes). 


4. Wank off the sausage at the same time as sucking the balls, whilst looking up at your man with a wanton look in your eye.


5. Don't be alarmed if your fella suddenly grabs the back of your head forcing you down and making you choke on his cock - this is a well known past time called gagging and it should be done with no moaning or disproval.


3. If you've done all of the above your man should be nearing the 'emptying of his beans in your mouth' stage, so know would be a good time to stop and move on to full intercourse.  


So there you have it, follow Toto's rough guide to foreplay and it wont be long before you and the other half are all revved up and ready to tear chunks out of each other.  


Next Month -  Rough Guide to Anal, were we will  be answering that  all  important  question. Is it okay to feltch your own cream pie from your birds crack?






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